Pat: i have the coin...but do you have the key?...wait...
Galivant: getting there...
Pat: *scratching his head * yeah i should have said coin goes into the lock...or something...
Galivant: the main thing is you're trying. coins are very powerful symbols throughout all the lands of Earth, all four corners. what i want you to do is think of this red coin in my palm and think of three things this coin can do to further our path down our adventure...
Leslie Feinberg: i am my own person. i hate labels so i fit myself into one of my own creation. i invented the steepling of fingers. not the church steeple. i am a stone butch don't you dare call me a stone bitch! a stone bitch has sex but i write of that certain kind of intense unseen loneliness that comes with being an asexual traumatized into by incidents and genes. look at my face, you can't tell what i am can you? therefore decide who i am by talking to me. really talking to me. i am your brother. i am your sister. i am your Communist-in-arms locking hugs with you till the battle is won...
Boc takes a knee to honor Leslie.
Boc: during the watery season i have to take my boots off in the house so as not to attract mud...thus my new socks get torn earlier than they would have otherwise...
Gladyce: oh Doryce dear i'm loving the new Ninja Foodi we got! it's magic! you close the lid and MAGIC instant food comes out made!
Doryce: i made coquito in there! i swirled all the ingredients in the black witch's cauldron of the Ninja Foodi like human beef broth...
Dirg: not like the pantry around here. you have to actually GO to a place to make the pantry magic with food again...
Doryce: dear kindly toss this in the trash, NOBODY's got the time to read Costco Magazine for health tips!!!...
Dirg: i get all my new sex positions from reading Oprah Magazine...
Madame Pons: i'm not hitting the lottery when it comes to dating. no nice men matches...
Takahashi: what about me? what does your horoscope say about me? maybe horoscope sign-matches can be for friends, too. nothing wrong with that.
a masked Pons hugs a masked Takahashi...
Pons: they say the best friends make the best lovers...
Mardith: oh darn, we can't New-Year's-kiss, Dirg, we're both wearing masks...
Dirg: but i was so looking forward to doing that tradition finally! I FINALLY HAD A CHANCE! to not make fun of the people getting some on tv. BUT WE'RE BOTH WEARING MASKS!!!...
Mardith: if i don't take the Cokes out of the carton, i'll have Cokes forever, i'll never run out, i'll have an infinite supply, because i'll never know how many Cokes i have left...
Takahashi: *rubbing Mardith's head* i love the rub on this girl, she's got a head on her shoulders, she thinks theoretical, she blinds science, she pets physics, she thinks calculusly.
Mardith: you become what you believe.
Madame Pons: god i hope that's true...
Galivant at the bike dump: the Royal Mile would not be possible without the Royal Mail...
Anderson Cooper: my baby is the Buddha reincarnated, he makes doody not swear words. my mom and i were THIS close to becoming Grey Gardens ourselves but luckily Kathy Griffin befriended mom...
Andy Cohen: zoom cocktail parties just ain't where it's at...
Michael Weiss wearing nothing but a scythe wandering a Times Square beach: every post on Instagram is so depressing, it's about how we should all be grateful just for breathing...
Laertus: hey i got a postcard from Dr. Vacc!!! he says he's spending this time away from it all at a hot springs in Vacaville...
Madame Pons: one of my girls is an asexual lesbian...she just knows she would like girls...
Dirg: is that girl Billie Eilish? and is she a good drawer?...
Pons: one of my girls got better off reading the messages on Truvia packets...
Mardith: truvia trivia?...
Dirg: as long as those weren't messages in her head...
Juliana Huxtable: i invented purple. i told Bill Cosby he should have listened to me...
Jim Cantore: don't worry about covid, i got it, i got the Surgeon-General-hair, the gray gravitas neckbeard. Creek Stewart? i'm tougher than Creek Stewart, why isn't that MY show!!!?...
Michael Weiss drinking coquito: Instagram's just drug-buddies.........everything's hyper on the internet...
Madame Pons: i had a girl this morning listening as she recounted how she got her red 1-month-sober coin a week before President Bump's inauguration. she decided then and there that wasn't long enough and dedicated herself to remaining sober all 4 years of the Bump Presidency in order to remain a vigilant awake soldier of the Resistance...
Laertus: outlast the old man!
Cotard: why do i have to keep looking at a faceless woman's big bare bottom everytime i'm watching illegal-download anime?...
Michael Weiss sucking on a candycane: see most D-List Hollywood starlets, their Instagrams are sublime. tightly-produced, always with the punchline about the day's headline perfectly performed. whenever they act on video they hit it out of the park, their Instagram game can't miss.........which is a far cry from how their actual CAREERS in Hollywood are going...it's ironic...
Casey Anthony: so i'm doing an OnlyFans with Scott Peterson...
Gladyce: i shake my banana before i eat it...
Doryce: like orange juice! dear you are the cutest...
Cotard: it was tough for me. i had been a monk for a long time when Kyla Linville came to interview me up at the monastery. seeing her eyes, that was my catalyst to start the process of getting myself the fuck out of this monastery...
Dirg: the reviews are in...Wonder Woman 1984 is more like George Orwell 1984...
Takahashi: yea boi! love that DJ! go on, take out your cock! spin those records with your dick!...
Dirg: i don't want to be sad.........but i still want to cum...
Mardith: i don't read Doctor Who reviews anymore, i just watch the show now, i feel free again, it's the silence...those aliens...
Michael Weiss wearing Christmas stockings as his own socks: let me tell you something, once all of your Instagram commenters are parents, it's time to hang em up...
Madame Pons: emotional muscles? i can't do all this...
Takahashi: i always forget, the Jumbo Jack ain't no Big Mac!...
Dirg: don't let Studio Trigger trigger you...
Dirg to Rubikon: sorry, man. all those years i went into Blockbuster having no idea about blockbusting...
Dirg: do i keep the plug in my laptop to type even tho it's fully charged?...
Laertus: an unanswerable existential question...
Elvira Sastre: i don't got big tits, i got a big quill pen. i'm a fucking rock star reciting my vibrant verse on stage without a microphone. i read i don't read the room. i'm married to Horatio Sanz. and my autograph is one big "L" for Light Yagami...
Dirg: you wanna fix Dune? get Graham Sutherland to do the art. he'll get Andrew McCarthy's green hedge-fund job back, too, hedge-trimming green as in green bushes...
Takahashi: square. square bushes...
Andrew McCarthy: i was never a U.S. President...
Doryce: i have so many layers of food in this trash bag: meatballs, thrown-out chips, ground chicken, cereal, it smells positively floral!...
Gladyce: whenever i'm at The Store and i see the last one item of something on the shelves, i always snatch it and buy it no matter what the item is. it is a sign from above from the Mother Country...
Laertus: i need to start watching a film a day......or whenever i'm bored...
Dirg: you know what i admire about Sasha Grey? on her Instagram she never posts sex memes...
Maureen McCormick: hello America...and Canada...i am the new host of Entertainment Tonight...
Dirg: i thought i was talking to this chick on Instagram, but the whole time all six years it was her husband who was answering all my DMs...
Madame Pons: fuck 9th Chakra! thinking you're all special cos you along Miami Beach. i can drive my boat to Burger King, too!
Mardith: yeah but 9th Chakra would be a cool place to work, always calming...
Pons: uh no. have you ever run a business? during a pandemic!? IT'S STRESSFUL!!!!!!!!!!
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Marble Faun: i was young John Travolta's first role...i later dabbled in porn in the '70s...coincidentally i also played a young Nixon...
Eye Luggage: My Dinner With Herve and go...
Tyzik: i couldn't find my date in the hedges...
Dirg: Herve Villechaize dated Wallace Shawn...obviously...they had so much in common...
Eye: joining us exclusively on the pod is none other than the man himself Herve Villechaize!!! welcome, man!
Dirg: pull up a chair...
Eye: Dirg...
Dirg: sorry about all the chaise lounges in the waiting room, they were too big for you...
Eye: dammit Dirg...
Laertus: how's it going, Herve?
Herve: can't complain...
Dirg: want some day-old cheese?
Herve: let's get this out of the way now: i'm not the manlet, you are...
Laertus: i confess i always thought you were Spanish, not French.
Dirg: your James Bond costars all said you had unnatural lusts.
Herve: look at me, look at all you see before you...i was a man...
Eye: okay did not expect to be seeing Nazis in this...
Dirg: every movie has Nazis in it. or is about Nazis in some roundabout way. hey Laertus you missed your big chance to make a movie that would get you married to a Spice Girl...
Laertus: *winking at Eye* i have more...exotic tastes...
Dirg: whoa! i was expecting Charlie Chaplin's daughter to have a mustache!!!...
Laertus: my name is Danny...Danny Ketchup...
Eye: Danny Boy: i've changed!!! look at this red 1-month-sober coin.........i mean i'm still an atheist but somehow this Alcoholics Anonymous thing worked for me!...
Rubikon: believe in something higher than yourself...cash money?...
Eye: okay i love Harriet Walter! but her role here is so jarring! i hate that i have to hate her! i was first introduced to her as the noble valiant prosecutor for Good on Law & Order: UK!
Dirg: i bet those wrinkles could take me for a ride.
Laertus: hey just think of her as that nasty UK Prime Minister who got zapped to death by Daleks on Doctor Who cos she was too much like Boris Johnson...
Herve: make it funny she says. my life ain't a joke. unless you consider all life a joke...
Laertus: yeah this whole Gore Vidal thing, i don't get it. Danny is FUCKING OBSESSED with the Gore Vidal thing, when he has the beautiful interesting Herve story painted in sweeping historic pastels and panels under his nose.
Eye: you were a talented painter, Herve! you could have been the next...
Dirg: ..so it's left to me to say it? as always? *sighs* okay, the next van Gogh...
Marilyn Manson: i painted you with my love...
Al Gore: Gore Vidal is not my father...
Dirg:...so it's left to me to say it? fine, Peter Dinklage has a nice butt. his butt is actually bigger than the rest of him, it pops on the screen!
Dirg: it's true tho, being with a man like you, Herve, will stunt that poor Rubenesque naked woman's growth...
Herve: midget. dwarf. just call me a human. what's so threatening about me?
Laertus: i know why. you got more women than Ricardo Montalban, that's why he hated you. he was supposed to get all the best-looking women but they all thought you were cute and he was only Latin.
Eye: Ricardo went full-Khan at that Fantasy Island readthrough rehearsal! i liked when you pulled the knife on Danny in the limo, Herve.
Herve: just doing my Game of Thrones impression...
Ronald Reagan on tv in a cowboy hat: when you see his face you'll never forget him...he's black...
Rubikon shuts off the tv in disgust by throwing the '70s remote at it.
Rubikon: he indirectly started this whole MAGA shit.
Newlywed Game: gentlemen, do you get angry when your ladies get the last word?...
Eye: ...weed. the last word is newly weed. weed is how marriages last.
Dirg: just ask Lawrence O'Donnell...
Danny: it was cruel how EVERYONE in this movie kept asking me if i wanted a drink. me, an alcoholic...
Dirg: at least you put out all that booze in bottles neatly on a silver tray and left it by your hotel door on the carpet. it coulda been much worse, believe me, i know me, i would have thrown sharp broken bottles all over the hall...
Ossoff: go ossoff yourself. liking Thrawn is millennial?...
Laertus: next time, Danny, reach for the Heineken bottle in the mini-fridge, it's non-alcoholic...
Herve: you like how i kept calling Danny junior?...me calling another man junior...
Dirg: i don't get why your mother hated you so much. all you needed were some pills or some expensive spine-straightening surgery. why was she so mad when you made it as the James Bond guy, you were a bonafide movie star! did you see that amphitheatre! everyone the entire crowd audience was laughing! success!
Herve: i ended up selling DeLoreans later in my life...
Dirg: i know why your suit was all-white. all that cum you spilt from all your women, my man, give me five, up top...
Herve: not funny. not cool. i tried to burn that blasted tiny white suit with my lighter but it never burned...
crones: course not, dear, that suit comes from the magic dwarves who live in the glen...
Herve: i hated planes! i prefer to walk...
Laertus: THANK YOU, we got another green one.
Dirg: okay loving this, loving that this special was an HBO special right now, all these big big big bare bare bare bouncing bouncing bouncing totally-naked woman stripper butts in my face on screen! i love seeing a woman's buttcrack.
Spalding Gray: sure, Herve Villechaize gets the big butts for HIS HBO special, where were MY big butts!!!...
Eye: buttcracks are sexy. buttcracks are a woman's best feature.
Danny: i wanted nothing to do with any of these naked women at the stripclub, i got all that out of my system the last movie i did...
Laertus: you did achieve your dream of being John Wayne, my man, great scene of you in the saddle of that bucking-bronco white horse shooting your silver six-shooter shiny guns!
Herve: thank you. that was a fun day on set...
Dirg: i suspect Camille Hagen was just after your money. or she was in search of freaky sex...
Herve: then why did i feel less pain when i was with her?
Herve: Billy Barty never got me. maybe if i had ridden horses i would have gained his respect...
Laertus: it's tragic when you express your deep devotion to God in the first half of the film knowing what happened to you at the end...
Herve: i love God, he gave me my name...
Marilyn Manson: i know for a fact God is a comedian...
Heaven's Gate: conviction to avoid conviction...
Dirg: the suicide did NOT go down like that, you were outside in the back on the lawn. not painting a Monet on your naked body. and what's with the suicide gun? it's a lazer-gun taken off the set of Battlestar Galactica!!!...
Herve: hey at least the '70s-era part was right. all we drunk on the set of Fantasy Island was TaB...
Eye: i am so sorry for how you had to sleep, sleep should be a person's respite. oh but why did you touch heads with Danny in the lobby? Danny was an asshole reporter, he wasn't deserving of your love, compassion, empathy, and kindness. you thought of Danny as a friend, he thought of you as a story. oh Herve, you lived such a goth life! g'night, folks...
Dirg: you like weapons, Herve? wanna see my golden gun?...
Herve: i actually hated knives. after i couldn't eat anymore there was no point having a knife. i only carried around the knife for protection. to this day, the agency has never seen a finer interpretation of Shakespeare than my monologue of Hamlet...
Spalding: don't rub it in more, Herve!
Pat: i get it now. only Herve Villechaize could have ever starred in Fight Club...
Galivant: *hits Pat on the back* you're getting it now, boi!
Pat: the red coin. i will never be allowed in the club, they serve alcohol and you have to be Herve Villechaize's height to get in. THIS tall. if i try to bounce the red coin to play beer pong with the red coin...but i can't have the beer mugs cos i'm not allowed in the club. the only thing left to do is be a Good Samaritan and leave the red coin in the slot of a meter to pay for a stranger's car along the strip...
Galivant: right. cos there are no cars anymore, we walk everywhere...
Pat: i'm about to flip this red coin to see where we go next...
Galivant kisses Pat for the first time...truly...in the mouth...
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