Stephanie Niznik: have a good morning. you know i've never said that before, never said that to another human, another soul before.
Thomas Merton: have a good morning? have a good morning? have a good morning?
Stephanie: you know you know you know?
Thomas: HOW THE FUCK CAN I HAVE A GOOD MORNING WHEN I'M STUCK IN THIS MONASTERY?!!! when i'm surrounded on all sides by this wall of crumble and ruin. how do you expect me to put on a happy face when my false avatar is begging for me to let it go let it fly away into the Cocoon hence my depression.
Jim Carrey: imagine me in Taxi Driver...
Thomas Merton: by the way where's your cute blue nurse uniform with the paper tugboat hat?
Stephanie Niznik: i'm not a nurse, i'm not YOUR special nurse. i'm a volunteer. you would do well to learn a lot from me, being a volunteer will make you happy in life.
Thomas: sorry, Nurse Jenny, i was never a Pokemon man, i'm a Digimon fellow.
Thomas Merton: i mean when i first came to Gethsemani, the monastery did not greet me with auspices. the FIRST THING I SAW were all these damn headstones!!! it's a freaking graveyard in this place!!! you put the cemetery ON YOUR FRONT LAWN?!!! for all the neighbors to see and gossip? NOT VERY INVITING. when i need to read my green paperback book i climb up to the highest tree but i can still see those teeny white-dot motherfuckers.
Thomas Merton: this is just not what i expected, i mean we're in Kentucky and the chicken here SUCKS, it tastes TERRIBLE, all cold and brittle and bone-in.
Chef Butt: you can eat chicken bones, it's not Satanic. the clearings in all the forests around here are FILLED with chicken bones.
Stephanie Niznik: i found the kitchen to be very clean, very wiped.
Thomas: yeah cos i wipe it with my butt every day as part of my daily chores after reciting the homily. that is how i pray.
Stephanie: ever since i started volunteering i can't eat soup anywhere but in a silver kitchen.
Gladyce: i was worried when i took my twin-soul to this monastic kitchen, they served us cinnamon discs. do you know how HURTFUL cinnamon discs are to throats of ladies of our age?
Doryce: speak for your throat, honey, my throat is PRIMETIME, it's oiled and ready to go, i'm a disc daredevil, a cinnamon cannonball.
Abbot Butt: on both accounts, the wiped with butt and serving cinnamon-disc candy to ladies of a certain age, serving choking death to old ladies, that was my idea of a practical joke, gotta keep things light around here, there's a lot of desperation going around here.
Beatriz Flamini: who says women can't be monks?...
Beatriz Flamini: also, i can now be an official Z Fighter...
Frieza: ...
Frieza: maybe a monk of the flames in Hell...
sargassum: an orgasm of seaweed.
sea turtles: we just want to fuck. we just want soft sand to lay our eggs.
Dey Young: hello, yes, i am Gates McFadden's sister...
Dey Young: my sculpture Madame Butterfly is pretty much on the same level as Michelangelo's David. right? at least as good.
David: my gaze is pointed at YOU. some numbnuts struck my big toe with a hammer, that's not athlete's foot fungus. is that a stone or a sling? hurts either way.
Dey Young: you have a nice butt, David, very toned. my Madame has a BIG BUTT, it's a male/female thing.
Madame Pons: ...
Mia Kirshner: I CANNOT BELIEVE i didn't do an Outer Limits (1995)...
Mia Kirshner: if there's ANYONE who symbolizes Canada and sci-fi and Canadian sci-fi, it's me.
Cotard: we're big fans of the Sacramento Kings.
Codrus: we are?
Cotard: Malik Monk.
Codrus: ah.
Xfinity: you can't just enter your password, you have to be a WWII codebreaker...
tennis: oh no, we are NOT watching the trophy presentation ceremony for the male doubles team...
Mike Breen: not that Roseanne. Desmond Bane makes a shot. BANE, BANG!!! OH DAMN THAT BAM Adebayo is a good player.
Russell Westbrook: i've never seen Crocodile Dundee...
DoorDash: to our drivers, knock on the door and John Mayer may answer. he's a huge basketball fan. he loves to be seen on the sideline with Spike Lee and the babe of the day. John Mayer likes to drink the hot-green-spraypainted cacti around here...
Kevin Durant vs. Kawhi Leonard: the thinking man's matchup, the continental contest, the gentlemen's game...
IKEA: wait, the VERY LOW TABLE was actually a pizza box?...
Heaven's Gate: our logo is the Green Bay Packers? we were met with derision and ridicule when we tried to recruit in Aaron Rodgers's house. Aaron Rodgers agreed with our ideas and beliefs but he made fun of the fact that we still used Windows 95 instead of a podcast.
Mark Borchardt: i tried Heaven's Gate for one day but i didn't like it.
Doryce: i want to be a gilf.
Gladyce: i want to be a glamma.
Thomas Merton: wanna play basketball? there's a court on the monastery grounds.
Stephanie Niznik: nah, i'd just dunk over your tiny tonsured head.
Thomas Merton: i was thriving for a while. i was okay here. for like a week. then i got deadeningly BORED OUT OF MY SKULL. Christians can talk about skulls, it's not Satanic, it's catacombs. i think all i needed was a break, a vacation without the pina colada cooler. i do know why people do it, it's for the QUIET, i can relate, every day when i lived in a hostel with Pavlo. my time was 7:30AM to 8:30AM, the power peace hour, the quiet hour, i could sit on the futon, plant my buttcheeks in the stirrups next to the hanging Babylon fern, suck down a coffee cooler as i ate my chocolate bread, and be in the throes of SILENCE for an hour. i'd notice the birds chirping for my banana, the rustling of the tree limbs, a British mouse having tea. i relished that quiet, i NEEDED that quiet, it recharged me, it made my head clear for the tasks that needed to be accomplished that day, my schedule was laid out before me in thoughtful lines and prose. thought about what i was gonna say and do. i made my work into a poem.
Thomas Merton: but that was one thing, being trapped in a monastery is quite another. you feel me, Sister Stephanie?
Stephanie Niznik: what?
Stephanie is putting on her helmet with a skull sticker on the side over her locks of golden curls, putting on Richard Grieco's dark helmet and revving up Richard Grieco's motorcycle after he died. she speeds away on the bike.
Thomas Merton: hey, you're pretty and wild.........and pretty wild.........but you're no Knickers, honey. take me with you, let me ride bitch.
Stephanie Niznik: don't worry, i'll be back, this is just my lunch break.
Stephanie Niznik jumps over the wall on her motorcycle. 30 feet.
Thomas Merton: okay.........i'll be waiting.........i'll be waiting right here.........for you to come back.........it's not like i can escape, i can't go anywhere here.........i would have to roll down that hill to my death.........hey can you get me a Strawberries & Cream Dr. Pepper at the 7-Eleven? they don't have that here.........i'm waiting.........i'm here just waiting.........i got all the time in the world.........there is NOTHING to do...
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