Monday, February 6, 2023



Tony Hawk skateboards to school. i see him grinding down the sidewalk, he takes a sharp right with his deck and sparks fly from his wheels. oh yeah, the two of us go to the same grade school as kids.
Less wearing a helmet despite only walking on the sidewalk: WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!!! 
me: and whose presence are we in? why it's the founding member of Flock of Seagulls.
Tony Hawk: very funny. i am however the first person ever to skate in Chuck Taylors.
Less: hey i saw your picture on a milk carton. yeah that was you the boy in the well the boy stuck in that pipe. makes sense, you would go on to skate on and in pipes.
Tony: dude that's not funny.
Less: oh, sorry. i'm awkward around people. i was just trying to be cool.
me: dude you can't be cooler than Tony Hawk!!!
Less: wait but are we even ALLOWED to skateboard to school?
Tony: hadn't checked. i wake up, shower under sundrops, eat my bowl of cereal whilst watching SilverHawks and My Hero Academia Season 5, and go with the flow bussin' my front door open into outside with my board.   
Tony parks his skateboard in the first RESERVED FOR TEACHERS ONLY parking spot in the lot next to the First Period building.
Tony: you guys, meet me back here after school right at 3PM, i'm gonna take you to a place where you guys are gonna learn a few new tricks.
Less: i've never had sex.
Tony: SKATE tricks, dude.

Tony Hawk, Less, and i are fiddling with the first fidget spinners: locker locks.
Less: what's that sticker on the back of your board?
Tony: a metal hawk skull. it's my own sticker.
Less: oh cool, i thought it was Metallica.
me: wait, skateboarding is a BRAND?!!! it's not just a hoodlum's inner-city dreamscape?
Tony: mainstream that deck!!! dude what is up with these combination locks? i've been standing here for 11 minutes, i haven't been spinning this much since i did that ollie grind at the Sherman Oaks Galleria.
Less: what's your combination?
Tony: 1111

Tony Hawk: so how's the Tiny Tempest going?
me: oh that's right, that's what you're naming my Chromebook this week. it's awesome, dude. i never DREAMED i could have so much space to myself again!!! there's so much space in the back of it to put my three cans of Coke no problem, no risk of spillage onto the keyboard.
Tony: yeah that's rad. hey how do you work these vending machines? i'm thirsty for a Mr. Pibb.
Less: you have to inject neon into the coin slot.
me: or if you don't have neon in your OP-shorts pocket you can just use a neon coin, do you have a neon coin, Tony Hawk?
Tony: just the one on my skateboard wheel holding the frame together, the coin acts like a bolt. Ocean Pacific, i flew over their headquarters on the beach. on my board.
Less: those Bermuda shorts with the front pockets are overpowered.

it's Second Period and time for P.E. the crones are outside on the grass inside the track oval waiting for class to let out.
Doryce: when will the class be released? i'm waiting for my waifu. i'm waiting for the dears to run. and for my beefcake Alabama to stumble into the weightroom.
Gladyce: patience, dear, we're 200 years old we can wait a little longer. 200 years median age. why are we shirtless? it's COLD out here!!!
Doryce: that's why you do your jumping jacks, dear, to warm up.

me: my abbot, Abbot Butt, left the monastery to become the new Abbot of Unreason...

Droids playing in the neon underground library: why hasn't live-action Star Wars done a speeder race inside a glass tube yet?...

E.Z. Taylor from Three's a Crowd: hi, i'm the surfer dude. i'm not the guy from The Blue Lagoon, okay?

George Lopez in the parking lot: in my new show i have the wackiest '70s-London-punk haircut of all time. it's a WA-CHA situation.

Takahashi under the neon underground parking lot: the cybertruck.........okay Musk you win. more of these anime autos. more of these manga-mobiles.

Jamie Lee Curtis by the bike rack: so is the Mama's Family house in Missouri or Mississippi?
Vicki Lawrence: it's in your Halloween movie.

songle: that wet dripping desperation of being single, realizing you actually CANNOT MAKE IT ALONE...

at the Sherman Oaks Galleria.
me: you're late.
Tony Hawk: my boss kept me an hour at Pizza Hut teaching me how to fold a New York pizza properly. 
Tony Hawk: watch me. as i ollie-grind this waterfall coming out of the glass elevator on the second floor and land perfectly on the marble linoleum bottom floor below. this is called a mall grab.
Less: but.........HOW? how did you ollie the waterfall when there's no metal pipe inside the waterfall, it's just water.
Tony: i'm Jesus. did you ever win the St. Cyril's Marathon?
Less: no.
Tony: then you're a no-lapper.

Tony Hawk: come on, boys, join me as we get ourselves a couple of Orange Juliuses and suck off JUST the frothy frozen orange juice concentrate pulp part.



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