Friday, February 3, 2023



* Isaac Newton Van Nuys: i made your home.
me: so? come on, no WAY that's your real name.
Isaac Newton Van Nuys: the apple guy was named after ME!!! look at the grimoire in my hand there, that's the source of all black magic.
me: tracks, Van Nuys is a magical place. especially the train tracks. it's not a home to me, it's a sanctuary from reality. it's not a place, it's an area outside of time and space. it's here i flee in my romper to watch Romper Room and Land of the Lost and play Intellivision on a sunshine carpet.
Jenny Drugan: i look EXACTLY like that Wonder Years chick.
Isaac Newton Van Nuys: that's not my gravestone, that's the size of my actual penis.

* Gladyce: when i do my jumping jacks out on the cobblestone in the morning in my lotus-flower socks, i make sure not to get them stuck in the grooves of the cobblestone hexagons.
Doryce: you are one groovy chick, dear. hexagrams are okay for us.

* me in my trenchcoat: the neon waft emanating from the garlic glow of the Bagel Bakery hits my detective nose like the noir smoke from an alleyway in the morning.

* Jack Tripper: hey cutie, wanna join me for my morning jumping jacks?
Gladyce: oh my.
Gina Lollobrigida mounting a Vespa: i HAD him first.
Gladyce: you do jumping jacks in the morning, too?
Jack Tripper: of course, i did jumping jacks every morning when i was in the Navy on a tiny tugboat in nothing but my tighty-whitie Hanes underwear. the jumping jack is named after me, Jumping Jack Tripper.

* Claudine Pepin: don't hate me because i'm a nepo baby, hate me because i'm the only woman to achieve LUXURIOUS RED HAIR. i make ginger look GOOD!!!
Michelle Pfeiffer: you're a Kitten? HA!!! met the Cat!!! meow.

* Canadian goodbye: it's sweet.
Melissa Maker: like maple syrup.

* John McEnroe: my car? the Subaru Brat.

* menta: a smart color. the color of Don Flamenco's boxing gloves.........the second time.

* Mireille from French in Action: DON'T TOUCH MY CHIGNON!!!

* night school: it's creepy, but it's necessary.

* Vicky Bradford: that is such a soap opera name.

* Brando: Reflections in a Golden Eye? yeah that's when we all sit around in a drum circle jerk reminiscing how the video game GoldenEye turned out to be the essential warm sleepover of the '90s.
Lucio Rossi: hello fellow Italian mob boss. the year was 1997. 007 in 1997. James Bond was cool again. this was the only thing anyone remembers from the Nintendo 64.
Dr. Mario: N64, the vaccine.

* Cat's Eye: we're Charlie's Angels in anime form.
Takahashi: the only thing better than '80s anime is '70s anime.

* Chris Hardwick: i used to host the meat market that was Singled Out on MTV. 
Jenny McCarthy: that show made me cry along Santa Monica Boulevard.
Chris Hardwick: so after that insane rowdy-crowd experience i learned i was claustrophobic. if i was born by God to be a game-show host i wanted to do a show where i made a difference in people's lives. so i hosted LeBron James's feelgood game show with the big maze and Indiana Jones boulder ball. lay off my name i've heard them all.

* Karlen: not a Karen

* Michael Weiss: Instagram, the only place where going into someone's Stories and leaving comments every day is considered being an attentive friend, not stalking.

* Ferrero Rocher: LaBrae? suddenly this is the set of a Twlight music video...

* Snapchat: maybe if we all saw the world like a junkie, if we were all permanently stoned and high, we'd get along better. you can't hate someone with a dog face. this isn't a bomb shelter, it's your imagination zone. the floor is beans: Gen Z for the floor is lava.

* Sosie Bacon: my dad went EV before it was cool.
Kevin Bacon: Quicksilver-brand bicycle in fact.
Sosie: our car runs on the fuel of bacon cinnamon buns.

* Volkswagen Atlas two extra seats: remember when you saw the Before Midnight twins in the back seat and you knew your world was gonna be okay...

* Best Buy
man: i want to be muscular like these men, my idol growing up was The Incredible Hulk.
wife: really?
man: i'm just saying that cos that Knock at the Cabin trailer is dark as fuck.

* Progressive with beloved TV Dad
Reginald VelJohnson: you'll understand when you're older.
Rubikon: but it IS a competition. whenever i see that man in a sweater i get very uncomfortable.

* GEICO Buffalo wings: i had no idea Dennis Quaid was the dude in the blue hat!!!

* Johnny Rotten: surprise, i'm Irish.
Barry Manilow: bow before me, you old bastard. what's with the total repudiation of all of your rebellious-youth beliefs? you're a card-carrying member of the Margaret Thatcher Party now!!! this is how my hair looks BEFORE a haircut not after. you've become a typical stodgy fart-man in your old age.

happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: you know what i'm gonna say, MEXICAN CHICKEN SANDWICH FROM BURGER KING!!! the first NEW SANDWICH in 30 years!!! queso and jalapeno? que exotica.
Mia Kirshner: but why did I have to give the Canadian goodbye?
me: but will the RAIN cooperate? jumping jacks in the rain is spiritual but driving in the rain sucks. then again, having the car back at all is a blessing...


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