PROPER PAT: BOC AND RYAN SEACREST HAVE A HEART-TO-HEART

Pat: in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to reinvent oneself...

Galivant: you do that everytime you sleep with one eye open...

Pat: it's true, the transformation actually happens everyday, it's just imperceptible cos it moves so slowly, like a Jim Croce song, microscopic packets of time...

Galivant: what will you do now?

Pat: i will save Britain!!! by leaving Britain. i will save mankind! by becoming womankind!

Debbie Harry: i went to the Afterlife...cos being a woman is already Heaven...

Cotard: i don't like calling wikipedia users users cos it makes them sound like druggies...

Dirg: they are tho...

Andy Roddick: until i did SNL i didn't realize about the whole "Raw Dick" thing. that was the first time in my life i ever uttered the word hoohaa...

Federer: Christmas 2003 was the BEST Christmas you will ever have in your life, Andy...the only true Christmas you ever had...

Andy: things were looking up for me back then, i thought i'd retire with 10 majors...

Cecily Strong: for the record we asked Juan Carlos Ferrero to host SNL but he declined...

Sampras: Roddick only won cos i retired...

Dirg: you are KILLING my love life by keeping your Instagram pics private!!!!!!!!!!...

Herve Villechaize: i would do it all over again, i wouldn't change a thing.........except the end part...

Alex Trebek: same...

Jay Leno: after latenight i had to become the Green Giant...

Jean Woods: edge has no age. i was Paula Rego when she was younger. i didn't have a stroke, my left stroke just went viral. i am all for Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor...

Gladyce: the trash bags behave much like bellybuttons: they are either innies or outies with the orange pullup handles...

Charles Rocket: i felt so guilty doing that Rocket Report at The Dakota just two weeks before Lennon was shot there...

cat familiars: rooting through trash, how undignified!!! like raccoons!!!...

Amanda Gorman: the pen is mightier than the gun...

Biden: see my Biden Bible? it's bigger than the house it was found in! i'm dustier than it! it's in the shape of a big lunchpail box to remind myself everyday that i need to bring my lunchpail to work with me up to the Cream House...

Eye Luggage: i knew i liked this man...

Dirg: what's with the Walgreens beta soccer-dad commercial?...

Tyzik: it's in High-Definition......oh, you mean...

Gladyce: life hack: put all the contents of a box in a plastic bag in the freezer, throw out the box, saves space.

Gilbert Gottfried: you know what's sad? i was hot when i was young, i had the cool long hair and the motorcycle jacket when i was on SNL. why o why the FUCK did i adopt this voice!!!???...

Takahashi: did anime cause the alt-right? i watch it for the storylines, nothing more..

Mardith: i got the wrong starchart, there's stars in the shape of Dippers but not in the shape of a Scales...

Madame Pons: use the scale in your heart to take the measure of a man...

Pat: it would be cool if one of the zodiac signs were Dipper, that's a cool name. Mardith girl i wish your shoe pantry served food...

Dirg: i'm always on eggshells when i'm talking to my foreigner Instagram friends...

Laertus: choke me with the strap of my PBS totebag...

Eye Luggage: OH BABY I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU THIS HORNY!!!

Laertus: today's a big day...

Eye Luggage: not cool the baby strollers at The Store fitted with police-car boxes on top...

Oprah: ladies and gentlemen, welcome my sister to my new show, Valerie Jarrett!

Roseanne: can we please be best friends now? can we please become best friends in media prison?

Valerie Jarrett: i am not anyone's bitch.

Bump: i am forming a new political party called the Bump Bros...

Pat: so no women? 

Bump: where i'm going, there are no women...

Bill Barr: i got a job wiping the lectern at the Inauguration...

MC Hammer: i did the benediction...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Debbie Harry: that should have been ME playing Lucille Ball!!! not that other stupid Deb!!!...

Debra Messing: i'm so drunk off today i don't care what you call me...

Dirg: you a mess...

Eye: To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything Julie Newmar and go...

Dirg: gotta give it up to my man Wesley Snipes, he ACTIVELY pursued this role! i gotta be more like him, so secure in his manstrength was Wesley...

Wesley from Star Trek: why is everyone looking at me?...

Laertus: the funnest film title ever. also the first film with the title of a letter...

Eye: gotta say i am PROUD of this film! it really shows full human beings living their lives, not caricatures of gay-man drag queens. bold confident strong men living their truth!

Dirg: sassy. sassy men. man up, boy in a dress!

Patrick Rafter: the Australian film is better. Priscilla and roaming the desert in a van...

Dirg: fag only uttered by the white-trash cop and the white-trash abusive husband of course, such a '90s movie. hey let's get this outta the way now, Patrick Swayze makes a HOT woman. she fills the part of Vida with such warmth and compassion she melts into the performance, i was crying by the end! i'm not questioning but still...

Dirg: but who's Wong Foo?

Eye: it's the dive in New York City they go to, the gay bar.

Takahashi: it would have been nice to get Bruce Lee to play Wong Foo, just saying.

Bruce: what?

Takahashi: hey i'm trying to keep you alive here, Bruce!

Dirg: *shaking his fist* New York City!!!

Laertus: the land where EVERYTHING happens. Drag Queen of the Year contest in bold array of color and spectacle! this predicted Pose! yep, it's either New York or L.A., that's where all the enlightened culture is in this country, fuck flyover country. 

Eartha Kitt: why am i not in this seminal film? purrrrr <---that was an angry hiss

Julie Newmar: i became known for playing a cat but in real life i wanted to get caught! go to any Swinging Sixties club in San Francisco and there i was licking my wounds in the tub. i was more in line with the Groovy Adam West Batman dancing the Pulp Fiction dance. i am more in line with the film which will be discussed next week...

Laertus: RuPaul before he was RuPaul

Dirg: before RuPaul was a woman?

Laertus: no before he was Famous Famous Famous RuPaul. okay THAT IS THE GREATEST DRAG QUEEN NAME OF ALL TIME: RACHEL TENSIONS. nothing will ever come close, he wins first-place forever...

Dirg: the Flag is being desecrated...oh it's just clothes...

Codrus: *Codrus chuckle* it's hard writing wikipedia writeups for these people, you never know which pronoun to use...

Eye: can i get a what-what for Noxeema, named for the greatest skin cream of all time. of all '90s anyway. remember those commercials, Tyzik? they were so Saved By The Bell, not the reboot...

Dirg: those acne pads had something in them......i couldn't stop licking them in 8th Grade...

Rubikon: Jesse Jackson was Obama before Obama...

Robin Williams: his name is my name, too, that's the tragedy, it didn't fit on a voter-registration card, it was seen as a double and voided and thrown out, my vote didn't count. i almost had the lead in this, when the crones read my palm and saw my forearm and saw my future all they saw was a cage...they were right on that one in more ways than one...

Nic: not me. i'm not Santa.

Dirg: i'll say this right now: i'd fuck Chi Chi Rodriguez. John Leguizamo is SEXY AS FUCK here. the legs!!! she i mean he has that Spanish stutter-loco to his voice, the bodega lisp, you know when Spanish people always sound like they're whining when they talk. he has that subtle flirtatious laughy drawn to his breath, he's the drama queen drag with the broken heel popping out of the car, he's right, he IS the Mexican Marilyn Monroe!

John: that's Puerto Rican, not-papi-chulo...

Chi-Chi Rodriguez: yeah i sued. can i get some respect goddammit. i'm a GOLFER dammit! chi-chi is NOT my accent it's my name!

Takahashi: i LOVE their road-trip car! sexy. drawn-out long carriage. sporty. this just wouldn't have worked if the top hadn't been popped...

Rubikon: Kamala's a mommy. of the country. watching this along with you guys, my job is done...train...not that train...

Eye: Sheriff Dollard is a dullard. if i was confronted with that racism i would have called him a hick honky out loud to his squad-car buddies over the intercom.

Madame Pons: don't forget the rape, it's always glossed over...

Dirg: at least he didn't get shot with his own gun. at least this is Nebraska and not Obvious Texas. they should have killed the cop Thelma & Louise-style, would have made a more interesting script...

Laertus: piggybacking off your cop, i really wish they had delved in more. had Jason London REALLY be in a relationship with Leguizamo, over lentil soup, a scene where they get naked and fuck. that would have brought even more of the stark reality of unconditional love to this backwater dusty town...

Dirg: Beth Grant, is this bitch 100 years old or what! she's in EVERYTHING!!! she's the female Samuel L Jackson. i mean i swear i saw her in Birth of a Nation!!!...

Eye: that's it, girl! no man is worth your dream! you should only dream of the films of Dorothy Dandridge...

Laertus: i LOVE how they just come out and say it: the Hollywood whitewashing, how Dorothy Dandridge was the ONLY one who didn't play the help since Hollywood's inception, they went there with this script, it was all in the script and they filmed this script as is and distributed it as is...

Dirg: Hollywood allowed this?...

Halle Berry: without this film i don't get the Oscar to get me able to play Dorothy Dandridge MY way...

Dirg: Robert Mitchum, isn't he the guy who once told a director

you want me to cum? how hard?...

Mardith: Coke Is It billboard, that's sexy...

Eye: repairman? ARLISS HOWARD, FIX YOURSELF!!!

Dirg: it's a little comical tho. spices? he gets mad over SPICES!!!?

Leguizamo: not a real Spanish man, can't take the heat on his tongue. it's true about Latin lovers...

Arliss: in my defense i'll never be as cool as the show i'm named for. i masturbated too much to the Spice cable channel as a kid i broke. that got me into rap which i was ashamed of, my favorite secret group was Salt-N-Pepa. i have centuries of bred-in white guilt over my great great grandfather being the slavetrader with the whip his picture in all the history books, he was in charge of the spices aboard the Dutch East India Company.

Takahashi: all those ships and not ONE good one, not the ship from Pirates of Dark Water...

Blythe Danner: we missed the opportunity to do the dick-in-the-pie thing first...

Patrick Swayze: fete champetre, a bohemian garden party where the champagne flows like water...

Dirg: and Wesley Snipes goes all White Men Can't Jump on their roughneck asses. yeah he can shoot the jumper blind!...

Dirg: that's what you get for making fun of Wesley Snipes's In Living Color folded-up hat. that's the problem with having dicks, they are so easily pulled. why didn't Vida just kill the abusive husband like she did the cop? and the cop has a come-to-Jesus moment about homosexuality, ironically...

Laertus: Dirg that's why God gave Adam the responsibility of the fruit necking his neck...

Sheriff Dollard: i don't get this Spartacus reference of solidarity. i never saw Spartacus...

Patrick Swayze: and suddenly i become a god. in full of my powers. i become Durga...

Eye: *pounds fists on table* sequel! sequel! a prequel actually. i'd like to explore more of Patrick Swayze's home life, his kid childhood with his rich intolerant WASPy parents and what led him to become a drag queen and escape the hell away from that same white-country colonial-style house from Lucas...

George Clooney: why is everyone looking at me? i don't own that house...

Dirg: this is why the Democrats won. g'night, folks...

Patrick Rafter: g'day...

Boc: why is it that whenever i finish watering there are cobwebs in my head?...

Ryan Seacrest turns him around...

Ryan: you are not a monster. you are not a frankenstein. you are a human being. you are my son.

Boc: i wouldn't mind being a cute '20s dracula...

Ryan: i know who you are, what you have chosen to be. and i know it's cos of me. i honor you, you don't have to lie to me, hide from me. i respect you, your choices, i cherish the arc of your life...

Boc: thanks, pop

Ryan: i am your mother and your father. that's just how it is. the mother and the father, the mom and the dad. it's all love, son, love is love is love...

Ryan: any abuse going on?

Boc: i should ask you that

Ryan: what do you mean?

Boc: it flows both ways, you can always tell me if Simon is bullying you...

Galivant: so how did you like being me for a day?

Pat: it hit different. it hit me not how i was expecting. it was extraordinary. it wasn't me entering your body but still being a man---wasn't me being a ghost like Patrick Swayze. it wasn't me just putting on women's clothes. it wasn't me just being any gay man or any woman, it was ME BEING YOU!!!

Galivant: and what's the verdict?

Pat: you've got the most magnificent beaver...

Galivant: are you ready for our final journey? the moment that will keep us together forever?...