Codrus: okay let's get this boat thing over with. i'll collect planks of wood from the monastery, i'll cut them down with the natural not steel claw of my pinkie finger, and you'll build the hull.
Ben Gunn: my but you twig fast, my lord, but you are overconfident.
Cotard: i shall help you get wood, brother.
Codrus: that's disgusting.
the two monks fly to the monastery and back in one moment. Cotard builds the ship hull.
Minster: it's not floatable!!! will it float? hell no!!!
Codrus: what's going on? SPEAK, blind hermit with the stanky diaper.
Ben Gunn: you see, sea brethren, that wood was from a monastery that burned down in a fire in an act of anti-Catholic arson. there be bad juju in that wood. see The Pirates of Dark Water for model...
Minster: hey are there any minga melons onboard this yacht?
Tula: are you referring to my tits?
Tula: can you believe i'm 17 years old? yet they draw me like a 35-year-old woman. aren't you curious about my backstory?
Niddler: i'm curious about eating. apparently i don't need medical attention as long as my monkeybird wings can fly.
Tula: i was a tavern wench who was BORED AS FUCK. land SUCKS, water is where it's at. maple-syrup water. those Red Lobster waitress dresses were humiliating, exposed, short, and tight.
Niddler: hey you still got the Bloomin' Onion that's a minga melon?
Tula: seasonal. all our lobsters arrive dead in the boiling water by that Dune sea serpent. with Takol as a chaser. get it? tackle? as in it will tackle your cough.
Ben Gunn: when you look up Takol the cough syrup on the internet, there are no pictures of it, that's not a good sign...
Niddler: can you believe i was ever mean? turns out i was just hungry...
the monk yacht crosses the Antarctic Sea whilst taking on water and sinking.
Nima Sarikhani: yeah my photo of the polar bear, that's the polar bear from Lost. humans have gotten so complacent about global warming they need to vegetate in the dreamworld of a TV show to hibernate to avoid reality.
Spags's wife: my husband Spags will CRUSH the Niners offense with his wacky defense. it's preordained. by The Pope herself!!! we got married at The Vatican...
The Pope: The Vatican is like Catholic Disneyland.
Zelda Williams: of course my directorial debut is a horror movie. Lisa Frankenstein. my life has been a horror show ever since i lost my dad...
Superman: pull the Glad wrap UP AND AWAY like me when i fly...
Night Court.
Abby: my favorite euphemism for fucking: spending the night...
Olivia: but i look GOOD with '80s shoulderpads!!! i'm skinny enough as it is, i need to get FULLER!!!
Codrus: do we need to kill these vampires?
Cotard: we don't kill, brother.
Codrus: good cuz i'm rather fond of these vampires. they're fun. they're cool. they're hilarious.
Minster: and people call ME monster. Dracula owes me five bucks and my fob back for that cotton candy...
Rockapella: Hanson's song "MmmBop" sounds exactly like our "Carmen Sandiego" song. we're okay with this, we're honored by this.
Boc: not a lick of wind in the sky. i like to lick other things.
me: it's fine if the daily observations overlap...
Lyle Lovett: i'm on a boat...
KAY Jewelers: i get to love you.
me: but who do i get? what do i get to do?...
Lexus: a delivery helado ice-cream-cart WALL-E bot that stalls in the middle of the intersection is like a Lexus without a cupholder...
Jen R: hey did you notice anything weird when we were skiing down that Mammoth mountain?
me: no.
Jen R: a big-ass MOOSE was running down that hill after us. Moose Mammoth Mountain.
moose: don't worry, i'm the moose from Northern Exposure, i'm a harmless intellectual.
rat: when there's been torrential wind and rain like this, i come out to play. not in the sewers, at The Barnyard in your soup. please don't exterminate me, i can be helpful to you. i can help you with that snap-on plastic cutter on the edge of that big-ass Kirkland 3000-pound box of Stretch Tite saran wrap you blew your load on at Costco.
Costco: we don't ask for your wallet, we ask for your wad.
In-N-Out Burger: mustard-fried is not mustard fries...
Aunt Cork: we eat there all the time, that cute white hut that looks like a country church is right next to our house on the hill.
Uncle Russ: where's Tim and Kavita?...
Kavita: below the bungalow.
Leslie Sbrocco: that In-N-Out apron would be so cute covering my butt!!!...
Steejo: i prefer my washcloth DAMP.
Super Bowl: i'm scared for Sunday...
Reese's Hearts: this chocolate heart has no message in the foil.
Super Bowl: the message IS the heart...
Carmen Sandiego '80s cartoon: the Player who's always in front of the computer screen, what's his story? what does his face look like? does he have a pet kangaroo? is his mom 30 years old?
Player: i'm actually Captain N from that '80s Nintendo cartoon...
Robin Williams: Good Will Hunting is technically an '80s movie...
Jen R: weather radar heals a broken heart.
George Washington in 1776: a lot of shit is going down where i live, but at least the world doesn't have to worry about global warming. humans are smart enough AT THIS TIME to not let things get out of hand. we all recognize the dire urgency here. the time to act is NOW...
Mr. Maldark: there's a difference between the 3 hours of Mr. Holland's Opus and the 3 hours of the Ryan Gosling Blade Runner. i can't. i can't do Mr. Holland's Opus, i can't show it to my students in my class, it's too long and boring...
Jack Tripper: what have i been doing? i became a doctor. i tried to help troubled teen Terry McGinnis...
Terry McGinnis: not like the beer. i don't drink. i helped MYSELF by becoming Batman...
The Outer Limits "Stranded".
Mentos: what does it mean when you call a girl a Freshmaker?
Daniella Evangelista: no it's Froshmaker, as in i, a senior cheerleader, make a freshman boy's whole year by glancing a look in his general direction. accidentally touching him in the cafeteria.
Dave Grohl: cafeteria coffee is the best...
the ending: remember, kids, The Outer Limits ALWAYS goes dark...
Amazing Stories "The 21-Inch Sun".
Robert Townsend: a 21-inch sun NOW would be a ring light. are lightbulbs 21 inches? are spotlights 21 inches? hey look, it's the same cemetery from Night Shift. the moral of this story is if you have a plant ghostwriter, do not go to ONE party with human friends...
Jen R: rum on the run. chugging rum on the runs. the ski runs. i get the runs...
President Biden in the documents case: for once my old age was a BENEFIT for me!!!...
Leslie Sbrocco: i look EXACTLY like your Aunt Cork. with a COMPLETELY different personality set. i got a great set of personalities...
LeVar Burton: "Rainbow Connection" is not about rainbow fentanyl...
LeVar Burton: you know, if i was hosting Jeopardy, after each episode i'd have Ken Jennings go down to Skid Row in L.A. and do a book drive...
Melissa Etheridge: no i am not how Taylor Swift is gonna look when she's old. I am the most famous female musician who's also a Chiefs fan!!! i was doing this stuff before T Swift was BORN!!!
Taylor Swift: imma rock star...
Boc: when it's cold out i wear my hoodie. my hoodie has pockets i put my hands in to keep warm. the gas station thinks i'm concealing a weapon. my choices are freeze or get shot to death.
Doctor Who: there's a queer London lamppost in the middle of the stone stairs, it's very Doctor Who. i'm the black Doctor Who you never saw cuz you stopped watching...
Brooke Trantor: you want me? read a book. get it? Book Brooke.
Styx: have you noticed that nobody does progressive rock anymore?...
Kevin Costner and Jewel at a tennis charity.
Jewel with a BIG-ASS OVERSIZE tennis racquet in her hand: if you build it, if i edge him, they will come, Kevin Costner will only cum for me...
Madame Pons: those spherical psychedelic candles from the '90s, they're making a comeback!!! they're at LUSH!!! that's LUSH not kush...
Eye Luggage: Interview with the Vampire and go.
Anne Rice: okay so this is Twilight but REALISTIC, kids...
Anne Rice: but it is a better love story than Twilight. being a vampire SUCKS, BOTH meanings. it's nothing but eternal existential anguish. and a little physical pain. at the end of it you just want to DIE.
Leslie Sbrocco: it's like Love Story says, "immortality is just another form of Hell." Love Story comes on next after me on PBS...
Anne Rice: i'll be honest, when they said Tom Cruise was playing Lestat, i was NOT HAPPY. deeply skeptical. there was NO WAY Tom Cruise could pull off such a deeply complex character. but they took off his leather jacket, took the collagen out of his cheeks, and he became Lestat in all his brooding glory. i was pleasantly surprised.
Tom Cruise: i was already cynical from my life. i already had the creepy laugh...
Tom Cruise: so how do you want me to play this cool vampire guy?
Anne Rice: just be Gambit from X-Men...
Anne Rice: this was a '70s book!!! that explains so much. that explains all the vests...
Winona Ryder: 1994 was the period of the Decadent Luxurious Goth, the goths who looked like Liberace. Dracula was big. not in the pants, i mean as a phenomenon again. although MY Dracula was a short man...
Anne Rice: i'm available to be at ANYONE's wedding now. i'll be your wedding guest...
San Francisco: the best city. home to Carmen Sandiego ACME agents and where this interview with a vampire takes place.
River Phoenix: okay let's take a moment. I was supposed to play Christian Slater's part, i would have been RESPLENDENT in this role!!! i mean who would have made a more beautiful vampire man than ME?!!! bite me. please. i'm scared of dentists. i died before shooting began. which is ironic, cuz i became a vampire in real life...
Brad Pitt: yeah so this movie SUCKED for me. this was the worst experience i've ever had as an actor in my life. the set was miserable. we could only shoot at night so i had to live as a real vampire. i never saw sunlight for 4 months. that wasn't white makeup on my face, i really WAS that pallid. didn't eat shit the whole time, just some Little Debbie Mardi Gras cakes. i'm standing around farting while Tom Cruise chews up ALL the scenery. even the silk drapes. i tried to like Tom but i could ever tell when he was bullshitting me. could never tell with that peculiar knave. he told me to my face that he was in love with me. he tried to recruit my mom into Scientology. and then there was the time my landlord kicked me out of my mansion shack on Bourbon Street and i had to crash at Tom's place on his couch.
Tom Cruise: do not place your dirty body on that couch. that is Oprah's couch. you may sleep when you're dead.
Trent Reznor: gotta pay your rent, this is the Manson house.
Brad: that's a good line, "I would have given anyone the invitation, but my jailer for life was a prick vampire", about my death and getting turned.
Boc: okay for the gays, i just gotta say, Tom Cruise biting into the neck of Brad Pitt is like the #1 most-heralded gay scene OF ALL TIME in film history. it gets us excited.
Brad: i don't need glasses anymore!!! hey is that stone statue of an angel supposed to be giving me the stink eye like that?
Doctor Who: yes.
Tom: you're dying, we all do it.
Anne: here's the thing, vampires aren't supposed to die. you can't kill vampires. and yet vampires are dying all over the place in this film. it was just too depressing to have the vampires go on living FOREVER...
Brad: life sucks for me. i mean as my character with the death of my wife and child on a Spanish Louisiana plantation.
Tom: it'll be worse if i turn you. eternal life ain't all it's cracked up to be...
Brad: this is a silly Dragon Ball Z battle we're engaged in. i should have just joined the Marines...
old dauphine with poodles: now I am a madame. i'm too old for you, boy.........but keep biting my neck anyway, young man. i could be your grandmother. i haven't been this excited since i was a schoolgirl. i forgot what frisson was...
Brad: sex throes, death throes, same difference.
Tom: this is the first gilf porn...
vampire Brad: i'm still human. I REFUSE to drink human blood!!! rat blood tastes like Kool-Aid.
Brad: is New Orleans better now that it's the United States?
Trent Reznor: New Orleans wasn't cool until I lived there...
Judge Harold T. Stone: ...
Melissa Rauch: people think i'm Harry Anderson's daughter...
Tom: you gotta admit, this is an INGENIOUS idea i had. you're lonely so if i get you an ETERNAL DAUGHTER, you'll have a FAMILY. family is everything, even for vampires. and unlike humans, you'll have a FAMILY FOREVER...
Kirsten Dunst: what's with the Shirley Temple curls? SO much crushed velvet on set. they had to find a young child with SAUCINESS to say those linereadings. this part didn't traumatize me.........much.........i was able to exorcise my demons from this movie when i went on to do that Lars von Trier Melancholia film...
Kirsten Dunst: i suddenly was drawn to the dark, not the eternal sunshine...
Robin Williams: okay this is really becoming a COMEDY now with all the people getting killed willy-nilly for food. not a DARK comedy, just a comedy.
Tom: hey look at me, i'm playing the piano like Trent Reznor. what happens if i drink the blood of a dead person?...
Marilyn Manson: ...
Marilyn Manson: Dead Blood, that should have been one of my album titles...
Claudia: i'm never gonna be a full-figured woman!!!
Tom: a real woman with ASSETS.........and HOLD the reaction on my face. did you see how i smiled there? that was the goofy Tim Heidecker smirk.
Brad: the natives are getting restless. they suspect i am The Devil. i'll burn this plantation house for them, i've become a hero to the slaves. besides, the architecture on this mansion is SO LAST YEAR. hey how'd you survive?
Tom: Swamp Thing raised me as his child. do you have any Neutrogena face cream?
Antonio Banderas: do you think i'm a good actor?
Brad: yeah but there's no nudity on stage, that's the rule, so what are you gonna do?
Antonio: i save all cats. i don't need skin cream, i'm naturally olive. Laura Esquivel sun. people who watch my show change their religion after...
the three monks: great production values so we're Mormons now...
Stephen Rea: *crying* i like men........okay? i like men. THAT's why i'm a vampire, i was shunned and outcasted for liking men...
Claudia: is this the back of a theater or a honeycomb for a giant bee? it looks like cheese.
Brad: who is the God of us vampires?
Antonio: our God has a great sense of humor.
Brad: what is the purpose of being a vampire?
Antonio: to have some fun, no?
Brad: you can read minds? what am i thinking right now?
Stephen Rea: Dorm Invasion makes sex hot again.
Madeleine holding Claudia's hand in the sewer: look up, child. look through the grate at the sun. the sun heals.........let's just pretend we're having a beach day...
Brad with torch in hand: i'm gonna burn this place down. THEATRE IS DEAD!!! that's what all the critics say...
Brad: hey man, why are you in a bad '90s rap video? with the police helicopter spotlight?
Tom: why do we have to drink blood? who makes the rules? why can't vampires just drink Southern sweet tea?
Christian Slater: make me a vampire.
Brad: are you stupid? are you dense? what's wrong with you? have you learned NOTHING? do you have ears? did you go to remedial school?
Christian: i wanna be cooler than i already am. my name is Christian and i'm a devil.
River Phoenix: you a cheeky little devil.
Axl Rose: "Sympathy for the Devil" was the last song we did as a COLLEGIAL cooperative harmonious full unit of Guns N Roses before we went our separate ways forever...
Kurt Cobain: i NEVER left you, Axl...
Slash: Axl insisted on the harp...
Tom: at least i'm giving you a choice.
Christian pressing play on his tape recorder: who hurt you?
Tom: David Foster Wallace. this man never gave me a choice.........i had to sit through him reading to me all of Infinite Jest in the chamber room...
Mardith: i get the SEXUAL nature of a vampire tearing into your flesh. but that's the thing, it's that LAST GREAT FUCK before you die...
Eye Luggage: i'm okay with going out like that.
Dirg: what's up with Tom Cruise's silver CLAW he uses to pierce his women? can i get one of those?
Laertus: for Inspector Gadget only to fight Dr. Claw with.
Penny: Uncle Gadget is into BDSM. you should see all the metal tools he has in his house.
Inspector Gadget: go go Gadget SINKING!!!
at the screening.
Roger Ebert: i thought this was gonna be about Hiroshima...
at the screening, Oprah Winfrey walks out.
Oprah: i will not contribute to Satanism. that's not what my show is about, i ain't Jerry Springer, i'm about LIGHT. having said that, this movie DID get me excited. don't worry, Gayle King will watch the rest and post her review at her movie blog in the morning. Gayle King is intimately knowledgeable about vampires, she's been sucking off the teat of my fame her whole life...
Oprah: g'night folks.
me by the fire: happy weekend, my babies. TOMORROW: here's the thing with Panera. if i get the ham sandwich and the cardboard bowl of chicken noodle soup, it just tastes like a soup and sandwich, what makes Panera so special? OH MY FUCKING ZEUS MCDONALD'S IS ON DOORDASH NOW!!!...
