OUT OF THE RING

learned:

* the world would be a better place if we all got rid of our garages and parked our tractors on our front lawns.

* landlords are people, too

* y'know eventually those monster trucks are gonna be so high up on their tires that they'll just float in the sky and not need tires. and that is how we'll finally get flying cars.

* Hamilton what hath you wrought

* taking out the trash was everyone's first job...

* i've never done the dishes in those delicate yellow rubber gloves. i like to feel the suds on my naked body.

* remember those hand lawnmowers? they weren't quite cutting the grass with a knife and they came before everyone got John Deere zambonis. they were basically just a handle with a metal lantern in the middle. and then Beck made leafblowers cool and everyone forgot. the forgotten lawnmower.

* what are we in life but God's crummy pawns? get ready for some unsourced philosophy.

* homeowner's associations are always shadowy. and landlords are always nebbish and scrawny.

* the neighborhood watch doesn't really exist. that's just a scare tactic.

* landlord: what is with this insane mountain of garbage bags? who will ever pick up all this trash?!!!
wrestler: the trashmen. they come Friday.

* wrestler: you better like my pink pants!

* landlord: white drapes only. wait, nevermind. let's talk about plants. plants are not allowed! pets are. no sax after midnight. sex is okay.

* landlord: i am lording over your land. metaphorically, you guys are taller than me.

* landlord: i know i got this to save the environment but this dainty bicycle is not a good look for me.

* Disney and heavy metal will never mix. real bird, but looks fake. whatever you do, never let go of the handlebars. he was on the hill the whole time for that shot, the camera was the one that was spinning.

* Spoonman. R.I.P. Chris.

* other wrestlers: what happened?
wrestlers: the landlord went to a barbecue! let's party!

* wrestler: i'm hungry. is the landlord back from Burger King yet?
dj: if you want the pizza there'll be no more music. is that what you want?

* wrestler: Fred Flintstone? what are you doing here?
Fred: Seth MacFarlane promises aren't worth the ink they're written in.
wrestler: how do you remember if it's Mc or Mac?
Fred: Seth is the mac daddy.

* in the wrestling world, it's not a food fight, it's practice.

* this isn't hypermasculinity, it's a cry for help. emotions don't come easy. helium is femininity.

* picture of Jesus of course

* wrestler: is that the tea kettle i'm smelling?
other wrestler: no the house is burning down.

* wrestler: what Miller is trying to convey is a contradiction...
other wrestler: whoa! Henry Miller really does look like a landlord!

* wrestler: the reader nullifies whatever the writer is trying to convey.
other wrestler: you're right. crush all the readers!
wrestler: we're wrestlers. we wrest.

* subtext was cool before subtweets.

* i suddenly had a vision of a naked Donna Reed in the bushes smashing a record.

* looks like the iconic yellow (and blue and red) Disneyland Main Street Parade record

* oh yeah, brother! i remember that judge. would like to finally know the color of his eyes before i die.

* i think that's a reference that would be funnier if i got the reference.

* hey it's not the paper's fault!

* old-timey photographer officially makes this a noir.

* wrestler: we had sons?
other wrestler: didn't you watch the biography of The Nature Boy? every wrestler has a double life.
other wrestler: btw, i really don't have a head.

* wrestlers: it's ironic you came out of the very toilet you never fixed once when you were alive.

* wrestler: are you Scooby Doo?
ghost landlord: come on, get it right. we need this Last Jedi money. it's the last time a Jedi's gonna be this loaded.

* ghost landlord: you either get a new landlord or have me haunt you for eternity or do what Paul Manafort did with his properties.

* wrestlers: are you our new daddy we mean landlord?
landlord: yes.
wrestlers: you look familiar.
landlord: you'll see in the closing segment. i did all the music for it.
wrestlers: you really let yourself go, Moby.
Moby: yeah, was riding high there with Gwen. she licked the back of my bald head and everything. but then she ran off with a cowboy leaving the world to scratch its bald head...

* there's always gotta be a guy who looks either like a burnt-out Santa or Charles Manson if he didn't go insane

* so close, John Belushi still in his toga, so close to getting that rhyme.

* y'know i never realized when i was in college just how exorbitant it is to rent. it's actually cheaper to own a house, isn't it?

* pictures not taken from rap sheets, just all old photos from the '70s, the only ones they had of themselves

* as you can tell, i'm not much of a wrestling fan. never really got into it. not even Hulk Hogan. i liked Andre the Giant for a while when i thought it was My Dinner With Andre the Giant. stopped with the Slim Jim guy after i stopped snapping unhealthy heavily-salted meatsticks in two like twigs. i have always admired The Undertaker from afar...

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happy weekend, my babies. when my armpit starts to stink is when my Friday ends.