TMIT: OLYMPIC WRAPUP w/ BOB COSTAS

Winter Olympics learned:

* i wanna see Leslie Jones short-track speed-skating. wanna see her gangsta lean.

* i've always known it as Pyongyang. spelt it that, ever since third grade. i understand it's phonetic but i am loath to change and set in my ways.

* Maddie Bowman: i don't wanna talk about it.
sponsor: milk life?
Maddie Bowman: from now on i'm drinking coconut soda.

* Michael Phelps: i have a poster of Ester Ledecka on my wall.
wife: no you don't! i just had your kid.
Michael Phelps: what? she inspires me. it's the one thing i still haven't done.

* Medvedeva: Bleach.
Zagitova: i know, it sucks we had to carry the Olympic flag instead of our own.
Medvedeva: no, that's my favorite anime. why did you do five triple-axels in a row like that? you're rubbing my nose in it?
Zagitova: my coach told me to do it. who is also your coach. what were you wearing at the Gala?
Medvedeva: i was portraying how you left me a street beggar, forced to steal cos you robbed me of my glory. that particular brand of Russian sorrow. what were you portraying?
Zagitova: oh shit, i forgot to take that candle i used for the show! it's still sitting there on the ice a day later!

* Shib Sibs: please, that's not our individual unique names. we're champion athletes, no more gimmicks.

* Lindsey Jacobellis: hi there, kids. remember me? i barely do, NBC completely washed their hands of me this time around. i had no idea i would be competing until they announced my race moments before. i thought i had retired to the farm in ignominy. and of course i come in 4th place. kids i think the lesson here is, i'm the ultimate symbolic embodiment of What Could Have Been. but the hotdogging i did the first time made me a snowboarding legend. at least in the underground. snowboarding is a lot like life. snowboarding is pain. life is for punks.

* foreign reporter: Shani Davis?
Shani Davis: yes. thank you. now i've won.

* Jessie Diggins: still don't know where i'm from? good, that's what small-town living is all about. let me do a shake at you and move on.
reporter: what's up with that one all-time Winter Olympian?
Diggins: i've never seen arms like that on a woman. not sayin' jus sayin'. and that's your Daily Diggins Dig.

* Bryce Bennett: i think i'm too tall to ski.
Lindsey Vonn: but you have to! that mustache is legend! i'm even thinking about penciling a mustache on me from now on.
Bryce Bennett: yeah there's that Swiss skier who's ten feet tall and he won. but there's still one problem.
Lindsey Vonn: what?
Bryce Bennett: i'm Kylo Ren.
Lindsey Vonn: you're a sensitive male, i like that.

* Bode: why are you yelling into that walkie-talkie? reporting the course conditions back to camp?
Lindsey Vonn: redirecting all my pent-up anger back out into the open healthily. i'm never reading the comments on my twitter again.
Bode: it's a slippery slope. get it?
Lindsey Vonn: you're a slope dope.

* kinda disappointed with the big-air. i know i'm being unreasonable but i thought it would be bigger. taller, higher somehow. sorry, Ivanka.

* Elana Meyers Taylor: don't blame me. my dad gave me this body. i love this body of mine. i love my body. it bounces and ripples at the same time. it's comprised of bricks of honey.

* bobsledder: hey! stop shouting at me! i'm trying to concentrate here at the start.

* that alpine team event was lopsided. the one where the two race down the red and blue courses at the same time, fastest wins. it's better to race others than a clock. i sat down and watched it. for four hours. everyone on the further right side, the red, always won. there was never a blue winner. the mountain was obviously tilted to the right.

* the one thing i took away from the Opening Ceremony: Phoenix.

* Rebecca Lowe: did you ever think this day would come?
John-Henry Krueger: i'm not lucky. the South Koreans crashed for a reason. this is divine recompense for the Steelers losing that game to the Patriots. survive the ground my ass! i play on the real frozen tundra!
Rebecca Lowe: are you okay, Freddy? i love your lips. you seem a bit wobbly. you think you made the right decision training abroad?
John-Henry Krueger: i still have mad-cow disease but it was all worth it. please, i haven't had a burger in four years!
Rebecca Lowe: sorry, love, i'm on tv.

* Bradie Tennell: yeah, a little stunnedshocked. never fell before. oh, yeah, i guess i'll do Disney On Ice or something. how do my teeth look? they're my moneymakers now.

* Adam Rippon and Mirai Nagasu: why were we snubbed from the Gala?
Olympics: cos you trash.
Mirai Nagasu: some Olympic village. no hot water in yo crib. come to my restaurant in Arcadia and we'll show you what hot water is really used for! i'll play you like an arcade game yo!
Adam Rippon: i love that i've brought out the country-hood in you, Mirai.

* Kelly Clark: i've passed the torch. but the greatest snowboarding accomplishment in my life is not the medals, but that i kept my personal life completely private. that is a miracle in this smartphone age.

* Red Girard: in order to win at snowboarding, you must be a ginger.
Shaun White: i was embarrassed of my red hair when i was small. and i secretly always hated the nickname the media gave me, The Flying Tomato. that's so really stupid. but i've recently been called worse names.
Red Girard: Snow Federer?

* Jamaican women's bobsled team: our sled got bought! all hail the sliders form the heat! catch: we have to slide down while drunk on Red Stripe.

* why is all the figure skating done to Coldplay?..........................oh, cold, now i get it......

* my one take-way from the Closing Ceremony: okay, if you really do travel on an interdimensional turtle to the afterlife, maybe that, only THAT will assuage my anxiety.

* come on, Korea, unify and move forward. if Germany with their fucked-up history can do it....
Kim Jong-un: yeah! I WANT MY K-POP!!!

* Elise Christie: doesn't matter had sex with my swarthy exotic boyfriend. there are different types of dreams fulfilled you know.

* Sasha Cohen: dodged a bullet.

* Mike Tirico: what is this grand secret?
Johnny and Tara: WE'RE DOING THE CLOSING CEREMONY!!!
Mike Tirico lowers his head and stays in that position, silently, for one hour.
Johnny Weir: everyone around here calls me "bruh". i mean, look at my hair.
Mike Tirico: look at my hair.

* Tanith Belbin: so what's up with curling? i go online now and am admonished for making fun of it. you can't make fun of curling anymore.
American Men Curlers: beer and swedish meatballs, simple recipe.
Tanith Belbin: how did you do it on such long odds?
American Men Curlers: our Princess was in another house. we've just been named the mascots for the next Olympics. wanna come to our wedding, too? it's at the curling house. over the hog line.
Tanith Belbin: what'd you call me?

* Tara Lipinski: the lights up in the night sky, they're forming a heart. so beautiful. i'm crying.
Terry Gannon: that's a broken heart. they didn't have enough drones. take it from me, Ganondorf. now you really crying.

* the world needs more Scott Hamiltons.

* remember, folks, Olympics prevent war.

1. ___call. prank call, how i met my third wife
2. _______to me baby. cum
3. ______and_________ tea and tabasco sauce. tabasco tea, the new taste sensation!
4. sex bloggers are_________an endangered species
5. ___________really need to__________the head of the NCAA really needs to lace up some Jordan 32s
6. you should be________mine but i didn't have a college degree at the time
7. i have never been able to _______long enough. see 2. and see to it
8. do you wanna_________buy The Olympics Channel? i'm not ready for this to be over
9. my_______get mad at me for________my parents get mad at me for existing. but it's their fault i'm here
10. when my alarm clock goes off, i______get off. sympathetic orgasm
11. i look forward to__________this year. not sleeping. the night terrors are getting worse with each nap
12. ___________is one of my favorite toys. Waterful

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