notes:
* Cecily Strong: pleased with yourself is not the same as pleasuring yourself.
* Bravecto.
man at the vet: but can my dog not go on the paper but get a paper and become a lawyer?
* Scotts Turf Builder.
Scott: the Scots invented soccer you know...
* Kohl's: R.I.P. Christine McVie
* Disney World Resort: just don't let your kid walk off with Goofy at the docks...
* Dirg: catching tots? i'm catching feelings for that Puerto Rican Domino's Pizza employee chica in the black sweater with the massive sweater jugs...
* me: okay I WANT TO REALLY BE EXCITED about these new KFC chicken nuggets.........but are they really new? it's just Original Recipe shaped into a weird ball.
* Bounty.
new husband: we got the coffee table at IKEA.
new wife: there's no other place to get it.
new husband: it's not fair, the most delicious drink, purple drank, is also the drink that causes the deepest stain.new wife: so now our table is VERY LOW TO THE GROUND the way my grandma used to eat off it with her bridge girls. i LIVED the Joy Luck Cub, i don't need to see the movie. i've been through generational pain.
new husband: yeah like just think of it like a futon. remember futons? watching Seinfeld in the '90s on a futon...
* Walmart: remember when you watched only the first 15 minutes of Tremors and only the last 15 minutes of Jaws being overhead-projectored onto a white laundry sheet hanging on a wire in the backyard of some kid from your class during the '80s at a birthday party on the lawn at night?...
* AARP.
gilf: at age 70 i'm in my sexual prime. i'm the older woman my mom WISHED she could have been. look, i never wanted a husband, i just wanted a pack of dogs. i wasted 50 years of my life...
* Progressive.
Jamie: let me drive the Winnebago, i'm big enough to reach the pedals and the steering wheel. wow, The Other Side of the Rest Stop.........look at this MASSIVE trailer park.........we're now living the movie The Last Starfighter...
* BEHR.
neighbor: i fucked your husband.
woman: what?
neighbor: i like The Muppets.
son: mommy, i want a waffle.
woman: we only have Belgian pancakes.
delivery woman: hi, i'm Maggie Mae Fish, don't hate me cos i'm a youtuber...
husband: it looks GREAT.
woman: what's the difference between the Modern Art painting on our wall and the paint used to paint our wall?...
* Nola Darling: Jamie, you're jealous of Opal? come on, man, be a man. how can a real man be jealous of a lesbian?
Jamie Overstreet: because i always wanted to know what it would be like to make love to a woman.
* Doryce: wet avalanche, my pussy on Thursday nights.
Jim Cantore: ...
* tongue punch: the only way to suck a microphone.
* Takahashi: the cinematography in She's Gotta Have It is underrated.
Spike Lee: or missed. altogether glossed over. so is the furniture.
Nola Darling: i like the bed. everyone likes the bed. but i also like the lit penis-head lights by my nightstand.
Mars Blackmon: um, those are mushroom lamps.
Ingmar Bergman: and those lightboxes of all the Ingmar Bergman muse women who have starred in my films...
Ingmar Bergman: can i buy Nola Darling's lightboxes on eBay?
Nola Darling: honey my lightbox is too expensive for your Swedish ass to eat.
* Ingmar Bergman: it's 2008 and i want Nola Darling to star in my next film as the Ingmar Bergman Muse Woman.........i'm trying something a bit different...
* Michael Jackson: in "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'," i'm not saying "vegetable," i'm saying "vestibule"...
* gophers: WE'RE BACK!!! SPRING HAS SPRUNG AND WE'RE BACK IN YOUR FRONT AND BACK LAWNS!!! see all those giant Tremors holes in your tomato garden? that's us. but that means the Earth is healing, we're good for the soil...
pocket gopher: not your penis.
* dead river: the Los Angeles River
* Lil' Goose: Talia but male
* Boc: i should have never started jogging. i should have never started walking. i saw that seafog that day, that was cool, i should have gone on ONE JOG in the fog, one fog walk, not a mist marathon...
* wiry strong: Bruce Lee, Kobe Bryant, Daniil Medvedev, the The Gods Must Be Crazy guy, goals for me...
* carpenter bees: from the fevered mind of John Carpenter...
* Dexys Midnight Runners: "Come On Eileen," the only #1 song on the charts ever performed barefoot...
* Emerald Express: The Polar Express to Oz.
happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: DoorDash is back on. gotta have Little Caesars pretzel crust. again. i think i tried it once? think about it, i need to have access to food delivery when my car gets stolen again...
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