TMIT: ALEX'S LAST GAMES...

1. what was the best part of your holiday season? when it ended. January 2nd is always a sacred day for me......i give away all the Ninja Foodi meals i cooked for my nonexistent family to the poor......and i know i will never know stress like that again in my life...

2. did you have the opportunity to get down and dirty during the holidays? please share:

yes. Mike Rowe came over and fucked me hard and sloppy on a slab of black ice. for a beta male like me, that really put the oomph back in me. 

3. you receive a gift from a family member that is exactly what you DID NOT WANT. what do you do:

a) smile politely and bin it at the first opportunity

my cousin gave me a PS5. what the fuck what he thinking. he knows i like NINTENDO!!! i tried to bin it but nowadays if you toss anything in ANY bin it all goes back to Amazon...

b) say thank you and regift it next year

you can only regift it if you know the regifting rules: you must wrap it in the same paper it came in, you must use double-sided tape, you must TELL the person whose gift it is that you're gonna regift it to another person, and if it's a PS5 you HAVE to work at Burger King for two weeks...

c) do some detective work and return it at the first opportunity

guys, sorry, but i did it.........i told Rachel all about Detective Conan...

d) try and tactfully suggest something more appropriate for next time

i did this with a Burger King buddy of mine...i thought i was tactful...he didn't think i was tactful...there will be no next time...

4. sex toys as gifts yea or nay? was there a time when you unexpectedly opened something R-rated in front of your family? tell us about it:

we all gathered by the tree on fire. we hung our stockings with care, mine was fishnet. i fed the fish to distract. we each went around the circle telling us what we were most grateful for. i said Grape-Nuts. then we opened gifts in the present:

i pulled out this LONG thing but before anyone could gauge it, could get a good glance at it and ascertain what it was i quickly told them it was E.T.'s finger from the movie, it was a movie prop from that abandoned warehouse in the dusty Santa Monica Hills co-owned by Jm J. Bullock. the other owner is Jm J. Bullock's father Graham Kerr...

to diffuse i calmly explained to my family that there was no R-rated back then, PG-13 came into existence in the '80s...

5. what is the best present your significant other has ever given you?

one Grape-Nut. it was a symbol of our bond.

BONUS: share your New Year's resolutions or reasons why you do not make them:

Santa came over to the monastery, things got tense. he told me he would reveal himself to ONLY ME, only i would know Santa's true identity. but in exchange Santa told me i'd have to stop believing in my father. so i refused. after much huffing and puffing into his beard Santa's glasses were all fogged up. Santa turned around, picked up his sled, stained his black boots, and got the fuck off the Shire...

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