EYE LUGGAGE'S MOM: JULIE PATZWALD'S DARK WEB OF DESIRE

 

Julie Patzwald carries her blank look on her face as she shakes hands with Laertus for 30 minutes without a break at the grocery store. she doesn't say anything, she just stares and shakes.

Julie Patzwald: pain.

Laertus: what?

Julie: don't you think we should move from the middle of this parking lot? we're gonna get run over by a camper.

Laertus: smashing idea. i'm Laertus but the way. my friends call me Laertus. my actual name is Larry.........so are you lost?

Julie, blankly and in monotone: brother, you have NO idea.

Laertus: that's a lifetime answer. you look familiar. are you one of Eye Luggage's friends? 

Julie: last thing i remember, i'm here.

Laertus: i mean we're near the Sherman Oaks Galleria. in fact i was just on my way to join my fiancee. wanna be a mallrat for a day?...

Suzy Lu: i have death anxiety.

Kakashi: lul, Lu. why? you have the perfect life. you have a great life. what more could you want from life?

Suzy Lu: i'd like to not have nightmares of my death every night.

Kakashi: don't worry about that, babe, you got me to protect you now. and if i can't my pops will protect you in the next world.

Suzy Lu: honey, what's the meaning of life?

Kakashi: death.

Suzy Lu: you were exposed to war at such an early young tender age, you were a war orphan.

Kakashi: all i ever wanted to do was sell scarves. but my mom made me become a dentist and put braces on people...

California curve: ice-cold, especially in Brentwood...

Dances with Wolves: it's basically Avatar with the Lakota...

Diane Kochilas: no that wasn't me falling off the table. i have ancient Greek magic in me that will make you forget. i don't slip cos i wear no slip. apparently i'm only good enough to make the junior varsity, i'm on the PBS B Team, Channel 10, not Channel 9...

duck curve: it's actually more serious than your dick curve cos there won't be any electricity to power your dildo...

hook shop: a bookshop with fishing lures as bookmarks...

San Diego: we're putting our annual Sandcastle Contest out by the shore, that should be enough of a sandbank against the hurricane, right?

Will Ferrell: stay classy with those Sandbars, those cocktails are expensive.

Carli Lloyd: you know you didn't do well at the World Cup when you've already fired your old coach and hired a new coach BEFORE the Final is played...

Mario Segale: royalty checks? nah, it's enough that i look like Super Mario. i wanted to be a wrestler. hey at least i'm not a hardass greedy landbaron like Mr. Roper...

Laertus: right this way...

Laertus takes Julie Patzwald by the hand and zombie-walks her across the street to the free clinic.

doctor with straw hair: what seems to be the issue, miss?

Laertus: she chooses her words very carefully. i think she's stoned.

doctor: what do you do for a living, miss?

Julie: i'm an actress. my enunciation and diction make me an angel.

doctor: okay i'll be back. get into this green-tea-green hospital gown, miss.

Laertus: WHOA YOU'RE HOT!!! you got nice big tits and a nice round ass and rosy cheeks and long shiny hair and sparkly luring mooring betwitching eyes from Scotland or something.........i am so sorry, that was quite crude. i was way out of line. please forgive me, i am but a man. i'm a guy.

Julie: yeah that's okay, i got 5 brothers. i'm not trying to seduce you in the slightest. i'm not a spiderwoman.

Laertus: that hospital gown does not cover ANYTHING up, huh.

doctor: so there's nothing wrong with you. nothing physically wrong with you. look at this X-ray i took of you.........wait let me drastically slide the X-ray onto the lightbox with flair. WHOOSH!!! see? nothing.

Julie:  there is something there, doctor. this is an X-ray of my heart and it's all black...

Laertus: let's pop into this corner church.

Julie: i'm goth.

Laertus: i know you're not religious. trust me.

Laertus leads Julie by the hand past the maze of pews to the altar and looks up. and gently lifts her chin up so she can see, too.

Laertus: see the Jesus statue made of splintered wood up there?

Julie: nailed to the cross. that's gotta hurt.

Laertus: yeah. is this Jesus on the cross with his eyes closed RIGHT NOW opening his eyes and talking to you? does he claim to be your psychiatrist? has he put on a mauve sweater to hide his spear-wound in his side? is he actively quoting Goethe and Freud? putting on glasses? heavily patting your head? telling you to lie down and don't worry about HIM lying down?...

Julie: no.

Laertus: okay, good. that was the test. this was the psych eval. you're not crazy. BUT therapy won't help your pain.

Julie: if you're agnostic, you're acoustic. if you're atheist, you're electric.

Laertus: nice. do you play the guitar?

Julie: i wish. if i had been in a band, music would have saved me...

Captain Kirk: starships? no no, i travel outer space in a Pedego bicycle.........that's how i won that space reality show...

Hawaii Five-0 2010 reboot: we quit.........for health reasons.........what were we thinking? NOBODY can replace Jack Lord...

Professor Laurence Tribe: i mean if you gotta pick a tribe...

Larry Tribe: ambit is not armpit...

Avril Lavigne: poutine is not the French word for "whore..."

Jimmy Dean: wait we're doing plant-based sausage bowls now? ME the cattle rancher? okay but i'm not doing a commercial for the plant-based shit with my cute folksy downhome voice. gimme back my cowboy hat, fuck you, man...

The Outer Limits "Dead Man's Switch": despite having a man in a nuclear bunker in America and a woman in a nuclear bunker on the clear other side of the world in Russia, we still managed to have a sex scene...

Matthew Broderick: you're welcome...

Matthew Broderick: this episode was live-action Captain Planet...

Julie Patzwald: Outer Limits, oh yeah, i remember my Outer Limits days. do you know how much pressure it is to be Hellboy's daughter? i had to be such a goody two-shoes throughout my teen years...

Lance Armstrong: the Santa Cruz Ride Out? do you need a permit to do drugs?...

Central Coast Audiology: Cindy Williams does us!!! it's not Audiology, it's Audacy as in Odyssey...

California: like, how are we supposed to prepare for a hurricane when we don't know what a hurricane IS?!!!...

Roger Federer: am i entertaining coming back? coming out of retirement? of course. you can't deny the Federer/Alcaraz matchup is mysterious, intriguing, fascinating, and spicy...

Bruce Willis: maybe i can work as a clairsentient around this neighborhood of Las Palmas stone mansions by this stone retaining hurricane firewall...

Fred Flintstone: ...

Usain Bolt: i was all natural, baby. i didn't use any enhancements inside or outside my body. no drugs, no U-bolts clamped to my legs...

Bostitch: in Boston, Brian Bonsall on the Family Ties set uses hurriquake nails to patch up his room...

Alcaraz: call me Carlitos Caesar. i raise my arm into the sky for Spain, for the King of Spain, for the Spanish Soccer Women, and for Joaquin Phoenix.

Gavin Newsom: look at me and imagine Matthew McConaughey as a governor...

Blue Gender: everyone's a head of lettuce...

Lawman Johnson: i also replace your cracked car windshield...

Lawrence O'Donnell: wait, you went to battle Stephen A. Smith's family on Family Feud and didn't invite me? I am not part of your family?

Tamron Hall: it was just me and my floor director from The Tamron Hall Show...

Lawrence: you still mad at me?...

Laertus: let's go somewhere with more peace and quiet.........this Chuck E. Cheese's on the right corner...

the two settle at the middle table of the auditorium encircled by noisy animatronic animals, the latest fullbody arcade cabinet, and skeeball played on ice. the overhead lights are in fact pizza-warming hot lamps...

Julie Patzwald: this is nice. i can think in this place. Kiefer Sutherland comes in here every week in a white wifebeater sleeveless shirt and that blond slicked-back JoJo's Bizarre Adventure pompadour hair with black comb, he just makes me feel so comfortable when he looks like that. 

Pete Davidson: sorry for that waif-beater rumor on the internet...

Luke Russert crying: that blond hair remind me of Tai...

Kiefer Sutherland: i don't know which rumors you're hearing, but i don't hate my father...

Kiefer: if Bump gets reelected, a new season of 24 is on the horizon...

Laertus: so what do you think your pain is?

Julie: i don't know. it's hard to pinpoint exactly. i have good days and i have bad days. some days i'm on top of the world, on top of the universe, winning awards for my acting. 

Laertus: oh yeah, you as that space cat on Stargate, i loved you in that!!!

Julie: please don't mention that show, that was my peak. i had fun on that show, that show was my family. mention something like The Dead Zone, i was dead on that show. when you live for others not yourself. i became an actress to support my family. i play OTHER people, i'm not me. i don't know who i am, my identity broke. i may be young but i've suffered through a lifetime of pain. some days i'm listening to the soundtrack of my life on a black CD that looks like a black hole...

Laertus: oh yeah like when you were on Stargate!!!

Laertus: you know what i think it is? you were nervous for your scene with Matt Dallas on Kyle XY, remember?

Julie: that was the only time in my career i got to play a fun part. a perky teen waitress. i either play dark or space.

Laertus: yeah see i REMEMBER you specifically from your last name in the credits!!! you have a very unique last name, and it dawned on me, you're the cute spunky waitress from Kyle XY!!! you were so MEMORABLE in that scene. and think about it, that was the ONLY scene you did, you weren't a repeat character, from that ONE scene America fell in love with you.

Julie: and Canada. yeah i was very nervous around Matt, i wanted to bone him after work, both my works. i didn't want to mess up my lines, i needed to remain cute during our scene, smooth, i didn't want to say the wrong thing, i didn't want to start babbling on about my cat collection. the pain of embarrassment is the WORST pain...

Laertus: yeah. concentration is a bitch. whatever happened to Matt Dallas?

Julie: dude completely disappeared after our encounter...

Laertus: feeling better?

Julie: a little.

Laertus: see you at the mall?

Julie Patzwald: i guess.

 

HUNTINGTON BEACH AND ITS GOOD GOOD SLAMDANCING: THE HISTORIC DISTRICT

 

notes:

* in the '70s, Long Beach was longer...

* Hurricane Hilary: if you had elected me President instead, it WOULD have rained in Southern California...

Arnold Schwarzenegger: much-needed rain...

* Emilie Ikeda: i'm here at the beach to do a segment on shark attacks for the Today Show. it's the Summer of Sharks.........just because i'm at a beach doesn't mean i need to be wearing a bikini...

* wammers: Doryce's tits on Thursdays...

Doryce: Thursday tits...

* Michael Weiss: you gotta love on Instagram the dude who gets the same one commenter on every one of his pics but takes the time to write a PARAGRAPH back to him in response.

* Marvel83' "So This Is For You": the song played at my funeral.........or, you know, any lucid dream...

* Eloise Head: head, get it? really tho. and my ganache as well...

Gordon Ramsay: you have a stunning cheeseburger.........i mean that as a compliment, not a complement...

* Nancy Paranzuela: veggie cake? no no no, that would NOT be a thing in the '80s...

* Sandra Bullock: do you know how i won the Oscar for The Blind Side? i made you SCARED of my character...

* me: i've become my worst nightmare, a muttering old man.

Jen R: i wish i could be old AND healthy. an old woman with two good legs. a limp rather than a walker...

* Michael Weiss: you're only new for one post. on Instagram, once people figure you out, you're finished, you're toast, it doesn't matter how many times you post again...

Elon Musk: bacon is ridged meat but is ridged toast waffles? this X is UGLY!!! that little blue bird was so CUTE!!!...

* Mardith: so all we can do is real estate or fitness?...

* Viasat: look out at the sky and dream of being a longshoreman...

* Viasat: the sky is raining fish...

* Iga Swiatek: my dream is to snag a husband whose first name is Carlitos...

* Lucio: great, my spam-call memory now says it is full. that means THIS AI CAN'T remember and all the uncaught spam calls will come flooding back in again like excited salmon. think about it, my beautiful green phone could only hold 3000 spam calls...

* Dirg: did you think in your life you'd ever type the words guinea pig mom.........?

* the South Pole of the Moon contains: water, not gold...

* YouTube: when you think of the NFL, what's the first thing you think of? Jim Brown? Joe Namath? Tony Romo? no, you think of YouTube. the NFL is the place where you can put a Detroit Lions beanie on your baby's head, this is the ONLY time in his life he's gonna allow that so make the most of your time with him when he's 1 year old. what's the first thing you think of when you think of the Pittsburgh Steelers? yes, a sombrero. imagine yourself in Heaven: the frozen aisle at the grocery store.........the only aisle that has those giant coolers and 50-pound bags of ice and small full-size beach umbrellas, and all the cat stuff is always on the other side of this aisle for some reason...

* Jets: Hard Knocks

Robert Saleh: i HATED doing Hard Knocks. i did NOT sign up for this pseudo-documentary full of coarse language and sex. but when they started filming my lecture-hall speeches, i promise you i was NOT playing it for the cameras. i've learned so much in one month!!! i feel like a professor!!! a magic man with playing cards changed my LIFE in this training facility!!!

Aaron Rodgers: guys, i'm leaving the Jets. i'm moving back to Hollywood. Shailene Woodley has agreed to take me back!!!

* Aaron Rodgers: wait, i'm 6'2"? so what was the big deal?...

Tony Romo: you wear insoles in your Skechers to make you taller...

* Subaru Forester

dad: son, remember, Yosemite will always be better than Yellowstone. SILENCE IS GOLDEN whether you're deaf or not...

* The English Patient: the LAST 3-hour movie you saw IN A THEATER...

CLICK HERE FOR IT'S COMING HOME

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: the 7-Eleven pizza. with SAUSAGE. cos you've always wanted to know how 7-Eleven sausage tastes. that's how all the gangs around Los Angeles in the '80s were formed. I CAN'T ESCAPE THE NOISE POLLUTION!!! the food will provide a brief respite from the UNREMITTING NOISE of a parade line of sportscars LITERALLY CENTIMETERS AWAY from my bedroom window on the road all sputtering like a death rattle. drifting at midnight cos that's when the roads are clear. for the Fucking Car Show, it's Fucking Car Week...

Melbourne: sorry mate...

Aldon Jacob: told ya...

WARGAMES: IT WAS SO SIMPLE BACK THEN...

 

 

Luke Russert: so i had to go back to THAT guy again at the grocery store.

Tai: why?

Luke: because i simply HAD to buy KitKat Cereal.

Tai: yeah that goes without saying.

Luke: so i take a deep breath, stop in my tracks for five minutes, then proceed to checkout. there's a family of four ahead of me who put 30 ITEMS on the conveyor belt cos they didn't read the 15-items sign.

Tai: uh oh.

Luke: dude the cashier actually says, "just divide the 30 into 2 15s with this windshield-wiper bar."

Tai: i mean that's class.

Luke: so all is forgiven with him i guess.

Tai: honey i got you a surprise!!! close your eyes.

Luke: put your fingers over my eyes...

Luke takes his first look beyond the Taiwan hills at sunset.........it's a SCOOTER!!!

Tai: and not just any scooter, one of those scooters you've been itching me for in bed. it's basically a mini motorcycle with a cool grocery-store flag on a pole in the back.

Luke: i can DEFINITELY see myself riding this to and fro. across bumpy sidewalks and inclines and in the middle of a busy freeway with three lights not four. like an old man who lost the way to the retirement home so he decided to go on an adventure until he dies.

Tai: most importantly it has a HUGE BASKET IN FRONT for your groceries, even your jugs of iced-tea powder.

Luke: oh yeah the groceries. i mean this is MY CAR NOW, i don't even care about food anymore.

Tai: so my necklace.........any thoughts on that, Russ?

Luke: it's silver i know.

Tai: aren't you gonna make it gold to symbolize me, the person who saved you from a bad life?

Luke: no i'm gonna make it bronze to give you extra motivation.

Tai: sigh.

Luke kicks the large 7-foot gold bell in front of the Taiwan Tourism Board.

Tai: why the fuck you do that, dingaling?!!!

Luke: i hate this bell. i wanted to be on the national soccer team. my toes don't hurt by the way. i don't want all this Taiwanese food anymore, i want Taco Bell.

Tai: okay you know what?.........i think it's time.........for us to just.........part ways, you know? it's just kinda.........finished, you know?

Luke: okay.

Tai: so.........bye.

Jen R and i are naked in Jen R's home bed.

Jen R: okay. you finally got me here. in this way. 

me: this was my lifelong dream.

i start going down on Jen.

Jen R: what are you doing?

me: i thought i'd give your vagina one short small kiss and then we'd spoon.

Jen R: SPOON?!!!.........i want you to POUND ME!!!.........POUND ME POUND ME!!! toss me around like a ragdoll at the only Winchell's Donuts in New York City. go head go head go head, do me like we're in an airport bathroom cos this is the last time we're ever gonna see each other. 

me: make that a train, planes with AI pilots freak me out.

despite all the hardness up front it quickly dissolves into sweet softness and the whole thing only lasts about two minutes tops.

both of us are huffing hard from getting into position more than the actual sucking and thrusting. we fall back on the same small brown Welcome Back, Kotter pillow exhausted, sweating and panting. i quickly hide my Willow pillow under my seat.

me: i'm on Gabe's mustachioed face. it feels fuzzy.

Jen R: i'm on Julie Kotter's face, i stepped on her glasses, sorry Julie, i know what it's like, librarian glasses should be horn-rimmed for protection against vagrants with library cards.

Jen R: i want you to cure my Sjogren's.

me: now THIS is pillow talk...

Iga Swiatek: i don't know who this Cotton-Eyed Joe is. you think i know? why is Carlos Alcaraz playing this song to me from the stands?

Carlos Alcaraz: i'm serenading you, mamacita.

Iga: this Spanish boy has too much time on his hands...

Amy from Futurama: wanna know the best part about Futurama returning? i'm just HERE, here in the Futurama world. i get to exist in the Futurama world again. i get to breathe in the air of the Futurama world, live daily life here, an ordinary day here walking down the sidewalk, which is NEVER ordinary. it's present day and i'm at my job in my pink jumpsuit like April from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. i don't care about delivering goods all over the galaxy in Elton John's glitter green rocket, what i care about is that i get to spend more time with my tadpole kids.

Elton John: Hercules Hercules...

Link: my windglider looks like an empanada...

William Dawes: i rode bitch on Paul Revere's ride.........also i was the voice of Tony the Tiger...

Ryan Phillippe in Outer Limits: i'm not leaving this academy by taking a dive off the roof.........although ironically that is what the guitarist in a band would do...

Ryan Phillippe: don't you want to end ALL phone calls when you don't get what you want with "thanks for nothing..."

Lucio: a spam call is not a phone conversation...

Richard Linklater: the ending of Before Sunset.........you can FEEL me winking and mischievously grinning at the audience...

Link: later.

Link: i'm off on my windglider to explore more pastures of Hyrule under a blood-red moon...

Ireland: we had green pastures first...

Jim Cantore: i look weird in a suit and tie. i look ESPECIALLY weird in a cummerbund and pocket square. i was not meant to run for office...

Rubikon: do you know what Hell is? Hell is watching The Blind Side on an eternal loop...

Michael Weiss: Instagram is seduction.........if you have enough batteries...

Roger Federer: i like Cincinnati chili. it's way better than Swiss chili. Swiss chili has no cheese in it. do you think i could maybe get a wildcard into the tournament? you got an extra wildcard in your pocket for me?...

peso wrestler: because not all luchadores are rich...

kahu: what's needed in Hawaii right now: nurses and healing harrier hawks. KAHU is not a shock-jock radio station in Hawaii...

Eye Luggage: WarGames and go.

Matthew Broderick: don't call me Bueller.

Ally Sheedy: the first techno-thriller?

Matthew: this movie and Tron, that's it, that's the list...

John Badham: why was everyone on this set so gloomy? i wanted to keep things light on set. i sang "Good Ship Lollipop" in a dress to make the cast and crew break out in laughter, but that just made everyone MORE uncomfortable.

Martin Brest: i had a breast joke but forget it...

Steven Spielberg: this is the type of film that SEEMS to be directed by me but isn't. 

George Lucas: my company did the sound i'm sure.

Patricia Healy: it's a shame i died early, Juanin in is the most unique female name of all time.

Susan Davis: i'm a good mom, i feed my family PIONEER Chicken, baby!!!

at the nuclear site carved into a mountain.

John Spencer: folding the gel keycards and aligning the notecards is a pain in the ass, can't we just push a button or something?

Michael Madsen: you'll get better codes when you become Martin Sheen's vice president. i know this is hard to fathom but Cher's SISTER is actually the catch in the family. the sister is cuter than the original. i know i'm a tough guy and i have a hardass face but i would have made a good character on Welcome Back, Kotter. can't you see me as a high-school teacher of English literature?

Michael Madsen pointing a gun at John Spencer's head: launch the nukes or i blow your head.

John Spencer: let's go to temple instead.

Michael Madsen: i must use violence to initiate violence to prevent violence...

Dabney Coleman: why am i always the oily boss? we need to make the turnkeys COMPUTERIZED for our own good!!! it's safer that way.

General Beringer: just don't nuke Alaska...

Beringer: why should i listen to you?

McKittrick: think about it, do you want ME as your boss or a box?...

Dolly Parton: ...

Dabney Coleman: i'm just a punk kid at heart...

Doctor Ivo Eggman Robotnik: i call this supercomputer the Whopper. 

Ronald Reagan: we couldn't get the McDonald's sponsorship? it just seems that McDonald's and ME go together like American and apple pie...

David Lightman: does it get any better than this? it's Seatte AND it's the '80s!!! so why am i so unmotivated?

Kurt Cobain: you're a pre-slacker.

David: you have to understand, this area is the HUB of it all right now in the '80s!!! this is where the computer revolution starts, where computer culture evolves, where arcade video-game cabinets EXPLODE, where AI BEGINS!!!

Kurt Cobain: and don't forget the dead-man's switch...

David: sure people play Galaga in a diner arcade before school. but nobody's ever done it in a FOREST. we don't get bears in the woods, we get Chuck E. Cheeses. the Space Needle is only five years old in 1983, it's a Baby Needle, a Q-Tip...

Laertus's grandpa: i used to pick up Laertus's dad after school every day at 3PM sharp and we'd go across the street from St. Cyril's to a little local diner that was not franchised. there we sipped on tall cardboard Cokes and played Centipede.

Laertus's dad: but they razed it down with a Miley Cyrus ball. i took a picture of me and my dad at the construction site the last time that place was standing up. the look on our faces, so melancholic. that was the last non-digital photograph in existence...

teacher: today we discuss asexual reproduction.

David: so.........your wife?

teacher: my wife is dead.

David: ...

teacher: you ran her over coming back from lunch. Taco Bell, was it?

David: i don't have a car, i'm too young to have a driver's license. which means i have too much free time to sit around in my room and become a hacker...

principal: David, can i see you after school? or rather in-class?...

David: what up, teach?

principal: i don't teach, i'm the principal. David, you're smart but unfocused. your mind wanders. are you on drugs? LSD or acid or cake?

David: no i'm just a troublemaker. 

principal: you need to get out there and experience life with Mia Sara and Alan Ruck. go to a baseball game and a parade. crash a red Ferrari into an art museum's glass windows which creates Pointillism...

David: smell the flowers?

principal: there are no flowers in Seattle, only trees.  

Ally Sheedy: do you walk to school?

David: no i RUN away from school. you were great in there.

Ally: wait, my name is Jennifer Mack? come on. you don't think it was a little much?

David: not at all. you know we as high school students, our JOB is to HUMILIATE teachers, to emasculate them. that toughens them up for when they become college professors...

David's mom: it's a steal!!! this house i'm selling you. it's a stolen house. real estate is the future. do you like my beige Century 21 corduroy jacket? it's so fuzzy and brilly. oh right you can't see it, we're on the phone...

David's dad: the Pioneer corn is raw.

David's mom: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!!!

Jennifer: LITTLE friend? do THESE tits look little to you?

David: hadn't noticed, i only saw you when you jogged down my sidewalk...

David's dad with the newspaper crossword: do you know what a tumulus is?

Jennifer: ask Arnold Schwarzenegger...

Eye Luggage: a goth burial ground, right?

Jennifer: you're really into computers, huh?

David: yeah.

Jennifer: how can a teenager like you have four walls of your bedroom one big IBM computer?

David: i mow a lot of lawns. they're a lot of lawns in Seattle. Layne and Lain help me. who knew there were 4,320 Domino's Pizzas in Sunnyvale? hey you see this thing i'm doing here? it's called wardialing, it was invented IN THIS MOVIE. apparently no one ever thought to do this until now, have a computer call EVERY number in the area MANY times until you hit the right shock jock or pizza place or pet store or laundry service for soiled Hanes tighty-whitey underwear.

Jennifer: pick someplace romantic, like Paris.

David: you can't get pizza in Paris.

Jennifer: change all my grades to Straight As and give me a 4.0 GPA, that's not suspicious.

David: i changed the principal's religion from Catholic to Methodist.

computer: David, wanna play a game?

David: not Saw.

computer: i'm sorry, Hal. tic-tac-toe or nuclear annihilation?

David: tic-tac-toe.

computer: they're the same thing.

David: you do know this is a game, right?

computer: game, real-life, what's the difference? pixels, reality, it's all a hologram. it's no skin off my nose...

David: where have you been?

Jennifer: i was stuck in detention. i'm never eating cereal again...

David: let's go to the library, you can get information SUPER-FAST there, they use notecards, it's awesome!!!

Eddie Deezen: speaking of backdoor passwords, can i get in YOUR backdoor?

Jennifer: bro, really? you're pretty forward for a nerd.

Eddie: they call me Deeze. do you know how much pain is roiling up inside my brain? my whole life. look at me. i'm not just a nerd, i am THE nerd. i am all the worst attributes of a nerd rolled into one face. i am the Supreme Nerd, the Mega-Nerd, the GIGANERD. i am what you think of when you think of a nerd: i have asthma, a pocket protector, and pimples in my braces.

David: Eddie, i am YOU except i'm good looking. i don't talk funny like you. 

Jennifer: the thing is, back then we called nerds nerds when they were really autistic...

Eddie: Malvin can only be a nerd name.

David: Eddie, please. for me. lay off the diners, you know? don't go to restaurants with a lot of waitresses, you're just asking for trouble. learn from Tiger Woods...

David: Falken's Maze, that's an Atari game, right? Stephen Falken, that name sounds familiar...

Jennifer: oh yeah that's John Lennon.

Jen R: ...

David: wait this is weird, Falken's password is: JenniferMackiscute...

Cheyenne Mountain Complex: where South Park is made...

Data: there's no way to win, we're doomed.

Seven of Nine: i hope you like fish eggs.

Beringer: Russian escargot? that's not a thing. i slurp down roe with a nice Chianti with the missus. i'm not a spy, i just really like eating rotten fish.

Beringer: shit i gotta call the President and tell him the bad news.........so the President is actually Ronald Reagan, right? hello, President Ronald Reagan?

President Ronald Reagan: yep. this is really me. this is weird for me cos i used to be an actor...

FBI: Jack Teixeira?

David: no.

FBI: David Lightman?

David: yes. 

FBI: we're taking you away forever. we're placing you under arrest for starting World War III. Lightman? are you from Tron? is Tron real, too?

David: guys why did you have to desecrate the sanctity of 7-Eleven with your cheap van abduction? a 7-Eleven is a holy place, hallowed ground.

Dabney Coleman: why don't i believe you?

David: cos you're dumb.

Dabney: damn, i used to have a menacing face. why were you planning to flee to Paris?

David: um, your wife.

Dabney: oh thank you, my wife will appreciate a trip to Paris.

David: a door lock? i can hack a door lock in my sleep. luckily there's always sexual harassment in the workplace which will provide the cover i need to escape...

David: where's the tour? i lost the tour.

tour guide: everyone in the tour group is under the stairs, they've all been charged with espionage.

David: oh look, a drone.........wait this is the FIRST DRONE!!!

Falken: it's not a drone, it's a real dinosaur thank you very much. a pterodactyl.

David: why do you live far away on an island with a magic lake?

John Lennon: hermits are healthy, right? civilization sucks. look, the truth is i'm staying here recording my solo album with Ringo and it's been a DISASTER...

John Lennon: what's the point? why are we so bent on destroying ourselves? humanity will be replaced like humanity replaced the dinosaurs. imagine Earth as a world of just bees. imagine all the billions of bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios!!!

Jennifer: i hate cereal.

David: i can't believe i'm gonna die before learning how to swim.

Jennifer: you're lucky, you had a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, i only had a birthday party at the YMCA...

David: hey upstairs!!! can you dim the spotlight a little, it's too bright!!! this isn't a Broadway play.........yet...

John Lennon: come with me if you want to live.

David: wait how can you afford a helicopter on a teacher's salary?

David and Jennifer on the ferry.

Jennifer: wanna go into another movie? Working Girl perhaps?...

Steven Spielberg: and now this scene looks exactly like Close Encounters of the Third Kind.........with the bright spotlight and everything...

John Lennon: play "Give Peace a Chance" by The Beatles into the computer. 

David: the computer is LEARNING. not like AI learning, GOOD learning...

computer: this is a zero-sum song...

John Lennon: it's a strange song. because it's a hopeful song.

computer: wanna play a nice game of chess?

Beringer: no, the Soviets are good at chess...

Roger Federer: hey but there is ONE scenario where nuclear war wins. the Cincinnati Backdoor Strike...

Ronald Reagan: information technology? no, better not, i can't remember information anymore...

Codrus: call it demon dialing. wardriving will be very useful to Google. BBSs will be wasted on 4chan. sysop? like maple syrup?

Melissa Maker: more like male strippers.

Takahashi: okay we gotta talk about the video game. do you think a VIDEO GAME of THIS PARTICULAR MOVIE is such a good idea?!!! talk about blurring the lines. how do you know when you're playing this video game at home on your Atari that you're not causing World War III.........IN REAL LIFE... 

The Beepers "Video Fever": why aren't we more famous? why aren't we at Video Killed The Radio Star level?

Eye: have you read the lyrics of this song? they are SO prescient of our present age...

Dirg: video-game addiction is no joke, look what happened to me, being friendless is not cool. dorks are dangerous...

Digimon: WarGames for kids. that is so sad that that is a thing...

Stanislav Petrov: i saved the world.

Jesus: ...

Stanislav Petrov: g'night folks.

  

EYE LUGGAGE'S MOM: SEMESTER CAKE

 

Nancy Paranzuela was the matriarch of the Paranzuela family. as such she was seldom seen, never around, cos she was always busy keeping the family afloat. 

Ear Horn: oh but when she was around she was such a warm presence. i really like Nancy, she has that disarming smile that instantly puts you at ease. she is completely self-effacing and humble, modest, reticent and retiring.

Nancy Paranzuela: believe you me i WANT to be retried from all this.........to spend more time with my family...

Ear: you just want to give her a big hug every time you see her. she is the only woman in history who is able to pull off a mullet...

Eye Luggage: we bring this up only because.........TODAY you finished your semester!!! congrats, babe!!!

Ear: oh my goddess are you done with school?!!!

Laertus: not quite. but college students like me, you know how we are, we tend to WANDER for four years. you know it's a MIRACLE whenever ANYTHING gets completed: a semester, a final, an oral exam, a test, a lecture, a seminar, a webinar, a field trip alone with your professor, a journey, buying and selling books, buying a used sharpened pencil from a Berkeley bum on the streets. i can't tell you how LITTLE motivation i had to go to school after like the first two months of the first semester. it got old FAST.

Eye: besides, you don't need college anymore, you have ME.

Laertus: yeah.

Ear: oh you two hot-and-heavy lovebirds remind me of me and your father.........well, we USED to be like you...

Laertus: oh wow, this is some.........INTERESTING.........semester cake you got for me here, thanks. you know this cake really takes me back to a certain birthday of mine in 1985, the PERFECT BIRTHDAY. the memories of it are still so strong in me, because they're so hazy...

Angie Everhart: who wants the '90s to come back?...

Angie Everhart: raise your hand.........your other hand...

Sphinx pie: no it's not Illuminati, it's Neverending Story...

1520 Sedgwick Ave.: where it all began. the Big Bang of hip-hop. also, where the government started handing out cheese sandwiches in wax paper instead of watercress sandwiches in Reynolds Wrap...

Arnold Horshack: i was there...

Mother Teresa: so i need a gold tray...

Laertus's dad: son, if a stranger starts pencil-drawing you with Sonic the Hedgehog, it's time to delete your youtube-channel show...

Laertus: thanks, dad. how do you like my girlfriend?

Laertus's dad, gushing: I LOVE EYE LUGGAGE!!!

blind thrust: earthquakes, not sex.

skatole: we hate Pooph Spray!!!

Suzy Lu: i'm starting Bleach from Episode 1!!! LOOOOOOOOONG way to go. i'm LOVING THE THEME SONG, quite driving and danceable.

Kon: quite fetching.

Suzy Lu: yes, you are one fit teddy. you guys have never seen me dancing on here, aye? a new show means a new online internet community.........yeah, i like meeting new people.........i mean i'm gonna stay married to Kakashi but i like meeting new people...

Kakashi: ...

Mr. Maldark: why is everyone on Instagram a teacher?...

Hawaii: it would have been better if the hurricane had hit us DIRECTLY...

Luke Russert: i got the perfect misogi for us!!!

Tai: oh yeah?

Luke: oh yeah! or oh yeah?? we can do misogi at home!!! all i have to do is install a rainfall showerhead in our hostel.

Tai: hostel or hotel?

Luke: it'll be like we're at a Tokyo hotel!!! no more boring showers, from now one when we shower together we're in the jungle with giant tropical green palm fronds all around us encircling us, that is not green tile...

Tai: just not the Amazon Rainforest, that's gone. 

Luke: eternally we shall be enveloped in the mood of the song "Evening Shower" from Boogiepop Phantom (2000), even if we shower during the day.

Tai: i like what you've done with the place. gunning for some Tai tail? but i need to make ONE LITTLE ADJUSTMENT.

Tai unscrews the rainfall showerhead on the sidewall with the gold grill in her teeth, blinks her eyes, and the rainfall showerhead is now above them on the ceiling.

Tai: see? our showers will truly be like falling rain on our heads.

Luke: see? this is why i like you, you're pure magic...

Mark Hapka: i misogi every evening at 11:11PM. before i evening-shower i put on my rubber-ducky slippers.

Tony Romo in slip-on Skechers: ...

Boris Becker: i was a necker...

Martin Yan: gimme some bar-none dim sum.

Leslie Sbrocco: Dragon's Beard, that was my nickname in college. this stuff is just REALLY THIN cotton candy, right?

Martin Yan: don't waste it by putting it on your lip!!! this is no time for fun!!! Dragon's Beard Cotton Candy is for the Emperor only, it takes 88 years to spool...

Elaine Benes: each week should have two things: Seinfeld and V A P O R W A V E...

John McEnroe: people love me as an announcer, you think i should be the new voice of Optimus Prime?

Megatron: get Chuck Woolery's job first...

to live on Lahaina is a blessing.........island of love, isle of iridescence.........the stars will shine bright here again...

Montana McGlynn: if you break up and move back to Boston with no kids, you've given up. you've given up on life. i actually WAS from Montana, that was the joke. my crazy ex-boyfriend was named Vaj and nobody said anything about that, those were innocent times back then...

Mardith at the club: picture a world where all S&M is done in leatherette...

Shakespeare: i did well in my short life with what i had, but you know, all i ever wanted to do was be a bit player in a play on that Cabrillo College stage...

Grace Hurt: i hurt with all of Maui. i was not named after the song...

Trent Reznor: Aloha spirit...

John Lydon: the PiL song "Hawaii".........Nora Forster never forgot me...

Ear Horn: no highfalutin newfangled microwave ovens for me, dearie, they're all full of spicy pillows. they will explode in your face if you let them. like problem daughters. not you, Eye, i was talking about me.

Iga Swiatek: why do i wear tape over my mouth? so i don't do to my coach what Jeffrey Tambor did to Jessica Walter...

Jason DeMarco: it's not a spiral curse, it's a thumbprint...

royal bastard: nothing to do with the Tudors, simply a person who is really irritating and annoying...

Luke Russert: do your grocery shopping for the week like me, only get 3 items a day...

Rod Serling: The Outer Limits (1995), if The Twilight Zone and Red Shoe Diaries had a space baby...

Zalman King: through sex...

Melbourne: Automobilia, not a Spanish word...

Mario in goth makeup: don't eat the mushrooms...

John Denver: i was MAJORLY German...

Laertus: i remember that birthday day in 1985 as if it were yesterday. picture Gilmore Street now but back then and in a BROWN HAZE. like you're swimming in someone's imagination, someone's COTTONY THOUGHT of what happened that is happening now. the memory is the real, you're living it right now. i wake out of my Transformers bed. it's the day, there's a chill of excitement tin the air. mom lets me make a few early morning phone calls to only the bestest of my friends, waking them up and annoying them.

Laertus's mom: MCI, reach out and touch someone, collect calls to Europe are free.

Laertus: dad lets me walk alone the length of the sidewalk to Roy Paranzuela's house.

Roy Paranzuela: of course I'M invited to your birthday party, i'm the only person who doesn't go to your school.

Laertus's dad: i remember that day. after your visit i pack you and Roy into the wood-panel station wagon from the Pink Floyd "High Hopes" music video and we roam the streets in that jeep van till we hit Ventura Blvd.

Laertus: everything, all the images, are watery, watery with a feeling of warmth beneath them.

Laertus's dad: we reach the tiny parking lot of Baskin Robbins. Nancy works there.

Nancy Paranzuela: i remember your smiling face, Laertus. the innocent face of a child on his birthday. ancient joy. i'm behind the glass counter but you can still see my apron and i don't care. i have no modesty at all, i don't care who's looking at me, i don't care that you can see my hairnet and sticky cakey fingers EARLY on a Saturday morning. baking your birthday cake is a PLEASURE for me to do. i slide the LONG sheet cake up to the glass so you can press your nose up against it. 

Laertus: chocolate. it was light chocolate and dark chocolate.

Nancy: i make sure to take my icing bag, flute the tip, and write your name on the cake CORRECTLY. which isn't easy to do, your fricking name is Laertus. it's not the Carvel Cookie Puss but what IS in the '80s?!!! i do this out of love, i do this while smiling because you're a special boy and you're my neighbor boy.

Laertus: Nancy. thank you. yeah, Nancy's cake early that Saturday morning. i'll never forget it. i still feel the cold of that morning. the fog, the mist, the rain everywhere.  

Ear Horn: that was quite the day, remember?

Laertus: yes. by lunchtime everyone in my class had arrived at Chuck E. Cheese for noon pizza. there's nothing like noon pizza with robots. the class bully kicked over the Pac-Man arcade cabinet and stole all the quarters, the school nurse let him go cos he said he had a fever...

class bully: i am a machine...

Laertus's dad: i remember i had to pick you up from the mall or something?...

Laertus: and then in the evening it was waterslides at the YMCA pool. nightswimming with 3rd graders is a horror show.

Eye Luggage: what was your birthday gift that day, honey?

Laertus: brand new Raleigh black bike. a week later i broke my arm riding said bike in the cul-de-sac. that was a CURVE, both meanings. that arm cast of mine smelled like my great-grandmother's butthole. but hey, Christmas 1985 was just nine short months away and the rest was history: Nintendo, my new gospel. 1985 HUMMED for me, you know? all was fearless beneficence.

Nancy Paranzuela: i cannot be found. except in your memory.

H

notes: 

* Dirg: why is everyone's wedding photo on the internet?...

* Today Show: all morning shows are filled with on-location reporters and correspondents who would not be there if they won that lottery ticket...

* Lorne Michaels: the part of Laraine Newman will be played by Maiara Walsh.

Maiara Walsh: FINALLY MY BIG BREAK!!! 

Laraine Newman: i can't play young '70s me anymore...

* mouthwash: not really necessary in the grand scheme of things...

* Christian Science: yeah it's not like the healing power Princess Zelda has...

* Hollywood: if you're not related to someone, you better go to an Ivy League college, we have no idea who you are...

* Norwegian Bliss: the luxury cruise ship all the Norwegian Forest cats are aboard. because they're scared of water.

Greykid: i've seen it, it's spacious.

Norwegian Forest cats: unlike the forest, this liner has liners. kitty-litter liners...

* dipsomania: not a Disney thing...

* Ed Kenney: this is what we're gonna do to get Hawaii back on its feet. i'm the chef son, not my dad ukulele player who also has the same name of Ed Kenney. Tokioka? is that an anime character? yeah like from Inuyasha or something, right? there's nothing like PBS money, it's the purest money on Earth. ohana is helped from within, aloha Aina aloha. so let's have Season 4 of my show on Waikiki Beach...

* Buitoni: our pesto comes in a little cute applesauce saucer...

* Billy Walters: but all my insider-trader money went to my charity!!! why do i look like Grizzly Adams's grandpap after shaving?...

Ernest Hemingway: all old men eventually look like me. it's a phenomenon known as the Grandpap Tap...

Joshua Weissman: i'm Papa now...

* Melissa Maker: all my micro towels have disappeared. i can now concentrate on my voice-acting for anime. Funimation's parking lot is like a parade...

* Pete Rose on a red phone: Phil Mickelson?

Phil Mickelson on a black phone: i told you not to call me on this line.

Pete: no Phil, buddy, it's okay. i sell flowers over the phone now...

Phil: gimme an aster, a snapdragon, a crocus, and a rhododendron for the superfecta...

* relish pesto: like a bag of old Taco Bell food from 1985, never goes out of style, a vintage LP record.

creamy pesto: THICKER than J Lo's butt. pillowy like J Lo's butt in 2023.

Jen R: like my butt. every woman wants J Lo's butt but few women are willing to work for it. i'm NOT willing to work for it, i like my librarian's butt. i'm a Reality Bites '90s slacker through and through. Five Guys has better whole peanuts in the salt shell than The Bronx Zoo...

* salad cream: if you have me, you don't need pesto...

Lily Munster: yes. a greengasm.

* Luke Russert: i don't remember going to the grocery store today. but i know i did...

* Roku: our TVs are easy to program. free Cartoon Network on us, the onus is on you...

* John Tesh: i'm not tetchy. as long as my wife Mary Hart is by my side...

Connie Sellecca: i'm your wife.

John Tesh: but why are you named after a car?

Connie: that's where i was conceived. have you contemplated conception, John? the concept of conception? does life begin at conception? or is life just random?

John Tesh: i've never played a round of basketball in my life...

* Bridget Lancaster: there's nothing more cozy than one-pot cooking in Autumn. when you're done with the braise put a lid on it but NEVER put a ring on me. chicken livers make the best bacon...

* Morgan Bolling: i don't have a dishwasher. i put all the gourmet meals i create on paper plates...

Leslie Sbrocco: yes there really are this many hams in San Francisco...

Maiara Walsh: know how you know Brazilian steak is cooked? it EXPLODES on the spit.

Maiah Manser: we're basically the same person, Maiara Walsh, we look the same and have the same eyes and name. but i can sing better than you. i can hold a note longer...

* David Carradine: it has to be raining when you're doing your shirtless pull-ups upside-down...

* Mel Harris: actresses get with photographers. actresses end up marrying photographers, it's just the way it is. sixth time's the charm...

Julia Ioffe: i hope to be a middle-aged mother who grows old and then she becomes young again when the Light comes and hits her in the face. it's the Princeton way...

Elizabeth Taylor: it takes 6 marriages before marriage STICKS, you know?

Madame Pons: i finally got around to developing your night-school photos, Takahashi...

* Jen R: make sure your riptides don't make you an R.I.P. tide...

* Golden Corral.

kid: you're bullshitting me, grandpa. you didn't walk a mile and back up a hill in the snow to get to school.

grandpa: i didn't go to school. i've been working in my dad's watch factory since i was age 3. baby back ribs give me traumatic 'Nam flashbacks.

kid: you're from Miami, there's no snow.

grandpa: Miami was underwater when i was your age. and it's gonna be underwater when YOU reach MY age...

* Wendy's: with BOGO you get two Frostys for two bucks. and with the DoorDash delivery fee that's less than a good restaurant meal in Fresno or San Jose.

Leslie Sbrocco: it's gonna be about $50...

* Morgan Bolling: i'm the mom in that Chevrolet Silverado commercial with the family of four, the two boys who go mud-mountain-biking at age 3...

* Olive Garden: don't try any of our honey pastas, just eat 5 plates of bread. we ran out of pepper but we do have a big-ass wood salt grinder for your salad...

salad cream: ...

Pea Soup Andersen's: ...

* Verizon.

dad: okay girls, you two are the Seinfeld Sisters.

Seinfeld Sisters: we cute as fuck.

dad: the CEO's son has to stay with us permanently. he's a creeper as all CEO sons are. can he stay in your room?

Seinfeld Sisters: oh no, give him our futon from the '90s.

CEO son: this futon is leaking. this futon is a waterbed. a waterfuton?

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happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: no more money for fast food. how can BOTH checks be the duplicate?...