there's so much that goes into a life decision, so much life wrapped up in it, a column stretching past your consciousness. it's too much for your emotions to handle when you stare at the faces of your children...
when i gave Jesse the tea at the end of Before Sunset, i say, "this is hot" when i hand him the cup.........i'm not talking about the tea...
Wittyidiot joins the crones as a stylish recruiter, he has been given the medal for gathering up the most number of hot women to the Orchid Girls...
Wittyidiot with green bandana: hello my beautiful bitches! i don't give a fuck anymore! the only religion is music! dance music, baby! my rage is pure. i'm the ultimate nice fighter...
...condoms are for dancers!!!...
Doryce: i'm scared of this man's energy. it's not that he's a ginger, it's his unusual power...
Mardith is working with her first client:
Mardith: it's 11/11! THE SACRED MANTRA!!! a day to dance Diwali, to deepen your desire to the divine.
Eric Andre: i had something for this...
Cazzie David, head slunked in her lap: um. dunno. like, maybe get some of my stories published or something...
Mardith: *hands outstretched* think bigger. think the infinite! a love as big as the universe...
it is here that Cazzie throws the planner at Mardith and pulls her hair out...her own hair...
Cazzie: yeah i had love. that fucked me up good.
Mardith: would you like to phone a friend?
Cazzie calls Larry David. her father...
Larry David: *on the phone but it's so loud he might as well be shouting it in her ear* CAZZIE! BUCK UP, KID! YOUR ANCESTORS SURVIVED THE HOLOCAUST!
Cazzie: he kvetches me this advice on this day of all days Veterans Day. i don't understand. i loved him. i loved him with all my heart. i don't get it. why do guys do that? when you finally tell them you love them they don't believe it. i knew something was up, i knew something was suspicious when Pete Davidson is suddenly ebullient, i know this man's history of sadness. on the phone with me that fateful night, he felt SO good. then the next day he dumps me by text and i read all about his whirlwind romance with Ariana in the papers. i'm a young person but i still read the papers. the worst part is i still liked Ariana Grande music after! we could have been so special together. we could have been David Davidson!!! i was so distraught i locked myself in the bathroom---the Mets stadium muni bathroom mind you---and coughed blood into the sink.
Mardith: well that's good. the blood is the sign you're growing up. you're becoming a woman...
Michael Che: we at SNL like to use metaphor and simile. especially simile...
Madame Pons enters with a face full of Pond's soap for her mustache and diffuses with her best galpal Mardith:
Pons: *triangle fingers* let me tell ya, girl, Takahashi is quite the gentleman!
Takahashi: yeah i found my dream car for my dream date at the tea-garden McDonald's in Singapore! it was in the junkyard under a press if you can believe it. the AE86!!! grey. right? this car IS the '80s!!!
Dirg: looks like the DeLorean wearing the Tanuki boot...
Takahashi: you can have my old Triumph Herald...
Dirg: the car that's also a newspaper? this will be my last car...
Mardith: what a sweetheart teddy bear that Taka is!
Pons: yep. we were on our date and when the first course arrived---the Big Macs---Taka noticed my hair smelled of acid. i had put too much Selsun Blue in my hair, but rather than make a scene he told the valet who did the fry baskets and hopped stones that my hair was blue cos of all the surrounding waterfalls in the tea garden...
Takahashi: we rushed into one of the last public restrooms in the world. and into the stall. inbetween pecks on the neck i let you scratch your head to your heart's content. that acid gets me high. we ended the date at one of the last paperbook stores on Earth: where i bought you a manual on how to be a knuffel contact in Belgium, professional hugger. that's gonna be a hot job come 2021...
Pat: cuddle buddy. with the muddy buddies...
Mardith: he's seggy. i'm so happy for you, girl! the hope that there's a soul mate out there keeps one going, keeps one living. but there is no soul mate out there. what's really keeping you living is the hope...
Laertus: okay i admit it, Nicole Apelian is appealing. i cast her as Katniss...the next Katniss...
Mardith to Dirg: why did you put on your Instagram profile in the bio only these words:
fucking Mardith
none of that is even remotely true!!!
Dirg: those big red balls...
Takahashi: at the front entrance to Target?: that's to commemorate when the shot-put and all Olympic events will forever be held in China from now on...
Dirg: okay why is everyone in the Electronic Gems comments section always talking about taking a test?...
Jim Cantore: as you can see on the map here, the path all this is red......no not that map, the red is the cone of uncertainty...
there's a lot of teabagging going on in the Florida coast...those sandbag-maker cranes like those sixfold water-balloon fillers...the ultimate backhoe...
Tyzik: i remember that commercial...the mom in the lemonade tray and bikini with the big tits.
Dirg: i find people who have been married 5 times endearing...
Mardith: look i get it. it's strangely romantic, hopeful. they never give up on love no matter how many times they divorce, they keep getting back up on that horse to find the next new person...
Michael Weiss in a speedo and Little-Lord-Fauntleroy haircut over his bald cap which reads DUNCE before being erased off by nuns in the corner: facebook's a huge cavern of Hallmark cards to browse to see if your friend would enjoy this...
Dirg: this is what happened in ancient Rome, right? it took a week to determine who the next Emperor was...
Laertus: voting isn't a nerd thing. blue will Wall always win again. we won't allow a pandemic to stop us from keeping our eye on the ball. these last 4 years have been quite instructive. it's not enough to know something, you have to FEEL it, really feel it, feel the pain each day of each of the 4 years to make sure you never experience it again. sense memory, never complacent, never to lazily sit out a vote again, take an election off. we'll never get caught off-guard again...
Dirg: seriously what is this? what's with the Period Pad Posse? why is this niche industry on my jock? my instagram's full of cute Indian girls shilling feminine hygiene products at me, something about blood justice...
Gladyce: shall i welcome our Anne Hathaway back into the witch fold?...
Doryce: not yet. clearly not till she gives up politics, focuses solely on her magic and her spell-fingers...
Doryce: I WANT A CITIZEN KANE-GARDEN STATE FIREPLACE!!!...
Rebecca Drysdale joins the Orchid Girls as official scribe and head mensch...
Zoe Leonard joins the Orchid Girls by running for and becoming President of the Orchid Girls...
Cotard: we want the numbers!
Codrus: the Election numbers?
Cotard: no, the covid numbers...
The Pope: i like Biden. he's too old for me but i like Biden...
Boc is nervous. he's about to receive a phone call from his real dad. years of contact-tracing has led to the manila envelope before his jaundiced eyes and now he knows for sure. he is to receive the call from the red phone placed on the roulette-table striped felt...
Boc picks up at the casino:
Boc: dad?
Ryan Seacrest drops the phone for him, turns him around, and hugs his son.
Boc: YOU'RE my dad?! Ryan Seacrest is my dad?.........this explains so much...
Ryan: well i ain't no pirate. i didn't want to milk the suspense any longer, son...
Boc: i've learned, dad. no matter how good i become at my job, i can never water the lawn courts the way Mother Nature can, that Bitch soaks the grass like no hose ever could. washing all the cars on Monte Carlo Island free!!! nothing like the smell of sky after the first rain. it cleanses. it colds. it freshens. it sanctifies. it purifies. it cleans the air. rinses it of the obscene obnoxious deadening heatwaves...
Mardith gets down on one knee...
Dirg: *dazed* this is hot as fuck...
she pulls out a ringbox with cash inside.
Mardith: will you HCMC? you'll learn something about yourself, Dirg. learn to be in someone else's shoes, learn what we go through for you men...
Dirg: Ho Chi Minh City hookers?
Takahashi: no, Home City Mother Country...
Mardith: be a wahine, Dirg. there are thousands of them here on this island but they go unnoticed. i'll pay you to do it, you'll see how hard it is. be a Polynesian girl who has to use her surfing skills to win the tournament and get out of her dead hometown...
Dirg: i appreciate the sentiment i really do, but i can never wear women's clothes, ever...
Allison Mack by a streetcorner, a corner of the island: pssst, hey buddy, you got stomach acid? i got something for that...
Federer: hey i know how it feels. i've suffered for life some devastatingly bitter defeats myself.........take my red hat, it's better...
Takahashi: hey i'm worried about you, buddy. if you were playing Mario okay, but not all the Call of Dutys...
Dirg: i like the Reagan character in the game, is that a crime? do i belong in a Cultural Marxism gulag now?...
Stephen A: it doesn't matter the score. doesn't matter what the score is. i tell Molly and the children all the time, don't look at the numbers in the newspaper, just look at the W...
Laertus: the zoom friends you make now during covid will be your war buddies you'll tell stories with to your grandchildren 20 years from now...
Dirg to Dr. Vacc: you know what the vaccine is?......Northern Neck Ginger Ale...
Takahashi: haven't gotten necked since Halloween, aye Dirg?
Doryce is impatient and uses a knife to get a stray burning-ember bread nub coal in the toaster. Gladyce finally uses her spell finger to dislodge it...
Gladyce to Doryce: like transformation right before your eyes, transmutation set to music like Paula Cole's "Tiger". crescendo restaurant. remember, dear, you don't need to shake the bottle of hot sauce...
Codrus: my favorite song is a-ha's "Living a Boy's Adventure Tale".........and my favorite club is Bears Brew Back...
Dirg to Tiger Woods: feta cheese tastes like vomit...
Tiger: you see me smiling? i don't have to pretend i like Bump anymore just to get more fans to buy my driver club which is 50 feet long...
Tiger Tiger Woods y'all: i'm a California kid, what's wrong with you. you take one look at me and think i'm from the South and would enjoy pimento cheese!!!!!?...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?...
Tyzik: the girl in the Toto "Africa" video looks familiar...
Eye: Ghost and go...
Dirg: LEMME GO FIRST THIS TIME!!! Bruce Jarchow looks like Stephen Colbert...
Laertus: inevitably this hurts cos it ends up being about Patrick Swayze's REAL death. Sam Wheat. love that name. but Molly Jensen should have been called Molly Cream...
Dirg: i'm gonna surprise you here, but Whoopi Goldberg DID deserve this Oscar! i liked her performance. look i get it, it's Reverse Hamlet and everything...
Eye: yeah she was hilarious in this, and natural, totally going with the flow, not a false note. but this thing has TOTAL tonal whiplash! i mean it's very sad and then it quickly veers into slapstick.
Laertus: and then it just gets weird with the Hell Demons...
Dirg: totally out-of-place and creepy, weird, jarring, like they belonged in another movie, a Bakshi movie. even back then Hollywood execs were held hostage by Disney and George Lucas, they HAD to use THEIR animation for everything...
Pat: those Hell Demons were just really hungry Gremlins...
Serano: or scrambled-signal crunchy tv lines...
Laertus: gotta love the simplicity of the '80s tho right? where you either go to Heaven or Hell when you die, cut and dry. and of course there still IS an afterlife in the '80s...
Eye: this was the one where Demi Moore's boy-cut became all the rage, every girl was now free to be a tomboy.........in my case i couldn't convince my mom that despite my hair i still sucked at softball...
Laertus: oh look, this '80s film is about Wall Street...
Dirg: the computer technology here, great graphics, state-of-the-art block and primitive...much easier for Russian hackers back THEN than it it today...
cat familiars: we resent this. we're sick of the stereotypes! we cats aren't scary. we don't yowl and scratch your eyes out! we're not MAGIC, the reason we sense ghosts is cos we have better ears!!! AND WE'RE CUTE, BUDDY!!! CATS ARE CUTE!!! we're not monsters!!!
Dirg: yeah i mean there's a fatal flaw in the script: why wouldn't ghosts be able to go through doors? it just doesn't make any sense...
Eye: ooooh, i love how they get the sex out of the way! WOW, i've never sent that, the sex scene is in THE FIRST FIFTEEN MINUTES!!! the potter-wheel clay sex is as iconic as the boombox raised high...
Laertus: i'm way ahead of you, dear, we will roleplay this at our next love session, i got some supplies at the art store...
Dirg: won't the pot get in all your cracks and crevices? murder to wash out. it's not like that potter scene has been parodied to death. make it interesting: encase Patrick Swayze in the pot, do a Han Solo...
Laertus: i'm hoping after our sex we'll actually have a workable usable pot sculpture that will represent all the angles and curves that appeared during our many gyrations, a history of our fuck motions forever kilned and fired-fried in time...
Dirg: let it dry...
Cotard: let it set...
Eye: oh i love it when the WOMAN proposes to the MAN! that is so heady, strong, and feminist!
Laertus: ah it's so great to have good old-fashioned '80s New York muggers on screen again! you know back in the day ALL movies were made in New York City, and all acted by local New York City actors, it was ALL New York, all just done in New York. never filmed anywhere else in the country, if you needed Kansas they'd wheel out the Kansas set with a few bales of hay in Times Square. you would have hated it, Dirg.
Laertus: that moving the angel sculpture up to the studio apartment on a string was one parts Charlie Chaplin, one parts 9 1/2 Weeks, one parts The Flying Wallendas.
Dirg: Tony Goldwyn. Goldwyn, hmmm, where have i heard that name before in Hollywood?...not saying he doesn't deserve it or doesn't have talent...
Drew Barrymore: watch it, buddy...
Dirg: Rick Aviles as Willie Lopez. or, Michael Jackson if he remained black! they had to make him Puerto Rican to avoid any controversy...
Laertus: watch it, buddy. have some respect the man died of AIDS.
Dirg: Vincent Schiavelli, or Frankenstein. i thought forever that that was Steven Wright. see Vincent had it easy in Hollywood, he had it made, when you have a distinctive face like that you get PARTS others wouldn't!!!
Takahashi: that crazy subway ruckus was very Goku training Gohan...
Eye: Louise and Clara, i wish those sisters took their act on the road...a sister act if you will...
Louise Post: Nina used to be my sister...
Laertus: Phil Leeds. you know Phil Leeds! everyone knows Phil Leeds! the guy from Seinfeld!
Dirg: the Jew with the tooth. how psychologically damaging would it be to see your own dead body sprawled on the street?...
Eye: not much cos by then the spiritual has overtaken the psychiatric...
Laertus: okay YOU KNOW WHAT? i was GENUINELY shook when the heel-turn happens. was not expecting that...
Dirg: heal-turn will never happen...
Laertus: the betrayal of Patrick's friend, so sad, it hurts, and i'm not even talking bout trying to steal yo girl...
Eye: yeah. listen up, Dirg, look at the screen, this is how you get the girl, deliberately spill hot coffee all over your white business shirt so you have to change it and take off the shirt and reveal your pecs.
Laertus: it's very Patrick Bateman isn't it?...
Patrick Swayze's hologram: this dude thinks he has bigger muscles than me? and at this moment i knew i had to make Roadhouse a thing forever...
Whoopi Goldberg: i don't believe in all this medium hooey. i don't believe in the media. now nuns, well NUNS, okay i believe in nuns tho...
Rubikon: yeah see this is what i mean: Oda Mae Brown gets nabbed for ONE forged check while the white-collar criminal white man gets away with the murder of fleecing billions of dollars from America...
Eye: and then this turns into a buddy comedy. Patrick feeding Oda Mae lines like they're performing vaudeville at the bank. and oh what a lovely sprawling '80s bank, i love that shag orange carpeting, reminds me of the Bank of America my mother told me stories of...she crawled on her knees at that bank...
Dirg: floating penny for your thoughts? listen well, kids, this is the last time "Unchained Melody" will be a popular song, replaced by a Fleetwood Mac song and songs for the rest of time.
Laertus: i agree with Ebert, they should have shown Whoopi embracing Demi during the spirit-swap scene slow dance...
Takahashi: again, very Dragon Ball Z...
Laertus: heck they should have had Whoopi fuck Demi, it would have been a more powerful moment! but it was still the '80s...
Dirg: Goldwyn should have been impaled and gored by a huge piece of sharp eagle-for-America talon glass that was actually stained glass from a church that was unshatterable. would have been a more powerful moment...
Eye: you gotta give it up for Demi's tears at the end scene there with the illuminating light, those are gorgeous giant globules of water right on cue...
Dirg: not gas...
Dirg: illuminati light? can't be unless it's a dark light. aw man, i mean the final kiss is not really a kiss, they don't really touch lips, it's all air...
Laertus: again i have to say, this film is melancholic. it ends melancholically. i mean what's in it for Demi? she is simply left with the knowledge---the full realization---that her loss is permanent. will she recover from this? will she move on? or will she be stuck in a rut forever? we will never know...
Eye: DON'T make Ghost 2!!!...
Dirg: poor Patrick Swayze. wouldn't you rather have had a dull full long anonymous life? something to think about as you make new fuzzy friends in Heaven...g'night, folks...
Galivant: ABA...
Pat: ABA?...
Galivant: Always Be Adventuring
Pat: i'm ready for our trip...
Dirg: hasn't this been done before? and better in other films? After So Many Days? or that Raine Maida doc with his wife where Raine made it rain a little to much outside their marriage...
Galivant: creating beautiful music together to stem divorce. Pat, what is your definition of freedom? your ultimate layer of it?
Pat: ultimate freedom?
Galivant: it's leaving social media forever. not worrying what strangers think of you anymore! they will wonder, they will wonder about us forever, wonder where we went. but we are gone, we are gone forever, never coming back, and it's the most joyous thing! it's ULTIMATE FREEDOM. a ghost that cannot be caught. we'll never have to worry about them again. we are on our own, we are making our own path in life. together, silently. not broadcast. our journey just between us. where's our next stop? what's the next city? do we make a pitstop at the village? nobody will ever know, just the two of us will know. a couple caravan. THAT's how you should spend long time...
Pat: huh. i like it. it's the OPPOSITE of a travelogue.
Dirg: Jim and Sam? Jim And Sam? Jim & Sam? The Radio Guys? didn't a couple do this before? for a film? a better couple?...
Pat: i want to go back to school. get my Doctorate. London for my Masters...
Galivant: oh no, mister. our first stop will be your schooldays.........but it's not what you think...it's the life you left behind...the life you could have had... growing up an English lad...
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