TMIT: I DON'T WANNA KNOW I JUST WANNA BLOW (TOKE FOR YOUR TROUBLES?)

1. tell us about the last road trip you made. when? where did you go? how long was the overall trip? did you go alone? did you have fun?

i figured out where Banksy lived so i went over there cos it's a national landmark now, his or her birthhome. still nobody knows who Banksy is but everyone knows where he lives. or she, could be The Doctor. just this month, after that youtube vid dropped. i think i'm still on the trip...

we all travel this life alone. fun is relative to the distance you are away from relatives. and potential new relatives who live in the future after you take your 23-and-me DNA test.

btw we got there in plenty of time. but then i had to look at the roadmap. it took an hour just to fold-out the folding thing. then i realized Banksy had shred the map in his shredder…

2. do you love to travel? in my head, yes. i'd love to travel for real but this costs a non-bitcoin thing known as money in the Lower 48. i still have the overarching goal to eventually become one of those Instagram travelogue bloggers who gets paid to post on insta and gets friends paid for him by the company. well, followers anyway, makes your statsheet look good as your heart slowly breaks.

3. what's the best place you've been? do you want to go back? going back is the inescapable truth of closure. and my closure is slippery when wet. you see for years now i've been on a wily self-willed quest to reach nirvana. i just thought they were a cool band and went with it. it's a spiritual journey undertaken which must take place inside one's soul, to look around in there and see what psych roadblocks i find. only through the path within can you achieve without. so i built myself one of those submarines that i miniaturized and have been traveling inside my bloodstream for years. i'm typing this to you presently inside my stream which honestly looks a bit low on cells. you know it probably would have been easier if i had just constructed a tiny submarine...

4. would you travel for sex? have you traveled more than 50 miles just to have sex? i have and it wasn't pretty, never doing that again, got in trouble. like everyone else, i fell in love with Ed Sheeran. it must be Ed's red hair cos red is the color of love. anyway i traveled all the way to his hometown cos google maps said there was gonna be a party and met with as it turned out his lookalike doppelganger who strangely went to the same school as Ed---at the same time? that's wild if so. the one featured in the video. so we hung out at the Castle on the Hill that night with no campfire, only lit by our smoky Skins red cigarette tips. then the bailiff came in the next morning with his hay-soaked baton and said to get the hot fuzz out of his bailiwick cos i had exceeded the 50 miles. i was at 51 miles...damn you google maps...

5. what sexual act or sex position do you struggle with doing? kissing. cos it's a trick. i don't mean there's a certain trick to it, i mean that it's always a trick. i've been fooled time and time again by practicing on a lemon. next time i kiss, i'm gonna practice on a strawberry cos i'm getting older and liver spots are starting to spot up.

bonus: what are you into but have not told anyone? Fortnite. look, i didn't want to join a herd, but, well, see, my dad plays it and i want to connect with him cos i think he's cool and this is the only way for fathers and sons to connect now. i know all sons think their father is their hero, but in this case it's true. my dad is so cool. my dad is Kylo Ren:

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i'm not much of a dancer, despite my skewed delusions that i might be cos i'm double-jointed and all, but i did the dance. alone in my room i practiced---trained with a rubber grey forehead---day and night till my sheets became wet. eventually i got so good i was able to impress my local pizza guy who gave me free pizza but i still had to pay for the gaseous root beer:

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