John Fitzgerald Kennedy survives Dallas. because he never went there on that fateful day. instead he has a shipment of books he buys from a quaint obscure-paperback booksellers, the same shoppe at the beginning and end of The Flight of Dragons, sent to the White House.
JFK: people said i was into magic, magic books. after all, how did a Catholic become President? i WAS into magic, but not anything coming out of the Vatican. the magic of human courage. courage is such a commodity these days.
it's the first known technical Amazon order. it's the first time GrubHub delivered an item that couldn't be Eats. JFK smiles when the package arrives.
JFK: i know what happens in Dallas in the future. there are no more bookstores, only book burnings. so let us smile while we still can smile.
my first day of work in Chatsworth is an engaging one. porn is not at all what i expected. Cirra comes out of her dressing room the pink fluffy bunny-paw hanging on the door instead of a star with her usual vivaciousness and jaundiced eye.
Cirra: here, this will mellow you out, ease the nerves.
me: oh i don't smoke pot.
Cirra: you have to today, it's 420.
Cirra: what were you expecting, honey? you're too skinny for this business. want to borrow my pink feather boa to hide your cock during scenes?
me: i don't know. to get through it i pretend i'm with Jen.
Cirra: this Jennifer Pizarro? she might as well be my daughter as much as you've told me about her.
me: no she would be your mother.
Cirra: hey. look at my yellow Mexican cat-eyes. or the orange stripes on either side of my jowls, my temples. or my strange melty guava bodyshape. that can only last so long, eventually you're gonna have to ENJOY it. or quit.
CUT!!!
the crew and other actors take five and it's just Cirra and i on the stage, a huge circular bed the size of 3 California King beds lying flat on the floor decorated on the side with metal hubcaps.
me: oh god, i don't want to have to do a scene with you. i value our friendship too much.
Cirra: it'll happen eventually, we gotta prepare.
me: emotionally.
Cirra: just pretend i'm Jen when i'm inserting my finger in your butthole.
me: speaking of, i noticed the egg in your butthole.
Cirra: oh yeah forgot about that, i didn't feel it in there, left over from Easter.
me: we celebrated Easter a bit differently at the monastery, it was more of a traditional Easter egg hunt where all the eggs were hidden in the Christ Chalice.
Cirra: you're weird, kid.
JFK at the French debates: every right-wing politician always looks so innocent standing up there talking on the podium. they're cute, they're doing it for the people, they'll get the job done. they'll get the job done right.
Marine Le Pen: ...
JFK: watch it, Miss Marine, i was in the Navy. that's SUBmarine to you!!! AND i was on the Harvard swim team!!!!!!!!!!.........and the Princeton swim team for one lap.
Gladyce: whenever you've been out in the forest for a long stretch and it's raining outside and you fustle and fidget with your keys but you're about to open The Treehouse door, say a little prayer as you enter your hearth again.
Fred Armisen at the Kennedy compound in Maine: Nat, you KNOW i don't like anybody seeing me in my swim trunks but you. i don't have a lot of hair on my chest.
Natasha Lyonne with Pete Davidson raccoon eyes: isn't that a good thing? it was a good thing in the '80s. also, aren't i supposed to be a lesbian? look Freddie, what's the point of having a red-brick swimming pool if we don't throw Gatsby parties in the middle of the day?
The Pope: Putin eats shit. no, really. he loves poo-play.
Amber Heard: i heard that!!!
Elon Musk: i bought Instagram.
Johnny Depp: i have a British accent in court.........for some reason. like all actors, i'm an introvert in real life.
Amber Heard: it's SO condescending the way you say "Ms. Heard".
Johnny Depp: MISHEARD, get it?
The Pope: Putin tried poo-play with me. i saw it with my own two holy-water-cleared eyes, he poo'd on my body in the Vatican boudoir.
Elie Mystal: unlike Don King, i'm a REAL wizard of black magic. every black man who becomes a Harvard professor MUST have hair like this, like my hair is, and this is AFTER i was on the Harvard swim team!!! Don King couldn't fix Mike Tyson cos Don King is PT Barnum. i will fix Herschel Walker.
Nic Cage at the Inauguration: for my next film i'm wearing green paint all over my face. no it's not a war movie, i'm playing Miss Piggy's love interest...
me: the while spaghetti n clams thing, i just don't know if i'm ready.
Cirra: even if it's prepared by Sasha Grey herself?
Emma Conybeare in studio: 2019 was my bad year, my dark year, my depression year. 2019 was also the year the 'orns FINALLY won the FA Cup. there's a lesson in there somewhere...
Gladyce at the tavern eats a peanut butter sandwich.
Gladyce: dear do you eat it like this?
Doryce: i can only eat it if it's two SEPARATE slices of bread with peanut butter spread spread on each slice. and toasted.
Greykid in a wheelbarrow: if you're in the hospital for a whole week, is that a bad thing or a good thing?...
Mardith at the dining hall: you know, the perfect gift you can give a girl on Easter is one glazed donut with blue and yellow sprinkles. it's filling, it's not too little, not too much. i can't eat a whole feast.
Madame Pons: you eat to your heart's content, babe. eat ALL the roast.
Jigen: in the first episode, "Episode 0: The Times", notice me at the bar drinking old whiskey. look above at the ceiling, notice the lights?.........they're stagelights.
Billy Crystal on the potter's stage: i was Bill Crystal when i was a young comic just starting out. but i'm no political newspaperman for the wrong side so i changed it. it's so bizarre when i did standup for Saturday Night Live in 1976 and NOBODY in the audience knew who i was. yeah in the early days i made my bones as a white man exclusively doing impressions of black men in jazz clubs...
Dirg: nobody wants to eat alone in public.........but i eat alone at home every night.
Will Smith in a white robe: not great timing with my autobiography coming out a couple of months before...
Anthony Bourdain: hi, i'm the new manciple at the monastery. the monastery manciple. but i disappear for large stretches of time...
Brother Anthony Bourdain: i feel comfortable at the monastery, it looks like one of those quaint Medieval European villages where i met my end. i'm here at the moment right now to confirm our newest monk. Will Smith, will you step forward and bow your head. damn i never realized how tall you were.
Brother Anthony Bourdain slaps Will Smith on both cheeks to confirm the confirmation.
Brother Tony: WAKE UP!!! you're a monk. congratulations. arise, go forth and be a vessel of love in this world.
Thom Yorke at the pub: Radiohead, Bush, all bands named after places in England named Head. there's a lot of head in Britain.
The Strokes: wait.........all our songs just sound like The Who's "My Generation".
Chris Rock: Disney Presents.........Planet Possible.
Hello Meteor: wait, is this guy in my youtube comments my fan or is he trying to rip me off?
Gladyce: i thought i broke the eggs. i saw chips flying everywhere!!! i was sure i would be met with a carton full of creamy yolk. but it was just grey pieces of flint from the carton...
The Bagel Bakery in their new stone Smurf house location: and THAT is why we're still in business.........have you tasted our bagels? you haven't tasted a bagel THIS good in 27 years!!! nobody pops the poppy seeds like we do!!! you'd come into our store just for one of our PLAIN bagels with no butter!!!
at Jackie O's bachelorette party, all the girls are jumping on tables and dancing. Jackie O squirts mustard into Maiara Walsh's mouth.
Maiara Walsh: wow. what a sensation. and what is this for exactly? is this supposed to imitate the taste of cum? are we all practicing for our wedding nights?
Doryce: i like that coarse country mustard that's just a heap of tiny balls rolling down my throat.
Gladyce: that mustard's so thick you can't even shake the glass-bulb bottle to mix it!!!
Jackie O brings out a tray of wine coolers in bottles shaped like glass penises...
Greykid on the grass: when i lie down on my side on the lawn, i look like a lump of dirt in the grass, a small hill.
Boc: that ain't no lie, i gotta watch it when i'm watering.
Mayim Bialik in a maiden dress: NOT COOL, TV GUIDE!!! did not appreciate that cover!!! now i know how Cecily Strong felt...
Dr. Rick from Progressive Insurance at the Tithe Tower: you are my favorite kind of president, JFK. when was the last time you clapped after a movie?
JFK: i only experienced this once. Saving Private Ryan. i was so moved by that film, it touched me in the good place. took me back to my greenhorn-in-green-fatigues Private days. it was so surreal in there, nobody saw this coming, nobody thought it would happen. but after it ended EVERYBODY in the movie theatre including me stood up and started clapping slowly. it was infectious, it was this rare organic human moment.
Dr. Rick: nobody who made the movie is in the theater.........this isn't Cannes.
Jesus: people don't know this about me but i was a vegetarian. yeah, pescatarian, fish-meat only. at The Last Supper for everybody for me and the fellas i ordered out for pizza. i only go to Burger King for the Frozen Cokes...
Jessica Cruel wearing a scribe hat in her seat at the scribe's she owns: it's not what you think.........although i am the editor of a beauty magazine. Cruel rhymes with Allure, right?
Takahashi at Borders Books: i'm glad Erica Jong happened to be married to a Jong at the time her seminal work Fear of Flying got published, it gave her an exotic-sounding name that people remember to this day.
Bo Burnham wearing a scribe hat: i'm STILL not as weird as Larry Bird...
Michael Weiss wearing a scribe hat: i have a thing for Jungian bodies of work, i'm thirsty for her. you know, it's rude when someone is giving you a long heartfelt confession as a text in your Instagram DMs and you reply by marking that bubble with a tiny prayer-hands emoji, at least have the courtesy to reply with a BIG prayer-hands emoji.
Eye Luggage: The Canterbury Tales from 1972 and go, Pasolini's Canterbury Tales.
Pasolini: um, can we take just a moment to reflect on my life and times? how MY REAL LIFE is more insane than any story a scribe could write out of whole Canterbury cloth. i mean all i wanted to do was marry my husband. the way i died, mob-style, getting my testicles crushed in the most grisly ghastly horrid INHUMANE way possible. over what? WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!!!!!!!!!! did i murder anyone? i was an artist, I WAS SIMPLY AN ARTIST!!!!!!!!!
JFK: good thing i was never hunted by the mob like that...
Pasolini: was i an atheist? of course, i wasn't scared of anybody or any entity.
Fuerza: i like the spunk on you, kid.
Pasolini: was i a threat to the government? no, how? a threat to societal order and civilization? i was against REPRESSION. are my films offensive? no, they're sexually liberating. every human being needs to come to terms with his or her or their own deep intrinsic sexuality if they want to live a life of sound mental health and true freedom. i'm doing humanity a SERVICE!!! not a church service!!!
Pasolini: speaking of, i confess. i have a Confession to make. yeah i was, uh, not in the best mood while i was making this, i was in a foul mood the whole time, you could tell with all the fowl and chickens running around on set. my secret not-secret boyfriend Ninetto Davoli dumped me to marry a woman. i mean talk about the double-doink!!! Ninetto was a shit lover in the sack anyway. his penis looked good on film tho. Ninetto, i just love saying that name.
Pasolini: times were simple in medieval Europe. times were easy and easy-going. there was no internet, all you did ALL DAY was wheelbarrow hay around the faire, chase chickens, then eat a communal meal with the rest of the village at the castle dining hall with all the cows and livestock at your table. and burn effigies at night.
Pasolini: a couple of scenes i worked hard on were scrapped, mysteriously deleted, and are lost to the sands of time. a scene i did of Jack Nicklaus golfing at that magic green forest. and The Tale of Sir Thopas with the erection atop Mount Fuji, i guess the world thought it didn't make sense but it makes perfect sense as an origin story. women in Chaucerian times had tan lines, they weren't from bikinis, they were from witches' cursemarks. oh God the dubbing!!! i fucking HATED the dubbing!! i had to read aloud verbatim feed the lines to the actors who were illiterate. it just fed into the narrative that all actors are dumb.
John Belushi: see?
Pasolini: but then the non-pro actors would club-fight, fight in clubs with clubs and knives, and i'd feel better again.
Pasolini at Charlie Chaplin's house.
Pasolini: i'm sorry, sir, but your daughter Josephine's gonna have to get naked with me.
Charlie: if it means being in one of your peerless art films, dem's the breaks, kid. go forth and be naked, i'll cover my eyes, your mother won't tho. don't worry, daughter, none of the sex is real, right?
Pasolini: uh, right. i feel like Joe Paterno visiting college recruits at their homes.
Josephine: if i get naked you gotta PAY me!!! this '70s porn will ensure i get that Palm Springs shack i've always wanted...
The Wife of Bath: i'm obviously the star of this. i'm the most sexually-liberated woman in the Middle Ages OF ALL TIME!!! and yet a lot of my stuff was left out.
Pasolini: tell me about it, gurl. i wanted to SHOW you giving Doctor Who a handjob.
Wife of Bath: there was a scene that shows my instrument. and one where you saw me peeing. i'm COMFORTABLE having so many husbands and so many wild liaisons with strange and stranger men. my best line is about my fifth ex who dies mysteriously:
"may God save his soul from Hell. now i await my sixth husband."
woad: between a jest and a joke, many a truth is told.
Pasolini: exactly.
woad: imagine if we could solve our differences, our squabbles and our wars, by containing them within words instead of having to kill each other.
Pasolini: i love your facepaint. you're either from New Zealand, play rugby, wrestle, or know The Rock or Saint Notre Dame.
woad: and i love the paint on your face, it looks like one of those special certified envelopes with the trim of red, blue, and WHITE stripes.
Pasolini: i don't do the blue anymore cos of Mel Gibson.
Pasolini: so all of these tales involve sex. the public would say DEVOLVE into sex. but sex and death, these two things are all that humans are. gay sex at that, FINALLY.
The Tabard Inn: I AM REAL!!! I STILL EXIST!!! not The Bard. this is where Papa Smurf gave Smurfette her first beer. after that incident we only served TaB cola from then on...
The Tabard: i used to be Chaucer's Globe Theatre!! now i stage off-off-Broadway Shakespeare plays for Hugh Grant's children...
boatsman: i got a piece of St. Peter's sail. from his boat where those wild parties took place. it's The Shroud of Turin but seaworthy.
The Merchant's Tale merchant: i must take a young wife but i'm afraid i'll BREAK her in bed, not cos of my sexual prowess but because i'm fat.
Josephine Chaplin: oooooooh, who is that David Bowie in the Disco Gold jacket!!! those hypnotic sparkly blue eyes of his just looked at me eating as i fed with my mouth open and full of chickenleg.
the merchant: I DID IT! I CUMMED! for the first time, finally, i was in my 60s. now i DANCE funnily cos all men are boys who just want to get laid. I'M BLIND!!! I'VE BEEN STRUCK BLIND BY ZEUS!!!
Pluto: here, these are the first glasses.
merchant: thanks. am i being cucked? i hate that word, fill my mouth with mulberries whenever i say that word.
Persephone: look at this magnificent garden!!! it's so beautiful!!! these gigantic green shrubs are like giant green gumdrops!!! perfect for GOLF!!!
Pluto: right? naked golf.
Josephine Chapman: husband, i call you SIR cos i still love you, and shouldn't your name be December? David Bowie is just my toy boy, we are a natural couple, you are an old disgusting fusspot pervert, you're hallucinating all this, husband, those mulberries are acid pods.
Dirg: wow, Pasolini has a little girl lift the skirt up to show that woman's buttocks.
summoner: not a warlock, i'm the tax man. i witnessed an orgy. sodomy.
Pasolini: you make it sound so sinful, it's just two men having sex.
summoner: the one who can't pay the tax, the poor guy uh poor gay, will be burned alive at the stake, a non-wrestling cage. as a precursor to Hell, give him a little taste.
Laertus: yeah this scene was HORRIFYING, that poor man being burned alive and all the townsfolk just stand there eating hot-cross pretzel buns. jolly cakes filled with red cream. waffle cones.
Pasolini: apparently i could show THIS tho, death right before your eyes.
summoner: you like bacon?
devil: only when it's on the grill.
summoner: this poor woman's pitcher. she could have sold it on Amazon and the Yankees would FINALLY win the World Series!!!
devil: water is overrated. Old Pitch, that's where my nickname comes from...
Josephine: HEY!!! your boyfriend is acting like my father!!!
Pasolini: sorry, i had to write a scene for him or i'd never get invited to the wedding.
Perkin: why do i have to work? i'm a good bowler.
Pasolini: you WEAR a bowler!!!
Perkin: my dad is a midget, i could beat him up at any time. i'll just collect unemployment. or become one of those bakers who only makes silver tins of whipped cream.
Perkin: i was the goofy thief. but i was never a liar. i dreamt everyone at the dance party was naked...
Pasolini: me, too. people dance at weddings? remember: RHYTHM: Rhythm Helps Your Two Hips Move.
Perkin in the stocks: i threw the dice in the Thames River, you'll NEVER fish them out!!! i used to polish eggs. no that isn't a euphemism, that was my real job!!!
Pasolini: wife?
wife: yes?
Pasolini: you don't exist. women don't exist in my life. why does my scribe hat look like Finn from Adventure Time? why did everyone in Medieval times wear nightcaps all day? Medieval scribes used to draw butt-trumpets in the margins of our parchment pages to voice our displeasure with the word content of our scrolls.
Sergio Aragones cries.
JFK: it's better than burning books.
Pasolini: this is dumb, why am i scribing this Bible? people are paying for greasy-spoon diner meals with Scripture instead of money!!!
Dirg: i for one would have accepted that form of payment for my blue-collar job.
Nicolas: i am in a massive trance. i attend a lot of raves. have you heard of Coachella?
carpenter: i know what a circus is. so a Great Flood is coming?
Nicolas: sure, it happened with Noah, why wouldn't it happen again? stay in this bucket like a drip while i have sex with your wife.
Pete Davidson smiles.
Alison: Alison? am i a Medieval wench or on Friends?
Absolon: kiss me once. just once. don't try to trick me, i can run acres round you.
Alison: i'll fart in your face but that costs extra.
Absolon: this is a salon after all. i shall have my revenge!!! behold: HOT POKER!!!
the throuple play a round of poker with their clothes on...
The Wife of Bath peeping: look at the cock on Doctor Who, it's not that big.
handmaiden: actually, ma'am, that's QUITE large in this era.
Wife of Bath: oh i see!!! blood means gold so i'll wear all red all the time. i hit my head on a giant metal vase but why did i get a concussion? the HAT i wear is so Kentucky-Derby OSTENTATIOUS it protected my head like a football helmet!!! wow, a church that does BOTH WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS!!!
Doctor Who: Eve and Xanthippe, terrible aliens i had to battle.
Wife of Bath: you're just a big nerd!!!
Tom Baker: the Nose Knows, bite it. viewers have now seen Doctor Who naked AS A MAN AND AS A WOMAN.
The Reeve's Tale: not Inside Edition. the one with the two women who greet the weary travelers by sticking their tuchuses out the barn door.
women: those were our faces, we swear!!! that's how we collect the mail.
miller: bran is the best grain. bran is brain food. i've seen horses run away on two legs.
scholars: what's this crib doing here?
Maury: you two ARE the father.
pardoner: this is turning into Clue.
brothel: our girls specialize in cleaning smegma. so the BDSM is harmless.
Death: i killed him cos that loud lout obnoxious disruptive partypooper urinated in my mouth without paying me extra.
Dick the Sparrow: why'd you trust me with a name like that? i'm a dick, i only trust birds. i poisoned the wine caskets, i wasn't giving you the thumbs-up faraway from the oak tree, it was the two-fingers. three thieves never work out, it has to be two so they can become lovers.
old man: respect your elders, you skateboard punks. i fought in the War!!! for potatoes!!!
Last Tale: why does this angel look like a Sweathog from Welcome Back, Kotter? and now this thing turns into the mud pit from the Smashing Pumpkins "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" music video.
Satan: if you want me to fart you out of my butt it'll cost extra. pay it this time.
Pasolini: look at my cute smile at the end here. see? i regret NOTHING. i won't give a deathbed retraction of all my life's work like ol' Geoff Chaucer did. i'm PROUD of my filth!!!
John Waters: i love you.
Pasolini: and i, late in death, in advance of real life, i drink the nightmare of light like a dazzling wine. Happy Easter, everyone, g'night gente.
lead singer of Primitive Radio Gods: ...
lead singer of Primitive Radio Gods: *drinks dazzling wine*
Doryce: this is too hard.
Gladyce: i hear ya, girl.
Doryce: i mean dear i studied hard and got into Harvard. only to join the swim team and you know how much we witches are scared of water. but he wasn't there. it's hard being a JFK groupie following him around all over the globe when EVERY woman is a JFK groupie!!!
Gladyce: i have an idea to sway you from your troubles. let's go to the ultimate coven!!! for The Golden Girls!!! Golden Con!!!
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