Phil Knight barefoot: kids, learn from me. i don't selfie everything, no record-button, i LIVE THE MOMENT and trust my eyes and mind later. it takes a special kind of person to be able to pull that off these days. social media is for suckers. oh, and Pablo Torre is SO COOL.
me: i know, right? i love his style. his erudition, his vocabulary gourd. he went to the best colleges and wisecracks with the best of them, especially Tony K. and can take a joke and is a self-admitted nerd.........sports nerd. and he has a family. i envy him, i wish i had a family.
Capp: the thing is, how long do you wait? the girl can wait another 20 years, she's young. YOU on the other hand have 2 more years to live. i mean, can't SHE MAKE THE FIRST MOVE FOR ONCE?!!!
Tony Kornheiser: i am your soft-spoken lowly grandfather who went to Princeton in the 1890s.
William Hurt: i'm no Packer but i did do a dark retreat in Altered States. lots of mud packed on to make the roof of the spirit hut. the crew played a prank on me since this was my first movie. haze the rookie, they switched out my cup of native Mexican Indian mud for ayahuasca. i thought i was drinking a melted mud pie but at that moment I SAW MY DEATH. that's when i knew i was gonna die early...
Doryce: girl, Barbra Streisand, you go girl, i'd do THE EXACT SAME THING with Robert Redford in The Way We Were...
gullywasher: no longer songle...
five foot curls: waves, not foot curls
Lance Armstrong: i do itasha now.........what, it's not a cringe painmobile, i do itachari the bicycle art...
Lance Armstrong: hey at least i'm not a cop on a bicycle, that's just silly and stupid-looking.
Disco Sally: follow me, crones, i know where all the late-night club action is. and the location of all the orange juice.
John Travolta: ...
Gladyce: i only drink apple juice, dear.
Doryce: Crisco Disco sounds so naughty and lathery!!!
the crones at the DMV.
Gladyce: i don't know how to work these highfalutin computer screens!!! i don't do computer stuff!!! let's return to PAPER STUFF!!!
Doryce: i'll help you, dear. as i sit on this chair, my back is killing me cos i walk with a cane in my back. remember, the button isn't pushed unless you push it with a pencil eraser. THERE, you got your Real ID card, you can enter an army base by flying your broom through. but you can't vote, i deregistered you from voting, you can't vote now, that whole voting thing was too complicated.
Gladyce: thank you, dear.
the crones at 5AM jumping jacks.
Doryce: too early, dear. even the woodpecker hummingbird is sleeping.
the crones at Pizza Hut.
Doryce: WHERE'S THE GODDAMN PIZZA HUT IN MARINA?!!!
The Noid: INSIDE the Taco Bell. there's no Pizza Hut signage, just the Taco Bell sign.
Gladyce: is this really New York pizza? don't try to fool the granny, sonny. i've lived in New York.........37 times.
Doryce: it tastes like a Pizza Hut pizza with a better crust and more pepperoni.
The Noid: isn't it weird to eat a pizza at 10AM? it's not quite lunch but it's after breakfast.
Eye Luggage: Up the Academy and go.
Robert Downey Sr.: this is ONE OF THE WORST FUCKING THINGS IN HISTORY.
Robert Downey Jr.: i know, right? tell me about it. i'm ashamed that i was in it. that's me in the soccer scene. i am EMBARRASSED of you, pops, that you directed this, and the entire family. but it was the only way we could get the money so i could buy my Nintendo NES Entertainment System greybox that year.
William Gaines: MAD Magazine disowned ourselves from this movie. we got a red cent in exchange and it was worth it.
Ron Leibman: I KNOW ME TOO!!! this character Major Vaughn Liceman is THE VILEST CHARACTER IN HISTORY, a cinematic crime, he's worse than Dracula, Frankenstein, the Mummy, and Dahmer combined. i mean i played the gay angel in Angels in America, i'm a mild-mannered man, i don't want to be forever stained with the legacy of being known for this troglodyte who rapes then lusts, racebaits then preens, sodomizes then censures, bullies then backs off, and is comfortably confidence about it all. isn't that the very essence of a sociopath? this man has a WARPED sense of friendship. Alice wouldn't serve me at the diner for a long time. i am understandably universally-acclaimed for being uncredited. you know privates have told me in private that they all want to murder their drill sergeants. i mean i was the cartoon husband of Malory Archer on Archer, i want to be known for being that silly disco kook, not THIS GUY!!!
Stacey Nelkin: i give good neck. i do a lot of necking and i do it good. i BANKED MY ENTIRE CAREER on THIS MOVIE, it's true, i gave up roles to play the "star" of this film hoping it would catapult me to fame and fortune like a Meatballs or an Animal House. if i hadn't done this movie i would have been acting opposite Harrison Ford in Blade Runner.........*Replicant sigh*.
Harry Teinowitz: i am painfully obviously trying to be the John Belushi of this godawful movie. the movie that comes AFTER the hit trying to bank is always bad. Animal House For Kids this was NOT. Ververgaert? really? Ververgaert?
The Verve Pipe: ...
Tom Poston: Sisson, get it? cos i'm the sissy.
Barbara Bach: sigh, i got two large howitzers. that i use as teaching tools for my students in class. and as my tits.
Leonard Frey: Keck? come on.
Dirg: i liked the '80s. Reagan was in charge and there was no political correctness. people hung out and had fun joking around with each other, you know?
Alfred E. Neuman: that is one CREEPY Alfred E. Neuman mask. YOU be rubber i'll be glue!!! i know i have an inherently freaky face but i got Texas Chainsaw Massacre vibes going on here.
Ralph Macchio: my name is Chooch? like the Van Nuys Blvd. guy? this was my first movie as you can see, the director told me to lay on a THICK THICK THICK New York accent THICK. i wanted a long career in the business so i said AYE!!!
Chooch's father and bodyguards: it's shape up or ship out, son. it's the '80s now, that's what we do, we send our children to military school and forget about them.
Chooch: but i did learn my lesson. from Mr. Miyagi.
dad: he's the competition, son, don't count, he's Toyota.
Chooch: i could karate-chop your entire mob army any time i want to, you know that, right dad? i'm going to this academy VOLUNTARILY.
Wienberg: not Weinstein
Ike: my dad is a faith-healer, that's how he gets laid. he's an atheist at night. i miss my mom. but i do like all the stepmoms dad has brought home to meet me, they're all so sexy and so strangely into me!!!
Hash: it's the '80s, man, what can i say? i am Full '80s Arab, we were the enemy back then, what are you gonna do. and yes, hash has a double meaning, i do in fact sell marijuana as i'm supposed to. i have a nice calming English voice to my accent.
Oliver: can i fuck Stacey Nelkin while she's at that perfect age?
dad.gov: please sir i want some more. i mean sure go ahead, that won't interfere with my reelection campaign, there's no Twitter yet, all affairs are still secret, the public has no idea what's going on behind closed doors.
old old old old generalisimo: the Patton American flag, get it? i don't get the reference. and i'm so old i was at that actual war.
Liceman: that's not a foreboding wind you're feeling, that's my foreboding fart. i'm no mophead. hello, boys, i am Horschack from Welcome Back, Kotter.
Liceman: unfortunate name as i shampoo my hair every day. this is me AFTER i went to this military academy to straighten up!!!
Liceman: please kindly repeat everything i say THREE TIMES. three's a magic number you know.
Butch Academy: yep, we went there.
boy recruits: when do we see our parents again?
girl recruits: only on Parents' Night. this is basically college for kids.
Alfred E. Neuman: the pigeon is pooing on my shoulder. my helmet didn't protect me. i turned grey from envy. then i move my pewter arms and legs back and forth and do a dance with Bert!!!
Hash: get it? i'm at a gas pump. cos i'm the oil boy. how much? is this pay-station or free?
redneck: let me calculate the math by spitting on the ground and abacusing the numbers in the dirt.
Hash: you mean sand.
redneck: how much for a family affair?
Ike: why the black guy gotta be the only one riding on the hood of the classic car? i hate being named after a white President.
Liceman: these photos are incriminating but there's no risk if they don't reach a newspaper. you can get out of this, boy, if you let me rape your girlfriend. putting out, that's what you '80s kids call it now, right?
recruits: we're club kids, sir.
Liceman: gays all around in the '80s.
Liceman throws his book of I Ching out of his locked desk drawer before anyone sees...
Rodney: i was the mole. what can i say? i can't play pool.
Bliss: isn't it sketchy how i'm coming on to a young boy?
Ike: no need to worry, Madame Teacher, you're a hot woman so it's natural.
Bliss: my illegally young students. what's the trajectory for a war blimp?
Ike: that physics only works in Batman.
Bliss: sigh, my breasts are battle blimps. i've tried to teach you youngsters gun safety.
Ike: by rubbing the guns with polish, yeah, i don't know...
Liceman: Big Band music is the best!!! oh you can't blame my sexual proclivities uh pervert passions, i have Latino running in my blood like Desi Arnaz!!!
Liceman: i'm not wearing a dress, not technically, this was all done within the rules of BDSM.
Liceman: damn that Kodak and that instant camera he invented just before suiciding himself. it's not blackmail, not technically, if the pictures don't reach a newspaper. ain't the '80s grand?
Liceman: soccer? what's soccer?
Liceman: oh soccer, right, we'll play clean, no pushing, no shoving, no flopping.
Rodney: i rocketed my commanding officer's quarters, does that count as an official kill?
Liceman: oh great the movie's ending with the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind loop again...
Alfred E. Neuman: i stand there with my hitchhiking thumb, not saying a word, only speaking in balloons, it's creepy...
Eye Luggage: the ONLY REASON to look this movie up at some obscure cam-grab site is for THE SOUNDTRACK!!!
Laertus: yaaaaass. that smooth '70s rock. Smooth Seventies. 8-Track Rock.
Capp: i see her everywhere. now that she's left. magic mama, mama magic, Benihana cute hatness. i see her on every episode of Seinfeld, on every episode of Three's a Crowd. every episode of Bewitched especially. all the '80s TV show intros and '90s torch songs i put up. i see her on graffiti walls and paint profiles. eating New York pizza at Baltimore museums. in every song and music video and meme i post. i don't care about others' online responses, i only care about HER response, HER opinion. she was the only one who made this place fun. she was the only reason i was there. the Woodstock, the Beatles, the willingness to play. to be silly, to initiate, to respond, to engage. the peace, the love, the split slit heels. her sexy shrug. the 9/11 which never goes away. Bjork by the ocean. she's not related to Melissa Maker but she is. and those EYES of hers, those haunting eyes of hidden pain. leave a pin in it. understanding women don't grow on trees. can you get drunk on Gummiberry Juice? g'night folks.