i love that picture of him in the plaid pre-grunge shirt, makes him look like if Isaac Asimov were a hippie professor on a radical campus in the '60s. sure, there are other sex manuals: Aristotle's no-taboos one and the Vedas come to mind, the Vedas which is wisdom so old it's older than the invention of paper so not all the wisdom is there, but for my pet rock The Joy of Sex is the grooviest sex manual of all time. i mean it was published in the '70s, man, y'know, it's sex for shaggies.
1. what is the most annoying thing to you during foreplay or sex? going straight into the sex without any foreplay, do you know how difficult that is?! like not even a kiss before. it's impossible.
2. tell us something you really wanted to do but let someone talk you out of when deep down you wanted to do it?
become an actor. i was so close. i was in that line in Encino when i was 6 with all the other Hollywood child actors. but i got out of that line when the original Annie on Broadway, well the local broadway production at our town, dropped some knowledge in my ear. she whispered to me that i was doomed if i continued onward down this road line and forward in this line and life, my life would never be manageable. it would consist of beatings in my dressing room with stool legs and pee running down my leg in the hot circular lights of my mirror.
i am the only person who ever lived who WANTED to be a child actor! i didn't care about the burnout later, i simply wanted to be IN the television shows i was currently watching. i wanted people to laugh at me as i recited written jokes.
3. during sex are you more orgasm-centered or going for an all-out enjoyable experience with connection? i've never orgasmed. i know that may seem strange. all that cum on the walls? mayonnaise. even having "Mayonaise" by the Smashing Pumpkins playing in the background didn't help. that Iha is so cool he doesn't need an extra n. i do my best to try to make the woman cum but i guess i'm not a good lover. i actually like to read during sex. yeah i'm so busy sex is the only free time i have to read my books. my Foucault and Stu articles from the SNL Newsletter and some cold-pressed berry juice. we should all be making the male/female connection through books anyway, right? leave the sex out of it till way later.
4. when was the last time you sought to introduce new activities in the bedroom? what did you want to introduce? did you and your lover do the new sexual activity? Pete Davidson. not in a threesome, just having him on the couch chair in the corner there watching us. Pete with his hair dyed back brown tossing back green tic-tacs as he stares at us...
5. finish the sentence: i would enjoy spending an entire day alone_______
what, i don't get it. what do you mean, this is my life. this is how i've spent my entire life from day one of incarnation one. there has never been anything enjoyable about this. loneliness is crisp clean depression.
bonus: if you had to sum up the internet in one word, what would it be? regrettable
go Cubbies! win one for the Gipper, for the Vedder, and for Bill Murray!
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2 comments:
We have the original Joy of Sex. My Master bought it for me to spark up some variety for me, or interest, but the people in the drawings are sooooo hilariously 70s. In the 80s we really enjoyed making fun of the 70s look. So, that was fun.
ancilla: The Joy of Sex was my first introduction to sex. i must have been 8 or 9. up until then, I got a little squeamish when I watched He-Man but that was it. I hid that book under my bed like it was my first Playboy or something. it was so embarrassing when my mom found it under said bed while vacuuming one afternoon. it was two tight glances between us, not a word said, and we never mentioned it again.
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