HALFMONK: DEHYDRATED FROM BIRTH (THE WHALE'S TAIL IS THE SPOCK SIGN)

Butt: so i hear you want to convert one of the unfinished mason rooms in the monastery into a The Bearded Bean coffee shop?

me: yeah. thanks for waking me up without coffee by the way, that was a horrible experience.

Butt: it would require gallons of white paint. not your cum.

Mardith: oh yeah well now i'm thinking about getting into real estate soon, i can help you with that. how hard can real estate be? you just video a Jupiter, Florida penthouse for an hour and post it on Tinder. 

Butt: what do you watch all day on this tv in your room?

me: a rare '80s telenovela from Mexico called Cuna de Lobos. very rare, ULTRA RARE.

Butt: is that the one with the fountain in the intro?

me: that's every telenovela.

Butt: oh yeah i remember that show. the woman with the silver eyepatch looking like Wolverine.

Mlem and Blep: Cat Crack, with the label of the crazy cartoon cat on the front, yeah see they have to advertise it as "safe catnip" or they'd be sued.

the cat familiars come face to face with the brown cat, the brown cat's staring them in the face at their lawn.

Mlem: so?

Graykid: my name is Graykid. 

Blep: no sense. tho your voice is quite childlike.

Graykid: i know but that's my name.

Mlem: gotta say i so love the bell around your neck, it's cute.

Graykid: meowy. thank you. i sit on this grass, this grass is my doghouse. i see men on the roofs all over the place all day long. is this roof where you live?

Blep: sorta.

for the remaining sun Graykid plops down on the grass and stares with his diamond eyes at the men working. 

knock at the door.

me: yes? oh hello. nice to formally meet you. finally. you're the workers, right?

roofers: si. i can't shake hands.

me: don't worry i'm not that holy. at all.

the roofers put down greasy wrenches with a thud. 

roofers: can we, um, get the thing? no?

me: what thing?

roofers: the bathroom. the portapotty. where do you want us to place it?

me: anywhere is fine. even blocking my view, i don't care. i just care about my tv.

roofers: thank you. you'd be surprised how many masters places we work on where the master tells us we CAN'T have a bathroom on site! we have to go at the local Wendys. that was a very humanitarian decision you made just now.

me: i like seeing pants dry. has humanity gotten THAT bad? that cold and unfeeling? it's a good thing i left when i did.  

to my utter shock surprise amazement and DELIGHT the green portapotty gets rolled in onto my balcony. it comes with a sink! better, the thing SMELLS LIKE FRUIT!!! yes! it's fruity-smelling!!! i am SO happy right now.

Annie Lennox: listen carefully, listen critically. the melody of "Here Comes The Rain Again" is the EXACT B-SIDE of the melody of "Sweet Dreams Are Made of This".

Annie Lennox: touch me!.........like lovers do.

Mikasa: left that scarf like Taylor Swift.

Dirg: yeah this thing where the wife posts countless endless Instagram reels of her superhusband with the baby, i just. i dunno.

Suzy Lu: Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster, turns out she was a whale penis. noone knows how big my arse is. ta for now.

Robert Downey Jr: i named my firstborn Lacey...

Melissa Maker: come on, that Clorox commercial, that's me!

United States: we came in 4th in the medal count. just off the podium. the worst place you can ever get at the Olympics is not last, it's 4th.

Natalie Rial: great. the first line of my bio reads

Monica Rial's sister

sigh.

Tara Lipinski: i am obviously the reincarnation of St. Therese of Lisieux.

St. Therese of Lisieux at the monastery mountain shrine: i was WAY too hot to be a nun. but i make a hot saint.

Olympics: we did it. we did it for 3 weeks. we came together. next week: war.

Los Angeles: we could TOTALLY host the Winter Olympics!!! one word: Mammoth.

Jessie Diggins: look at my smile. i'm a fucking snack.

Shaun White at the white monastery mountain: this ain't a snow chalet. it's a white-robed chapel. i'm a modern man in touch with my emotions, get over it. get used to it. *waves*

Nathan Chen: this is called a camera...

Jillian Clare: men hate when women put them in the friendzone. but how do you think the woman feels? she was expecting to have a lifelong friend but all he was doing was biding his time waiting to get the green light from her that he can fuck her now.

Pokemon bread is served in the monastery mess hall at noon sharp.

Pokemon bread: i'm still not into Pokemon.

the bones of the armless dinosaur are buried in a shallow grave on the monastery grounds in the room adjacent to me.

armless dinosaur: thanks but i don't want to live in the White House. i voted for The Rock, with my big feet. The Rock will be the best President cos The Rock will be the scariest-looking President.

Daniel Craig: my biggest nemesis was never Freddie Mercury, it was Sade.

Washed Out "Amor Fati" video: the naked girl in the tub, she has finger marks all around her neck. is this none of my business or do you want me to call someone?

Buffy Sainte-Marie: i was the first slayer not the first nun. i never got mad, i just became a Blackfoot. without me, there's no Crash Test Dummies.

David Tennant: i took the Around the World in 80 Days job cos it involves a lot of running, gave me nostalgic Doctor Who vibes.

Mardith: 22222, get ready to manifest. miracles are on their way, but how will they manifest themselves?...

Jillian Clare: i love Taco Bell hot sauce cos it's dangerous like Johnny Knoxville.

Arnold Schwarzenegger munching on a crunchy sunflower: now i have lean muscles. i'm the Muscles from Brussels Sprouts.

Rosie O'Donnell: i thought you were related to Deepak Chopra.

Priyanka Chopra: i am, but i can't talk about it. Uncle Deepak is in the mafia. the Spirit Mafia.

Deepak Chopra puts on his blue sunglasses as he peruses the gift shoppe in the lobby of the spirit centre of the monastery. next door is the shrine shower.

at the shrine shower Gladyce is as naked as a witch can get.

Gladyce: my Herbal Essences. the bottle says it's Green Tea Cucumber. so i pop the cap and squeeze. on Monday it comes out all green-tea ooze-goo. on Tuesday it comes out all cucumber foam. which is it? there are layers to this. 

The Good Dish: this show is a woman's dream job.

Vika Azarenka: look into my eyes, my eyes will end the war.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Kelly LeBrock: Pantene is Panteen in England, okay?...

Eye Luggage: Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home and go.

Laertus's dad: welcome back to me. this one's HIGHLY nostalgic for me. i remember seeing the ad for this movie at the movie theater when i was watching something else as a kid, i don't remember the movie i was watching, i remember THIS. two things: the whale and that one line Kirk says:

remember where we parked

and the audience bellylaughed.

Leonard Nimoy: why did i write and direct this Oscar-worthy script? well i fell in love with the humpback whale on a visit to the Monterey Bay Aquarium. i went there the first year it opened.

Laertus's dad: okay i mean, WOW. think about it. The Monterey Bay Aquarium!!! but visited during the time i wasn't there yet, i still lived in Van Nuys, so i'm getting the wonderment of it all after the fact. that little oceanography studio i live by now is WORLD famous apparently! Star Trek and Out of This World, two space shows!!! two space titans!!! how was the aquarium during the '80s?

Nimoy: clean.

Laertus's dad: this is the one i really needed to see out of all of them. even more than the Khan one. because this one takes place in San Francisco my home away from home. gasp, they finally took my advice and are making a series that takes place at Starfleet Academy in San Fran. FINALLY! we've been clamoring for this since that Wesley Crusher episode.

Gene Roddenberry: i'm still alive here but the Challenger crew is not. really drives home the divide between REAL space and fiction space. if only the transporter really existed.

William Shatner: yeah yeah yeah, just give me money and power. green babes and the director's chair. this whole thing is boring to me now. i mean i've been to REAL SPACE, all of this Star Trek shit is special effects, babes on greenscreens, and stilted dialogue. and they call ME corny!!! did you know inside a black hole is a hologram?...

Leonard Nimoy: i can confirm this...

Nichelle Nichols: i'm a historic figure but i only ever get to say one engineering line a movie or episode. was there ever an episode where they explore how Uhura was Beyonce's granddaughter? and how i singlehandedly defeated the Klingons cos i, duh, built my own cloaking device!!!

DeForest Kelley: i'm not saying it. people forget how warm of an actor i was. i was like Don Rickles with a heart. i learned how to spar with Spock by starring in all those low-rent Westerns. i was a fat kid. the doctor said i could eat all the ice cream i wanted as long as i didn't touch cake.

James Doohan: i'm not saying it. people at my local pub at the Ring of Kerry call me Doodoo. they in a low hum sound DOOOOOOOOOOOO when i come in like Norm on Cheers. i look like that mailman.

George Takei: i'm not saying it. am i really from San Francisco in real life? that would have been perfect. none of my sassy personality comes out in these stoic space parts.

Walter Koenig: i'd do anything if i could build a time machine and save my son Anton Yelchin. nuclear is pronounced New Clear. like the Coke. not like knuckles. wessels is Russia's code word, learn it now for Ukraine later.

Catherine Hicks: you see what's going on here? you see the interconnectedness of all things?

Stephen Collins: right. i was in Star Trek: The Motion Picture, the first one, the original one, back when they still called movies pictures.

Catherine: we met at a Star Trek convention, and we decided right there on that blue stadium carpet, that amphitheater air, to team up to do 7th Heaven. 

Stephen: but then i went crazy. i blame it all on Persis Khambatta dying early, she would have been my life partner in real life, she would have stabilized me. plus i have a thing for...

Catherine: *covering her ears* i don't want to hear about your thing for!

Stephen: ...bald chicks.

Monstro: if these whales just got laid, like their name implies, if they humped more, they'd be looser, carefree, smudgey, go-with-the-flow, the flow of underwater waves. they wouldn't be wanting to destroy the planet! they need brushes for teeth like i have so it tickles when they eat, if you know what i mean...

The Coachman: go home, Monstro, you're drunk.

Monstro: how could you ever tell?

Laertus: okay before i watch this i had my dad in my ear incessantly so i know about it. this film IS FUNNY.

Vasquez Rocks: what about us? so much sex has happened on my rockface, and so much bloodshed.

Eye: sometimes both at the same time.

Vasquez: it's where the Prime Directive was forged. where Lore first spotted Data. where it was decided to make Lore the brother and not the female love interest which would have been kinkier for Data. it's where John Mayer first packed and played Red Rocks...

Dirg: so this movie predicted 5G. 5G could easily knock out the world's internet with the push of a George Jetson finger on a button. and then what would the world do? one probe is all it would take.

Laertus: that's what she said.

Dirg: Russian and Chinese come from the same language, the same mother tongue, the same shattered broken bottle of Victory Vodka left out in the ploughshares.

Laertus: you have no idea who to root for anymore do you?

Dirg: nope. it's like Attack on Titan.

at the Trial of James T Kirk:

restless mob in the crowd: yeah! crucify Kirk! i heard that guy's an ASSHOLE on set!!!

Sarek: hello, son.

Spock: hello, father.

Sarek: are you brushing your teeth? washing behind your Vulcan ears?

Spock: they're just ears. can i go to the sleepover now?

Sarek: pack your pajamas and we'll talk. uh, we'll mindmeld.

Spock's mom: how are you?

Spock: why?

Spock's mom: it's the '80s, therapy is BIG.

Vulcan woman on the ship: live long and prosper, Supreme Leader.

Spock: please don't call me that, that's embarrassing, ensign. hey where's Kirstie Alley? i want beer.

Gene: why is my damn crew on a damn Klingon bird!

Picard: they're still building the ship that's gonna be MY show when you die.

Bones: we shoulda left you there, we should have never saved you. i experienced your katra, Spock, it was wonderful. i saw Vulcan Heaven.

Spock: what you saw, my good doctor, was Shailene Woodley fucking Aaron Rodgers goblin-mode cos Aaron is such a short man.

Spock: whales. i love whales. more than people. i hear them, talking to me. i'm not crazy, it's my Vulcan mind. do you hear the whalesong?

Kirk: no.

Spock: uncultured!

Sulu: we can use the slingshot maneuver to go back in time.

Eric Stoltz: ...

Sulu: we're gonna crash the ship into the sun. but it'll work. there'll be these weird computer graphics from an '80s Apple and a concert echo chamber to signal our voyage through the timehole. we had a budget, we couldn't get Kubrick. but remember, Captain, we can only go to Warp 9.5 in the '80s!

Kirk: aye, sir.

Spock: first thing we do in San Francisco: Winchell's Donuts, baby!!!

Karate Kid: okay that was a CLEVER way for Spock to cover up his ears!!! with the karate belt!!!

Kirk: no first thing i do is imitate Midnight Cowboy.

John Candy: hey look! it's the same John Hughes bus i was on! with the same kissing punk couple!

Spock: why do you have a mohawk if you don't paint it green? little green men? 

Putin: the Ukraine invasion?

Spock: fuck you, punk. a boombox? we have iPods in the future!!! they're ugly as hell!!!

Chekov: we found the real Enterprise!!! the real boat Enterprise! but it's a fucking CRUISE ship!!! disgrace.

Uhura: why are our scenes out of a Naked Gun movie?

Leonard Nimoy: you see why i really wrote this script? this is a CONSERVATION movie. it's about saving the whales, literally. saving them from extinction. look how gruesomely bloody it gets! these poor creatures, beautiful big blue whales, more majestic grand giant than any human could ever be!

Kirk: that's your Vulcan talking.

Leonard: pirates got more and more glorified after i left this mortal plane. all those stupid History Channel Wild Caught shows with their Bump supporters holding harpoon spears.

Catherine Hicks: hi i'm Scully. i'm the hottest tour guide of all time. i'm a milf but i haven't had children yet. don't mind me when my shirt gets wet, i have puffy nipples as you can see. a lot of rogue waves in the area...

Kirk: what are you doing, Spock?

Spock: i always wanted to be one of those Florida diner mermaids. look at me underwater! this is the ONLY time you'll ever see Spock's butt!

Catherine: TELL ME THE TRUTH!!! do you hear that whalesong?

Kirk: sure, that's Yanni.

Spock: i thought it was all in my head...

Kirk and Catherine at a restaurant.

Kirk: how's your fish?

Catherine: oh you mean the candlelit dinner we're having.

Kirk: look it's hard to believe. we come from the future, 200 years from now, but it's the '80s so all the future tech looks dated. time is complicated.

Bones: give us the transparent aluminum.

Wolverine: no way, bub, i need it for my Michael Jackson glove.

Bones: look i'll give you the microchip before Apple. look in the yellow pages for Apple...

Sulu: i won't take the helicopter, i'm a Lakers fan.

Catherine: and now we're a medical soap opera.

Chekov: you're not gonna give me a backbone transfusion, right?

Bones: i'm a doctor dammit! dialysis? where i come from in the future that's a college class on Freud! take this pill, you'll grow a new liver, you can drink again, granny! still doesn't cure covid tho, too may damn variants. hyposprays for the vaccine-hesitant tho...

Shatner: i'm pushing you in the water, Leo! relax, it's over, this is the wrap party! all of these scenes are being filmed in a wave-machine tank at Universal Studios.

Nimoy: i can't swim!!!

Kirk: and now we do the scene from Animal House where all our buddies are on trial for trumped-up charges.

Kirk: wait you're STAYING???!!!

Catherine: there's nothing for me in the past. don't live in the past, remember? fuck Matthew McConaughey.

Shatner: OH COME ON!!! i ask for a love interest and we don't even have sex?!!! cos it's a PG movie?!!! the bitch plants a sloppy-seconds sidekiss on my cheek that doesn't even hit my lips?!!! oh shit didn't see you there, hello Cat, you are one fine actore.

Catherine Hicks: fuck you, Bill.

Catherine: your brand new NCC-1701-A ship will be destroyed by bureaucracy! just like the humpback whale went extinct because of bureaucracy!

Putin: ...

Shatner: time for my shakedown, g'night folks.

Spock: you can only know what life means after you've died. think about it. your whole life flashes before your eyes as you die, scientists have confirmed this. trust the science. as for me now? let's just say there's a lot of tomatoes where i am... 

Maiara Walsh makes a vow to only attend blue-lit parties. the first one she attends has a sink made out of a tuba. 

Maiara: i like my level of fame. there's just enough comments in my comment section that i can respond to them. each one individually. a Jenner couldn't do that. i answer my beautiful followers at noon cos i skip lunch to maintain my actress body. my fame figure. i hate it. sorry, i don't want a kelpburger. even after the Spock movie. i can get away with posting a pic of me giving the middle finger.

Mesay: also known as the Trusova.

Santa Claus lands on my room's roof. his sleigh is being pulled by a humongous humpback whale, the last one in existence.

Santa knocks at the door.

me: hello. what do you want, fat man?

Santa: i am to hand-deliver this goldleaf card to you personally with my black gloves. and take this bitch in your corner back with me. come on, you bastard, up and at em!

Santa drags Dirg by the shirttail and tosses him in his carriage. 

Santa: i take full responsibility for this one, i assume. 

Dirg, sulking: i don't WANNA visit my stupid old man and my stupid little cousins! 

Santa: you need to. it's an emergency. you're in trouble.

and the two they're off on the whale sleigh...

as i'm reading the card a knock at the door.

Jennifer Pizarro: hi.