notes:
* i know i know, all commercials now are uncreative and designed solely to pawn off on you the latest in tech-junk....................except this one, this one was actually good
* me: what's so funny about google?
google: nothing, we never wanted this awesome responsibility over people's thoughts. we wanted Beyonce to handle the hivemind with her Beyhive. we were once a modest mom-and-pop hanging precariously over a cliff in Manhattan Beach. we sold wetsuits, illegal fishspears, and goggles. and then came The Day of the Fatal Typo...
* me: do you have to be a pixie to use this?
google: we're trying to bring back the pixiecut...for boys...
* me: how many pixels?
google: how many do you want? we can go infinitely down the rabbit hole, or the turtle hole as you young John Green environmentalist conscientious-obstructers would say. we've been holding out on you for centuries this whole time, we let loose one of our secrets every decade or so and charge exorbitantly according to the cohort.
* google: we got 7 million youtube subscribers.
me: honestly that seems a little lean and inflated.
* me: what's bottom shot?
google: confiscated.
* friend: wait, i wasn't ready! my eyes look like i'm hyphy off Jar-Jar Juice!
other friend: it's fine, we can fix it. no problem, i'll just slide this new Pixel...
friend: i'm Amber Rose, bitch!!! i own the definitive quote on condoms!!! i married a cop, Ice-T, i'm the first sista who got in the inside!!!
* me: Sinatra or Sinatra, Jr.?
google: does it matter? it's not Buble. we need Canadians to heal the world now, we stopped doing it. i hope Buble starts singing again soon...
* Gilligan: hi i'm Gilligan. i've been away for a VERY long time, as you can see from my tan.
* that's not a thumb, that's a skin-colored UFO, which are the most-savage kind, their probes are otherworldly
* dudes: did you get our Black Swan dives? ironically we wouldn't have mastered this technique if we didn't spend hours looking at film of Greg Louganis.
chicks: you got our bikinis, right? okay, girls, let's bounce, our instagram-modeling is through for the day. i'm sure the fellas will be all right, they are Fellows at the college after all. quick let's get back! our moms are gonna kill us if they park their minivans at the park before we slide back onto the field. we should be at soccer practice right now!
* boy: this is my Jedi lightsaber.
mom: i'm worried, it's red. like your eyes.
boy: too much Cherry Mountain Dew. i'm already a gamer. that's not a moptop on my head, those are my headphones.
* aqua friend: Merry Christmas!
other aqua friend: it's Halloween.
aqua friend: then why are you wearing a candy-cane for a wetsuit?
candycane: where are all the hot guys?
other: this isn't water-yoga. you look like Jar-Jar Juice with that expression.
candycane: i like juice in jars.
other: no, Jar Jar Binks. he is now my friend and you are not.
* mom: your 1st-birthday party pics got a little gnarly there, dear, but you won't remember this party. neither will i, nobody comes to 1st-birthday parties.
* college student: what are you trying to tell me by flapping your long green tie in my face?
college student: that i'm a John Green environmentalist. i sting like the Green Hornet.
* not a photobomb, fat kid who genuinely likes cake
* no such thing as bad sushi/ eating hair is healthy/ a true love-bird will hide the kiss from the public so you can use tongue
* father: son, you're blocking the view of the breaching humpback!
son: don't talk about mom like that, dad.
father: hey, weren't you the kid from Free Willy? who got arrested?
son: no free-my-willy jokes at this difficult time.
* me: this is why i hate frats.
google: they're not from a frat, they're sick. alcohol poisoning.
me: well now i feel bad.
* google: these folk aren't disgusted at the state of the world, they merely shot the flash right in their eye and it took them aback. it's that thing where you think the camera is turned outward but it's really turned inward toward your face, we patented the name suicide selfie for it but decided not to market that and kept that in our vault.
me: the Grand Canyon can never not look pretty. it's probably better to get Grand Canyon shots minus the people anyway.
* Christina Aguilera doesn't want the world to know she really has curly hair...
* dog: what is humans' fascination with staring at a little box? when you have this whole big beach as your litterbox!
* girl: great. you fixed the picture of us on the beach with the dog. but i still look like a moron. we're breaking up.
other girl: who you callin' a dog?!
* frat diver: oh yeah, that's cool, makes us look like we're defying time and space. like all good Fellow college students, we're rebels against the system of the universe. are you not entertained and impressed? will you go out with us now? we're like magicians, dealers of the dark Mickey-Mouse-course arts like Thanos or some shit, we have a car like Thanos. hey, where did the girls go?
other frat diver: Tokyo 2020?
frat diver: i called Coach Louganis on my tiny watch and he said we were weak.
other: i'm sure he just meant our discipline is lacking. we could always become pearl divers.
frat diver: quiet, not so loud, they'd never understand our love for Pearl. we said we'd discuss this further AFTER the Steven Universe hiatus.
other: hey, i like Pearl as much as the next man. they say she's not real and just pencil-lines on a page but they're just jealous. although it is kinda weird how you're always licking the page when we're alone drawing together on your frat desk.
frat diver: liking the page, i'm liking the page not licking...
CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
happy weekend, my babies. Dodgers and Red Sox, like those old-timey days back in Brooklyn. don't want to jinx it, i already did. it's gonna be weird rooting in the Fall Classic cos the Red Sox have already enacted revenge for us for last season, so i could go for either team. it's a San Antonio Spurs situation where they lose the ring that should have been theirs on a last-second three-pointer in the corner and spend all offseason in their dark corners and come back the next season with a furious push stomping out the regular season like it don't matter---like it's an invisible match---to get to the playoffs with a satanic quickness in order to capture that ring---by inking a deal in their blood---that was theirs last year. so now they have this ring that really counts as two rings and the devil is smiling cos most humans don't get such an opportunity for a grand second-chance like this to make amends. most have to live with the eternal pain of what-could-have-been, never getting another chance to improve their lives...
No comments:
Post a Comment