The Pope: hello all gathered around the globe. i am okay. it's not the coronavirus, just the snivels. do i have to spell it out for you idiots and dolts! okay it's my period!!! see you're not used to this around these parts are ye?!
Hoda: just taking a few weeks off The Today Show. or Today as it's properly called. what? my partner took way off time for her bad eyes, can't I have a piece of the pie? it's not coronavirus. i'm just visiting my friend The Pope in Rome...we have a thing...that's sexual...but platonic...it's like an altar-girl thing we got going between us...don't worry, i'm not spreading it, we use protection as is the Church's solemn #1 rule. the #1 Vow of the Church is not silence but condoms. Church condoms are selling off the shelves!
President Bump: wait, the Left is suddenly not as Illuminati as i'd like...
Dirg: right, sir?! i mean shit. like, if you don't want problems don't stack the beauty pageants with all the hottest babes, right? can i get an elbow-bump for trim?
Chris Matthews at the MSNBC table: right. i know. remember, the news media, we're just like you. we're just trying to live this life, you know? get any expert we can to sit in those seats under the hot lights to explain to us what the fuck is going on. speaking of fuck...fuck it. i mean forget it. my mistake. i realize times have changed. it's not the same as it was 100 years ago. i couldn't resist her puppy-dog bassett-hound eyes. next time i won't get my hair cut. besides, everyone on the subway loves my Boris Johnson shaggy head. and so after a long and storied career i bid you all a fair adieu. fair like my Irish skin. soapy. and in the ancient tradition i will give you one last Irish goodbye. i will leave this studio, not say another word, not say goodbye. just leave. fade to black. after the next commercial break you'll never see me again and wonder where the hell i went. where i will go for the rest of my 30 years on this Earth. shorter cos of global warming. will i write? sure. but all my books will be available at Borders. one thing's for sure: i will never explain it to you.
Regis Philbin from the shadows of the studio gives Chris a standing ovation.
Brian Williams: i will have a storied career, too...
Eye Luggage: i will give Chris one thing: he absolutely looked like a Republican. i have to slap myself every day that he's a liberal. i mean he looks like your uncle at the garage. also i just like slapping myself.
Dirg: this shit has been normalized. normalized like Norma Rae. after years and years and decades and centuries of intrepid journalism and being big with those football arms and blond and a cop, this man is felled by a harmless comment by another woke female. and that's it. it's all over. early retirement. unexpected retirement. do you know what Chris is doing this very moment? Chris is right now at home not able to twiddle his thumbs cos he got a cookie stuck in them. this is how all old white men's lives will end...
Chris: i have one witch by my side. the one with the red glasses...
Dirg: why do we have to follow the rules of the road of an ugly Harriet Tubman wannabe? at least Harriet Tubman made Wakanda Great Again.
Eye: have some food, Dirg. some m'semen. it's not what you think. not male semen, it's flatbread.
Dirg: *trying some and cracking his crunchy tooth on them* pretty good.
Eye: HA! they're from Tunis not tuna. and they're gluten-free!!! gotcha!!!
the three at the Table are diligently wiping every corner of their ipads. which they learned on Today. Steve Jobs joins them in the podcast booth, looking rather spry and not blue at all, he has a pep in his step which is in an open-toed sandal.
Dirg: this sucks, Steve! this is a job! i know how to wipe my ass!
Steve: sorry. sawry. i just came from visiting Woz. they put him in a zoo. Woz really got a raw deal in life. first he was betrayed by me. and now he's Patient Zero.
Takahashi: i only go to Long John Silver's for the chicken.
Dirg: Taka, where the HELL have you been!!!?
Takahashi: stocking up on Impossible Whoppers. as many as Burger King can legally cook on a dirty fry-pan the size of the ocean. it's the wave of the future.
Laertus: wherever you go, wherever your travels land you, wherever the road leads you, my friend tama Taka, i hope you have a whopper one. a green impossible whopper one.
Dirg: the Impossible Whopper has been scientifically proven to make men grow tits.
Eye: so it's perfect for you then.
Dirg: i want to go to the Earl Moran symposium here. lots of buxom blonde beauties. he basically oil-painted porn.
Jodie Whittaker: i HATE all the fucking gammons ruining my damn show! you know how much work goes into each episode!? i haven't slept a wink since New Year's! i sleep in a time chamber where i float six inches above the floor...
Graham: *sulky* i'm not returning next year, not working with this one anymore.
Jodie: wha just because i was mean to you bout your bout with cancer? boo-hoo, grow up. at least it wasn't coronavirus, mate.
Graham: i am grown. i'm an old white man. no, cos there's no chance with you.
Jodie: right, cos i'm a feminist i'm automatically a bitch.
Graham: i want to know from the producers or i'm retiring next year! i want to know if i get to get with Ravio! do i marry Ravio?! do i fuck Ravio!? do i get to eat ravioli off Ravio!!! do i get to eat ravioli off Ravio's naked body like sushi...
Gladyce: Braithwaites! that's where i saw Ravio before! she looks more attractive to me with wrinkles. heavy wrinkle lines. that's where Doctor Who retired after his duties were over. and that nice red Indian woman with the blue eyes was on there too, whatever happened to her?
Jodie: if she's a British woman there are only two things: toyboys. and conceiving boys.
Gladyce: where's Doryce? sigh, i had to go to The Store with Dirg this week. i'm nice to all people but this stretched my patience thinner than the heavy wrinkle lines which stretch my face.
Dirg: we made it work, babe, we're the odd couple. remember, the odd couple were just two men who were gay lovers but couldn't come out in those conservative times in the past when the muscle met the road and the city never quite touched the farms. when young strapping lads who worked the farm pinching bales of hay with pitchforks were doomed to become newspaperboys in the city cos there could only be ONE farmer who became Superman.
Dirg: we're not the writers' first pairing, that's what makes us novel like a virus. it's a novel. it wasn't so bad. look, i only do 3 things each time i'm there: *he holds up 3 fingers*
1: only go to The Store to buy wine.
2: i buy the kid pasta with the mini-meatballs and the baby ravioli cos it TASTES BETTER than the adult one!
3: i'm thoughtful of others, i always make sure to buy extra-virgin olive oil in a bottle shaped like a wine bottle with fancy gold-leafed calligraphy writing on the label for my confused weak friend Laertus here.
Eye: we had cloud macchiatos last night, you know Ariana Grande did that just to distract the public from the leaked nudes of her own Cloud...
Cotard: btw it just tastes like coffee, regular delicious Starbucks coffee. the cloud is just foam.
Yellow Ranger: this week's Power Rangers also dealt with a virus. that was very disconcerting...
Teuila Blakely: and my friend got to be in it! i've worked with this bitch so many times in the past she's my work bitch. we've done all the New Zealand soaps together! and i mean all of them! Miriama Smith! Miriama Fucking Smith ladies and gentlemen how are you, love? if you need this woman to do anything Power Rangers, ANYTHING, she will play ANY ROLE. teacher, nurse, old woman dying of corona.
Miriama Smith: please don't call me a bitch.
Gladyce: anyway with milk you know what to do, dears. you can use milk that's a week-old past the expiration best-by date for cereal only. don't drink milk during your due date, you have more important liquids to think of like your breaking water, we want to raise healthy non-messed-up boys into men. into a heathy root. and don't get your milk at Best Buy!
Dirg: Diora Baird is asexual!!!? that's a crime against nature!!!
Eye: a naughty crime. a crime against nature are those tits of hers. those were grown in an Olympic lab, not natural soil. not that i'm jelaous. they're gonna cancel the Olympics!!!? i am so disappointed. i was lookin forward to all those butts on display, all those butts down the drain, there's nothing like a woman's butt in spandex, a man's butt doesn't even register.
Laertus: and Tal Fishman is the real Aquaman. leap babies make the best Olympic athletes. no, Dirg, they're not anchor babies.
Warren is conducting class in a dark room. in the corner. a room lit brightly with blacklight. Brooke Shields is there as a student and Professor Patricia MacCormack is in the back taking notes.
Eye: Patricia MacCormack is my heroine. and heroin. i want to be her when i grow up. she's in full goth regalia not as a way to relate to the kids but cos she's a real goth. she gets to wear her goth getup when she teaches!!! the only woman on Earth allowed to do so!!!
Patricia: that's earth. this isn't goth cosplay, child padawan, it's me, it's who i am.
Warren: i love your accent, it's so worldly. Princeton came through for me when Harvard would not, Princeton gave me a safe space. to do my magic. to be the source of all magic. you know, people say i'm twitchy. like a certain other man on MSNBC. i move my arms a lot, i jerk my head strangely, i do a half-twist with my body and call on people in the audience during stump speeches. all i'm doing is perfecting the finger-formation and incantation of my magic spells. some call me Satan. but all i did was invent Wicca. i'm like the guy who invented chakras on Naruto. look, every college student eventually gets naked in a circle to relate to people, it's the only way to get to know your neighbors on campus, your sisters and brothers. and frankly it's the ONLY good use for farms. Pompeo doesn't know farms. sure Lenexa is a cool name but that's it. sounds like a medicine they should be taking. sounds like a superheroine-with-a-cape's car.
the class bows silently in reverence. some try to steal her robe. Warren has left a bottle of beer out on every student's desk for them to imbibe while listening to her tour. she appears as a faint spectre on the stage of her classroom.
Warren: The Pope knows this, she's a friend of mine, a good friend if you know what i mean. i wink in her general direction through my glasses. i left out some Corona for the Castro brothers but apparently they're not big beer-drinkers, not beer guys, don't blame them, it's not Michelob Ultra or anything. Castro left me...unlike Bernie.
Bloomberg: *tearing up* you know why when i talk on stage i constantly move back from the podium and move back toward the mic again? i have so much nervous energy i'm trying to let out of my foot. i'm learning a new breakdance for you, so i can relate to the kids...
Bernie is on Fareed Zakaria:
Bernie: i respected you for so long. that dramatic heartfelt filmic Sorkin *BUM* gracenote at the beginning of each of your programs signaled international journalistic greatness was coming. my dad loved that bum. he listened it to me in Poland. but now you're a bum. why do you suddenly hate my ideas! Finland socialism, not Cuba socialism!!!
Beth McColl at The Orchid:
Beth: so i have big tits and Tourette's. i'm the perfect Orchid girl. i don't hate men, it's just there aren't any good ones out there. look, guys, we don't all want to become lesbians but we have no choice!!! send nudes? sure, i'll send nudes via your Nintendo Gameboy link cable...
Gladyce: so like the pepper, right? i thought i had no pepper in the Treehouse but i found a box at the corner of the kitchen next to the rats with wings. i was so shocked at finding the pepper my hand slipped and i dumped the entire contents of the pepper box onto my egg so now i have no pepper again.
Beth: story?
Gladyce: sure. Doryce and i went to the La Bahia Hotel and historic famous belltower on the edge of Obec. but Doryce wasn't quite feeling it. so we went up to Austin to the Austin Motel with the penis sign.
Madame Pons: when you drink too much coffee, the grounds get stuck and lodged up into your asshole.
Cotard: is this why you're in my office right now?
Madame Pons: no. i need advice advising my girls. why do so many girls think they just have to wait for the Bible? they think the Bible is gonna give them a man.
Cotard: you should have asked me this last year...
Madame Pons is in grappling class with Doryce:
Madame Pons: i need to learn this being single...
Doryce: i need to learn this to snag my toyboy Bama. need to teach him this sport so we can practice together...
Eye: the Chips episode "Nightingale" and go. poor Dana, i loved her.
Laertus: as in Florence, not the bird. nor the Olympic athlete. nor the coronavirus city. once again i must reiterate the intimacy of it all. i don't mean sex, i mean these tv episodes slip me into an intimate box, they let me sleep gently in a four-corner room in the '70s when life was so much simpler, when i could experience the lives of strangers safely and in the comfort of my own hygge. real human drama where there was never a bad guy, just humans making mistakes i could root for. all humans.
Dirg: it put me to sleep. put me to sleep, Dana, Dana Plato looked good in those jeans. she had that paper in the backpocket of her jeans like all girls do now with their phones. like a white phone was in there accentuating her butt. but of couse this was YEARS before Steve Jobs had a job. had a thought for that matter.
Leartus: looking at Dana Plato here: so young, so innocent, so bubbly, so effervescent. i cry.
Dirg: what's wrong with dating tall basketball women? it makes for better blowjobs, their backs hurt afterwards.
Eye: and other things can hurt, too, believe me.
Laertus: the theme is still relevant today! the '70s porn theme. and the themes back then. they were talking about health care for undocumented immigrants! how it becomes a hanger-abortion situation operation done in the shadows. let the nurse practice wthout a license! she's Robin Hood!
Dirg: lawless lady loses lives.
Eye: that romantic Romeo + Juliet couple in the van were the real-life Scooby-Doo in the real-life Mystery Machine van! it's everyone's favorite crackship: Velma and Shaggy. even back then, they just wanted to cross the border to get some of that good warm free green Canadian health care and pot!!!
Dirg: those silly cops on bikes had guns? that's even sillier. like bringing a butter knife on your tricycle. whatever you do, show, NEVER show a tracheotomy! trach. i don't wanna see it!!! i can't handle blood and weird cuts around balls. i never watched ER...
Jada Pinkett joins the Red Circle Table along with Rubikon taking notes:
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: Jim Carrey's line should have been:
Jim Carrey: i thought i did my time in Canada! but finally i come to America and i have to do more time on Maple Drive! give me my Cape Codder PLEASE NOW!!! they don't know how to do Cape Codders in Canada, they use maple syrup which is too sweet for me. alcohol should have a lime in it. alcohol should be sour to match my mood.
Eye: Jason's Lyric and go!
Jada: well i'm home, i'm back! discussing my own film. breakthrough for me in many ways.
Dirg: well hello mama! you looked good naked, miss thang. i loved your realistic tits. don't know if your body now looks good naked tho, Ms. Nasty Jada.
Jada: can we remove him? or do i have to do it myself? my children are here, too, i keep nothing from them.
Eye: your love scene with Allen Payne was so lovely and special and romantic! soothes the pain. it really was a depiction of making love, not sex. those beautiful white-flower-garlands like swings on the swamp, i wanted to swing on those vines like Chandler to the song Chandelier. your passion literally turns the white flowers on the ground red! it was very old-south Gothic.
Dirg: everyone made fun of your sex scene cos we all had to endure looking at that dude's butt.
Laertus: you and Allen Payne have matching eyes! you were a match made in heaven for the beautiful.
Dirg: yeah i mean that other sex scene combines two of my favorite things so i use it all the time as my ultimate fantasy, my go-to image from my spankbank: fucking in a tv store, doesn't get better.
Jada: Allen's a lovely man. inside, too. not just outside on his hairy chest playing basketball like Top Gun. he's not gay cos he's beautiful. but if he is Tyler Pery will take care of him.
Dirg: and suddenly this movie becomes North by Northwest. don't inhale the chemtrails, young bucks! i have a feeling this isn't gonna be bout prison b-ball. some say this movie was bad cos it was exploitative, it uses every trick in the book: salacious writing, a funnyman comedian who isn't funny, insanely huge tits on a tray, mammoth mammaries, it's all common-denominator sex & violence. and rough language and rough living. and taunts which hurt. and a ghetto that is strangely not Compton.
Laertus: Third Ward. Historic Houston, the real red state, not where Iran hit. more like Third Wave New Wave filmmaking.
Dirg: and Bokeem Woodbine. Bokeem Woodbine scares me, he plays a gansta too well, the way he spits when he smiles and holds a gun, his teeth always look like they're gonna bite me!
Laertus: he's a business man in real life. i have so much sympathy for Lisa Nicole Carson, i hope she gets another starring role soon. she's so empathetic here. and she was Dr. Benton's sidepiece on ER. universal health scare for mental health. she's not just a pair of tits, Dirg. she's the dressmaking pal and confidant from Pretty In Pink.
Dirg: i always get her confused with LisaGay Hamilton.
Dirg: why you gotta end the dad? he's an Oscar winner! very talented. fathers always get it in Hollywood. the father was just being a man! fine, send him to rehab with that whiny Winehouse. but shot dead? how do you pronounce Treach? is it teacher or treacherous?
Laertus: you gotta admit, this is a DEPRESSING movie. i mean the brother is so lost he kills the only love the other brother ever had---his ticket out of the ghetto---simply cos he can't lose him to her, he is that desperate. he's never known what love is save for this man. no other woman, no woman at all. so he shoots himself dead. that poor mother.
Eye: gotta change the bars on those carnival rides, it's too easy to molest. getting groped while eating sticky popcorn. you're stuck in that teacup!
Dirg: i loved that carnival! everyone on those grounds was carrying and waving around their guns and nobody cared at all! they just walked on by, i mean i've heard of open-carry in this state but that was ridiculously awesome! i love the love story of a black man and a black woman, i really do love that.
Eye: loved the Greyhound depot painted up as high art. you can tell which bus stops make the effort. i've had some of my greatest fucks in the sticky seats of a Greyhound bus while the bus was moving along a highway.
Laertus: same. i mean i've had many experiences in a Greyhound bus, it's the people's mover. it's the po folk who tell tales. i took a Greyhound to Disneyland once, when we got there, they let us become one of the rides at the park...
Laertus: they're gonna hold the General Election vote at Disneyland...
Eye: there's this romanticization of escape, the escaping from a bad place and going to a good place, the desperate desire to be better, to go to a Shangri-La outside of your immediate experience. the sunset never seen and the bridge, where suicide really is said lineread as a castoff joke. it's the romanticization of the bus as the tool to do it. the bus becomes what trains were a century ago. and i LOVE that we're offered the dream ending as the ending. not the cold hard slab ending where Jada's young life and appreciation of fragile beauty and all that potential in her small frame ends randomly for no good reason---a beautiful soul snuffed out---but rather their love worked, it was enough. it endured, and they made it out! they won! this Bonnie & Clyde of love won! it is the true romantic ending we yearn for in film. the only thing was i thought this film would be Jason seducing Lyric with verses of poetry, like prison poetry or something. g'night, folks.
Jada: this was not the alternate ending, this is the ending. i made sure of it, the producers listened to me even then.
Michael Weiss on stage: my entire Instagram apparatus is really just an excuse for me to talk online to two or three particular hot celebrity babes...
Pat knows who at least one of those celebrity babes is. Pat is in his dorm room, Pat knows Julia Ioffe is watching Michael Weiss from the auditorium eaves in her usual spot, hanging like a monkey shirt off bra loosened sucking on a banana lemondrop. the tendrils of her vagina so long and S-shaped they hang her by the upper ceiling-crossbars outside to the cold roof as she hangs in the air and swings around like a trapeze artiste. her vulva provides the Tom Cruise rope. Pat watches Julia watch Michael through his telescope in his room. Pat's telescope, Pat's room. Pat wonders out loud what Julia is thinking right now. Pat leans back in his swivel-chair and puts his unwashed hands behind his head on his neck. then he remembers: no blowjobs tonight. Pat tries to take off his shoes but they're stuck. stuck on his feet, stuck in his head.
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