* did you know Discord's original name was Hygge?...
* David Spade: British people must fart a lot.........cos they eat a lot of beans.
* Jen Carfagno, sneezing on the Weather Channel set: my tits are such that a man WOULD walk across the country TWICE barefoot in the snow because he left the car keys at the house...
* crones at CVS.
Gladyce: Cinnabon Miralax, YES!!! THIS is what we old folk have been BEGGING for for years!!!
Doryce: hey those Food Flirts on PBS, the Brass Sisters, they should play US in the movie!!!
* Spelman College: we're not called Cosby College anymore...
Gladyce: better to be called Crone College, dear, this is the home of learning new spells.
* Gladyce: when i do my jumping jacks i always start in and i have to take a deep in-and-out-breath on the "3" count.
Doryce: that's normal, dear, and that's magical. 3 is a magic number for us witches.
Gladyce: i make sure i do my jumping jacks in the NARROWEST slimmest alley in our Treehouse backyard i can squeeze in to avoid the most number of PRYING EYES in all directions.
Christian Bale: when i do my jumping jacks, everybody thinks i'm a serial killer. i'm actually training for the ROTC...
Jack Tripper: ...
* a man in a Cookie Monster costume was seen walking up and down the Santa Cruz Pier harassing bikini'd beachgoers.........: this is my future.
* Dirg: when people continuously SEE all the stuff you DM them on Instagram without you having to watch THEIR Instagram Stories, THAT is power...
* Paul Rudd in Ant-Man suit: i can't play serious, nobody believes me as a serious guy, i'm the jokester, i'm the goofball who's dancing those weird Tim & Eric dances.
* Wendy's seminar.
teacher: i've drawn the Wendy's food like Rembrandt not Picasso on this chalkboard, do you understand?
woman worker: Professor Willy? that sounds weird. i'm getting Princeton flashbacks.
man worker: is that lettuce or pot?
robust employee: and THAT's class.
Willy: SIT DOWN. want me to get Key & Peele substitute teacher on your ass?
* me: don't rub it in my face, Pizza Hut, i SORTA made my own New Yorker.........i took two HALF-WHEAT English muffins, put Parmesan cheese on there, some of those CUP pepperonis you can get in a bag now from Hormel, sweet sausage sauce, dollop of pepper to taste, a minute in the microwave and VOILA!!! that is some GOOD PIZZA!!!
* Simon Cowell: ELECTRC UNICYCLE?!!! what boneheaded thing will they think of next?!!! Liberty Mutual, i'm suing you for infringement. can't the world learn from me and my electric bicycle? there is no POINT to an electric bicycle, just walk faster!!!
Bree Sharp: i have that name you think you know but you have no idea who i am. i'm the gal who did that song "David Duchovny," remember? in celebration of Season 36 of The X-Files.
dad in red speedo: if it's good enough for Duchovny on Californication, it's good enough for me. middle-aged men NEED to wear thongs to feel good.
David Duchovny: i do like that wink at the end tho. why didn't Gillian Anderson ever do an episode of Outer Limits?...
* Amy Schumer for Google: i wish they had allowed me to show my REAL ex-boyfriends in this ad...
* Greykid Mlem and Blep the cat familars: we admit it, we CRIED at the "Saving Sawyer" Amazon ad. don't leave a dog looking out the window on a rainy day. all dogs need to be in 3s or they will develop crippling anxiety.
* Dave Grohl for Crown Royal: Canada invented EVERYTHING. even football. and Melissa Maker. why am i hyping Canada? i'm a Slovak.........oh yeah i forgot, i ferried Kurt Cobain over to Canada crossed the border under cover of night the day of his "suicide"........Kurt Cobain is still alive and living comfortably in Canada sporting a long grey monk beard...
* cats: The Farmer's Dog commercial. AGAIN?!!! CRYING AGAIN?!!! there is nothing more SPECIAL than when you can live with the same pet YOUR WHOLE LIFE. you lose touch for a few years to fuck and get married but your childhood pet becomes your FAMILY PET as an adult, that is magic. all dogs are magic, they can see backwards...
* Bradley Cooper: are you sure you're my mom, mom? you're a TERRIBLE ACTRESS.
Bradley Cooper's mom: you haven't won an Oscar, son, mamma didn't raise no quitter.
* Michelob Caddyshack.
Tony Romo: be honest, you had no idea it was ME as Bill Murray.
Bull Murray: i wanted to reprise this role but the world hates me.
Ted Knight: this would have been better if it was ME doing that scene again, if i had come back from the dead to do this commercial. it's possible, remember, i draw a comic strip about a magic space cow...
* Hold Music.
Miles Teller: the hold music on the phone is a banger.
Keleigh Sperry: as your wife i must inform you never to call 21 Century Insurance, auto or home, they make you wait for 2 WEEKS without water and NO Hold Music that's a Vaporwave bop.
* Laertus's dad: okay thank you Super Bowl, i now know what a binky is, i thought it was a blanket but it's a sucker.
Phoenix: are you sure you've had kids?
* He Gets Us.
Jesus: i'm listed in the credits as an actor, it says Actors: Jesus Christ.
Men Without Hats: we're not Men at Work, that other band. and i know we sound Australian but we're another masterpiece from Canada.
* Paramount Mountain
Star Trek guy: remember when Star Trek: Enterprise premiered two weeks after 9/11?...
Sylvester Stallone: remember that movie where i climbed a lot of mountains? and there was a lot of rays of the sun between? you only remember it cos Janine Turner was in it.
* Poker Face Peacock ad.
Natasha Lyonne: yeah the M&Ms never broke up, that was a marketing ploy. you think a bunch of talking candies with feet are gonna bow down to the likes of Fox News? please.
Maya Rudolph: that sucks, i was counting on this campaign to get me back on the cast of SNL...
* Michael Keaton: yeah i'm playing Batman again. i've learned from George Clooney's mistakes...
* Michael Keaton: is that new Superman a boy or a girl?...
* Jane Fonda: i'm not scared of dying. are you?
Chris Wallace: ...
Chris Wallace: yes. i mean.........yes.
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: KFC. right? the new Wraps. the fermented coleslaw has me questioning my reality.