COLLEGE MIXER

notes:

* ah, the good ol' days of college football, when it wasn't a good-ol'-boys club. USC was atop its rightful place uh perch in the world as the eternal Number 1 and the world was basking in the California sun. and freshly-squeezed avocado juice. Pete Carroll was still the cool surfer-uncle who knew when to throw it and was Zen Master Jr., and the world could still enjoy a prank, and Lane Kiffin was......well Lane Kiffin but he schemed and sweated abnormally for our side. when Alabama started ascending the sport REALLY became boring, and civilization started to fall apart and crumble, did you notice that?

* spoilers: this thing starts off SLOW but picks up towards the end

* Eddie Murphy already did all this, but nobody seems to talk about Eddie Murphy anymore…

* not purple drank. purple seats

* Jesus rooted for Appalachian State in the Big House...

* born-again Christians are the only real Christians

* you had me at meemaw but lost me at chorizo

* i actually think the main character here has a fabulously unique look, that could carry a series WHEN NOT IF it gets picked up? adult swim is inextricably intertwined with the college scene, that's their audience, so chances are likely. they love all this college-football shit, even more than Claymation.

* aren't you a little young to be a university president?

* not Louis CK

* the dazzler new uniforms came from Carrie Underwood's line, we tried to get Kellie Pickler but those only came in one size.

* don't know a lot of daddies. i guess they were at work. working at a strip club is still honest work.

* your coaches don't know nuttin', they're the elites, they're the system that's bringing you down. psst, let me tell you a secret: they all work for a college. who you gonna trust, the fresh-as-hell dancer or Louis CK?

* pray this is half as entertaining as Paul Finebaum's Follies. you think those callers are plants but the beauty of it is they're not.

* Kendra is the writer's wife, must be

* why is there so much infighting in the state of Alabama? don't you know the war eagle is from there?

* a criminal is just a future Christ supporter with the praying at a football game, taking a knee.

* i'm fucking Ron Howard! nope, Solo was better than people expected! next time i'll cast Hope Solo as female Han!

* i was so tired from practice all i could chase was a chaser which helped me sleep...

* titties have nothing to do with this discussion

* see, this is why i never played college sports, i'm just not into PlayStation, never have been since the 1.0 came out.

* why is soliciting a prostitute such a big deal anymore? if you don't get sued...sue back until a court forces you to reveal records. do not get pregnant until you're in one of those ceremonies where you turn to your mate and tell her only you and she shall share each others' liquids. stay hydrated, my friends.

* if you eat all these sweet treats, you can ONLY be a linebacker. but at least you won't get a concussion. you're not sponging off your daddy's money, at least you HAD a daddy!

* have you noticed that NOBODY is celebrated for being a painter anymore?

* here's my stud wide-out. he's been confined to a walker but at least he gets to sit his fat ass on an official ANU pillow.

* don't worry, it's not the Kramer Painting.

* those aren't dimebags, coach, those are two doves. football is the sport of peace.

* crying bowls of soup………...oh god.....now that i think about that, is that what's in those tiny tin Campbell red-and-white cans?

* Bill Bisco: previous watcher of Roseanne. WON'T be watching The Conners

* Bisco: Roseanne!
pres: what!?
Bisco: Roll Tide!

* pres: get to steppin' and get that dimebag out my bureau drawer i use to pay the players' mamas. posthaste and with haste. hey man, what's with the red eye?!
player: roll damn tide!
pres: red is the color of ALL the state of Alabama, son, calm your britches, tiny. at least when people were on bath salts it was funny.

* spoilers: let's just say the special effects in this special are special, wink wink

* coach: here's what we're gonna do. swoop in and action plan. let's Khashoggi…
players: we don't know what that means! we don't go to classes!

* adult-swim president: we can't show that...even on adult swim.
pres: listen Lazzo, none of it will be real. the killer's a cyborg and i'm a clone...

* pres: i want get those good Doctor Who cameras on me! photorealistic filmic lens out in the South African desert where i'm from! am i glossy? talkin' bout already powdered my nose that's racist man. this knife is rubber, man, for Halloween, it slides in and out, up and down, back out and in.

* folks, this is the WWE hype part of the show. it's all scripted reality tv. hate doesn't really exist in this world.

* beef: making me hungry for chorizo

* get yer body right. get yer grades right. if your grades are sagging, get yer body right so you can tutor with your teacher alone to get yer grades right. men and women both have tits.

* pepperoni? nah, i always get pepperoni.

* bump baby...uh, nevermind. sell 'em out! then BOYCOTT BOYCOTT BOYCOTT!!!

* pres: i felt good about that take.
Lazzo: you were a little glossy.

* famous last preview for the next episode which will never air...

* dude is so fancy he keeps his candy apple in a glass case

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. things are not looking good for my Dodgers. whenever you get depressed, listen to the dulcet tones of Neil deGrasse Tyson explain...anything. even Tinder, which he did once.