Lindy Lenz: hello.
me: hello. who are you?
Lindy Lenz: Lindy Lenz. i'm Jen R without the baggage, Jen R without the kid. we're both from Baltimore tho.
me: my long hard cock inside your dripping tight vulva?
Lindy: maybe try a softer approach? i'm trying to understand you.
me: sorry. i'm a dick. i'm a cock.
Lindy: remember, kindness. hmmm, in terms you would understand, remember Doctor Who's last words.
me: which one? ah yes, above all, be kind. wise words from Capaldi, shame he quit to die.
me: i had to suck cocks behind the Thrifty for money for drugs.
Lindy: i am so sorry for what has happened to you in your life. omg remember Thrifty Ice Cream? do they still sell that square ice cream? i am full of stories, full of adventures. The Price Is Right, Richard Jeni, Islands Restaurant.
me: you did TV news? you have that smoky sexy reporter voice where it sounds like a guy but it's hot.
Lindy: yeah but i only did one segment on Gentle Giants cat food with Robin.
Greykid: i made Batman cry.
Lindy Booth: that was supposed to be my gig. suicide really put a damper on my future work.
me: Lindy Lenz, i'm not chatting you up merely to write you as a character later in one of my plays, i swear. i'm here for connecting. i'm trying to be better, i'm trying to be a better person.
me: one of the ways i try to be a kinder person is through the cat litter i buy.
Lindy: yeah i feel you on that one.
me: ever since i met you you've inspired me. i want to go out. i want to experience the world. yes, they still make square Thrifty Ice Cream that's hip and delicious, the Woodland Hills plant in the palm trees is the only factory that still makes that square ice-cream scooper. i only buy the cat litter that's UNSCENTED. you've made me want to do jury duty.
Rory McIlroy: why did i withdraw from the RBC Heritage? what was the reason given? sadness.
La Crosse, Wisconsin: strangely, no lacrosse team...
me: so you're saying i should start journaling?
CalHOPE: yes.
me: does all of this writing count?
CalHOPE: no.
Lucio: only the green phone keeps the warmline warm...
pendulous: swinging balls on time
Princess Diana: Ukraine, time for me to get back to work...
Carol Stream: not a porn star
DeBarge "Rhythm of the Night" music video: not just a Pioneer Chicken, a Vaporwave Pioneer Chicken with neon lights.
The Line: ...
Barrel Island: where Donkey Kong originated.
King Kong: see? that's what i've been saying. as for me, i'm from New York City.
Morning Court: when you watch Night Court (2023) in the morning cos you forgot...
Arnold Schwarzenegger: potholes are a good thing, they mean there's no drought...
Jack Tripper: please, i'm not like Pete Holmes, okay?
Doryce: grocery shopping should be meditative.
Gladyce: not rushed.
Eye Luggage: She's Gotta Have It and go.
Spike Lee: the 2017 TV show based on my 1986 movie.........Anthony Ramos, my man looks WEIRD as me.
Anthony Ramos: i was putting my own spin on the character.
Spike Lee: i think you may have imbibed one too many pass-around-the-neighborhood Courvoisier mini-glass-bottles in the crushed-velvet purple pouch.
Mardith: the star of this movie is THAT BED!!!
Tracy Camilla Johns: i know, right?
Mardith: and also you, Tracy Camilla Johns, YOU ARE THE STAR here. a SUBLIME PERFORMANCE.
Tracy: thanks. i knew i was getting ground-up, i was getting in the ground-level of something special here. i was appearing at the start of the revolution.
Mardith: i love your smile at the end of the movie when you're holding the clapboard, it's so warm and genuine.
Tracy: mama always taught me that you gotta be a professional even if you're crying inside. but that bed. the arches, the curves, the million candles all totemed up like a cathedral. the bed was my stage for spiritual satisfaction a.k.a. sex. it's metal like a cage to house our animal instincts. it's a world of art unto itself, it's a Michelangelo. it's iconically carved!!!
Nola Darling: best name in film, better than Louden Swain. at first it seems like a porn name but the more you say it, the more it rolls off the tongue and becomes the name of a sophisticated urbanite, a madam parading the city in charge of her own shit, her own credit card, and her own sexual forces.
Spike Lee: i was thinking like New Orleans, Nawlins, Nola.
Thomas Merton: ...
Thomas Merton: like Nola Darling i too was in charge of my lust urges.
Spike Lee: why haven't i gotten an Oscar yet!!!? i mean SHIT. you KNOW?!!! you know you know you know?
Samuel L. Jackson: i know. right? where's MINE? where's MY OSCAR?!!! i got an "Honorary" Oscar, that shit don't count!!! where's my fucking reward for being the most recognizable ACTOR IN THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD!!! we Capital One brothers have to stick together.
Rubikon shakes Spike Lee's hand.
Rubikon: sir, i'd like to shake your hand for bringing FILM back, for being a king, for ushering in the New American Cinema of the 1980s, the serious black-and-white accounts and commentaries, dour documentaries, gritty street life, gritty farm life, you've done more to elevate black cinema than anyone who's ever done it.
Spike Lee: i mean i had to do SOMETHING to make it all worthwhile, right? i'm STILL paying off my student loans, i'm STILL paying for my NYU Film School classes...
Spike Lee: yes i had a DP on this shoot. that's Director of Photography, CNN, not Double Penetration...
Tommy Redmond Hicks: this was a very difficult part to play. this character is complicatedly creepy. however Bill Cosby personally told me i was PERFECT for The Cosby Show...
Bill Cosby: as my friend Marv Albert says, YES!!!
Tommy Redmond Hicks: you said i could be Sondra Huxtable's husband with a kid.........or Denise Huxtable's third boyfriend or something...
John Canada Terrell: best middle name ever. it's not a crime to have a good body, it's a crime to WEIGHTLIFT.
Raye Dowell: Gilstrap, way ahead of its time.
Joie Lee: like joie de vivre but pronounced differently.
S. Epatha Merkerson: I shoulda been the psychiatrist on Law & Order!!! that other guy is a music teacher who hits his students with cymbals if they play the wrong note. that other guy made me hate Fred Mertz.
Laertus's dad: can we take a moment for a shoutout when it comes to these beautiful names? Nola Darling, Jamie Overstreet, Greer Childs, Mars Blackmon, Opal Gilstrap, Clorinda Bradford, Sonny Darling, Spike Lee you are the NAME KING!!! these names are PITCH PERFECT.
Dirg: this whole thing reminds me of something.
Spike Lee: yeah, it's like if The Boondocks were live-action...
Takahashi: the black-and-white SIZZLES here, it shines, it makes it so clear and shiny and demarked, it sheens, it makes this movie ALIVE. it's VIBRANT, it wouldn't have been the same in color. it adds gravitas, i like how you point attention to the poverty and resiliency in your section of New York at the beginning.
Nola Darling: Brooklyn, where the action is. i break the fourth wall and speak directly to the camera because that's how all movies should be, characters speaking directly to the audience. because i'm attractive i need to be some sort of artist, those are the rules. i'm fresh outta college but somehow with a graphic-designer salary i can afford this GIGANTIC LOFT. if you wear a white tanktop you simply cannot wear a bra.
dog: i met you two minutes ago. and i am in love with you.
me: why is everyone looking at me? why are all the dogs looking at me?
Greykid: i'm looking at you, too.
dogs: girl we wouldn't mess with you if you weren't fine...
Jamie Overstreet: i was the son of a jazz musician, right? has to be, son of jazzman Louis Armstrong. my voice is as smooth as a waxed sax. unlike those other dogs, i will chase you over the rainbow. wherever you lead i shall follow. let's drop in for some Thrifty Ice Cream at this Fruit & Veg.
Spike Lee: see that? there are no DRUGS NOR JHERI CURLS in this picture!!!
Greer Childs: well i come CLOSE to a jheri curl...
Greer Childs: if the water is in a V-shaped glass, it's champagne.
Spike Lee: okay.........INTRODUCING.........MARS BLACKMON!!! greatest character in film history. i mean, right? the silver shine MARS belt buckle, the bike-messenger hat flipped up, the gold chains, the rims on my bike pedals, my basketball jersey with the airholes, I made the bike messenger cool, fuck Puck from The Real World!!!
Puck: you inspired me to follow my dream, Mr. Lee, of making bad TV.
Kevin Bacon: forget it...
Mars Blackmon: do you know do you know do you know?.........me repeating everything 3 times.........was i supposed to be autistic?.........autism wasn't a word yet in the 1980s...
Nola: i'm not juggling three suitors, i am merely FREE. i'm not tied down to a man, any man, all men. i am simply behaving like any man does when it comes to sex. unattached pleasure with no commitments. LUST. what's wrong with that? why are men so TERRIFIED of a woman's sexuality?
men: cos we can't control it. it's like a witch's spell.
Gladyce: i'll be gentle.
Nola: i like in my nightmare the three spurned ex-girlfriends are all pretty like me. now THOSE bitches were witches...
Mars: wow i can fit my whole bicycle in here!!! can i move in with you into this apartment? i'm so small i promise you won't see me, you'll never notice me.
Nola: you're my short king. you're my funny clown, my basketball court jester. i see the best in all 3 of you. have you memorized Malcolm X's birthday?
Mars: i'll be getting to Malcolm X later in my career...
Greer: Nola was your typical Brooklyn tackhead...
Spike Lee: first use of "tackhead" in cinema history. also here, first use of "bone" to mean "have sex" in cinema history.
Greer: wait are we dining at a garden apartment?
Nola: it'll be a mother-in-law apartment if you're not careful.
Greer: it's a restaurant on the second story, that's all that matters, it's fancy.
Jillian Clare: ...
Spike Lee: first use of real steak in film history...
Spike Lee: so this used to be my homage to Woody Allen but.........i mean in the '80s it was cool to be the Black Woody Allen...
Greer: Nola sees us three men as a COLLECTIVE, we are three parts to a whole, it's like the Borg i mean i don't watch that nerd shit it's like the Kama Sutra or Indian philosophy or some shit.
Opal: why wasn't the lesbian angle explored in this movie?
Spike Lee: i wanted to but i ran out of filmstock.
Opal: don't you want the fluidity to enjoy MY fluids, Nola?
Tracy: yeah i know, i was ready for Nola to explore being with a woman, ready for the sapphic scene, i mean you KNOW Nola wanted to fuck as many females as possible, Nola would never refuse a chance to voyage, to spelunk a new hole, to try a ladycave, you KNOW Nola was BI!!! that girl was down for ANYTHING.
Opal: it would've been so beautiful Nola and Opal. the bed would be strewn with pink Steven Universe crystals and lemon-sage tea. wet sheets. sex is not about awkwardly thrusting a stick in a hole which looks ridiculous, it's about hugging naked.
Nola: and licking female buttcracks.
Melissa Maker: my cunt tastes like Canadian bacon, round and mapley.
Spike Lee: i like Canadian bacon but i don't like the little straggles of meat that fall off it, you know? those meat threads, those pink tendrils. i like your Air Jordans btw, Melissa. the Mars Blackmon Air Jordans are the greatest Air Jordans of all time, the GOAT of sneakers.
Nola: btw am i the only one who shows her ASS in this movie? i mean we get Mars's butt but in briefs, in white underwear.
Spike Lee: nobody wants to see my butt. Michael Jordan Hanes.
Bill Lee: listen to that breezy soft jazz score, that trumpet that flows in your bones, that's ME, i did the music for this.
Spike Lee: how great was it that my family helped me with this, they were all the actors in this, i didn't have to pay them. if i didn't receive that grant from Sesame Street, this whole student film wouldn't have happened!!! wouldn't have seen the light of day. best student film ever, sorry John Carpenter and David Lynch. look at my father up there on the silver screen being Nola's father!!! what an ACTORE this man is!!! so refined and marbled and debonair, best beard in the biz!!!
me: all only children are doomed...
Joie: i miss my roommate. i need a sounding board for my harp album i'm conceiving. only in New York: a harp in an apartment.
Nola: awww, that's sweet you missed me.
Joie: i don't miss all the strange men in my bed at 4AM, i'm not tryna be Linda Fiorentino up in here. i miss when you paid your half of the rent...
Laertus: WHOA!!! COLOR!!! THE COLOR HITS AND BLINDS!!! it looks so wonderfully weird in color!!! like The Wizard of Oz with Michael Jackson. it's somehow not as '80s anymore. i was NOT EXPECTING THIS, i thought it'd be black-and-white throughout.
Spike Lee: Sesame Street lent me let me borrow a few cashbucks.
Laertus: is that the same stage they used for Hair?
Bjork: this song is like if i did the musical version of the Diff'rent Strokes theme song...
Jamie: it's easy to lie to dancers, just jeep shuffling your feet until they believe you...
Nola and The Three at the Thanksgiving Table.
Nola: this is the best Thanksgiving movie, not Die Hard. white meat or dark meat?.........get it?...
Mars: hmmm, what to do what to do what to do. what to say what to say what to say. Thanksgiving table conversation let's see. let's talk about the NBA. i, Spike Lee, popularized basketball for White America.
Jamie: you gotta admit, Larry Bird is the best player in the world.
Mars: Larry Bird is the best player in the world? he's the UGLIEST player in the world and that's not racist that's just factually correct. have you heard of this kid Michael Jordan?
Greer: who? i look like Lando Calrissian.
Mars: yeah by the way why am I not in the Air movie?!!! I popularized Michael Jordan for the masses with my black-and-white Mars Blackmon Air Jordan shoe commercials.
Jamie: i must be John Henry's son, right? son of the freedman. i got that low bellow.
Nola: i got a flattop. you just noticed that now, huh.
Mars: okay so we'll have the camera in a CLOSEUP on your breast, your breast looks like a giant mountain, and my mouth comes in and sucks on your nipple. god i love being the director.
Nola: remove your shoes. i'll take your shoes off for you, little man.
Mars: no not the shoes!!! IT'S GOTTA BE THE SHOES. leave them on please.
Charles Barkley: my shoe commercial was also black-and-white...
Nola: okay let's all of us play Scrabble on my bed. remember the '80s when everyone played board games?
Greer: they were FUN. they're still fun but no one plays them anymore.
Jamie: there was nothing else to do at 7:30 after dinner, nothing good on TV.
Mars: gotta is a word. gonna is a word. and mo' is a word. as is betta. fuck going to the paperback dictionary.
Mardith: no. no no. no this simply cannot be, this simply will not do, this simply cannot stand, of all three men SHE CHOOSES HER RAPIST?!!!
Madame Pons: i agree with you wholeheartedly, darling, i feel for you. but you know, that's kinda how it was back then. women didn't report rape, they made excuses for it, they kept it hidden and silent because they knew they wouldn't be believed. they tried to slough it off and minimize it as somehow a part of lovemaking which it NEVER IS.
Spike Lee: that is the one thing i wish i could get in a time machine and do over with this movie back in 1986. i wish i hadn't MADE LIGHT OF RAPE. rape is always serious and is never a punchline. a thousand apologies, i am truly sorry. i'm sorry, thank you. won't happen in the TV show.
Greer: you're dumping me? man forget you!!! i'm getting myself a white woman.
Nola: who?
Greer: IVANA TRUMP!!!
Mars: you're dumping me? me me me? but why? the test audiences said you and i made the best match. we're a couple, boo. first "boo" ever.
Nola: you're funny, Mars. you make me laugh. you're hilarious. but you need to grow up.
Mars: grow up?!!! comedians don't grow up, that's the whole point!!!
Jamie: you're celibate now?
Nola: that's what my psychiatrist recommended.
Jamie: oh you girls always shut off and start reading books!!! remember, you can be abstinent without being celibate.
Thomas Merton: yes.
Rubikon: Mr. Spike Lee sir, i love at the end of this film you holding the clapboard and yelling CUT as the director AND actor. THAT SMILE OF YOURS, you have THE SAME SMILE back then that you do now!!! it's so joyous to see!!!
Spike Lee: it's that same enthusiasm for the art of film. i smiled harder back then when i was broke...
Nola Darling monologuing to the camera: and we come back to THE BED, my bed, MY SYMBOL OF FREEDOM. i am ALONE in my bed as i should be. i'm alone in my life. i'm alone in life, unattached, unbound, free. this Sanskrit bed. g'night folks. g'night one and all.
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