1. do you like tattoos? do you have any tattoos? didn't used to. always thought they were the domain of the delinquent, prison wives, and those guys on motorcycles with the grey beards which would get tangled on the bike handles. but then something snapped in me in college...
...i guess i finally had the freedom and the whole 18 thing so i went for it. i went crazy for it actually, got three tattoos in one semester. four, there's one unaccounted for i know i got but it's missing on my body. this isn't a beer thing, i hate the bitter taste of beer, still don't know why beer is so popular, it tastes disgusting. (life hack: don't wear a toga while drinking beer, you're gonna do a lot of laundry later.) it's more of a coffee thing, i wanted to be refined and intellectual and a man of the people so i inked myself in accordance with the gutter i lived on. a tai-chi symbol which my fellow classmates called the Curb Circle (, dubbed me out for it, pointed at me sneeringly, and these were my friends), a brown cross that wasn't supposed to be so WIDEBOY it was supposed to be more angular and taller so that was a mistake, and a Chinese symbol on the small of my back that i have no idea what it means now after all these years. sue me, it was the early 00s still. (i have no money, i'm still technically a college student.) i wanted to stroll down the Berkeley boulangerie as if it were Sartre's Paris, wearing my beret and my newly-minted ink like a coat, these three tats no one could see under my clothes...
...i guess tho actually it came down to me proving to myself i was a man. i'm a very skinny boy so if i could survive the executioner's blood-tipped needle, i could survive life. did i scream? yes, later that night in bed...................alone into my pillows as normal.
2. how did you pick your online profile name? i used to write and compile endless lists but my priest-psychiatrist told me i had a psychosis: i was either a collector or a hoarder he couldn't tell. or an organizer, i should run for office. the phoenix is the bird of mythos who laughs---crows?---at death and rises from the ashes on its cheeks even after being killed in the ring of a disgusting cockfight for sport. but my phoenix is late to the party. or he's stuck in traffic. i'm not from Phoenix as everyone thinks.
3. what's one saying you try to live by? in order to live, you must die................i saw this on the back of a box of matches, or was it the back of the envelope? anyway, i took it to mean you must die from your old life and reincarnate anew into a new one. in the same life, not talking about past lives here, same life/different profession/wild calling. so, after that, i left my job at Cracker Barrel and became a fireman................it was my Cracker Barrel Breakthrough, otherwise known as my Cracker Barrel Croak...
4. what was the last bad meal you ate? why was it so awful? Cracker Barrel but let's not go there. it was a McDonald's plain hamburger. it seemed alright in my stomach but i came home to that Wendy's commercial about how McDonald's has always been flash-frozen from the start. now that i had thought about it, i had sensed an icicle in my McMeat which i used as a toothpick. i marched my skinny ass all the way onto the McDonald's parquet roof and asked to see the manager. the manager gave me a flash dance in the bathroom and all was well.
5. when was your last bad sexual encounter? why was it so awful? i'd say McDonald's but let's not dredge that back up again. i've been pretty lucky in my life, when you're a monk the ladies all want to be with you and the fellas all want to be you. but you have a nice built-in excuse and you just walk on by in your beret on top of your hood and your shaded eyeglasses from the '70s.
bonus: tell us something random:
where do you come down on the whole Coming to America thing? in this tribalist America we live in now we have to choose a side whether we want to or not, it's in our contract. Art Buchwald or Eddie Murphy? me? personally? it doesn't matter, it's a fine film. even John Landis who saw Murphy transform into Mr. Hyde on set and called him bacon said at the afterparty after all the pool-cleaning strife, he could still acknowledge that Eddie delivered a fine film performance. in the end, the squabbling fades, the threats hope there were none temper, and the art is what immortals.
besides, all that matters is that Eddie's progeny are members of the Spice Royal House, which is what the Zamundan government was based on.
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