TMIT: THE ANSWER TO THE SUDOKU WAS SALMON

 

thank you for this, i needed something to do today...

1. when was the last time you tried something new? when i ate the old wad of gum stuck to the roof of the bottom of my bed since i was in 8th Grade. it tasted tropical...

you know you're right, i'm gonna start my life, i'm gonna call my agent.........as soon as i get an agent...

2. whom do you compare yourself to? 

Elon Musk, that's why i'm always depressed.

Elon Musk is best-known for discovering that w starts with a d...

3. what gets you excited about life? sugar. no wait, i read that wrong, cryogenics...

my doctor has a magic pad, he writes ANYTHING on that pad and like magic it appears in a bottle on my doorstep. all i see is the smoke rising into the sky from the chemtrails as the drone flies away. this is how my latest visit went down:

doctor: i haven't seen you here in, like, 27 years...

me: sorry, i got distracted.

doctor: you know once you're dead you're dead. there's no going back from dead, it's just eternal nothingness forever. so i'm prescribing you some sugar to pep up your mood.

me: didn't you say something about gut health?

doctor: the gut doesn't exist. in your body. it's only in your mind. do you have the will to live? i'm prescribing the sugar in bowl form so you don't have to deal with those pesky yellow Splenda packets that are so hard to open you have to open each packet twice...

me: oh thank you doctor!

4. are you satisfied with your work? i just wish i had some salsa, plain pork rinds are hard on the throat. i mean it shouldn't matter if your work is published, right? it should only matter that you took the time to write the thing in the first place...

i know a sublime monologist on the IBM Dating App with a gravelly gravitas voice and i found out today that he had a life before this art he presents. he was a Lutheran doctor who saved baby pigs by rubbing them in a hospital that had no lights. it's weird when you know a person JUST for this one aspect of their life and have no idea who they were before...this one slice of world he shows us...he doesn't have many followers which is a crime, his work should be spread far and wide to the global masses...but you don't hear him complaining...i think he likes that it's private...he can let loose with the nudity...

5. what have people most often praised you for?

my Dutch sneeze. and my mad beats inspired by Fatboy Slim. i'm skinny so i look up to Slim. that i spill my dreams too fast online, my minister doc friend tells me

find that one girl and only tell her your dreams on her DM

so that's exactly what i did. hopefully it worked. wish me luck. *fingers-crossed emoji*

BONUS: when you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

we shoulda built it in the ocean, the fires are coming...

i think of my bed, i've lived my entire life in that bed. i write in that bed. watch tv in that bed. i got married in that bed. took my vows in that bed. my monk vows. and one day when the water rises high enough, to escape the fires this bed will be my boat...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY