TMIT: BRING BACK DELOCATED!!!

typed to the tune of "Take A Picture" by Filter of course:

1. do you post sexy pics of yourself on your blog? why?

remember HNT? *Archie Bunker singing voice* those were the days...

now it's All Instagram All The Time. i did awhile but i soon came to realize my pipecleaner arms and skinny stomach weren't exactly Fire Force beefcake-calendar material. besides how could you ever be sexier than Sean Connery? and for my King of the Hill readers how could you ever be sexier than Alex Trebek?...

2. have you ever had sex when you suspected security cameras might be present but the passion was too hot to stop or care about being caught on video?

this only happened to me once.........with James Spader. i mean i've seen those sites! Starbucks Sex, roadhead with the Starbucks girl at the drivethru window, McDonald's pulling back the curtain and showing how the meat gets made in the back of the kitchen. i mean you realize security cameras were never meant for this, right? they were designed to catch crooks and Nixon to serve as a hard lesson...

3. have you ever had sex knowing full well you were being filmed or pics were being taken?

learn from me, so you don't have to repeat the same hard lessons: when the guy from MTV in the Blockbuster hat tells you he's doing a reality show where you get to compete to be on Biden's Cabinet, run like Aphex Twin cos it's not what you think. generally, walk instead of taking the van...

4. when it comes to sex, to which do you most relate---being an exhibitionist or a voyeur?

that one time i was an exhibitionist was the only time i ever got onto the Wimbledon lawns...

i mean i could continue practicing my tennis, but...i'm getting on in years...

voyeur, that's the thing where you break your leg and stare out a window eating copious amounts of cheese, right?...

set to a Queensryche song by candlelight snuffed by rain...

5. have you ever sneakily or overtly filmed or taken pics of others having sex? what did you do with the evidence?

i became President...

i must comment on the word sneakily, that made me snicker. i remember that David Letterman episode where Dave made it a point to point out that it's sneaked, not snuck...his guests could only use the correct usage, sneaked, they couldn't break curfew and eat Smuckers jam with their finger. if only Dave was interviewing Snooki during that monologue...

BONUS: hot or not---having sex in front of people?

only if you're making a political statement. doing it in the public square. otherwise it's just selfish. if you're burning yourself just to catch the attention of the priest cos you know he has holy water in his pocket, you better check your third eye. if you're only doing it to get back at that teacher who wronged you, it becomes petty...

when i say teacher i mean, like, grades and stuff...

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