you know how to play. guess the score in the comments. winner gets my eternal gratitude knowing you added to the cast of dozens.
pre Game learned:
* Philly fan slamming into that subway column wasn't funny. why does only the stupid stuff go viral? will the cure for cancer go viral? this is how these things get started. this is how Tide pods happens.
* Opening Night: when Media Day gets corporatized, it is the end of all we hold dear. Pick Boy. Pick Boy. Pick Boy comparing who's handsomer, Pick Boy or Brady, this is all that matters now.
* i remember that last Eagles/Pats tilt vividly. 2004, right? simpler times. pre-Instagram. yeah Donovan McNabb threw up or something? and then he called on that phone on the field for the nurse from Animaniacs. they're reviving Animaniacs, never saw the original, i guess it was on at a bad time for me, they say i'm missing a classic, i'll never know one way or the other. TO played on a broken leg he sustained while doing shirtless pushups on his driveway. and Brady had two wives?
* Rocky obviously was from Boston. or maybe his mouth got messed up from all those fights he had to do for money.
* instead of the Halftime Show there should be an SNL skit where Maya Rudolph plays that long-suffering wife with the appropriate accent of whosever winning at the time and the fact that her husband may be a blowhard but he still gave her her babies.
* the Patriots have reached that Federer level where all the will to hate has been stripped away and there's just this eternal numbing halcyon paradise.
* Justin: Prince tribute obvi. gonna go live to Selena Gomez's room in rehab to see how she's doing, little safety check. then N Sync will make their surprise appearance, minus the Fat One, Joey is filming yet another The Hub pilot trying to revival that network back, we all want Spooksville Season 2. and Janet will close us out with her performance of Colder Than A Strong Independent Woman's Tit Except It Will Be Covered Up, Even If You're a Nasty Warlock.
* the only Skol celebrated will be chewing tobacco. in kid-friendly flavors. the NFL is for families. Truth. get rid of it once and for all, end it, 100%.
* Patriots lockerroom:
offensive line: it's colder in here than a supermodel's showing nip.
Brady: hey, that's offensive. my wife isn't that bad.
* reporter: Winter is Coming, heehee.
Brady: yeah i don't watch that show. i don't know much about pop culture. Gisele keeps the kids and me tech-free.
reporter: she's a hot milf and conscious of the slow degradation of our society? she's perfect.
* Brady: who's my man crush? it's gotta be Seth Green.
Pick Boy falls to his knees and weeps over the loss of Candace Bailey's innocence.
* reporter: why do all the Patriots date internationally-known supermodels?
Brady: we all met on AOL Instant Messenger. we were the last two groups on there.
* reporter: who's your pick for Best Picture? The Shape of Water?
Amendola: Bill doesn't let us out to see movies. although in this weather the shape of water is frozen.
reporter: see you do see movies.
* Gronk, reading: Brady's personal massager went into my butt cheeks................what? i'm showing you the reports of the Patriots' demise have been greatly exaggerated.
* Belichick: how do you get me to smile? ask me about that special This Is Us after. my Navy lacrosse buddies all gathered round the couch with a collective box of tissue and some wine, that's what i'll be doing after our win, NOT going to Disneyland.
* full disclosure, i didn't watch the Eagles Media Day, it sounded boring.
* prop-bet predictions: doves instead of a bald eagle, don't want to show favoritism, the Gatorade color will be Pineapple, right, Eli?, Steve Jobs will rise from the dead to take back his black cotton knit wool shirt from Justin, that will be the stolen jersey after the game. Steve Jobs will also announce his retirement to go to work for Samsung.
* the Dow dropped 666 points. just a correction. think of it like a hotel settling.
* you gotta admit, six more weeks of winter, a Winter Superbowl, and the Winter Olympics just four days later. it's such a proud time to be a goth.
have fun! let's reconvene on Monday when you wake me up from my coffin-shaped bed and ask me how my Taco Bell Nacho Fries were.
3 comments:
i'm going with the upset. Eagles 31-28
your first Super Bowl! Santa is finally let off the hook!
I don't understand any of this game except having nipples that should be considered lethal weapons, but I will reverse your score. *)
Cantore is confused. he has no idea why a veteran weatherman is forced to cover Punxsutawney Phil. every woman chooses Brady. and every man. nips are the best predictor of cold weather. I drizzle cacao nips every morning into my cereal
*)
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