Thomas Merton: young man, i've been seeing you running 100mph straight for this monastery for 3 hours now. and then i saw you hop the fence. what sort of trouble are you in, boy? where are you coming from?
Justin Fashanu: can i just say this to my fascist brother John, "FUCK YOU, JOHN!!!" who kills themself to seek attention? that makes no sense. that's just dumb. i shoulda gone into fashion. i was hoping to get lost in this forest here, Nottingham Forest, aye? i'm coming from Ellicott City, Maryland.
Thomas: did you see Elliott from E.T. up there making a getaway?
Justin: i'll never get a fair trial cos i'm gay and it's the '90s.
Thomas: I AM GAY.
Justin: you are?
Thomas: no i mean you, say it proud!!! you can't lose yourself in these woods, believe me i've tried. you know i finally recognize you, you're Justin Fashanu the famous footballer. you had a BRILLIANT career.
Justin: had? thanks, mate. no comeback in my future then? i'm washed-up at 30? cut short by the press and media. the British papers were merciless, they called me Faganu.
Thomas: even in London? i'll have Pavlo look into that for you. hey you don't have to do anything rash, hide in here, that's what monasteries are for!!!
Justin scratches for 3 hours at the rash on his arms.
Thomas: think about it is all i'm saying. take a day, a week, a month in a monastery. not a year, that's too long.
Justin: i mean i'm a pioneer, a trailblazer. i was the first one.
Thomas: yeah but the first one always gets crucified.
Justin: i'm the man!!! i created the FIRST INTERNET MEME!!! doesn't that count for something?
Thomas: the destruction of society but it's not your fault. computers are the devil.
Justin: my interviewer was pants. too much pressure, i felt like Freddie Mercury. Ed Sheeran needs to LOSE that court case. i wish my interviewer had been Meghan Markle's interviewer.
Thomas: whatever you do do NOT go back to London. you do NOT want to end up in a ditch in Shoreditch. at least that's better than ending up on the front-lawn graveyard of a monastery. no large chains.
Justin: it was consensual.
Thomas: do not get work done. on your auto's boot i mean. in a garage. i'll hook you up with my lawyer Howard, Anna Nicole Smith's lawyer.
Justin: car hoose? sheep shed?
Thomas: RELAX. don't enter any place that is deserted or a lock-up, except this monastery. don't you want to relax more? what were you doing before all this bother?
Justin: i was taking a relaxing soak at Chariots Roman Spa.
Thomas: now THAT sounds heavenly!!! that's the spirit. did you see Charlton Heston, Jon Voight, and Clint Eastwood there?
Justin: why is being gay illegal?
Thomas: it's stupid, it has to do with religion, it's all fucked up.
Popeyes: not as good as your Auntie Edie's chicken but Auntie Edie is crazy...
Luffy: Haki? i like the Boston Bruins this year...
George Lucas: every movie must have a scene where a man or woman is throwing stuff all over a room in anger and frustration...
me: Kevin Durant is my favorite player.........obviously. skinny brothers unite.
college baseball is like country music...
Mark Borchardt: that American Express Business Platinum commercial about the full-of-himself British director, they talk about a coven. i mean come on, coven? come on. i wish i had THAT CREDIT CARD when i was making MY little moviereel...
George Lucas: appreciate the sad ending. nobody does sad endings anymore...
Darvin Ham: i'm not Tiny Lister...
Kyra Sedgwick: we use bacon grease in the bedroom.
Kevin Bacon: and bacon fat. i'm getting older. all electric. Kyra is my Minturn Minerva, i get all my mint teas from her. all natural from monastery forests.
Outer Limits "Lion's Den": also it's Vision Quest and Chariots of Fire.
Rod Serling: and Teen Wolf.
Kenan Thompson: and The Mighty Ducks.
SLC Punk: punk poseurs are punk phonies, right Holden Caulfield?...
The Outer Limits (1995): there was such a strong sense with this show that the Millennium was really going to be SOMETHING BIG...
Frank Black: ...
Frank Black: our show Millennium was about how every single person in the world was becoming clinically insane in anticipation of the Year 2000...
George Lucas: you won't be remembered by a woman unless you go on a date with her...
George Lucas: that is why you must always pay your Comcast bill in full.........if you don't have computer access you can't find a wife...
Carrie Fisher: Warren Beatty, stop chewing my leg.
Warren Beatty: okay i'll chew your thigh instead.
Do: none of this would have happened if Ti hadn't died early. we'd all still be alive today.
Boc: none of this would have happened if Do had been able to live freely and have sex freely as a gay man in society.
Thomas Merton: i mean i'm into cults, too, but when you start chopping off balls and throwing testicles off a bridge into a river, i'm out.
Odie: Heaven's Gate made me talk...
Garfield: ...
the Ody who looks like Sawyer from Lost: masturbating saved my life. if it wasn't for Madonna's music video for "Secret," i'd just be another suicide statistic.
Frosty the Snowman: plowable?...
Thomas Merton: now that we're talking don't you feel better? don't you feel less tense? less rash? less confined in your head? are you thinking more clearly now? do you feel you have more options?
Justin Fashanu: now that we've talked.
Thomas: so you don't feel the need to FLEE INSTANTLY everywhere anymore? to always be buying a plane ticket?
Justin: yeah mate thanks.
Thomas: what's your favorite show?
Justin: Chef! with Lenny Henry.
Thomas: the black Gordon Ramsay.
Justin: no Gordon is the white Gareth Blackstock!!! the first two seasons were The Remains of the Day, the third season was The Martin Lawrence Show...
Thomas: who was it that said the most romantic sport in the world is soccer.?
Pele: me.
Thomas: what are you doing in a monastery?
Pele: i'm everywhere, mate. watch where you point that orange-peeler, mate.
Thomas: sorry.
Pele: i was the one who coined soccer as The Beautiful Game. is this monastery beautiful to you?
Thomas: fuck no. but it does have MILES AND MILES of open fields, you can play soccer here to your heart's content forever!!! we can convert our prayer circle into a dance studio, nobody uses that musty locus-eater-wasp-bitten room, it's just a big eyesore of curly carpet.
Justin: thanks. i always did feel if i had been something other than a soccer player i could have survived and thrived. if i had joined the breakdancing culture in the '80s in New York City. if i had been a part of a community that UNDERSTOOD me. if i had been a b-boy...
Thomas Merton: i am PROUD to harbor a fugitive, you, for as long as it takes. as long as it takes for you to heal.
Justin: i don't do no Run 4 Recovery.
Thomas Merton pushes the boombox and Newcleus's song "Jam On It" starts vibrating across the hollow wooden slats playing a vibe to stay alive at Vespers through the beat-up loudspeakers in the monastery dancehall.
Justin Fashanu is taken with this music, something deep down stirs within him, he gives the eyelook like Michelangelo's David and starts to break.........dance. Justin starts to get the itch...
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