CRONES: HEALERS FROM HELL (II)

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at the Olympics downhill, there is confusion. with the wind delays and other things.

Dan Hicks: there's the slalom. and then the giant slalom. and large hill. and normal hill. so is there a medium slalom?

Bode Miller: i don't know, man. there's no such thing as a medium hill. in nature.

Dan: you don't seem to be too eager to be here, Bode.

Bode: what is 5th place? what does that mean? it's all just nothing. every four years you sacrifice, for what? look i'll be level, which is the opposite of this downhill, i kinda have a thing..................later in like 30 minutes.....................house-warming party at my lodge................rooftop strippers................so i'm gonna go ahead and scoot outta here when the time comes, letting you know ahead of time so you can plan, per my NBC contract. there's gonna be dead silence coming from my end soon.

Dan: it's 30 below.

Bode: C tho, right? or F.

Dan: we talked with Mikaela Shiffrin. well her competitors. they said they saw Mikaela do the practice run down the course and from that declared her the gold-medal winner. you know how they knew? they took one gander at that sweet ass of hers.

Nathan Chen: it's just, as i stand here before you now bewildered and disillusioned, i look back and think about all the new video games i missed playing. was it worth it? ask me again after my speedruns.

foreign reporter: you did 18 quads in that performance, one for each year of your age or something. what would you call that?

Nathan: video-game numbers.

Papadakis: what is this Americanism, "wardrobe malfunction"? in my country we call it "life."

Mooch: what did you think when it happened right at the start?

Papadakis: worst nightmare. i prayed.

the audience claps.

Papadakis: clapping for praying, i like that.

Mooch: what do you know about George? this is a question from the boss.

Papadakis: check my last name again.

Mooch: what do you think of the Canadians winning? AGAIN.

Papadakis: Canadians are fake French.

Elena Meyers Taylor's dad is crying in the kiss-and-cry.

Mooch: why you crying? is it cos yous daughter just missed it. AGAIN. sir?

Elena Meyers Taylor's dad: no, it's cos she's better than me. she's actually a better athlete than me. i can't take it.

Medvedeva: i hate you. you ruined me. my Olympic dream is a hoax. why couldn't you have come next time? this is my light. you are the princess taking the long spiral stone staircase to the top of the tower to knock on the queen's painted wooden door.

Zagitova: it's your fault, my friend. you enticed me with that short program you did in a Sailor Moon skirt. i bought the uniform the next day and got into skating the day after. it took me a year after that to finally buy the skates that uniform was so specific. what did you think would happen? that show is for kids.

Medvedeva: it's anime. it's like cartoons for adults. it's too old for you. everything is too old for you.

Zagitova: i'm a magical girl.

Jake Tapper: here we fucking go.

Emma Gonzalez: here we fucking go.

Jake Tapper: you sure you aren't a crisis actor?

Emma Gonzalez: some of us students said we wanted to become actors before we were thrust heartbreakedly into this political-activist circle of heat. there's a difference. despite my GI Jane haircut i do not want to join the military now. jesus. TRUST NO ONE OVER THE AGE OF 18!!!

Jake Tapper: great, they sent the pretty NRA'er.

red-haired student survivor: our governor is Voldemort. i'm not Red Gerard.