PRINCETON PAT: INTIMATE BOX

Warren waits at Epping Forest shaking her head:

Warren: where is everybody? what happened to this glidepath we were on? all i've seen all day the past few weeks are a couple of fairies and it's not what you think. fairies with wings cos they crush Red Bull cans on their tiny foreheads.

the Tokyo Delegation joins her:

Tokyo: yeah...so...hi...really nothing to do anymore...had my whole summer scheduled out...now have NO fucking idea what i'm gon do...endless nameless...

Tokyo lights a gigantic cigarette with the idle Olympic Flame and stuffs it down its gob.

Tokyo: the logistics of this are gonna become illogical. why did Spock have to die? this is the first time we've done this in peacetime.

Warren: oh i love how you say schedule. but this is wartime...

President Bump: HA! HA HA!! HA HA HA!!! you don gon did it now!

Bernie: what are you psychotic-break stream-of-consciousing on about now?

Bump: Bern, they say we're poles apart but actually you and i are the same: you are simply the Left version of me.

Bernie: i'm listening...with my heart...

Bump: you do this one thing for me and i guarantee you'll win reelection, you won the last time but it was rigged against you. YOU have to do this, see. i can't.

Bernie opens up the Defense Production Act and immediately an infinity of masks get made out of Versace dresses. Versace is still alive. an eternal supply of ventilators are constructed from Data's body parts cos Data just one day out of the blue decides to leave the set cos he just doesn't want to be a part of Picard anymore...

Data smokes a cigarette and turns around to see Patrick Stewart's bald head above some hedges. Data opens up his eye and squeezes, lemonade comes out of Data's eye and shoots line-drive right into Patrick Stewart's eye:

Patrick Stewart: AHHHHHH, it's sour!!!

Bernie: i do this not for YOU but for country.

there's a long line snaking around corners of the big New York box stores. every number of street and avenue. longer than a Walmart line. people of every shade color stripe and creed.

Bernie takes each person, elbumps them, puts each on his lap, pulls down their pants, and inspects their asshole to see if it's clean.

Bernie: sorry, folks, i know, it's uncomfortable, but it must be done. Christmas will come soon for all of us. just think of me as Santa. NO MORE TOILET PAPER FOR THE 1%! everyone who has EXTRA toilet paper, mail it back to me!!! now!!!

Rubikon: excuse me, sir, i'd like to shake your hand...

Bernie: no.

Rubikon: sir are you doing your part to help the American economy?

Bernie: by dying?

Bump: right? i mean i am in Heaven now. i can do ANYTHING! no really this time! people are BEGGING me to close the borders! nobody is gonna go outside to vote in your damn Dem primaries, hahahahahah! i've officially canceled the Election. over corona concerns. i win reelection cos i'm a Wartime President, gotta keep continuity.

on a remote South Pacific Fiji Seychelles island, Evangeline Lilly opens her beautiful eyes to discover she has been stranded here with no one else and water on all sides.

Evangeline Lilly: no...no...NOT AGAIN!!! *she pulls her hair out but it all lands perfectly into shampooed place again*

Daniel Dae Kim: i'm here, too.

Evangeline: oh, didn't see you there, Sunny. get it?

DDK: not cool, poisonous white hibiscus. we talked about this.

Evangeline: why was i put here?

DDK: you're a danger to humanity.

Evangeline: i awoke with this silver sword stuck dangerously close to me in the soil. it might as well have plunged in my soul. i'm scared. hey, is that a G carved in the blade or a C?

DDK: come on, i don't even have glasses, lady. what more do i have to do to prove to the world i'm not a mathlete. i'm handsome, buff, muscular. i have those dreamy eyes which make cats swoon. and yet i'm STILL seen as one thing. no i can't help you with the virus, stranger.

Daniel Dae and Evangeline spend the night together. trudging up steep incline dark-green hillsides together. till they reach the other side and see what's there:

millions and millions of the Chinese Delegation are there...

Alex on Jeopardy: anyone want a Norwegian Breakaway? so folks, i always loved it when contestants would shake hands after a hardfought game, that gave me such joy as i battle this illness. not the one you're battling. i especially loved it when the 3rd person would make the effort to extend their hand ALL the way over to the 1st person to shake hands. now there's no more handshaking in human civilization ever again. i would with my elbows but my elbows are sharp. do i sound convincing? do i sound like Alex? i'm really a robot...an android if you will...taken out of storage just in case...my name is Watson...

Doryce throws a comal into the window of the Orchid Girls office shattering it JUST AS the Girls throw Charli D'Amelio out that same window banning her permanently from their cause.

Gladyce: i hope this isn't my gift after so long, what are you trying to say? which one is it. are my tits or my ass the tortillas.

Doryce: i just love tortillas.

Gladyce: great it's my face, isn't it. i got tortilla pimples. at my age! speaking of, take a look at the printer over there, i've left you a gift.

Doryce takes one look, runs to the other side of the room in the corner, Gladyce sprints to the other corner, and they both race to each other and collapse in each other's arms. kissing. hugging. licking. and touching the other's buttock as they bow to each other.

on the glass of the printer is a piece of paper with a pencil etching of Doryce's butt.

Gladyce: i drew it from memory. all the dimensions of your bottom perfectly detailed and geometrically aligned. only a soul mate could do that with another's ass blind!

Doryce: let's get out of here, i want to love you. i parked outside. on that cloud. i tried to get validation but Fuerza hasn't been around these last couple of months...

the duo ride Doryce's broom back home to The Treehouse:

Doryce: all this white on my face is making me thirsty.

Gladyce: just clouds, dear. you're always thirsty. that reminds me, did you remember to do what i reminded you?

Doryce: ah yes, the trick with the milk.

Gladyce: right. i came up with it cos you're such a cereal-eater. when the milk is one week past its due-date you can still use it! just use it only for your cereal, not to drink whole. you don't drink the milk when you're done eating the cereal, right?

Doryce: you know me too well, dear. i can't, i have ice cubes all up in my grill...

Gladyce: your beeper is blowin' up! your vagina button. your little box. let me guess. what's your new nickname for Bama?

Doryce: Bawcock

Gladyce: of course it is.

the two crones smile simultaneously.

Joe Pera on stage: more and more as these times develop and increase, people will look to their childhood grocery store for identity.

Country Girl Jo Firestone: SEE? told ya. they all laughed when i moved to Minnesota and became a survivalist. which is an odd thing for a New York City standup to do...

Jodie Whittaker: WOMAD. it's not what you think. it's world music, not universe music.

Capaldi: yeah, Peter Gabriel has one of the most unique voices in history. you instantly know it's him even if it's on mute. you can sense the worldly wordiness of his vibe vibration verbiage, his eardrums are African drums. yeah i played him in a Lifetime movie.

Jodie: so how are you doing, Pete? haven't seen you around lately.

Capaldi: C...

Jodie: ...is for Cookie? for Capaldi? don't believe the hype, we doctors are here to dispel myths, men and women get it the same, and besides we are neither.

Madame Pons: we need litter!!! cat litter is an essential foodstuff! it's necessary on the supply run! cat litter is the cat familiars' toilet paper!!!

Henry on stage, redfaced: you're embarrassing me, mom! i mean lover. can i go now?

Madame Pons: oh sorry. my lips are zipped. i'm so proud of you, honey. that's my boy up there.

Henry gives his oral dissertation which is 100% of his PhD grade and future. learning all the techniques he learned from Pons his speech is utterly perfect in tone and diction. but no one can hear it...he can't talk loud to save his life...his stress is completely gone, he is relaxed not like a bat right now. Henry is not nervous anymore, not the new kid anymore, the stage is not too big for him anymore, not jittery, no stage-fright...and failing...

Michael Weiss on stage: The University of Paris's shield is WAY COOLER than Princeton's shield! i'm scared of Princeton's shield, it looks like an angry mustachioed cop chasing after me for something i will do in the future. U of P's shield looks like a Monty Python hand cloud. i'm outta here forever!!!...…...oh. what? you say i have one more speech to speech?...well okay then...

Codrus drives his Chevy down the Vegas strip with Cotard locked in the trunk Cotard's hair whipping in the uncontrollable wind. Codrus wears a Black Death Bubonic Plague owl mask.

Dirg: can i borrow your cosplay? Comic Con is canceled!!! that was the last straw!!! they won't get away with this!!! Disneyland i can stomach but not MY lifeline! i need to find my wife at the con MDE messageboards! anyone know who Sam Hyde is going as this year?

Cotard: slow down, brother, you're uncontrollable. i would think the Lancer would be more your speed.

Dirg: Codrus, before i go, can you give me one man-nod to Jesus on your way out?...

the two deities stop at Monk Bar and take the load of the world off:

Cotard: did you lose the monastery sword again, brother?

Codrus: whoa she's hot! eh, whoops. that C carved on there is for Codrus.

Cotard: no it is not.

Codrus: you know why it's grey? it was made from apricot kernels which rotted over time. apricot pits are more deadly than Hell pits. talk about choking on the sword.

Cotard: but not as deadly as your armpits.

Madame Pons: oh, apricot oil is an essential oil! let me turn out billions of bottles for you at my lush LUSH factory. so i can sell it cheap. as in free to the people.

Codrus: heehee, this thing is turning billions of people into atheists.

Cotard: no, it's turning billions of people into good human beings for the first time.

at the Wikipedia Convention on stage, Dirg has commandeered the mic:

Dirg: the gifs make facebook unbearable!!! and another thing...i HATE when women nowadays make every word in the English language that starts with man- into their own, they commandeer it and rebrand it to fit their creed. sorry Fems, manifest is a word, womanifest isn't.

Takahashi: okay that's enough thank you. sorry, folks, i wish i could but the doctor says he's normal. you forgot just how boring side-scrolling arcade cabinet games were, huh. *audience laughs*. what's this thing where you narrate anime episode reviews over the FPS video game you're playing as your youtube video? i mean i just don't get it *crowd laughs*

Steven Universe: i've become impossible. you can't just not like David Bowie cos your dad did. did you notice the tree to Greg's house? it's the same tree as the Simpsons tree. i have a lot of mental problems. it all started when i just couldn't get over Cookie Cat...

Dirg: bye, man, i gotta do one more thing.

Takahashi: hey man, don't be tight. what's the matter? look, nobody saw you up there. i just can't take you anywhere, that's all. it's a good thing i didn't invite you to the Wikipedia Science Convention.

Dirg: there's a science convention? a science con? what for? what's the point of a science convention?

Rubikon: thank you to Takahashi as you'll see in a moment.

Rubikon wheels out a draped-over picture frame. the entire university gasps.

Rubikon: Taka has been kind enough to lend his considerable artistic talents as he drew the cover of the video game that all of this is. that's right, folks, this ENTIRE year-long Iranian invasion was a test case, a video-game played in the real world. the numbers got so large we stopped counting and they broke the screen. of your tvs. everywhere you looked the headlines read IRANIANS BLOW UP ANOTHER COUNTRY or NYC IS NO MORE or WORLD WAR 3 ALREADY HAPPENED THIS IS WWIV or IRAN HAS BEAT CHRISTIANITY WITH ITS LOGIC. this was all a canary in the coalmine.

Rubikon unveils it. it's a grey box of a video-game box like the old Nintendo Entertainment System games used to be in. but instead of Rush N Attack it's Iranian Attack. tho the artwork is quite similar.

the college gasps.

Rubikon: see? i will never lead you astray, folks. won't fake anything. i'll give reality to you straight, even when it's not reality. especially when it's not reality. we can all calm down now. and we will win. don't forget about it all. my running mate, not my running joke, is Alphonso from that Dovato commercial. i can't think of a more sterling example of a human being, who represents the kind of people who will be voting for me, hopefully. he gives us hope, AIDS can be beat now.

ESPN First Take:

Molly: do we still get paid for coming to work as usual everyday and discussing Tom Brady for the next six months? Greeny? what are you doing here? don't you have your own show? it's getting crowded up in here with 4. WHY are you now a part of us!?

Mike Greenberg: you're never around. i'm always around. ...wait...i thought you were Kim Kardashian. i was so looking forward to your take on that Taylor Swift deepfake.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: you know.

Eye: Career Opportunities and go. and Senor John Hughes is kind enough to join us from his tower.

John Hughes: i take out Dominos pizza. pizza from IHOP now that they curbstomp i mean curbside. yeah i'm distancing myself from this film like we all should socially now. i didn't have the usual creative controls i had with my other films. i'm not saying i'm embarrassed by it but...

Jennifer Connelly: the vibrating horsie. yeah bad, promoted gambling.

Dirg: are you real, Jennifer Connelly? like you can't be real. you're too perfect. you were everyone's first cum. every alien's dream. when they get to our shores. every furry's first fantasy fuck. it's impossible for a girl of your young age to already have a hourglass figure, perfect butt, and insanely huge tits. were you made in a lab? your eyes are diamonds. literal diamonds.

Madame Pons: what porcelain do you use for your skin?

Jennifer: you should live the New York life sometime, boy, as much as you despise it.

Dirg: yes, my queen. yes of course you're from New York, that's why i can't have you.

Frank Whaley: i disagree with the director. i thought this was a cool little film, it's different from his other ones. hi, i'm Everyman. that talkative dork in the corner with the wry sense of humor you always ignored in school. my name is Frank Whaley cos my mouth looks like it was strung up by a fishing pole.

Dirg: you're an attractive man, you got that Muppet-mouth thing going on.

Laertus: okay okay of course we need to talk about intimacy. this is an intimate movie. right? it's the ultimate two lovers in a confined space living the dream. every poor nerd's dream to be with the unattainable rich babe with boobs. the excitement of being locked in a Target together for a night, the possibilities abound. even in a Big Box store like Target it's intimate. this was back in the days when nobody thought to make Target French.

Dirg: and look, Honey Pot is selling at that Target back then, see? no problem, a honeypot at Target, not controversial. why didn't you kiss Jim's stomped hands when you two were hiding from the robbers in that change room, Jennifer?......Jennifer?...

Laertus: the theme cuts deep. and hard. this theme of the working-class lifestyle in middle America. of course back then these working-class folk were all for the Dems. there is a painful realization even back then of the adult who still lives at home...and being okay with that...not wanting to strive for more. clearly Jim is smart, he could be a genius if he applied himself and went away to Princeton...but he's comfortable...too comfortable...until a girl challenges him...

Dirg: yes i am interested in this.

Frank: don't call me by my name badge, call me Jim Dodge. ironically i DON'T wanna get out of Dodge.

Laertus: the subsonic tummy bump, that's your new favorite word for sex, right, Dirg?

Eye: i'm sorry, i got this wrong. when Jim is talking about a great set of pectorals, i thought he was referring to Jennifer. but it's HIS pecs he's talking about, my mistake. Jennifer's body. yum. you know i can't watch this film with the original music, as cool '80s as it is. i always just start humming "Sunset" by The Midnight.

Laertus: "Space Age Love Song", underrated. Flock of Seagulls's best song, just gotta get past the hair. oh man when cassettes were in those long white traintracks.

Dirg: i've memorized that Target fast-food menu. i want that menu sign over my bed as a ceiling mirror. i want to play tiny drums, might get an Oscar. you see how Jim was wearing that wedding veil as he roller-skated? he's projecting, signaling to any girl that sees it he wants to settle down and get married. which is not the wild chick Josie.

Doryce: EGGS! no wait, those were L'eggs, sorry.

Dirg: they should have swum in those fish tanks after kissing. the real Little Mermaid Live. gross Jim's description of getting balls shoved down his throat as a gangland tactic. Dermot Mulroney in an early role...i have no feeling about Dermot Mulroney, he's a complete cipher to me. besides, those two robbers were COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY to the story, they just weighed it down with nothingness. tho that was funny when they threw the disembodied panties model stump into the trunk.

Eye: Jennifer Connelly has that bewildered look of enchantment when she purses her lips. Josie's father is a staunch Republican so i guess that was perfect casting. the Northern Exposure guy! he got a nice landing spot when his audition for Fargo failed. and of course John Candy, why didn't Jim just leave the interview when he was ahead? he would have owned Josie's father's mansion by now.

Dirg: i want to be kissed by my boss's daughter. if i ever become friends with my boss...

Laertus: the prevalent emotion here is not nostalgia but rather escape again, the fantasy of escaping your trap surroundings for a better place where you'll be fulfilled. Hollywood of course. but there's also the Midwest sensibility that i gravitated to here. that sense of a working-class boy's delvings into his imagination to imagine he's king of the world. Jim talks about eating spaghetti with a princess on a plane.

Eye: live your dream, Jim!, the Senate is burning the midnight oil like the old days! i'd eat Grace Kelly's spaghetti.

Laertus: i can relate to this, the burning need to create stories for yourself. oh yeah, those three neighborhood kids were completely useless, too.

Eye: they never did have that coffee, but those two make a cute couple tho. i mean it's pretty harsh, right? the WORST thing you could ever be called is a LIAR! the TOWN LIAR!!! for shame! be a gangland murderer instead.

Brian Williams: this was painful for me. i watched this film and i'm in pain. i give this film a perfect score of 5 stars. i miss Chris Matthews.

Eye: dip your chicken leg in peanut butter, that's one to add to your menu, Dirg. g'night, folks.

Eye and Laertus kiss goodnight in front of Dirg, which pisses off a disgruntled-faced Dirg.

Dirg is behind the wheel of a van spraypainted purple and with the unicorn from the film Onward, tapping the steering wheel with his sweater-half-gloved fingers and jangling the keys of his mind.

Dirg: where is all the Barbi Bikini/Thrilla Gorilla furry porn and hentai?

Takahashi: what did you do to my van?

Dirg: we gotta support Onward during this very difficult time for them. mark my words, that Onward keychain minivan with the purple and the unicorn spraypaint they use to promote McDonald's Happy Meals WILL become a collectible! that's the raddest car ever invented! let's get out of here, you and me. i dunno. i was terrified of living at home as a kidult. cos i was terrified of my father. but then i come here to college and my dorm room is so empty and barren and lonely. i feel stircrazy and camped, i need to get the fuck out of here and explore!!!

Takahashi: *staring at his watch* can't. Newsom is our governor. and he's awesome. whoa, that green virus symbol on Instagram, the coronavirus was with us the whole time, we just never noticed it. spooky.

Newsom: i'm Newsom. i'm Awesome Newsom. want some? i could have been an actor, but i went into politics. i coulda been Brad Pitt. but instead i'm working for YOU. California is my country. and we're staying put for the next five months. nobody's got the key to the lockdown but me.

Dirg: but then i got scared other places. i got scared when i went to the Princeton gym to work out. so many Braci Sie Nie Traci tattoos on the ankles of those burly men from East Europe teasing me with all their weight, i got scared of those men and ran away. here. what is your dream?

Takahashi: i need to play and beat and see the ending of every single title, every single game that was ever made for the NES Graybox.

Dirg: let me drive you to my place. so i can pick up a few clothes. be sure to bow to the Jesus oil painting on my ceiling mirror. ROAD TRIP!!

Michael Weiss on stage, walking around the whole stage: folks, people, let me leave you with this, until we meet again. Instagram is....is...ultimately...Instagram ultimately is...the exchange of ideas...

Pat and Julia Ioffe are listening intently to Michael in the darkened audience. Pat is waiting.

Julia: see that man up there? that man is my boyfriend.

Pat looks down. Julia rams Pat's chin up with her fist so he has to look at her eyes which twinkle in the black.

Pat: let's get out of here. live in my cramped dorm room forever. with me. i promise i won't bother you. i won't say a word to you. you can be a domestic goddess if you tried hard enough.

Julia: the reason i'm such a good spy is every space i leave gets immediately fumigated. look at me. this won't be forgotten. even if it seems it will be forgotten. and in ten years...twenty years......well, thirty years...…...we'll find each other...

silence.

Pat gets up on stage.

Pat: my beloved Casio watch. i had it with me. at all times. all through my high school trials and tribulations. and there were many of those. i cut off the watch's armband after a bully tried to choke me with it. but i saved the watch. which was just the clockface now. i kept this face on my nightstand to keep me company, to have a friendly face to talk to when i entered scary unknown college. and despite everything i and it had been through, it kept perfect time. it kept perfect time for four more years...until one day mid-semester when it stopped...…...

Pat is crying. he is bawling his eyes out. all he sees through the watery lens of his tears is Julia's assuring wavy face. she smiles and motions for him to look down at his feet.

Pat looks down. it's not a trick of the eye. or his eyes. his bare feet are hovering an inch above the stage floor.

silence. if there's clapping Pat can't hear it. nor Julia. Pat looks back at Julia in the crowd. Julia is smiling. but more importantly, Pat is smiling.