me: i'm getting out more because of you.
Lindy Lenz: i'm glad.
me: i want to do my taxes because of you.
Lindy: that's the first step.
me: i want to drive, purchase cat litter, go for walks. you know how scary it is to go for a walk?
Lindy: did you get that voice message i sent ya?
me: sure did. YOUR VOICE MESSAGES GIVE ME LIFE. i play them over and over, i wish i could save them onto something, it's like we're having a proper phone-call conversation as boyfriend/girlfriend.
Lindy: let's take things SLOW.
me: i don't have the time to squander, i'm old and could die at any moment. i just wish...
Lindy: yes?
me: why must the voice messages be few and far between? your last voice message was A YEAR AGO!!! why do you disappear for three months after we have a nice chat on Instagram?
Lindy: because life for me is NOT Instagram, not Instagram at all. life is LIFE, you know? actual LIFE.
me: i used to have that, too, in the '80s. now it's a foreign concept to me but i'm relearning.
we stop by an abandoned stage in the Theatre District of Berkeley.
me: this coulda been my dream. but it's been razed not raised.
Lindy: you did those puppet shows from that French In Action thing?
me: i wish. see that large beam of wood up there? that used to say TONGUE PUNCH.
Lindy: it was a sign? or it was carved in.
me: not even Berkeley would let me carve it. too much money, we're socialists, haven't you heard?
Lindy: just a suggestion from WAY FAR AFIELD but.........maybe lay off the porn? you know? maybe see how life could be without all the porn. life isn't a porno, it's LIFE.
me: i know, and this is why you're good for me.
Lindy: i gotta take you back to Baltimore with me. i had a theater there, a carved wood horizontal totem beam, it said CHARM CITY. see? like that.
me: hey you wanna go down to where they film Check Please Bay Area? they're starting in with the new episodes FINALLY tomorrow.
Lindy: that idea sounds DUCKY!!! but please treat Leslie Sbrocco with more respect.
me: don't worry, i see her as my mom now.
we get there and Leslie Sbrocco is just about to raise her glass of limoncello wine.........to START the show.
Leslie: don't roast duck. ducks deserve to get grill marks. okay everybody ready? tonight's guests are Barack Obama, Kathy Hilton, and Margalit Cutler.
Margalit Cutler: ironically i am only able to talk about my vag because i have big tits.
Kathy Hilton: so i couldn't try their artichoke because they weren't in season.
Leslie looks around Kathy Hilton's face, she checks on her face front to back and ear to ear.
Leslie: um, that's what we like to call on this planet FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.
Kathy: hey you're just as bad as me.
Leslie: oh no honey, we are VERY DIFFERENT BLONDES.
Kathy: i mean you feed your kids wine, right? how do you do the show each week, aren't you blasted on a box of wine? aren't you constantly drunk when you're at meetings?
Leslie: being a wine expert doesn't mean i'm automatically a wino. what about YOUR KID? you let your poor kid rot in THAT CAMP!!! scarred her for life.
Kathy Hilton starts crying.
Kathy: low blow. i didn't know about the camp. Paris NEVER TALKS TO ME!!! i am so ashamed. they hurt my kid.
Leslie hugs Kathy.
Leslie: sorry. here, have a spotted glass of chocolate wine, that always makes me feel better. i will never take a bite of food on this show. that made Paris Hilton a strong woman, a more courageous woman, she's now an advocate, when she runs for office she's actually gonna enact CHANGE. they're calling her a reformer.
Kathy: without that camp there'd be no tape.
Leslie: this is the price we all pay for being blonde women.
Kathy: thank you for being a friend. eat these stuffed out-of-season artichokes on camera.
Leslie: so it says here that you're a state senator from Illinois?
Obama: yes. don't let my skinniness fool you, i'm going places.
me: Obama is an inspiration for me. fellow skinny person.
Leslie: so how did you like Dixie Kitchen, Barack?
Obama: a Disneyland of flavors. if you don't want to eat any of the food, have 5 johnnycakes, you will be full.
Amanda Puck: remember me?
Kathy Hilton: i don't get you. i get being a famous person's wife and all the lifehacks you get free. but you're Wolfgang Puck's SISTER-IN-LAW. in-laws are invisible people.
Obama: the producers didn't want me, they wanted Michelle to be on the show...
Tony Romo in Skechers: i wear tennis shoes to play golf. i only play football with my kids. and by "going to work" i mean carrying a styrofoam cup of coffee with a heat collar...
fart cone: mint chocolate chip? no, it's an area of radius...
anus radius: ...
Ja Morant: i'm replacing Alex Trebek...
Gladyce: dear, the grocery store thing.
Doryce: yeah.
Gladyce: the WWF grocery store brawl, did they buy out the grocery store to conduct this wrestling fight or were those civilians real and reacting real-ly and not actors?
Doryce: i'm loving the muscles on those chaps.
Gladyce: i have a soft spot for a grocery store, it's my only non-Treehouse place i stay in for more than two hours...
The Goldbergs: i mean how rad is that, the show is about the 1980s and it lasted for exactly 10 years.
Laertus's dad: hear hear with my purple heart. i was never in the military.
Odessa A'zion: crazy eyes? yes i look like Paris Jackson. people on the street throw me blankets.
Boc: why can't American Pride mean proud gay Americans?
Eye Luggage: Shampoo (1975) and go.
Billy Crystal: not Soap...
Greykid: no bath for me. i want to be one of those cats who NEVER TAKES A BATH FOR LIFE.
Laertus: i must confess, i always thought it was Richard Gere in this, not Warren Beatty.
Richard Gere: and the winner is.........Moonlight.
Laertus: i don't know why, but after watching 15 minutes of this movie i started to feel REALLY DEPRESSED.
Eye: i know why, babe, it's that NIXON/AGNEW straw hat that girl walking down the street is wearing.
Dirg: oh yeah, Nixon won!!! this is during that time.
Laertus: interestingly this movie was made in real life JUST AFTER Nixon had resigned in disgrace, this is showing the aftermath RIGHT THEN AND THERE.
Luffy: what are politics?...
Hal Ashby: i gave you Carrie Fisher, universe. you're welcome. notice how everyone in my movie has no idea about politics, no idea about what's going on in this country at the time, everyone's just decadent and orgy-fucking, that's how the deleterious nefarious harmful politics enters the body politic through the cracks...
Dirg: i mean can we take a moment to admire DAT JULIE CHRISTIE ASS!!! that thing is AS TINY AS CAN BE!!!
Rubikon: her butt is tighter than a pincushion. or arse i guess. you could bounce dimes off that thing and they would reach Mars. or Venus i guess.
Bill Nye: ...
Bobby Shmurda: ...
Bobby Shmurda: i'm still skinny...
Julie Christie: you know i DESPISED this character, i hated playing her. she was so damn shallow and an airhead bimbo. i only did it as a favor to Warren Beatty whom i was dating at the time.
Warren: oh yeah, i remember that.
Julie: and do you also remember YOU DUMPING ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS FILM?!!! yeah that was a PAINFUL SET to be on, we had just broken up and we had to pretend to be lovers. not just lovers, NEW LOVERS!!!
Stevie Nicks: sounds familiar.
Lindsey Buckingham: "Hold Me"?
Stevie: never again. oh that "Gypsy" set was long, painful, and cancerous...
Julie Christie: i was an icon of the Swinging Sixties in London.
Warren: a lot of good that did you.
Julie: what do you mean?
Warren: John Lennon never became Prime Minister.
Warren Beatty: George Roundy, now that's a Bond villain. wait, your last name is Karpf? don't just lay there on the bed like a dead fish.
Lee Grant: i should have been Carol Burnett.
Jill Haynes: Warren come quick!!! an intruder has broken into my home!!!
Warren: it's just your imagination, little woman.
Jill: um, this is 1975.
Warren: oh yeah, forgot. so who's the burglar?
Jill: the robber is Kurt Russell. he came to steal my heart. luckily i have Temptations and Cranberries records in the house.
Jack Warden: haven't you seen me somewhere before? wasn't i in Bewitched?
Warren: how do you nickel-and-dime at a beauty salon?
boss: relax, just do RELAXING. relaxing the hair is the newest thing, it's all the rage!!! white women in this era want to be black, they want to be Civil Rights Movement allies.
Warren: i feel the urge to hum FM-84's "Bend & Break" to the scenes of Earth Girls Are Easy.
beauty-shop customer: want me to sing my anime ballad for you?
Warren: you look familiar.
beauty-shop customer: Cynthia Wood. hey i did this AFTER Van Nuys Blvd.!!!
Warren: please remove your headband or i can't cut your hair.
Warren: i ride my motorcycle through the streets of Beverly Hills to show i am a lone wolf, no one woman can tame me, i will never get settled down into marriage. this Triumph motorcycle will later be used in Vision Quest...
Stephanie Niznik: ...
Warren at the bank for a bank loan.
Warren: want me to stick this blue medicated comb up your butt?
banker: call me bankman. i have nightmares about Barbicide.
Warren: isn't everyone preapproved?
banker: you need to make more money, try charging for the activator.
me: this bank scene hits cuttingly close to home, too close, it's painful to watch and experience, I WILL NEVER GET A LOAN FROM THE BANK.
Lindy: that's the first step to a real life.
me: i LOVE seeing all of Downtown Los Angeles in the 1970s, it's such a treat!!!
Paul Thomas Anderson: i know, right?
Lucio: omg THAT is my house!!! that's my house in Sherman Oaks!!! the white stucco house Warren enters, Goldie Hawn's house.
me: i know!!! i spent many a joyous sleepover night there with you.
Lucio: playing the latest Nintendo game on a bunk bed.
Warren: can you bankroll me?
Lester: sure why not, you're obviously GAY since you're a hairdresser. that isn't too on the nose, all you artsy-fartsy types like Jack Tripper, right? i feel comfortable leaving both my wife and my girlfriend with you. the one thing i don't trust about you, Warren Beatty, is your HAIR.
Julie Christie: me? best friends with Goldie Hawn? NEVER!!!
Carrie Fisher: so you wanna fuck?
Warren: um, you're 18 in the script and 21 in real life, right?
Carrie Fisher: are you a fag?
Warren: language, young lady. swallow down that crudite, let me see you work that carrot first.
Roger Federer: oh my GOD Carrie Fisher strutting down that brown tennis court in that white tennis outfit, her BIG BUTT, her BIG PUFFY NIPPLES.........THAT BANDANA!!!
Carrie Fisher: you got orange balls?
Warren: excuse me?
Carrie: orange tennis balls, it's the '70s. also in the '70s, everyone has a mistress.
Dirg: you know, they really should have had a scene with Carrie Fisher and Warren Beatty fucking. that would have added SPICE to the proceedings. i mean strictly for the mother/daughter angle.
Carrie: see how i'm squatting on this bed with my legs turnt up showing my vag lines? my barefoot feet on the futon with a pixie look on my face. it's like that Basic Instinct scene.
Warren: that's not how a young lady sits. do you really hate your mother that much that you'd fuck me just to get back at her?
Carrie: yes. in real life, too.
Warren: does it still count if it's a pity fuck?
Julie Christie: oh yes, i forgot about that, there was NO HAIR DOUBLE, that's my actual real hair, i had to really get it CUT for this!!! that's painful for a woman. CLOSE THE DOOR YOU'RE LETTING THE STEAM OUT!!!
Warren: so you want me to style your hair so it goes from looking like a 1970s hooker to a 1960s hooker.
Julie: yes, give me the Twiggy bob!!!
at the Republican Party party. election-night soiree dinner.
Laertus: that giant Nixon poster is making me nauseous. luckily after Nixon resigns this place gets turned into a Don's Plum.
Warren: what are you doing?
Jill: i'm gonna go to a faraway place for five weeks to shoot that Anderson Cooper show where the topic takes the whole hour. this is Johnny Pope.
Johnny Pope: otherwise known as Richard Belzer.
Julie Christie: i want to suck his cock. i've always wanted to say that in a major motion picture release...
Julie Christie: i'm a film actress you see...
FBI/CIA/ATF: everyone, please leave your tables and exit the premises, there's a BOMB in here. it was planted by Richard Nixon himself.
at the posh counterculture party.
Jimi Hendrix: hey man want some bud? you're not a narc, right?
Lester: i feel so out of place here. but i still enjoy sex.
Jimi: you gotta get naked to get the bud. behold, the first use of a strobe light EVER!!! this mansion is what every single steakhouse in America is gonna look like come the 1970s...
Howard Hesseman: if i can be your papa i promise to play The Mamas and the Papas on my radio station.
Michelle Phillips: you're a DJ? that's what all guys say.
Howard: i'm Red Dog, baby. not Clifford. i'm not a creep. i look like the director of this movie.
Michelle: i had the best soprano voice in pop music, i shoulda done opera.
Howard: i hate to break this to you but your KIDS will be better than you in the music department. kids are the future, they're smart, they adapt, just ask my kids in that creepy Outer Limits episode "Music of the Spheres..."
Mardith: i love thinking late at night by walking on a tennis court. i've had the best thoughts come to me on a tennis court at night.
Madame Pons: that was you i bumped into? i was playing tennis at night, we didn't use tennis balls, we hit around over the net one glowing neon magic mushroom...
Warren: oh shit, i didn't know refrigerators had LIGHTS!!!
Takahashi: vigorous unmollified fucking, that's how all sex should be. the best part of this movie is all the red cans of Coca Cola Classic.
Tyzik: and all the TVs...
Goldie Hawn: Golda Meir is my glamma. i weigh as much as this chair, but i was still able to throw it and break the window shattering the glass Body Heat style.
Jill: what does this golden earring mean?
Warren: it means i'm in a glam band.
Jill: you're not worthy of love.
Warren: i got into the hair business to meet beautiful women. ugly women are bankers. i went to hair school and everything. was it worth it? yes. i had a lot of sex. the repo men towed away my motorcycle. i have no soul.
Jill: a crowning commitment like Goldie Hawn has, now THAT's a marriage!!!
Lester: these are the mafia men who are going to shoot you in your own home and bury your body in your own front lawn.
Warren: good, i need a van, my motorcycle got stolen. i got a gun, too, a hair dryer. and a knife, scissors.
Lester: blow me with the blow dryer. i don't understand women.
Warren: because you treat women like shit.
Lester: maybe Nixon will be better.
Warren: um, no.
George Lucas: chase scene, every movie needs a chase scene...
Steven Spielberg: ...
Paul Thomas Anderson: ...
Warren Beatty: this last scene is ICONIC. i'm the man at the top of the mountain, looking down at the world. and i am ALONE. alone on this hilltop. i see that tiny garage door down below, the van which will become the limousine which will become the stationwagon driving off taking Julie Christie away from me, taking my happiness and my future AWAY. i lost. i cried my eyes out, tears an ocean, as i blubberingly confessed my love to Julie Christie. but she left me looking over an overlook...
Warren: you're the only one who understands me. like Bob Saget's wife.
Julie Christie: you're a lovely man. i get you and you get me.
Warren: let's have a child together.
Julie: it's.........just.........i.........can't.........be.........with.........you. longterm. you don't make enough money to sustain a family. Lester is a pig but he's rich. my weakness is avocados.
Warren: i love that this isn't a happy ending. IT'S A SAD ENDING!!!
Jen R: okay i'm here. there was tennis in this movie so i'm back.
Lindy Lenz: who are you?
Jen R: Jen R, hon. who are you? that's MY worn-out ticket to the Scissor Sisters show you're taking him to!!!
Lindy Lenz: i'm you without the baggage, without the kid.
Jen R with a headtwitch: pleasant. we look alike, we could be sisters.
me: yeah like maybe sisters in a screenplay i'm writing, just think about it.........who are you with?
Jen R: Noah Baumbach.
Lindy: how's Baltimore?
Jen R: better since you left. g'night folks. you thought i would never talk again, huh.
Lindy Lenz: g'night folks. that's a ratty sweater you got on...
