JFK: we gotta keep it on the down low, Marilyn.
Marilyn Monroe: right.
JFK: don't let a picture be taken of us together in the same room, the conspiracy theorists LOVE that stuff. always have your back turned, show your fabulous butt instead.
Marilyn: the butt with the sprinkles?
JFK: look, i know this is unfair to Jackie. Jackie O did nothing wrong. Jackie is gonna have a hard life. this is why i'm doing it THIS way. a President must keep secrets, it's the only way the world can survive. i'm a president but i'm also just a man. meet you at the Library, don't forget your library card.
Marilyn: and my milk.
at a club called Hot Fog
Takahashi: i need my In N Out burger in a bag and my Taco Bell in a box.
Naruto to a gray-green-skinned Ten Tails Obito: this Rin person, she is here RIGHT NOW watching over you!!!
Obito, crying: *heavy gasp*
Cirra and i are talking late night not at a Jack In The Box but on the bed of an empty porn soundstage. i can sense Cirra's rouge lipstick, purple cheeks, and orange freckles through the darkness.
me: i've never said the word "listen" before i've talked, before i've spoken. i know, it's weird, but it's true.
Cirra: what has you all dander-up, jefe?
me: hefe? yeast donuts? i don't respond to anything but "boy". buttboy. what do you need from me?
Cirra: i need your help. setting up my onlyFans account. i don't trust the dirtbag men we work with, i only trust YOU!!! you gotta help me with my scenes. we gotta fuck hotly on camera, both of our bodies nude and oiled and elongated side-by-side. and i'll swallow your thick load of cum full of tiny bubbles for the paywallers. this is something only FRIENDS can do!!!
me: what about your parents?
Cirra: they would not help me with this. homework, yes, but not this. i'm a secret to my family. i keep myself a secret from my family.
me: religious family? Mass family?
Cirra: big family, yes. no they're a mob family, they're not as worldly as i am.
me: i'm not thinking about that stuff now. i'm miles ahead, off far farther further in the distance. everyday i flip-flop. one day i'm determined to be a monk forever when the printer paper-jams. the next day i've cooled off and i wanna fuck again. then on set there are no more paper towels to wipe off the cum and i have to use a stack of napkins instead and i NEED to go back to the monastery on the divine double cos all the paper towels in society are the brown ones in the Golden State Warriors bathroom, the one before Steph Curry came to town. the one before BARON DAVIS came to town!!! it's gonna be like this forever, i will live in both worlds forever, never choosing one, till my brain slices evenly into two halves and plops on the lab table.
Cirra: you mean lap table. don't worry, you'll always have a home here. everyone in porn is schizophrenic, we have to be to survive, we have to compartmentalize or we'd go insane. we're just ordinary humans, people looking for love like everyone else.
Voyage Cruise Lines singing the Madonna song "Like A Virgin": like a virgin, touched for the very first time.........we mean like a Voyage, it's for all families but we're exclusively adult.
Elon Musk: Power Wall is not the power you're thinking...
Escape From Tomorrow: we weren't A24 but we have that A24 feel, that A24 vibe.
the cat familiars sense ghosts in the house, ghosts that humans can't sense, they sense Madchen.
Greykid: hey we gotta bring Madchen back, we gotta bring Madchen back to life...
Mlem and Blep: yep.
Skittles: sorry we took Lime away. or was that flavor Green Apple?
Peter Facinelli in the woods: do you talk to yourself like me? no, this doesn't mean you're a vampire, it means you're an actor.
Rami Malek: i don't win the Oscar if Wayne's World doesn't exist...
axe kick: nothing to do with itchy deodorant armpits
after shooting The Anality of Evil i take my two-weeks severance and break. and notice. i notice things. i need to forest-bathe, to flower-bathe. so i sneak back onto campus into my monk cell at the monastery when no one's looking, i have to pick the lock but it works out. just a couple of screams. the next morning i'm back in my Morning Meditations mode eating sunrise for breakfast instead of dandruff corn flakes.
me: it's like i'm in a Florida retirement community here. i'm old enough NOW to join these guys, i've sufficiently wasted enough of my life, i'm retiring age, i'm 50, i'm retiring from doing NOTHING my whole life. nothing bout thinking about what i was going to do. NOW i'm too old and tired and weak to want to go back to the real world, i don't have the will nor the stamina nor the dreams anymore.
Cirra: YOU STILL GOT THE STAMINA!!! HELP ME OUT!!!
me: is it actually possible to run away from your problems forever?
Peter Facinelli: damn, dude, that was great!!! that was a LONG talking-to-yourself.
lead singer of Dexy's Midnight Runners: i'm skinny Paul Reiser.
slow marathon on the island: for intellectuals.
JFK's second secret rendezvous with Marilyn Monroe is on his diplomatic mission around the world. to Turkey, California, Mykonos, and finally Turks and Caicos to sign the Clean Air Act.
JFK: breathe. it's gonna be okay. the air in America will NEVER be as good as it is here.
Marilyn: EVERYTHING'S SO BLUE HERE ON THE ISLANDS!!! sky and water.
JFK: ALL the shades of blue. do you like my mirrored sunglasses? my aviator shades?
Biden in a hammock supported by two palm trees sipping a green coconut larger than his head: no.
Marilyn: i've gotten sand in my vagina but every woman goes through that. i'm glad you got rid of that poll tax, i had to pay to vote as a penalty for not counting the right number of gumballs in that glass jar.
JFK: now it'll be easier for EVERYBODY to vote, which means the country will vote BLUE most of the time which means the world will not drift into insanity.
Marilyn and JFK in the hotel bed. the hotel-lobby bed.
Marilyn: the world has gone crazy. the world has gone to hell and not back from hell. but i don't care, i feel secure with my head in your arms, your college chest is my security.
JFK: this is taking me back to my dorm days. at Harvard. and Princeton for one day. what's going on outside our window? what's that racket? it's not tennis. far out. hello, hippie chick. what's the plan?
Jillian Clare: oh i'm sorry, was i disturbing you two? i'm in my one-piece not a bikini, training for the circus, on my trampoline here. yeah i get in this harness and do some acrobat shit, jumping upside-down and twirling my tushy for the trees. it beats running for exercise. i eat a lot of cake.
JFK: those are some impressive lines, young lady!!!
there's a knock at the door. the tourists have come.
JFK: what say you and me get naked on this bed and you tell me all about your dreams? i studied Freud at Harvard. and Princeton for one lecture. he's like Yoda, right? psychoanalysis is still NEW black magic at this time in history.
Melissa Maker: your eyes are turquoise like the rest of this place but i'm married.
JFK: so am i. doesn't that make it more fun?
Marilyn: honey you can still pull of a bikini. my mom wears a one-piece.
JFK and Marilyn at The Store on the islands. the chain is franchising like a motherfucker.
Marilyn: why do i have to dress like this, Jack? i call all men jack.
JFK: now that you're with me i don't want you dressing like a slut anymore. here's your hunchback and tatters, hurry up and get changed. shhhh, keep it down, i'll handle this.
they enter the store where Matt is working his usual spot at checkout.
Matt: your total comes to $470, two weeks of groceries. i'd give you the discount but i need a valid phone number. and this old lady here gave me the wrong number, she's a batty biddy, she's spacey.
JFK jumping up and down bobbing his head: HOW DARE YOU, SIR!!!!!!!!! that old lady happens to be Marilyn Monroe in drag!!! i mean disguise!!! the one who wears two-pieces everywhere. this old crone you scolded happens to be my mother. she raised me. to appreciate women. you think just cos there's more money flowing now that i eliminated the poll tax she can AFFORD this?!!! i thought we were friends, Matt, you with your salt-and-pepper hair and cool-guy '70s-New-York air to you, your cynical distinguished manner and construction-site vest and glum low voice now that you've worked here for 50 years wasting your whole life away. at Whole Foods.
Matt: i'm sorry. i hate my job. i hate my life. i just want to be Nic Cage. can we go back to talking about golf without mentioning Tiger Woods at all?
JFK: give us all the food for free and we'll call it even, i won't sic my men on you.
Abraham Bolden: i got your back, sir.
Nic Cage: holy shit you mean i'm a Jaegerist? a Yaegerist?
Laertus: the perfect title for the final episode of Attack on Titan should be:
"Will It Ever End?"
on the volcanic island Anya Taylor-Joy chews herbs in her mouth and spits them into Northman's mouth.
The Northman: sex thing?
Anya: chess move...
Cigarettes After Sex: we're the American Depeche Mode.
Jamie from the Progressive commercials playing the steelpan: i'm also in those Wendy's commercials...
Michael O'Donoghue: the reason i was so cranky all my life was because of those damn migraines...
accordion doors: Pasqually was able to squeeze through us whilst eating pizza.
vision plan: it's not a Vision Board, it's eye-care insurance.
Dirg: hey buddy, blurring pictures of porn and putting it in an oil-painting frame is not "art".
Bart Simpson and that naked crazy college chick Milly: i will not express my feelings through chaos...
Amber Heard: see i never watched Monty Python, i read National Lampoon Magazine instead.
Lorne Michaels: Saturday Night Live should have been a tv show called National Lampoon...
Christina Perri taking in a Dodgers game during Fernandomania with JFK: have you noticed my L.A. Dodgers tattoo?
Dr. Phil: the one guest i couldn't stand?..........Jesus. Jesus, okay? i couldn't stand Jesus.
Peloton at the White House rotunda: yeah sorry, we should've taken the "duh" out of that commercial of ours there...
at Golden Con. at the Bea Arthur autograph-signing.
Doryce shakes hands with Bea roughly.
Doryce: HUGE fan. my Gladyce says i'm like you in personality.
Bea: only in looks. Glad Ice? i'd like to meet this Gladyce, she sounds like one smart woman. or lady. or Girl as it were.
Gladyce shakes hands with Bea respectively, softly, with just her pinkie finger.
Gladyce: i like to be one smart cookie.
Doryce: she likes to EAT one smart cookie.
Bea: how do you think my puss tastes?
Amber Heard: i have borderline personality disorder? i have histrionic personality disorder? i constantly crave attention? i mean, isn't that ALL actors?
Johnny Depp: why am i going through this public trial instead of settling out of court? this is my audition for the new independent movie J.K. Rowling is directing...
Gladyce: pro life-kitchen-hack: tired of apple pie? two words: apple blossoms.
Powerpuff Girls: ...
Vernon Chatman: all i did was take over from Michael O'Donoghue...
Dirg: when your youtube channel has to hold a fundraiser, it's time to end your youtube channel.
Doryce at the Store shelf: what's with the pale-yellow garbanzo beans? they look radioactive.
Gladyce: they might as well be green garbanzo beans, dear.
Laertus's dad: you say
let's go
nobody ever says
let's go together
Dassault: not a French assault
Eye Luggage: Red Rocket and go.
Doryce: can i interrupt? my vending machine's not working, i'm standing by it but it won't spit out Snickers bars anymore. i want the Snickers bar with the dick vein on it, with the dick vein on the end of it.
Simon Rex full-frontal naked: is THIS enough of a Snickers bar for you?
Doryce: now THAT would satisfy me.
Simon Rex: think about how i feel after this. i was a washed-up fat actor.
Johnny Depp: ...
Simon Rex: a has-been. everyone thought i was an Abercrombie model with a head full of dumb rocks.
Abercrombie & Fitch: we somehow made white nationalism cool in the '90s.
Simon Rex: lines? i couldn't remember my name. i already had a porn name. when all i wanted to do was star in a Spielberg movie. like, perhaps, out of the blue, i dunno, say, Jurassic Park.
Spielberg: my daughters watched the CW. when it was called UPN...
Simon Rex: yeah that's the thing. i was C-list at best, i could only ever go on those stupid CW WB teen sitcoms with a script so thin i had to be buff to make up for it. to counter it.
Simon Rex: i was able to do THIS. my life's work is complete. all my dreams have come true. i had to wait 50 years toiling away in the business anonymously but it finally HAPPENED for me!!! i do something here which will LAST, which is SERIOUS, which MATTERS. which showcases my DAMN good acting ability, i knew it was in there, it just never had to come out. this is QUALITY work, my tour-de-force on a Tour de France bicycle, my revelation, what i was always meant to DO when i started out. my dreams have turned into THIS dream. i don't need any awards for this but i'll take them, i've already awarded myself. with a donut. it just goes to show, give someone unexpected a chance and they'll surprise you. sure i did gay porn before, there's gay porn on my resume, but that wasn't why i was chosen for this film...
Pete Davidson: why is this film so important?
Simon: cos it's SUPER indie. like The King of Staten Island. lends it gravitas.
Pete Davidson: don't worry, you aren't unknown, you were friends with me. admittedly this came only in the last few two years or so.
Simon Rex: yeah but now i want to go BACK to being anonymous. i've been in the he game too long, i know how this is, how this goes down, i NEVER want to be famous like that. so i'm going the other extreme, i live off-the-grid on a ranch in California. nobody knows where i live, not even my agent whom i didn't tell i was taking this. nobody can contact me for any reason.
JFK: not even the CIA?
Eye Luggage: okay okay okay NAMES. we gotta come up with a better name for this.
Laertus: right? it took me awhile but i finally figured out this one. the red rocket is from Strawberry's red hair launching him to stardom again.
Rubikon: why the hell wasn't this film called Suitcase Pimp?!!! then people would have REALLY remembered that term, it would have entered the pop-culture lexicon.
Sean Baker: we tried but there are already 13 porn titles by that name...
Bree Elrod: i say the infamous line. and i get to fuck Simon Rex, that's something i can tell my grandkids. i mean when Simon Rex EVENTUALLY becomes famous...
Suzanna Son: i pulled off a pretty convincing Texan accent, huh sugar. sugar donuts. i have an interesting backstory, i'm from Montana of all places and i studied music with Kurt Cobain in his hometown. i have an interesting look. i thought for a while there i was actually gonna get away with going through this whole film without having to get nude.
Sean Baker: hey i'm not a creep. my films showcase the underbelly, the underclass of America, the workers who are fighting for dignity for their work like everyone else. all my films are about sex work. i'm the magic man, i somehow am able to get random hot babes to do my movies simply by entering their Instagram DMs.
Sean Baker: the rest of the cast is LITERALLY people off the street in that dusty no-horse town in Texas City...
Shih-Ching Tsou: i get it. i get the criticism. i'm in all of Sean's movies. i'm PROBABLY the girlfriend? no, I am the producer, he isn't the producer!!! and why do i always have to be the one behind the counter? why can't i be the pretty star?
Sean: babe i told you, the type of films we do, we have to BEG people to be in them!!! hence the Instagram hustling!!!
Sean: it's hard to get people to do a movie for you, to do all this shit. flying a plane and learning lines for a wacky script. the only way you convince people to do it is with.........money.
Laertus's dad: i love how the poster for this is a tribute to The Woman In Red from 1984!!!
Homer Simpson: oh darn, i thought it was a tribute to ME and my drooling of pink donuts.
Simon Rex: Mikey Saber, that needs to be a REAL porn name. i'm gonna use that when i get off work here and enter my day job, which is gay porn. and use the money from THAT to use that name to audition for my DREAM job which is American Gladiators...
Laertus: why the FUCK would you go back to Texas after being in Hollywood?
Dirg: it's called ROOTS, dumbass!!!
Eye: plus he's still technically married to his country wife.
Joe Pera: ...
Lexi: we have a shotgun house but still respect the property rights!!! 1000 FEET AWAY AT ALL TIMES!!!
Lil: yes, i am Lil from Squidbillies in real life.
Lil: all we watch in this household is Family Feud. i'm waiting for that Richard Dawson "September" episode...
Laertus: oh god seeing that big Bump billboard makes me physically ill again.
Eye: don't worry, my sweet, rest your weary head on my bosom.
Dirg: come home wayward son.
Eye: they counter with the family watching the Hilary convention later. not that anybody actually WATCHES conventions anymore.
Laertus: bosom balance. when in doubt, pick the woman.
Laertus: i do love these expansive farm scenes tho, i love Simon riding his bike everywhere, that bicycle is such a star vehicle!
Sean: cheap, too!!!
Laertus: the sun splotching agapist the smokestacks of the factories. like a Rembrandt.
Simon: nobody's hiring. not even at that buffet in Texas where that misogynist shot up the place. they think nobody will want food served by me if they saw one of my movies. they would want to eat me MORE!!!
Lexi: Mikey, your long gap does not refer to your cock.
Dirg: i love how they mention real names of porn stars in this, real porn companies.
Tori Black from Brazzers slaps Dirg on the tongue.
Tori Black: fuck that shit, they never paid ME for use of my real name.
Sean: but that's not your real name.
Dirg: couldn't you at least have slapped my BUTT or something? my tongue has NERVE ENDINGS!!!
Lonnie: yeah as a kid i saw you have sex with my mom, then my mom died of brain cancer.
Simon Rex: hey that's a stereotype of me, man, i did not give your mom brain cancer by not wearing a condom.
Simon: and so we do what any family does to celebrate coming into money, we go to the.........DONUT SHOP!!!
Simon: and we go CRAZY with the donut orders. and the POUNDS of coffee!!! and the fucking MILK everywhere i mean we go CRAZY!!!
Strawberry: call me Strawberry, Raylee is too King of the Hill.
Simon: you have a unique look.
Bjork: she's my daughter, okay?
Strawberry and Simon Rex walking together at day and at night. across heather fields and empty parking lots.
Strawberry: you have a unique look, too. you have that MTV VJ look to you. there's no MTV in Texas.
Simon Rex: that explains so much...
Leondria: i used to be the librarian of the children's library. now i sell pot out of my backyard. Texas, amirite?
June: DO I SCARE YOU, FAG?!!!
Dirg on his knees, sweating profusely, eyes closed, begging with wrung hands: yes, yes you most certainly do. DON'T KILL ME!!! your face is FUCKING SINISTER.
Leondria: and how do my daughter and me know you won't smoke it yourself?
Simon: i've never gotten caught. never gotten shot, never went to prison.
Eye: what's the big deal about getting two AVN awards IN A ROW anyway? the same award in back-to-back years?
Tori Black: ahem, back to back.
Laertus's dad: porn Oscars, porn Oscars.
Strawberry: okay so i've swallowed your cum but we still haven't gone on a DATE. that's messed up, right?
Simon: why didn't you make her character 18 to start? why do i have to answer the press's pedo questions? i don't even groom my own blockhead hair.
Sean: do it for Asia Argento. okay do it for Anthony Bourdain. she had to be underage, 17, so she can emancipate herself form her old life of her own free will when the law keeps her in the small town, it becomes HER choice, her agency.
Strawberry: Ferris wheel. i'm a cheap date, just the Ferris wheel. by the pier. at golden hour.
Simon: why is every roller coaster form Van Nuys Blvd.?
Laertus: okay THIS was a nice scene. the best in the movie. when Lexi subtly seduces Lonnie coaxing the information about Simon's whereabouts out of him through the chain-link fence.
Simon: why'd you throw the coffee pot at me?
Lexi: relax, the coffee was cold.
Simon: but not the glass, my face is my moneymaker.
Lexi: relax, i know you're getting me a Clooney Keurig for Christmas.
Simon: i want to hear you say that WITHOUT your Gulf Coast accent!!!
Laertus: now see i'll never get this. if you're in the porn industry, if you're a porn actor, the LAST place you'd ever want to go would be a strip club!!! you're SICK of all that shit from your job!!!
Mikey: we're men so we can only bond at a strip club, let's go.
Lonnie: this is my worst dream come true. i have to finally admit to myself that my favorite band Puddle of Mudd is just strip-club music.
Dirg: hey at least Puddle of Mudd would smack my ass...
Lonnie: how'd you convince a girl to do porn in three weeks?
Mikey: hey Sean Baker convinces girls to do porn for his movies all the time.
at a mall in Texas
bullies by the indoor fountain: STOLEN VALOR!!! stolen valor over here!!! and even worse than that: HE'S WEARING A MASK!!!!!!!!!!
Mikey: how could you do this to me?
Lonnie: what? i genuinely thought WTF stood for What The Fuck.
Mikey: hey watch your swerving, we don't want to end up causing a 100-car pileup on the highway.
Lonnie: but where else am i gonna get high? we? i'll remember that, we.
Mikey: omg, i'm crying because i'm not gonna get caught for this.
Lonnie behind glass in prison: no you're crying because you've never experienced REAL FRIENDSHIP before. you're a porn actor in Los Angeles, that's as cynical as it gets!!!
Strawberry: sorry for looking at your PornHub. i swear i only looked at that video of the Texas teacher orgy scandal...
Strawberry: it's not an Asian thing. not a racist thing. i just don't like working at a donut shop.
Simon: your boyfriend is NASH BRIDGES?!!! sorry i can't help you. there are just prop guns in L.A....
Mikey Saber: Nash, you can't compete with me, you're a prom star, i'm a porn star.
Strawberry: actually the reason i like you, Mikey, is you're a man and Nash is a boy.
Nash: i can't injure you, i can't hope to bruise you. but my mom beat up Fauci in a cul-de-sac once.
blonde woman in cowboy hat and cowboy boots steps out of her mansion and cocks a rifle.
woman: why do you always park in front of my house? looking to get busted? looking for me to bust a cap in your ass?
Simon Rex: Mrs. Bush?
Strawberry: so as i'm sitting here on this piano bench by my pink bed, our pink bed, playing the electric piano, i think back to my Juilliard audition. except i wasn't naked for that...
Sean: btw, "Bye Bye Bye" by N*SYNC was the only music we could get. because everyone hates that song.
Strawberry: my house is all pink cos pink makes you happy, right?
Simon: no, pink cards make weightlifters' wrists limp.
Strawberry by the stone shipyard: you know this is where the slave trade in America began.
Simon Rex: what's with the history lesson all of a sudden? do you think my name denotes i was once a Roman emperor?
Strawberry: i'm white but i'm aware. i wanted to be a history teacher before i met you and you told me to go into porn.
Simon: you make me sound like the bad guy.
Paul Walker: we all felt that line. i had to go die to ruin Mikey Saber's career.
Mikey Saber: i get my best reviews playing you, Paul Walker. life isn't fair.
Paul Walker: tell me about it. i'm telling you, porn parodies have GREAT writing.
Strawberry wiping a tear from her eye: Mikey Saber, you make me so happy.
Mikey: that wasn't a proposal from me!!!.........dammit, why is your Texas twang so hypnotic?!!!
Laertus: oh i SERIOUSLY thought the wife and mother were gonna KILL Mikey in his sleep!!!
Simon Rex: never trust a witches' coven in the kitchen...
Dirg: i ain't gonna front, when you're running down the alleyway naked at night, dude's got dick. you have a nice big long penis, Simon Rex.
Laertus: and suddenly this turns into family comedy hour, jokes coming at your face everywhere, every second. flying atcha.
Lexi: suitcase pimp.
Mikey: THAT'S WORSE THAN CALLING ME A FAG!!!
Eye: okay this final scene is actually quite cinematic. very illusory, very existential. you're not quite sure what the ending really is. is he DREAMING this? is that what he WANTS to happen in his life going forward? is his dream realized? or is he imagining the whole thing? is the ginger his ticket back to easy street?
Mikey Saber: i don't know, but i sure did walk a LONG street...
Simon Rex: believe me, my dream was realized.
Marilyn Monroe: FINALLY A BIKINI!!!
Simon: my eyes well with tears. happy tears but exhausted tears at my life choices. fake it till you make it. tears of the rainbow. Prince's "When Doves Cry" was inspired by Blade Runner's "Tears In Rain". the tears of a clown.
Sean Baker: i wanted this film to be steeped in the Italian eroticism of the '70s. did i accomplish my goal?
Pasolini: yes. yes you most certainly did.
Sean: and The Sugarland Express.
Spielberg: wait, there's sex in my movies?
Simon Rex: listen, if I can live my dream finally, YOU can live your dream finally.
Naruto: ...
Obito: you just have to wait forever...
Simon Rex tenting his fingers: i shall leave you with this one more thing: DAN CORTESE WISHES HE WERE ME!!! Dan Cortese wishes what happened to me with this film would happen to HIM.
Dan Cortese eating shit on a shingle: ...
Simon Rex eating sirloin steak: g'night folks.
