SNOW IN LOS ANGELES

notes:

* but not at Fishermans Wharf in Cannery Row. imagine the snow gently falling on the pier and slipping off the dock into the Bay water. now THAT is Hemingway shit.

* why are seasons of TV shows and cartoon shows and anime shows always 13 episodes? isn't 13 an unlucky number?

* Brooke Shields: come on, i'm still hot. yes my EYEBROWS could play Herman Munster in the new Rob Zombie movie.........btw, whatever happened to that movie? did it come out?

Eye Luggage flashing her eyebrows: ...

* Melissa Maker: MPJs, that's how we hold milk in Canada. that's how milk is served in Canada, how milk comes in Canada. stands for Melissa's Pure Juice. you need to buy an extra milk pitcher to drink milk in Canada. milk bags are fun.........please, no more tit jokes. no more milk jokes, milk is disgusting.

* hold space: when you take the time to solve your friend's many deep problems every single day.........so you don't have to share SPACE with him at night...

* Vastu: like if golden milk was an ice pop

* Oregon: WOW!!! this whole time we had no idea Idaho was our neighbor!!!...

* Shawn Mendes: so i went to my chiropractor to get a kink in my neck healed and she recommended sex...

chiropractor: wanna get a kink in your neck released? wanna get a kink removed? sex is the ultimate release...

* Shawn Mendes: doc, can you get this kink out of my neck?

chiropractor: wait, you sing? do you sing badly or something? i thought you were a bodybuilder...

* Laertus: OH MY GOD I JUST REALIZED when it rains the recycling bins get WASHED!!! no more DECADES OF GRIME AND GUNK on the edges of the recycling bin, all the corner goo has been CLEANED. it especially helped that the lovely garbage men lifted the covers open so ALL THE RAIN entered and gave the inside of the bin a good SCRUBBING!!!

* Doryce: my middle finger is bandaged, i can't type anymore...

* Doryce: also, because my middle finger is damaged i can't carry the heavy 40-pound bag of kitty litter for our precious cat familiars.

Greykid: ain't no thing, mama, we can hold it for three days.

Gladyce: we damaged our spell fingers SCRAPING all the cat-poo gunk off the litter box. we did it with love.

Doryce: and also cos we didn't have a scraper tool. we used our fingernails as human well witch scrapers. now we don't have fingernails. just bleeding gums on our nailbeds. also because my midlde finger is so sensitive i can't go poo properly, when i wipe my old tight witch-butt i hold the tissue gingerly so my hand is full of caca now.

* Gladyce: btw, is the kitty litter at Petco actual cat litter or beach sand?...

* Roger Federer: that kid on his bicycle at the end of each Welcome Back, Kotter episode's end credits, you think he is holding an umbrella but it's really my first tennis racquet...

* John Travolta: did you see me at the end of the Hotsy Totsy stripper episode? i start dancing EXACTLY like Saturday Night Fever, i had a premonition...

Stu: omg Hotsy Totsy became a stripper, that happened to me IN REAL LIFE with one of my classmates!!! i saw her on stage at a strip bar, there are no winners in that scenario. read about it at my blog. a reverend's daughter drops out of school at 17 and has a baby and has to support said baby by being a stripper, that's real life.

Debralee Scott: i do the stripping where i don't have to take my clothes off, only shoot a gun.

* Hotsy Totsy: i wore a cheerleader uniform to show how hot Hotsy was but i didn't show my chest, i only showed my legs. life is an adventure but.........this wouldn't have happened if i had stayed on until Season 4 and seen that sex-ed reel...

Debralee Scott: Hotsy Totsy Scottsy. back then, rape was covered up as a teenage pregnancy, i witnessed those Hollywood parties in the '70s backstage. the first time you saw me was Match Game.

Laertus's dad: Police Academy...

Debralee Scott: doing Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman scrambled my brain, i was never the same after that, my heart had to compensate...

* Horshack: not Horseshit. i was the child of the group? the naive innocent one? no i was the smartest one and thus the most EMPATHETIC one. don't make fun of me. Sweathogs is a disgusting name. that laugh of mine was imitating dying of lung cancer. everybody at St. Cyril's always did the OO-OO raising their hand. i saved a girl from killing herself, suicide off the ledge of the school Claude-style, and i ended up marrying her, in the '70s it was ROMANTIC TO ACTUALLY MARRY YOUR HIGH-SCHOOL SWEETHEART. just goes to show, save a girl from ending it all, gain a wife.

* Epstein: did i ever use the disease Epstein-Barr as an excuse in one of my Signed, Epstein's Mother sick notes?

Boom Boom Washington: boom-boom does not denote sex, i was the first air-guitarist...

* Beau: i came over 4th Season cos everyone was sick of the Italian Stallion stereotype AND of Travolta. i came on board from New Orleans to attract the Southern demographic of the nation, ratings were sagging and nobody in the South could relate to this innercity school life in New York City. didn't work, show got canned.

John Travolta: Dozens means donuts.

* Marcia Strassman: i come from good Nebraska stock.........skinny stock. what the hell am i doing schlepping it with these schlubs? i'm too refined, i have too erudite a speaking voice to be here, i should be a professor of anthropology at the University of Nebraska...huskers not huskies...corn not porn...

* Gabe Kaplan: what happened to me? i was EVERYTHING in the '70s, i was saving the republic with my pornstache, Groucho Marx, and corny jokes.

Marcia Strassman: that's why i married you, the corn.

John Travolta: and rhymed jokes. ranking is insulting with class.

Gabe Kaplan: what was that weird thing with the 4th season. i was unhappy with the MONEY i was getting, seriously? i had the opportunity to PUT MY DREAM ON SCREEN and i'm quibbling about salary? i should work for nothing to realize my dream, dreams have nothing to do with money. a dream is a TV screen with your sheen.

* Gabe Kaplan: the '70s were a pivotal point in the country, and life in New York City in the '70s was as gritty and real as it got. we were talking about hoods, gangs, and detention instead of death. Sesame Street came out of this same '70s NYC milieu and had to steer the kids RIGHT WITH LOVE. Saturday Night Live in 1975 NYC taught the kids who were becoming adults to be counterculture against Nixon.

Laertus's dad: those studio audiences you had tho, they were hootin' and hollerin' and commentatin' on each line of the script live on-air the whole way through. were they on SNL acid? what's with the whole turning your life to POKER of all things?

Gabe Kaplan: no heavy lifting, i was a failed basketball star. my mother was not proud of me for Welcome Back, Kotter. theme song by The Lovin' Spoonful. no, my mom wanted me to get out of the remedial class and become a teacher...

* Family Matters braces

Reginald VelJohnson TV Dad: you know your house is a sitcom when you don't see any walls anywhere...

* Reginald VelJohnson: i could have afforded Lisa Simpson's braces if i had lived in Beverly Hills...

* Bee Gees: WELL the Bee Gee family went to the well one too may times and it cost us all our brothers.

* man: how long is this pillow commercial?

wife: 2 minutes.

*sees the MyPillow guy, leaves*

* Starry: we'll never be Sprite but this is funny. 

Keke Palmer: i'm pregnant, don't tell my baby daddy that i hooked up with Water Man...

* Michael Jordan: Republicans buy sneakers, too. so do girls...

* Taco Bell: we don't actually invent NEW FOOD, it's just all our old food packaged differently. the Cantina Taco is our taco in a shell made of Special K cereal...

* GEICO Inspector Gadget undercover agent

spy in trash can: i didn't think young people used a trash can anymore.........it's not fair, i do all the work while you sit back in the van getting Chinese food all over your chest.

* Sue Bird: and how many rings did you win for your alma mater, Steph?

Steph Curry: people don't care about college basketball anymore after Coach K left...

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happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: DoorDash for Taco Bell is cool but it still doesn't have David Letterman working the Taco Bell window...