notes:
* look at that photo up there, that is Jean Harlow literally MINUTES away from her collapsing and dying. her final photo. it's spooky and macabre and makes you think about life.
* Jean Harlow: i was a natural blonde but i wanted MORE!!! so i invented platinum blondes. i died at age 26 of kidney failure. KIDNEY FAILURE?!!! AT AGE 26?!!! what the FUCK was i drinking?!!! nuclear bomb juice?!!!
* Pasolini at The Tabard Inn above: my movie The Canterbury Tales is the serious version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail...
* Tezspire: we simply couldn't afford actors for the commercial. so we 3DCGI-animated everyone and everything. this is the future...
* Mlem, Blep, and Greykid the cat familiars to Jennifer Aniston: girl, you need kids, a 50-year-old woman with 3 dogs in her bed is not a good look.
* Fred Armisen: Nat, you tell your trainer Joe Holder you love him? but not me?
Natasha Lyonne: Freddie Freddie Freddie.........you can only fake the funk for so long.
* Elliott Smith: Smog Cutter, not a place to get your engine smog-certified so it's legal for you to drive a car in L.A....
* Charlotte Bronte: i never wrote a small book. but i DID write a tiny book...
* Bill Murray in the Carrie Fisher SNL episode: get this thirsty girl a cocktail glass of water. this is the '70s, she really is thirsty, she's not sexually desperate.
Carrie Fisher: knock on wood.
Bill Murray: hold my penis when you say that. to convince me to invest in mutual funds. i got a Pinocchio penis.
* Carrie Fisher: back then in 1978 during the Goodnights, i kissed the entire cast on the mouth.
John Belushi: sadly, not even the magic kiss of Princess Leia herself could save me...
* Nic Cage: why'd i carve myself out a Batcave by tunneling the mountains near my mansion with red TNT stick explosives?
George Clooney: don't do it, man...
Nic Cage: easy. Nic Cage=Nic Cave.
* Gilroy Garlic Festival: we can't let the terrorists win!!!
Huell Howser: i went to the last one last year. that drivethru was cool, but you can only drive your truck through the park to get the calamari. they drop the spaghetti on your head in the dark for security reasons. and no more garlic ice cream, everyone thought that was disgusting. i need me one of those GIANT steel festival pans so i can cook sauces and create a bonfire in my own kitchen.
* Rachel Nichols: Malika Andrews tried to smile at me at the ESPN Christmas party but i ran away down the stairs before i gave her the satisfaction. all i know is she's dating the Greek Freak...
* sateen: the sheets so soft you'll swear you're sleeping on butter.
Satan: ...
* old man: LOOK AT THIS LAMP!!! i can't believe i FOUND it again from my college days!!!
Jill Remez: i mean it's not a leg lamp but we need to talk. combining our things is a CRUCIAL step for any couple. i thought i could pick em. you are kind, considerate, a Democrat which surprised me, and you mow the lawn and mow MY lawn. but i cannot ABIDE a lamp that looks like a silly dog!!!
old man: but honey it's a cute pug.
Jill Remez: i need it to be a cute pitbull, i know Jack Bauer.
old man: aren't you glad i gradated University?
Jill Remez: what's with the tassel as the on/off switch and the pirate coat on the dog?
olf man: i met you at the strip club, remember? my favorite anime of all time is Fena: Pirate Princess.
Jill Remez: Miss Piggy was right.
old man: whaddaya wanna watch?
Jill Remez: bitch we're watching Passions!!! i learned my magic from that soap. i'm a bruja!!! i can turn you into a Muppet!!!
* FitBit: this isn't about exercise, it's about life.
dj: Human Resources just informed me i can't wear the Hugh Hefner smoking jacket anymore...
Flight of the Conchords: nobody got us. we were supposed to be about trains.
Dance Dance Revolution: we never taught anybody to dance. we just gave people broken ankles.
we play soccer on English countrysides.
Leah Vernon: i am NOT Lizzo.
Phoenix: you can only pole-dance if you're wearing nine-inch heels.
the kiss doesn't count unless you're at the beach and the wave crests over your bodies smacking both people in the lips.
cheap roller-derby shot, the clock said 0:00.
Phoenix: and suddenly this commercial becomes the living room from A Clockwork Orange.
* NBA
girl in bed: don't open the drapes, i'm a vampire!!! i said i was a fan of the PHOENIX Suns!!!
Djokovic: i'm a fan of the Denver Nuggets, can i play in the U.S. Open now?
Magic Johnson: can i make this Lakers season disappear?
Knicks grandma: bing bong.........BRING BACK Mission Hill!!!
Woj: for the record, i did not come up with the turn-of-phrase Woj Bomb...
Mister Cartoon Machado: i know we're all part of the Modelo family, but i don't do Damian Lillard Dame Time back tattoos, i do my own stuff.
Lakers fan: okay i'm here. i came to Hot Dog on a Stick Giant Donut with this steampunk umbrella, where's Angelyne?
Greek Freak: are you taking a picture of us?
waiter: *John Astin smile* is that okay?
Greek Freak: but you're Giancarlo Esposito.
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: i'm finally gonna do it. i'm gonna put Taco Bell breakfast sauce on lunch, i'm gonna put Taco Bell Breakfast Salsa on a regular crunchy taco.
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