CHROMEBOOK CITY: CRAZY EPISODE OF THREE'S A CROWD

 

 

i enter the world. in this city you can do that. i enter the chat, i enter the dialogue, the conversation, i enter the world of the Three's a Crowd episode i wrote myself:

the first thing i notice are the sets of course.

me: i loved your sets, so '80s, so cheap.

Jack Tripper: not a lot of money back in the day. if we needed a "bank" or a "police station" or an "inside an airplane" or a "beach with palm trees in Mexico" it was all the same one brown room made of four brown walls.

Wes Anderson: that makes my heart flutter. each episode was a delightful one-act Neil Simon play. this is the perfect show to do a stage production of off-off-Broadway.

me: i want to live inside an '80s sitcom forever. i want my problems evenly solved at the end of it within the 22-minute window. 

E.Z. Taylor: one set they never did was me actually surfing, they never filmed that. just my dirty van where i fucked a different beach bimbo every night.

Mary Cadorette: it was going to be in Season 2, i promise.

Jack Tripper: the closest we came was a room full of sand...

E.Z.: we said "bitch" live on air, that was revolutionary for 1985. of course we were referring to a female dog not a person.

Jack: we couldn't say "shit on a shingle," the foghorn had to bellow it out.

me: i always loved how you closed out every episode, Jack is trying to explain to Vicky what happened, we don't hear his words of course, just Jack's histrionics explaining it as the live studio audience claps and we fade to black. 

me: we descend on Jack's Bistro. it's a happening scene. inside the restaurant. the kitchen with the swinging door with the Navy portal-window. i look around.

me: have you seen Jen R.? have you seen Jennifer? i am lost without her. life doesn't mean anything anymore, she was my go-to for EVERYTHING. talking with her everyday was my therapy, it made me feel that everything was gonna be okay, she was the ONLY ONE who could do that for me. she was my anchor, i am rudderless again.

Jack: i get that reference.

me: so have you seen her? i only ask cos you're good with girls. you had two before, right?

Jack: we don't talk about Three's Company here, lawsuit...

Larry Dallas: well only when i came over for that episode. i also did an episode of The Ropers, i'm always available to do guest spots, i get around cos i'm a used-car salesman, i have a car you see, i can drive to places.

Jack: haven't seen her. three's a crowd now, now that i'm with Vicky.

Vicki from Small Wonder: ...

me: maybe Jen'll come into the bistro one day for some coq au vin, sauteed potatoes, and broccoli with Hollandaise sauce. also known as Dutch sauce which is me. and i'll see her again, i'll behold her visage from over a menu at the countertop as she's sitting at the corner table by the brown shag rug. and i'll see those haunting eyes of hers again, they will draw me into her body like a magnet, where i'll hug her, i'll feel the soft cottony fabric of her pink grandma sweater with the one cute GIANT BUTTON ON TOP. grandma button, you know she got that antiquing in Brooklyn. i hug her tight, squeeze her, fraying her pink grandma sweater, never let her go. tell her how i really feel. WHAT SHE MEANS TO ME.

Jack: Super Bowl? yeah is that what you were thinking about last night? remember when i interrupted that brass four-piece concert cos i was listening to the Raiders game on the radio? and then later Vicky and i made out vigorously in the audience causing another distraction. that was the only Three's a Crowd episode which was LAUGH OUT LOUD FUNNY.

me: it's painfully ironic i'll never see her again cos i used to sleep in libraries at Berkeley. there's something about Patricks and Jennifers. the name Patrick and the name Jennifer is connected for me. in a cosmic way. on a star chart. on a vision board. forever connected in a constellation. i am destined to meet another Jennifer...

Mr. Bradford: Jack, did you look over the bill of sale i gave you? i'm trusting you, i'm making this huge investment in the bistro's purple sprinkler system which shoots out neon water because of Victoria, not you!!! i always call her Victoria, not Vicky.

Jack: don't worry, James, your daughter is safe with me when we have illicit sex not sanctioned by the Catholic Church. have you seen E.Z.?

Vicky: haven't seen him since last night. in his bed in a blue Hawaiian shirt in the van. my nickname for him is E.T.........DON'T ORDER THE TROUT!!! i'm protecting those poor fish in the aquarium tank over there so they don't get eaten, they have cute puffy lips and i've given them names. on top of my adorable face i'm an environmentalist as well, i'm conscious of my surroundings. that's my claim to fame. i'm a stewardess for the money but i hate the airlines. why aren't all airplanes electric yet? it's 1985 for fuck sake!!! 

Jack: E.Z. got the wrong idea, it was a misunderstanding, i wasn't hitting on his special girl.........oh no i think E.Z. Taylor killed himself.

the audience doesn't know what to do, it was about to go all in on the canned laughter again.........but it takes an awkward pause. silent for 30 minutes as they anticipate a Very Special Episode.

Mr. Bradford: I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT SADSACK SURFER LET'S GET BACK TO THE SPRINKLERS!!!

Jack, face agog: Mr. Bradford, ladies and gentlemen, my goddamn father-in-law. the man who's a constant pus-filled wart growing on the surface of my ass.

another pause of silence.

E.Z.: come on, fam, i'd never do that, i'm a surfer, whatever hardships get thrown at me i take it all in stride, i go with the flow. i float on it like a wave. remember this was SMACK DAB in the middle of 1985, when Valley Girls and surfer dudes roamed and reigned. so of course i needed to be a surfer who looked like Sean Penn from Fast Times at Ridgemont High with a weird laugh. it's true i got lost out to sea once but that was because i hit my head on the rocks going for a board curl and forgot my life. my life of tranquility and sea spirituality. that's how i got my voice. and why my hair curled from fear. but i am also a chef on the level of Gordon Ramsay. that just doesn't make sense, for me to be a surfer AND a chef...

Mr. Bradford: look, i just don't want to pay alimony to my ex-wife anymore, okay? luckily i had Malory Archer before she became head of a spy agency so she's a bitch but a bitch i can still handle. she doesn't have a gun yet.

Malory Archer: the back and forth between us, we were the '80s Honeymooners.

me: is it 6:30 yet?

Jack: waiting for dinner?

me: no you see 6:30 PM was always when Jen R. would start to text me and the long chain would begin of topics ranging from church to cartoons to crisis. that's when i knew the fun would begin for the day, when those notifications on my phone started popping up and flying around. i still hold out hope she'll return cos i see her picture on that wallpapered wall over there...

Jack: well that sucks but at least you got a cool Chromebook computer, the Intriguing Intercom.

me: what? it can't be worse than your cooking.

Jack: that's what i'm calling it. remember the intercom on our show? between the kitchen and the bedroom. intercoms were new and cool in 1985.

me: what? oh yeah whatever i'm not paying attention. the one good thing about this my Chromebook here is that it's easily opened, you know? you don't have to go through the rigmarole of plugging in TWO cords and waiting for the hot spot to warm up for 30 minutes, waiting for that screensaver screen to load in another 30 minutes. no, BOOM, your wifi is there and you can START TYPING INSTANTLY.

me: and another thing.........where'd Jack go? oh yeah well, the Spam Blocker, you know?

Lucio Rossi: yeah.

me: i feel so POWERFUL having that button now. before i'd have to endure those long hours of ongoing incessant ringing ringing RINGING of the spam calls, now i can SHOOT IT AWAY pushing a button. the power is now under my thumb, that Q*BERT POP when the call gets blocked and added to the list, so satisfying. i feel i'm in control of my life again, i'm not letting life just happen to me.

Lucio: yeah the thing is tho that that list is useless. you've added like 30 of those phone numbers, right? but the phone company has a BILLION other numbers it can use to reach your residence...

Doryce: what are you gonna do THIS morning, dear?

Gladyce: i was thinking of doing the jumping jacks in 50 spurts, only two of them.

Doryce: TWO sets of 50 jacks? that's madness, dear!!! you can't do that, your bones will crack into dust.

Gladyce: i did one set of 50 already, dear. and i'm thinking i can pull off ONE SET of 100.

Doryce: madness, dear!!! your bones will literally BECOME DUST and fly into Heaven. and i'll never see you again which will make me ETERNALLY SAD AND DISCOURAGED.

Head & Shoulders shampoo: the dandruff flakes look like shaved Parmesan cheese...

Tasso Elba: when you're the coxswain for the polo team...

Mr. T: my favorite episode? of my cartoon? the Monterey Bay episode of course!!! moral lesson of the day: never fall in love with a stuntman...

wildlife crossing: all malls need this.

Ryan Phillippe: of COURSE i'm an Eagles fan!!! of COURSE i'm a Phillies fan!!! look at my last name!!!

V plate: chastity belt

Dirg: it's 2 AM on an early Sunday morning, can't sleep, i'm watching an episode of Law & Order: SVU from 2004.........THIS is what depression looks like.

Mardith: and insomnia. depression IS insomnia. and insomnia IS depression.

Doryce: Sugarcreek, when your sugar daddy slides you a line of coke down your buttcrack...

John Cleese: fish ladder? that's where we keep Wanda now in 2023...

Lock Haven: we're not in Pennsylvania, we're in an English forest of gnomes...

on the Three's a Crowd set at the wrap party:

Chico Marx: you know, i really want to fuck you.

Tallulah Bankhead: and so you shall, you old-fashioned boy.

Chico: so like.........are we really gonna have sex now?

Tallulah: no of course not, you silly boy, we just MET for fuck sake!!!

Dick Cavett: do I get any credit for this here?.........you know Old Hollywood was the closest we ever came to experiencing the Roman Empire in our lifetimes.

Terry Bradshaw: what? i'll have the cheeseburger, too, i'll eat it with Andy Reid. but i warn you, i don't have any money, someone won all my money. 

Andy Reid: ...

Terry: where should we go?

Capp: McDonald's...

confirmed kill: don't do it for the medals, do it to save humanity.

Ocean Hellman: no i am not mayonnaise. i'm that hippie girl with the SUPER LONG NAME...

me: i love Oceanside so much. your fictional town of Oceanside, California. i want to live here forever.

Vicky Bradford: and so you shall, you 1980s boy. i mean why not?

me: i love the oil painting in the background of Oceanside. it's a Shangri-la. the rainbow lights the beach, all the shops and bistros along the shore, all that good ocean for surfing, the lanes and lanes of highway on the right side but who would want to leave?

Vicky: you know what my one regret was? that Jack and i never got married, the show didn't last long enough. the thing is i really DID INTEND to marry Jack, i wanted to badly. i was going to, i swear. i didn't want to live with Jack FOREVER.

me: and so you shall, you good girl. but that's the thing, Three's a Crowd gave a troubled boy like me hope. see you and Jack as a couple, as a twosome, are stuck in time, literally stuck in the '80s, stuck in this beautiful glass crystal chrysalis. your story never ended.

Jack Tripper: yeah, think about it, the last time you ever see Jack Tripper is in 1985...

me: yeah that's the thing, i WANT you two to be FOREVER. i want you to be happy, you guys don't break up as far as we know, you're STILL in Oceanside in 2023, a couple.........living together. a chef and a stewardess.

Jack and Vicky: ...

me: i'll write that Wedding Episode for you guys, the first episode of Season 2 of course. it'll happen, you two will FINALLY tie the knot!!! Jen R., she was the only one i wrote stories for in the first place, SHE was the only audience i cared about. i wrote all my stories for HER reaction. each day when i wake up and look to survive, who am i gonna play with now? who will be my playing partner in life?