Friday, December 1, 2017



* i seriously need to get to a spa. don't necessarily need my nails did tho i wouldn't refuse. i want to be pampered with pillows. i want a pillow for my feet. i want a pillow just to lay my wrist on. i want to rest my head in one of those spa chairs with the circle cut out so i can place my face in there and look at the floor tiling. get me to a Swedish hot spring. i need a spa day.

* not porn

* can i be stuck in the middle with you?

* woman: my neck hurts.
me: that's the thing with yoga. good for your mind, bad for your body.

* woman: why are all these pervs filming my ass?
crew: we're doing an Off the Air.
woman: oh.

* crew: hey man, you didn't see that drone flying straight toward you?!
man: no, i had these Google Goggles on my face. blind as a bat.

* ever since Steve Jobs's passing, life just isn't exciting anymore.

* never meet your heroes. never meet the team who designed your favorite video game.

* Zordon is taking his first night off in 3000 years.

* THE TALKING HEADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! y'know the full unedited music video to "Once in a Lifetime" is harder to secure than you may think. i had to use Croatian youtube.

* programmer: i need to hump the floor to test the low sensors.

* AB. does AB come after A but before B or after B?

* oh look! it's the fortran blueprint of that '80s Russian-American Embassy that was rigged with listening devices. bring back the Cold War! lines were clearer back then. movie villains were cheesier. video games were more innocent. everything was more mutual and zero-sum. everything's too muddled nowadays.

* ipads are cool and everything but the computer reached its apex with the Macintosh.

* i think it's high time we finally complete the 1980 Moscow Olympics. let's see how it would have been if every country participated. all drugs allowed.

* Harley's original three hyenas

* i keep telling people. Sims becomes really boring after a while.

* our pets have it right. the most interesting thing about unboxing videos is the box.

* Edward Scissorhands 2: Winona's daughter steals some clothes and only she can discipline her cos Ed still has his scissorhands.....................y'know nevermind, let's let that film remain a solitary classic.

* stop littering our natural world with invoices! stop buying stuff!

* Tom Peterson watch...

* stop with the animal abuse! all you existentialist filmmakers can still make your point without harming animals!

* this would have worked better as a silent film. the black cotton shirt, the checkerboard kitchen tablecloth, Charlie Chaplin stuff

* Sasha Grey is not returning to porn. she is auditioning for the Legend of the Seeker reboot.

* if you feel you've gone crazy, if you're in a nightmare world with no escape, you still have an out. a set of Star Trek: The Next Generation hologram doors will suddenly open up where that tree used to be. that hologram-door sound is the most beautiful sound in the world.

* don't enter a door unless it's lying flat on the ground

* even with all this technology there's nothing to wear

* Sasha: the only thing real in this world is my ass.

* cat: you see your universe, i smell my universe. you people stink.

* Scratch N Sniff is a scam

* sadly, in today's world, you must be wary of shirtless dudes wielding hammers and knives and shit wearing backpacks and sandals in the snow and Google Goggles.

* if The Wild Thornberrys were on adult swim

* the whole Five Nights at Freddy's thing passed me by...

* the UR looks like an ass

* you're the only one. you're not real. you're a robot. but you're at a Mel's Diner. i hope you like tofuburgers.

* this'll just hurt for a moment...

* if you're ever confronted with a button that says END SIMULATION, don't push it. it's tempting but don't.

* at least there's air conditioning.

* in the future, all the pizza cutters will be sex toys...

* whenever i see those neti pots i just want to make tea.

* nothing, and I mean NOTHING, beats '70s Doctor Who.


happy weekend, my babies. do your Christmas shopping tonight. your 2018 Christmas shopping.

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