CAPTAIN STABBIN

learned:

* travel changes you. if you have money.

* the wolves will come slowly on your left side. you will find yourself whiting out. that's when the ancient prophecy says you are over.

* she was giving the shocker and switched to the peace sign at the last second when the bonfirelight hit her

* held onto the rail with no hands

* not naked, covered in angelic glow

* pretty soon there won't be any icebergs left...

* kid: no smoking on the bridge, Captain.
Captain: i was eating a chocolate bar.
kid: you look like the real-life verison of that anime captain.
Captain: you watch anime, kid?
kid: sometimes.
Captain: you will never be a captain.

* kid: the force of that disappearing iceberg gave me a haircut!
Captain: kid, it's not safe there!
kid: where?
Captain: anywhere! you're on a boat!

* kid: what are you searching for?
red-helicopter pilot: a red helicopter.

* kid: see the white wolf? he's really a beautifully-drawn handsome young man with long black hair, a starter jacket, and jeans.
woman with earmuffs: how can you tell?
kid: i watch a lot of anime. he's the only white wolf in the pack.
woman with earmuffs: i like your goggles.
kid: i never knew goggles had a purpose. i thought they were just something anime boy protagonists wore to look cool.

* kid: is this my grandma or yours?

* kid: what are you doing?
girl: falling like the waterfall, it's beautiful and spiritual.
kid: the waterfall is water! it won't get hurt! you are not water!

* kid: what do you hear?
woman: i really hope my bikini stays on.

* tourist: i really love the sound of your silver rainstick. the shekere is my favorite instrument.
villager: this is my cocktail shaker.

* tourist: how low can you go?
villager: please, we've never done that here, that is a completely fictional Westernized thing invented in a Madison Avenue office to sell tiki torches so you can play Survivor at home.

* i cheated. i'm not reaching out for another hand. that second hand is my other hand.

* woman 1: will you be my wife?
woman 2: yes. sadly, this is the only place we can do this now, under the cover of a waterfall in secret.
woman 1: we really need to move from this country.
woman 2: luckily, we're frequent travelers.
woman 1: can we get out of this water now? the bruise you scratched on my knee last night during our passion hurts like the motherfucking dickens.

* sloth: i have more instagram followers than you.
girl: that's not fair! why is this the case?
sloth: i'm cute but not fast.
girl: aww, you're reaching out your hand for me to shake.
sloth: no, i'm shooing you away. get outta mah face, kid, ya bother me.

* Captain: it's rare to see change. i've never cut my beard. look up at the stars, that looks like my ex-wife.
woman: *covering up ears* please, Captain, kids are around!
Captain: what, it's yonic. i thought this was the stargazers' tour. the adult stargazers' tour.
woman: have you been drinking again, Captain?
Captain: of course i have! that's the captain's right! why else do we work hard all our lives to achieve this rank?! so we can have our rum at the wheel in private.

* Captain: hey, what are you doing with my ex-wife!? and why do you look exactly like me!?
man: she's your ex-wife. emphasis on ex-.
Captain: that white hair of hers draws me back like a mermaid seductress.

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happy weekend, my babies. gotta go, Johnny Weir just said my name on tv! my screen is currently being filled with Winnie the Poohs and it's not a screensaver