Friday, April 15, 2022




* the Desi Arnaz SNL, it's not on the Internet Archive!!! not the full episode anyway. you have no idea how much i NEED to see this episode. fine fine you finally got me, i gotta buy that DVD box set of the First Five seasons of Saturday Night Live, i should have this for research anyway, it comes in gold discs so you know that means it's culturally relevant to Congress.

* Gladyce: dear, the Mardith recyclables, do you take each one out of the brown cardboard box and put it in the blue recycling bin or dump the whole box of items in?
Doryce: i take a dump. 
Doryce: let's not make this process more tedious than it needs to be.
Gladyce: but dear you must remember to always take an affirmative bite.
Doryce: when i eat food?
Gladyce: to test out each item. if your mouth feels paper you throw it in the trash, if your teeth feels plastic you leave in bin as is.
Doryce: this is true, as we get older the magic migrates from our fingers to our tongue.

* Gladyce: the green towel over the glass measuring cup is a disaster waiting to happen...

* Liz Phair: hey bitch, your song "Connection" sounds exactly like my "Supernova".
Justine Frischmann: you just BARELY beat us on the date. i don't care about this stuff anymore. Elastica's last single was "The Bitch Don't Work," that describes my life perfectly now.

* Ko-fi: don't pay me in dollars, pay me in coffee.

* Carol Ohmart: like Anthony Bourdain, i was always searching. searching for something. no, it wasn't at the grocery store. no, it wasn't my mother...

* Jack Dorsey: why is the NFT of my first tweet not selling? i misspelled the word twitter on purpose:


Jack Dorsey: i knew it would be a novel collector's item some day!!!

* Emma Raducanu at Wimbledon 2022: i'm Tiger at The Masters...

* Nicolle Wallace: i would never go back to being a Republican. like Bill Maher. here at MSNBC we're once again keeping you informed of an underreported news story about how Bump is undermining democracy. but things still seem not-dangerous and cute because Bump is trying to distract with his complaining about how he can't fit the entire Burger King King Yeti burger in his mouth on twitter. with some of our favorite reporters and friends. and in this case, lovers. we forged our tie together during the crucible of those hellish Bump Administration years. welcome Michael S. Schmidt.
Michael S. Schmidt: the S stands for sex. this intrepid reporter can confirm that it's happening. it's happening RIGHT NOW, i'm gonna cum. where's a kitchenette luncheonette dinette breakfastette when you need one? i'm gonna be the best dad to your kids, Nicolle. don't worry, i don't look like Desi Arnaz, i look like Desi Arnaz JUNIOR!!!

* Desi Arnaz: i told the SNL cast i just wanted a pack of Cuban cigars before i delivered my monologue. as a joke they gave me the exploding cigars the CIA used on Castro...

* Anthony Bourdain: i never ONCE smiled on camera.........except that one time the cameraman tripped and fell over filming me walking backwards in Italy. but that wasn't caught on tape.

* Elon Musk: my iPad mini needed a full 100% charge last night, it was thirsty...

* Kia Sportage Beachcomber
man: i'm white but i'm an environmentalist beach-bum who listens to Bob Marley so i can have braids. that's what that GIANT hairclip on the back of my truck is for, right? also to comb the beach for humanity's trash. i hate humanity, that's why i surf in the OCEAN where humans ain't.
turtles: thank you for preserving and preparing a safe beach for us to lay our eggs. now we can fly in the sky like we were supposed to.
man: call me Splinter.
turtles: so THIS is where you went, Jack Dorsey...

* Codrus: Father Stu, yes, priests are fat, they are gluttons at the deli counter cos food is their sex.
Cotard: oh brother i have seen priests aplenty who have that lean and hungry look cos they deliberately ascetic themselves, go on spiritual fasts to find the truth.
Codrus: priests are great mythmakers about themselves, great mythmakers about their image.
Cotard: not Father Ted, he told the truth. the brutal truth. he FOUND the truth at the end.

* Taco Bell breakfast in bed
girl 1: thanks for the Taco Bell breakfast in bed!!! roomie.
girl 2: um, i'm your wife. 
girl 1: i had a dream where i eat all the food. i eat your portion, too. i eat all the hash browns and dip said hash browns into the coffee instead of the cinnamon balls.
girl 2: that MUST have been a dream cos if you ever had the balls to do that to me in real life, we'd be just roommates again. i dipped you in slime on that Nickelodeon show, that's how we met. 
girl 1: and all these years later i dipped you in my drip and you can't get enough of me. you're addicted to me like the world is addicted to coffee.

* AllState working from home
Allstate: how'd you get that hardbody working from home?
man: i'm that Ike dude from MADtv in the Nic Cage movie where he has unbearable talent and plays himself.
Allstate: how'd you afford your casa?
man: no roof.
Allstate: how'd you pay for your Frank Tank?
man: that's my CAR, okay? it's not a real Russian tank.
Allstate: and your Zoom meeting...
man: okay i see a lot of nodding heads so let's circle back like Jen Psaki and call it a day. 
Jen Psaki: um, they just voted to kick you off the board at Twitter.
Alicia Keys: i'm the voice of the Allstate narrator in this commercial.........for some reason.

* you want to go to the moon? you can't get there on a rocket ship, you can only get there in a Lincoln Navigator. rocket ships aren't electric...

* HomeGoods: the moral of the story is you will only find happiness if you FIND something while antiquing, not just buying anything your precious little heart desires on the Walmart app. don't get caught in a narrow slit between two mountain crags and never return like that one hiker, you ain't THAT skinny, girl!!! this is the time to buy that rattan seashell swing for your adult parties. that four-sided glass box that's as tall as you. to hold gumballs? oh, to recreate that one Twilight Zone episode...

* Ram trucks: we do it for the grinders. those that don't give up. those that put on their hardhat and continue with their oil-rig job even after viewing Lars von Trier's Breaking the Waves. those that don't let a little tear in the soccer-ball fishnet-stockings bag slow them from playing soccer, deter them from being Wayne Rooney without the drink. cos they know the best-written episodes of BOTH Bob's Burgers and Home Movies was the soccer episode...

* Neil Patrick Harris: why am i EVERYBODY's best friend?

i'm finally gonna do it. i'm gonna speedboat to a remote island and celebrate Easter with Nic Cage. i hear Nic Cage likes jellybean burgers. or chocolate burgers. or grass burgers. egg burgers? gold is found inside every Easter egg...

there's a Carl's Jr. on the island, right? i need to try that special burger with the ORANGE sauce. what's that sauce made out of, carrots?...


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