me: i can feel it like it happened one week ago...which it did. i feel it NOW, all the emotion, the raw emotion. that moment when i never saw Jen R again. i look down from a neon cross on the street of a grimy sidewalk at my watch and at my phone. there it is in black and white:
Seen. 1 Hour Ago
me: i can't believe it, Jen R was there, RIGHT THERE IN MY DMs!!! i can REACH OUT MY HAND to touch her pink-grandma-sweatered hand, i can hold her, i can bring her BACK to me, wrench her back INTO MY CHEST. THROUGH the computer screen. she was there only an hour ago, breathing, talking cynical talk, massaging her smack, commiserating, coming up with something, i coulda rejoindered back, texted her a stupid phrase, kept the chain going.
me: the question is what was I doing an hour ago? eating a bowl of breakfast? eating Trix? why was it so important to clean my teeth at THAT time? the witching hour. the plaque never comes out no matter how vigorously you rub your enamel. what's a bad picture if it's a picture WITH Jen R? Jen R can't take a bad picture...
Jen R: hi. it's fine. calm down, dude.
me: the STUPID thing is that the last pic you ever saw of mine, well the last video, was something dumb of a green parrot asking for cocktail cheese, it had no bearing on the world, all the wild conversations we had about psychedelic pills for portals and which band we needed to cure the world with their love.
Jen R: i know but i knew that wasn't you. we had a lot of good talks in the past so it's okay. we both settled on Keanu Reeves being hungry rather than sad in that pic.
me: i have a confession to make. not a Catholic one. i HAVE been interested in a religion, well i should say that if i HAD to join a religion, the one that utterly FASCINATES me even to this day is Scientology. i'd join Scientology, be one of those Scientology hitmen who stalks ex-Members' houses and lawns. a god goon, a theology thug, a bible bully, a holy hitman. i know all the rumors, i know all the facts, i watched that episode of South Park, they believe in an Alien In The Sky. but i still gotta do it, you know? it's just too weird that i love it, it enchants. it's this mouth-watering combination of science and religion. it's this secret cabal of Modern-day Medieval Gnosticism, there's something about lost souls such as i being able to FINALLY join a cult that'll have me and be privy to information that only like 5 people in the world know. like only I have the keys to figure out how to beat life, i've been given the secret Nintendo code to the video game of life. i'm cheating at church but don't tell anyone. everything on the down low. the founder's wife is under house arrest a long time but we don't talk about that at award ceremonies.
Rubikon: you know dog i feel you. about the Scientology thing, it captivates me too.
Jen R: you're just into it cos of the glamor of the Hollywood celebrities.
me: it's true i admit it they glitter my gold teeth, shaking them saintly. what say all of us go down to a Meeting?
Rubikon: yeah but i don't want to go to that iconic Blade Runner metal trellis Church with the neon red sign in the middle of Hollywood, the corner of Vine and Sunset, right? i want to go to the Harlem Chapter of Scientology downtown.
me: i'm with you, brother, let's do this.
we get there and the first item that's confiscated is my Chromebook from my pouch.
The Line: sorry dude, no recording allowed inside. i do like your device tho, it's fresh, it's fly. i'm calling it the Boon Book.
Rubikon: damn, YOU work here now?!!!
The Line: just going with the flow like E.Z. Taylor. you should try it sometime, my brother.
me: i wish i was a street poet like you, Mr. Line. yeah the Chromebook has become my only companion, i do get my wrists caught on the corners of it tho when i try to type on it wearing my sweatshirt...
Frozen River: wanna watch strippers on The Weather Channel?
Jen R and i are crossing a neon bridge in an electric ferry.
me: what do you want to talk about now?
Jen R: Prince.
me: pillow princes i mean pillow princess? sorry, i'm nervous around you. Prince, right, Prince, of course, the purple singer.
Jen R: i'm straight, remember? i told you Evan Dando is dreamy.
me: now see, SEE?!!! i don't want to live in a world of war, pandemics, and STRIFE. eternal teams. i want to live life the way the Scooby Gang live life, ALL THEY ARE CONCERNED ABOUT is hot-dog-eating contests.
Jen R: i like pizza. i'm a pizza girl myself. i'm partial to the pizza. they couldn't let Scooby beat Joey Chestnut?!!! BOO!!! less strife, more fife.
The Shroud of Turin on display NOT UNDER GLASS at Elon Musk's house: i may not be Jesus but that face on the shroud is creepy.
Medieval Times: looks like one of our mustachioed knights...
Jen R and i in the elevator inside the house.
me: that betrayal hurt. that betrayal was brutal.
Jen R: which one?
me: Nana Visitor's in her Outer Limits episode.
Jen R: consider yourself blessed.
Mardith and Dirg at the neon-green greenhouse.
Mardith: Antony Blinken is hot.
Dirg eating dirt: ...
Alcaraz at the indoor tennis courts: i'm Nadal with good knees.
cancer alley: a long slender cigarette
Art Monk standing beside a bust of his face: that better be marble and not mayonnaise. i had to use mayonnaise to paint when i was a kid. i was nicknamed "Quiet Man" cos like my last name i was quiet as a monk mouse.
Jerry from Tom and Jerry and Codrus: ...
Berkeley Carroll on the street corner: how to make BOTH your dreams come true...
Biden: don't worry, we've got your sister safe, i protected her from the aliens.
Mulder: thanks, Joe.
Biden: she's in a SCIF.
Mulder: i really wish you hadn't told me that...
E.Z. Taylor: you know what the Three's a Crowd ending is? Shangri-la.
Michael Cera in a neon movie theater: call me on my landline. i have NO smartphone, NO social media, i am the healthiest human of all time on the planet and i have no more Hollywood jobs...
Newcleus "Jam On It" Break Street '84 playing on the white wall of the church at night: what happened JUST AFTER Welcome Back, Kotter ended...
Stephen A. Smith: i accidentally told my gardener to touch grass and i am sorry for this.
Torstein Rehn: i don't do anime.
Dave Gahan on a black mountain: let's be honest, we all thought Depeche Mode would become a twosome because of ME...
soft watch: when Salvador Dali's mustache goes limp and turns flaccid.
Katy Tur: if i hadn't left France to cover the Trump Campaign, i would have ended up marrying Richard Belzer in Paris.
Richard Belzer: you'd wear a grey wedding dress, i'd wear my Mick Jagger sparkling one-piece bodysuit and dance like a duck.
Abraham Lincoln: nobody travels for Presidents' Day...
Tony Romo in a bucket hat on the neon golf course: i'm a gofer, not a gopher. i bought Welcome Back, Kotter The Complete Series on DVD, $50 at Walmart...
Marcelo Rios: yeah i wore a wedding gown later in my life. i was the shortest man ever to be #1 in the world and i also held the #1 spot for the SHORTEST time...
blues week: every middle school needs a Mental Health Resource Center lit up in neon blue glow.
Michael Phelps: i tried to get into one of those resource centers, i tried to access the blue-hue gate but the neon door was blocked by snow...
Molly Qerim naked floating up to the night sky bathed in a warm bath of light from the city lights of New York City: i get all my sweatsuits from Walmart.........i order them online.
Anime Aldon: i'm Aldon Jacob, reminding you that walmart.com like animesuperhero.com has shut down permanently...
Gladyce: you know when i do my jumping jacks, i try to position myself EXACTLY between the eaves so nobody sees me.
Billy Corgan: ...
Doryce: it's like how Billy Corgan creeps under the eaves at night.
Billy Corgan wearing a neon collar around his bald head: i'm still coming to grips with my witch powers...
Lucio Rossi holding the cool green phone: OVER 200 BLOCKS!!!
me holding the red phone: you say that like it's a bad thing. it's so cool and satisfying to pick off each of these spam calls one by one.........and i HATE skeet shooting.
David Miscavige is giving the sermon by the pulpit made of star telescopes.
David Miscavige eating a whole head of raw cabbage as he speaks: listen to that CRUNCH, that's my name. look, you've heard some PRETTY WEIRD THINGS about Scientology but it's all been from OUTSIDE, you've never experienced the truth INSIDE, go inside yourself. i'm not talking about masturbation. it's an Audit on a boat, it's painless. preclear just means you have no zits on your face and can dispose of the zit cream, this is what happened with that Degrassi band. don't worry about my wife, she's home resting.
upstairs from the speech on top of David in the library hanging from the ceiling by two giant silver link chains like a metal Atlas, Jen R, Rubikon, and i are pushing buttons and turning back dials.
Jen R: oh this little tuner is so CUTE!!! look at this little button here like my sweater button, like a joystick.
me: yeah it all looks like a video game to me.
Rubikon: this place looks like an arcade.
Jen R: i'm not gonna push this button and an electrical shock goes straight to the frontal and backal lobes of my brain and scrambles my mind forever, right? before this job interview begins, the drugs in me prevent me from lying to you so here goes my confession straight from my system: i haven't paid taxes EVER...
as Jen R reaches out her hand to grab i instinctively reach out MY hand to grab HER hand. but Jen R is going for the button.........she tries to push it but her wrist gets caught on the corner of the tuner by the hole in the sleeve of her pink grandma sweater.