notes:
* Klondike Bar: that's pretty irresponsible, sorry, guys. you can't have people shaving their eyebrow for a Klondike bar, what's next? it's just gonna escalate into deadly TikTok challenges.
* Las Vegas: why is everybody wanting to leave me?
Elvis: viva Las Vegas...
Tijuana: come over here. everyone comes to my city, especially Ukrainians.
* Pink Floyd: we're doing a new song for Ukraine.........but the Ukraine flag is already in our video for "High Hopes".
* Pink Floyd: the "Learning To Fly" music video, the ending is disappointing, i wanted the man to actually fly with just his body, not hang-glide...
* Laertus's dad in the barcalounger eating a Stouffer's French-bread pizza off a tv tray: when i watch golf, a golf Major, it's exciting at first.........but then it gets boring.
* Leon Redbone: if you're a poor musician and can't afford a horn, just make horn sounds with your mouth...
* Jared Leto: I HAVE TO TAKE A MASSIVE DUMP!!!!!!!!!! THE ONLY BATHROOM I CAN USE IS IN JACK NICHOLSON'S MANSION!!!!!!!!!!
* Pete Davidson laughing like Peter Griffin: imma change my name to Peter Davidson...
* Steven Spielberg: hey John Milius, the least you can do is help me spraypaint these Russian tanks with the word
WOLVERINES!!!
in red spraypaint with me.
* Garrett Morris: do i hate Eddie Murphy? yes i do. I was the black man on SNL first. Eddie Murphy's career should be MY career. I should have done all those movies. i would NEVER have turned down Who Framed Roger Rabbit. that White Guilt sketch i did on the first season of SNL asking for money was THE BEGINNING of the Reparations Movement. all i'm sayin is i wouldn't have worn a red tracksuit, i'd've worn an orange tracksuit to warn the world...
* hipster vinyl-eater dad dancing in the rain as the rain is inside the room wetting the shaggy orange carpet in the high-rise: we bond as dad and daughter only when we're drinking Maker's Mark...
Stevie-Nicks-black-hat daughter: STRAIGHT Kentucky bourbon if you know what i mean...
dad: call me daddio, that was zaddy before zaddy.
* Talor Gooch: Chris Hardwick is my best friend...
* Nehemiah Persoff: so like if i was cast as God i would make him jealous of Moses...
Thia Persov: i'm the wife. why do they do that? why my last name's gotta be different like that?...
Nehemiah: i played the perfect gangster rabbi.
* Oliver Reed: why the FUCK wasn't i James Bond? i should have at least played Ernest Hemingway. Bluto from Popeye? i was the British Bourdain. fuck that French chef. born in Wimbledon, i never played a LICK of tennis. but i did lick Maria Sharapova once. my big break came in, ironically, Oliver! i made the air move, the air carved my tombstone. i'm not really dead, i'm just drunk...
* Frail Children of the Air: not butterflies, Avenged Sevenfold's side-band...
* Little Caesars: everyone took tap lessons when they were kids. with pennyloafers.
woman: stuffed. it's not sexual cos i'm a woman. or i'm wearing glasses.
Einstein: e=mc stuffed, that's how you make cheese beer.
man: this ventriloqusit puppet is my son...
* Wendys: i'm the good-looking girl, even from behind the counter you can spy my nice butt.
* LaMelo Ball: i'm a Ball but i'm not crazy.
Lucille Ball: hey don't look at me and my naturally red hair.
LaMelo Ball: Lily is a firecracker in bed...but you can only see her behind the bed...
Lily: how am i only Employee of the WEEK? i'm the only one who works here!!!
* NCAA
Dirg: there is nothing as perfectly plump as a volleyball butt.
Mardith: um, and also, kudos to any college that has a floor-hockey team. i'm floored.
* Chuck Kuts
Jim Nantz: HAIR-lo, friends. i'm bald.
Jennifer Garner: what are you gonna do with my hair, Charles?
Charles Barkley: give it to Sarah Jessica Parker.
* Grant Hill: we are all gathered here today round a circle cos we all have a drinking problem. i tried to save Anthony Bourdain but he was a Carolina fan. the problem isn't that the Duke mascot is a devil. it's that all of you aren't mascots, you're furries...
* Rosario Dawson: i'm Lily from AT&T. you can make money in your sleep if you meditate inside a lucid dream. the extended warranty is a real thing, it extends your penis size. if you don't pay your student loans the college will cancel your diploma. i did not poo in Jack Nicholson's bathroom. we can't all be that charming have those tits.
* Buick
daughter: mom, Iggy the lizard turns orange when he's going crazy...
son: is this dad's Buick after the divorce?
teenager: MY PHONE'S DEAD!!! i'm expecting a very important text from my prom date Iggy.
mom: human, cat, or pop star?
Greykid: Iggy was my mom. she was the charismatic lead singer of Darcy Doors. i'm a war orphan.
mom: how do i stay so calm? the driver's seat sticks needles in my back as i drive, acupuncture massage.
* Will Smith gets up from his seat, enters the stage, takes the mic, and gives the V symbol with his fingers.
Will Smith: my response to the Academy is thus:
"deuces"
Will Smith then proceeds for the next 7 minutes to sing the entire Joy Division song "Decades"...
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: In N Out Burger. for the first time i'm gonna make a concerted willful choice to choose BAG instead of BOX at the drivethru window. why doesn't McDonalds serve breakfast ALL DAY? wouldn't it be cool to have a Sausage N Egg McMuffin at 6PM? then again, that savory breakfast sandwich wouldn't be as special if you didn't have to get up early for it. and actually eating that for dinner might not be that great when your stomach really wanted a McRib...
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