IF YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR, YOU DON'T HAVE A LIFE

notes:

* Uber New Management uh Under New Management

* uncle: so before i jam you all into the car, you remembered your sandwiches for soccer practice, right?
children: yes, dad's bro. speaking of jam, they were peanut-butter sandwiches. we wish we could get ham sandwiches but ham sandwiches take too much time, we had to do the sandwiches ourselves cos you're always too busy.
uncle: did you remember the most important thing in soccer?
children: the ball?
uncle: shin guards. shin gaurds. kids are cruel.

* abuelo: okay mi nina mi corazon, we're gonna have to use that red-and-white-checkered-squared dress you have on for all of our picnic blanket if the weather starts getting rough. we only have enough money for the sandwiches. the ants live here free.
granddaughter: why do i get the feeling this is only the beginning of the treatment people like me are gonna be getting from now on? why did you have to buy a Ford La Migra?
abuelo: it's to fool them, miel, you gotta roleplay to survive.
granddaughter: i never thought i'd say this in my life, but i want an Uber instead.

* Loren Bouchard: hi, i'm the new CEO of Uber. we made some mistakes in the past, like that Wells Fargo stagecoach fiasco, but we're learning and more importantly we're listening. Arby's now has burgers...

* little girl: is daddy coming soon, mommy?
mommy: could take while. he's in an Uber.

* woman in yellow shirt: it's about a woman wearing a yellow hat. no pet monkey. stays in the country to help it out. i'm writing it now, can you please stop with all the speedbumps?
Uber driver: them's the breaks, ma'am. as in i have no brakes. those aren't speedbumps, they're potholes. we gotta wait for the Domino's guys to close them.
woman: you never know when inspiration will strike. this is my second draft. no my TENTH draft!
Lin-Manuel hits her plastic window hard with his fist and smiles at her with his Puerto-Rican profile Greek-profile mouth bearded with Grecian Formula.

* good on you, Uber. and it wasn't just a quick-as-lightning moment like Buick did to cover their flaky asses in Ginsburn panties.

* man: don't worry, my parents will love you. what they don't love is my The Weeknd hair.

* pregnant woman: what's with the unicorn bibby? do you have something to say to me?
man: ...

* old couple: so this is gonna be our first date.
man: yeah we wasted our whole lives just working. we never had any fun.
woman: what's a waterpark?
man: a park with water. like a stone Ginsburn birdbath i'm assuming.

* Uber driver: push the red hand for stop, that makes sense, i'm assuming that's not a bloody hand. and i proudly wear my BLUE hat...with the S for Slytherin, THAT's my tribe!

* pregnant woman: so we're pregnant and none of our family could make it, huh? we had to get an Uber.
man: wait, WE'RE pregnant?

* man: hey folks, this is my boyfriend. by folks i mean family in the South.
family: we love him, he's so cool and chibi and Japanimation! it's not that we don't love you, we just love your new boyfriend's Harry Potter glasses better.

* old couple: do we know how to dance?
woman: i thought the dancing was the getting out of the Uber, i'm bushed!
man: ah, the good ol' days...

* redheaded nurse: hi, get into this wheelchair, you're about to pop!
pregnant woman: don't make fun of my Donald Duck waddle-walk, i like the new DuckTales better, okay? is that okay with you?! i don't trust you, you have red hair! i'd point at you but my fingers are swollen.
reheaded nurse: you need not concern your little, uh, head, ma'am, i'm a pro.
pregnant woman: do you believe in Jesus or science?
redheaded nurse: well i'm a ginger so i believe in the soul but i have no soul so i believe in science.

* businesswoman: don't worry, i know this is a scary long grey pole i'm carrying over my back like a kalashnikov but it's just the blueprints of the building. not for any purpose other than to showcase my architectural designs for improvement! no powder in there just a portfolio and Bieber Wedding poster.

* parents: you look like that Alibaba CEO with the strange smushed face.
bespectacled boyfriend: are they? is this a test of my American citizenship?
The Weeknd man: don't worry, honey, take it from me, when they insult you it means they like you. they've insulted me my whole life. there is no such thing as American heritage anymore.
bespectacled boyfriend: Jack Ma? Jack Ma is what happens when God draws an anime character.
mother: *hugs boy with glasses* oh that is so sweet! you already refer to me as your mother!

* old woman: fuck this honky-tonk bar with salsa dancers who serve salsa and smoke coming out of a hookah fashioned from an accordion and dancing snakes! you never said there would be a dartboard! i got a dart in my spotty glass of tonic-water and my husband got a dart up his nose!
old man: cleared my sinuses.

* women: we're not lesbians, we just REALLY like antiquing together.
woman 1: you sure? i like 'em old.
woman 2: you trying to get me to reveal my age or talking about the antiques?
woman 1: that kiss on the mouth wasn't a friend kiss.
woman 2: i was wiping off all that oil from your lips when you went to kiss our yellow Victrola, its steampunk-umbrella cover has a lot of grime.
woman 1: i'm gonna need you to remove your dress and have it act as our picnic blanket, i spent all our money on the Victrola.

* man in blue hat: that's my daughter! she's gonna be in MLB someday!

* folk: are you an Uber driver or a cabbie?
George RR Martin: both, i have a scruffy gray beard.
folk: so.........
George RR Martin: not yet. think of me as the Mueller of Dragons.
folk: what does the RR stand for?
George RR Martin: Really Regretful.

* old man: i'm swinging around my new dance partner.
old woman: with my blessing. i'm just gonna stay doing the splits with my legs on this cold floor for 15 more minutes.
old man: i love you.
old woman: thank you. we've renewed our vows in spirit. and in the spirit world we will both enter anon.
old man: i don't know if my new dance partner is a girl or guy.

* warning: spoilers: Uber is not available in all areas. like it's basically just Brooklyn. and it's too expensive.

* son: daddy, can i look at the stars through a telescope?
dad: just use my hand, son.
son: daddy, are you gonna drop me off at school tomorrow morning bright 'n early?
dad: no, son, there's no point in learning about this world. this world is shit.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. alright, Dodgers, okay, let's do this again as TOM introducing Pop Team Epic would say. it really should be TOMami, not Toonami. it's so funny, i ONLY become interested in baseball in October!