notes:
* aspic: it's jelly soup. why is this a thing?...
* cherry pitter: ...
* one tiny bunch of tiny champagne grapes: it's not plastic...
* Doryce: sunken gardens? my vagina on Thursday nights...
Gladyce: you got two?
* wife: your CPAP machine was so DIRTY.
husband: i am disgusting.
wife: yeah. but now the only thing DIRTY is our bed.
husband: yeah. your sheets are disgusting.
wife: no i mean when we make love as husband and wife...
* Free Fries Fridays: McDonald's has the right idea, KFC, the french-fry shape is found in nature, in fossil veins and stuff.
* think about May 6, 2023: the Coronation, the Kentucky Derby, Pete Davidson hosting SNL...
* tennis: remember, if you don't shake the chair umpire's hand at the end of the match, you forfeit the match...
* Kate Lyn Sheil: covid killed my career...
Kyle Mooney: at least you still have me...
Kate Lyn Sheil: that's not helping right now...
* Mr. Irrelevant Brock Purdy: it's about knowing your purpose before anyone knows your name...
* Brock Purdy: looking forward FINALLY to that Venture Bros. TV-movie...
* Heidi Gardner's husband: look, let's just get this all out in the open. i know i can't compete with the NFL. honey, you can fuck Travis Kelce but only ONCE.
Heidi hugs her husband.
Heidi: THANK YOU, BABY!!!
* Ronald McDonald: if you call a sandwich a sando, you're an asshole.
* Leslie Sbrocco: i am NOT Nina Hartley's sister...
* tennis line judge: fuck you, tennis.........i've switched sides and i'm finally with John McEnroe on this one, fuck you, tennis...
* Jeddah, Saudi Arabia: Jedi, the ancient home of the Jedi.........like my father before me...
* Charles Foster Kane: can somebody explain this to me? why do i get delivered to my house magazines i've NEVER ORDERED?!!!...
Orson Welles: big house...
* 17-year-old boy with MINA KIMES, PROM? sign: you gotta shoot your shot in life, you know?
Ferris Bueller: my man.
* Wendy's.
Tyler: bad boys bad boys whatcha gonna do...
Willy: you can't sing that song. you can't say whatcha. you didn't watch every single episode of COPS the way i did in the '90s. it was a simpler more innocent time back then...
Tyler: i'm a fan of the reggae, dammit!!!
Tim & Eric: be a bagboy.........is ANY of our shows EVER gonna be on adult swim again?...
* Macy's: the ONE MOM you REALLY need to buy a gift for this Mother's Day is your stepmom...
* JPMorgan.
little girl: i'm not a chef, i INVENTED the chef's kiss on TikTok...
engineer: why don't you see those cute cardboard triptychs for a science project display in COLLEGE?.........it would make college science more fun...
Jane Goodall: i love that all of these kids have ME as the photo in their locker.........god DAMN i love the younger generation...
* Straight Talk Wireless.
lime-green comedian: i know i look FREAKY, i look weird and misshapen and something out of a nightmare. i'm drawn by Bill Plympton, you just gotta get used to my Shar Pei facial features and plaid shirt and face sweat...
* Candace Parker: where are you?
Kelsey Plum: i'm at the last Don's Plum...
* husband: sweetie, can you practice that somewhere else?
wife: um, my violin is the only job in this household, i play for the Met, you're unemployed.
husband: hon, can you watch your soap operas somewhere else?
second wife: i have a job, i'm an actress on THIS soap opera, you have no job, your misshapen butt is just on the couch all day leaving a fossil.
husband: i do have a job, i let these carolers squat on our stairs. why is Christmas only one day a year?...
* Pete Davidson: "Breakfast With Peter", that's DEFINITELY gonna be a real skit on my SNL episode in one week...
Pete Davidson: i've never worn eyeglasses nor a tie in my life. i only wear a suit indoors. have i ever worked with the Please Don't Destroy boys before?...
Spike Lee: hey Peter Davidson, hey Long Snake, YOU are the reason the Knicks won, not me...
* Peter Davdison: go back to the sunny-side-up egg on each side of the shell for the breakfast taco. why not serve breakfast ALL DAY? everyone else serves breakfast all day, it's not that hard...
* State Farm.
Chris Paul: remember when the NBA players wore Bermuda shorts?
Michael Jordan: um, no, it was the other way around, we wore SHORT SHORTS...* BEHR paint.
wife: don't move ANYTHING. scuff marks on our white walls make us look like a marbled museum in Rome.
husband: let's at least move the refrigerator, it weighs 1 pound, there's only one can of Dr. Pepper Strawberries & Cream in there...
wife: i've actually read this giant 100-pound art history tome of a book...
wife: we don't have coasters, you're gonna have to cover that stain with your thumb for eternity.
husband: no problem, i'm already dead.
wife: PIVOT!!! PIVOT the couch, pivot the sofa...
husband: can i see how tall you are, honey?
wife: but you married me for my butt.
husband: wanna order Domino's pizza?
wife: they only serve tots.
happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: THE BIG SUR MARATHON!!! which means no car will be able to go anywhere, drive anywhere, ALL THE ROADS ARE BLOCKED FOR SEVEN DAYS!!! on top of the usual fucked-up busy traffic i get living next to a freeway, it's compounded by the sea-of-people joggers this weekend. last count was 300 million joggers descending on our little village. i've had joggers wake me up at 6AM banging on my window cos they needed to use my toilet cos they drank too much Gatorade. you HAVE to use DoorDash.........wait, how's that gonna work?...
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