DRAW THE WORLD: PAT

Robert Mueller has been contemplating this for quite some time. he sits Indian-style floating not gloating in the air, inside of the substance of the Washington Monument, in the very fabric unseen to the general public, where he hides and thinks. he unlatches from his position and begins to scale down the long sharp pipe often mistaken for a really good smoke or Hawaiian skewer. he jumps onto the White House roof, just a hop and a skip, and raises his arms in the air.

the public has wanted more from him, have wanted him to speak, to counter the administration's rampant news conferences with one of his own. they were sure he'd make a small statement when President Bump insulted him on twitter, but no, Bob always kept his tongue and this ribald science of silence would spark wild flights of fancy, imagination nation as to what he had or didn't have, if they would be disappointed with the result. not quite the hammer but rather a ballpeen. like when you realize you're going to prom but the prom is on a basketball court.

Bob makes sure his sharp kneecaps aren't sliding together into a trembling puzzle and---in the shape of King Kong---declares to the world, who isn't listening at this very moment cos something else is going on and in:

Mueller: THIS ISN'T A GAME TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Laertus: the world is a scary place. the world is doing something which we nerds simply cannot countenance: it's not behaving like a scripted tv-drama. we geeks don't do well with reality. we don't like to think or react too much, we just like to be entertained. fuck fathoming the future, there are shows to watch and teach us!

Dirg: would you mind not sleeping and stepping so close to me on this chair?

Laertus cuffs his Doctor Who ear cuff with his fingers.

Laertus: tell me your problems. tell me how to fix the world. i'm listening. the first step is to listen to each other, really listen. it's cuffin season you know.

Dirg: SVU...

Laertus: what is up with that show? you got Amanda git preggers from some unknown cardiologist, the fans wanted her with Carisi, it's too obvious and a simple writing exercise! what's the point otherwise?

Dirg: and you had that strange tale were Carisi had a girlfriend but ALL of those scenes were excised from the broadcast episode so it was like Carisi never had that relationship. i feel sorry for the woman who played his girlfriend thinking she has a steady gig. and don't get me started on the Rosa Parks Who.

Laertus: can a song be both cheesy and make me cry at the same time?

Dirg: come on, man! i don't go to Who for a history lesson. or worse, edutainment. i go for lasers and bloody fistbrawls Freddie Mercury and Queen would be proud of and things blowing up. i want to see can on screen.

Laertus: can you believe they replaced that poor girl who did a tepid review of the first Bob's Burgers of the season? give the girl a break, it was a long soccer summer, she wasn't into it yet, needed to get her feet wet at Seymour's Bay. wasn't back yet in the mind, i have them same feels. feel bad for her, she was so sweet they knew she'd never talk back and just accept it. girl with glasses and purple hair, story of my life.

Dirg: *sleepily* tru tru but it was nice to get Alasdair Wilkins back at AV CLUB. turns out for only a week.

Laertus: Alasdair is badass Brooklyn. straight talk like flat pizza. he's the one nerd who rounds his words into weapons of spear, not fear. makes us all believe for the moment of his review that all of us aren't wasting our lives away watching tv. that this is a noble profession, a worthwhile pursuit. that boy makes me feel it.

Dirg: just goes to show all these new fly-by-night tech sites fold flat like a deck of kit houses against the asphalt. here today, Frond tomorrow. what seems like the future now is the past if you stroll a campus hard enough. Diamond Is Unbreakable?

Laertus: i so wanted to do my hair waffle like that, but apparently the Americans and Armenians got into it too late, the Japanese were two years ahead of us on the hair head. thanks, toonami! at first i was entranced by the comic-book colors, i liked the different aspect-ratio aspect of it, all the bright pastel paneling, made the anime literally look like the manga. but then it got REALLY boring. it's only picked up recently with the Misery mama. i look for relationships in stories, ones that defy the tropes. relationships make series(es?) interesting, not bro fights. two humans interacting with tears and words.

Dirg: i've been telling you, womens be crazy. i gotta go.

Laertus: oh? you're leaving me first this time?

Dirg: i got a life. well i'm meeting someone. someone very important. will determine my future.

Laertus: you see these cheeks, honey? not blushing. i'm civilized and sophisticated. i had an apple for lunch. no girl ain't gonna come between us. a real man will.

Takahashi recognizes that Pete Davidson is in a fragile state and is in no condition. so it's the perfect time and setting for a nature walk! well another nature walk, back to nature-walking for Pete since the boy has no home no more to go back to.

Takahashi: this is perfect. you took so long talking i had time to fashion a walking stick from your straw. you don't have to talk anymore, my dude, just walk.

the two reach the end of the campus-line and to the spot where the clearing should be. there seems to be an invisible film just out of eyesight, but they can hear the cobwebs forming all around them like glacial airdrops. the bridge is out, like it was kicked out by a hobbit. a large soaked mattress printed with blue buds floats atop the dead waves of the river, unable to get through the watery path, stuck as if in a loop, blocked by some unknown force.

the two reconvene at the MSNBC Studios where they film SNL. Pete has been gabbing on his Pear Phone this whole time.

Takahashi: if you talk too much, your lips will get puffy.

Pete: babe, it's just that...i never got to experience being your husband.

Ariana: i know, babe, but isn't this better? my lawyers think so. we can sever and not have to deal with the fallout from a messy divorce.

Pete: please don't use that word. the first word. i'm in a very emotional state right now, i'm crazier than normal. you stabilized me. don't you think we should work on it some more? it wasn't even cheating which is scandalous! this is a meeting of the minds and the mating of a lifetime, and we let petty work schedules get in the way? we have to fight for our love, not fight for our various tours and circuits, we're flesh. we must stem the tide of that thing millennials do when they bail at the first sign of trouble. goddammit we young people get bored too easily!!!

Ariana: we would have made a committed couple, if we had put in the time.

Pete: *crying* it's just...….i thought after 9/11 my world was gone. i had no friends, cos all the alt-righters were shocked i didn't join them and shunned me. thought you YOU were the one thing i had to hang onto in my closet, proof that there was still some good in God up there watching over me. i had no dad but i had a dime.

Ariana: i'm crying with you, that isn't static, i swear.

Pete: we're gonna have to make fun of you now on the show. nonstop. well the writers will, not me. you can never guest on SNL again. who do you want playing you in the skits?

Ariana: Rosie O'Donnell. i felt bad she didn't get to play Bannon. or Steve Gannon as you call him. what do you want me to do with your shoes?

Pete: put them in the fridge. as a constant reminder. or storage, whatever. i'm still holding out hope we reconcile and FUCK are my toes gonna feel good in those shoes when i put them on again.

Ariana: here's to a thaw in our nuclear arms race, relations not race. here's to seeing Walt Disney emerge from that block of ice and walk again. the miracle of a magic meeting. here's to having life again be a place where anything seems possible. like Disneyland. kisses, babe, kisses through the coiled phone.

Melbourne is visiting with Roger Federer and a toothbrush.

Fed: is this toothbrush for me? i'm not staying.

Melbourne: for the missus. the little woman has sharp pointy teeth. i forgot if this is my toothbrush or hers. well i guess that's the sign you know you're finally a couple.

Federer: *on the phone* hello, Savannah Guthrie?

Savannah: omg

Federer: don't blush, i will be able to see and spot it. anyway, sorry i couldn't make the interview today...

Savannah: on Today...

Fed: there is no offseason. or finish line. so anyway the 12-12 final set is interesting to say the least, it's gonna make Wimbledon stick out like a sore thumb. tennis won't be tennis anymore if it's not standardized, it will be a different sport to different socio-economic classes of people. the U.S. Open fifth-set tiebreaker should have been the heated harbinger to which the rest of the Majors followed suit, so eventually we'd have the 5th-set tiebreaker in ALL of the Majors. now you're gonna have this uniquely British score of 13-12 that will never be achieved anywhere else, what does that score mean? it is worth more than the 7-6? the grand sacred hallowed sport of tennis is turning into world team tennis with those oversize-head novelty racquets the kids use. we've become the laughingstock of sport! it's a sport to make fun of tennis!

Savannah: generally agree but what about the grandeur of that last set going till there's two? the French might want to keep that allure that is uniquely of their particular Grand Slam. their tradition of time and existentialism, it's very Parisian.

Roger: why is it 12-12 anyway?

Savannah: well, two sets of 6, essentially two-sets' worth.

Fed: oh yeah, i never thought of that. i can explain this to you further in-depth Kobe-Bryant-style if you want me to come over to your house.

Savannah: i have a lifesize cardboard cutout of you that i prop up who tends my underground bar.

Melbourne: *cutting in* that's not weird, buddy, don't worry. need the phone, incoming.

Laertus: ask Roger about the World Series.

Dirg: he wouldn't know.

Roger: i don't care and goodbye. i'm gonna go get my free Taco Bell Doritos Locos Taco now.

Dirg: you still want to talk ball, just the two of us?

Laertus: might as well, this is gonna be a short Series. you know, i know why that pitcher got sick for two weeks and had to hospital. it's not easy coming out and being the first gay icon in the sport.

Dirg: what the hell earth you talkin' bout, Willis.

Laertus: that pitcher who got infected cos he had to take his bellybutton ring out. very-brave chap, i admire him.

Gladyce: Doryce dear, see the El Volcan taco truck?!

Doryce: yeah?

Gladyce: that's a real volcano stuck in that truck been causing all the recent volcanic activity in Guatemala and Peru. stickered on there with a flattening spell. i'll get it out with one stop of my wand. there, it stopped.

taco-truck driver: hey you gals want in on some dogs?

Doryce: not while you're serving, Pedro. your name really is Pedro. i'll make my own tostada with nature's lettuce: grass. you know the salad kits you buy, dear, are for 3 servings, yes, that's right, 3 servings of salad in one of those pouches.

Gladyce: THIS WHOLE TIME! and you didn't tell me? i knew i was eating too much, i always had the funny feeling in my turnt tummy afterwards like, man this is a lot of salad! and i don't even like salad! i buy it for you! no wonder i was feeling groggy lately. i couldn't float as high and i rememorized my entire spellbook cos i thought it was me!

Doryce: 3 servings, babe. i don't eat salad, i eat grass. i don't like food that isn't junk. take an insta, there aren't that many bonafide tostada-trucks in this world. endangered species.

Gladyce: next time you buy the salad for us at the grocer. i swore i read that package label. great, now i need glasses like you!

Doryce: you were never meant to read it, it was fine print.

Madame Pons: LUSH Ledger, day two supplemental. i'm typing to you today by myself like a crazy fox woman here on the company faltering HP laptop locked in the storeroom cos i'm bored and there are no customers, strangely, during school hours. i thought this was a college. oh shit, i've become a registered blogger, my life is officially over. i am so alone. anyway, no progress on the egg front. but some on the human front. i'm sensing such deep depression on the faces of those strolling the campus. they're like ghosts with no souls, expressionless, gliding, sliding, floating to destination unknown, with no purple-prose purpose. what they thought would be a bridge to a better life is now seen as no life. everyone's waiting, however long it takes, it seems like forever, for life to get back on track, to feel on track, for life to make sense again. for them to feel that these four years aren't gonna be a waste of waiting. these should be their coming-out years, not their lost years. especially the women, i see it on the girls' eyes, they are frightfully scared, terrified of no norms. they put on brave faces as all women in the world must to survive, but i can tell the crack in their makeupped wrinkle. it's like they're using all their pins and needles for the balls of their toes, to tickle them into submission before their men do, not for the patches on their jean sleeves. one young woman came into the shop with one freckle and one bell-push. she almost fainted over after entering she was so out of energy and drained in the lips. i was thinking hard final and offered her our latest soap, a melonballer-colored pumpkin-spice creamsicle ice-cream bar that looks like a double-sticked popsicle but is soap. she talked about how she was entering a new relationship for her and her parents back home would never approve. that she was cut off in college, not free. she staggered over to the bed i keep in my Energy Medicine Room and immediately wetted it firm to soft profusely with her sweat. slept the rest of the week there poor thing, but didn't sleep it off. here demons run deep, as does this sleepy town. i keep hearting posts hearing everybody telling me they want to leave the country but wouldn't know what nation to choose. i just hope the egg helps soon. it's gotta be an Easter Egg for us.

Bump: i'm searching for the real killers. with my friend OJ Simpson, he knows all the black athletes who did it and is an expert at this sort of thing. coverup is an art. we each beforehand sampled that Burger King Nightmare King green burger to get our tank full and our journalistic juices flowing. it's good that OJ is out and can help us like this.

OJ: i think that Nightmare King really isn't a real thing. like it was just for that Dream Corp LLC commercial skit. plus this thing was a burger with both a beef pattie and a chicken filet, it was weird.

Bump: green buns, those environmental chicks are hot and white, OJ.

Dirg: i'm at the temple gates, ready to storm the castle!

Laertus: like a good stormtrooper. true-to-form is an art-form. describe Shangri-la for me.

Dirg: it's a brick mansion...……………...with the red-and-blue gates closed!!! ugh. do love the lattice design in the holes of the gates, very '80s.

Laertus: huh, shoulda been pearly. i don't travel to the froufrou side of campus. like the Cuomos do every day, we just have to take what life brings us each afternoon. deal with the shuffle. it's unexpected, you weren't thinking your day would be like this, would turn out like a pear, like your watch. how do you think Jim and Poppy felt at the start of business today?

Dirg: has Poppy popped yet? the baby i mean.

Laertus: any more trouble online for you?

Dirg: i saw that one thing on twitter. someone replied back to James Woods, said his mom birthed a beta. how dare he scold a veteran of Family Guy! we both loved Family Guy at one time.

Laertus: oh pleeeezzz. not all heroes wear capes. see? tech is good for society! you can't get anything from handling an email but a nasty virus. sweep that mansion for mailboxes. and check Avenue Q. did you get that thing i sent ya?

Dirg: this picture of Patrick Leahy?

Laertus: it's like those kittens on twitter, instantly calms you down. the country will last forever, longer than any stamp.

Dirg: he's a patsy alright.

Laertus: now see it has the opposite affect on me. dredges up past horror-story encounters i've had with the Patriarchy, i need to learn to pat these images down or i can't function in society. anybody else there?

Dirg: just some stupid girl...…………...who looks okay

Eye Luggage stares back at Dirg with eyes which look like two black eyes but are just bad Harley Quinn makeup-jobs. she pounds the table of her lemonade-stand open booth on the edge corner of campus.

Dirg: and what you tryna sell me today?

Eye: the key.

Dirg: to in there?

Eye: i never forget an online face. i'd recognize you anywhere. i can tell from the callouses on your hands that you're a bad drawer. i've seen your work online. i'm everywhere online, by the handle Alexa_Pwns. you were using THIS to get in there?

Eye pulls out Dirg's drawing from the canyon of her blue breasts, one red. the drawing printed on old-fashioned light-green bullethole-sides printer-paper from the '80s.

Eye: what do we have here? so it's a sketch of Male Thor beating the fuck outta Female Thor with Mjolnir...……………………………*awkward silence*…………..bloodying up the beauty in her face......

Dirg: yes, what do we have here...………………………..*softly* whoa