DEGREES OF DONENESS: CONAN CORGAN

 

Conan O'Brien is chatting up Billy Corgan on the NYC subway.

Billy Corgan: before we continue, i just have to warn you: i'm no Ben Affleck. 

Conan O'Brien: why haven't the Smashing Pumpkins ever played my show?

Billy: to be fair you never asked me.

Conan: my Springsteen drummer Max doesn't like you.

Billy: it would have been cool, too, i had a LOT of time while i was promoting my country album...

Conan: it doesn't matter, all that matters is we look like we're brothers...

Billy: yeah...

Conan: takes me back to when i booked The Verve Pipe and Robyn on consecutive days during Fleet Week of 1996...

Prince Charles: the boys at Eton never called me Pounce Charles...

Chuck Norris at his Sherman Oaks Karate School: i'm dead.........this is not the setup for a Chuck Norris joke...

The Wraith: the same face-switching technology as in Space Adventure Cobra...

Charlie Sheen: people still said "far out" in the '80s?

Monster Squad: make sure to get the house next to the drive-in theater so you can watch free movies by climbing up to the roof of your house and using binoculars to look at the large outdoor movie screen.

TOM: i envy that boy's pajamas. now that's a cool kid wearing those Robotech pajamas at that time DECADES before the world caught up to how cool Robotech was. 

best spaghetti scene in cinema: A Woman Under the Influence.

the Bundesliga: like smoked brisket at Chipotle, it just doesn't do it for me. it's just not magical like the Premier League and Taco Bell are.

new band: we knew we made it when we started playing arcades...

cats: toss the catnip, we just want to smell Doublemint gum.

C.H.U.D.: this is actually a deeply moving account of the intricate networks homeless people form to live underground beneath a city.

Sherilyn Fenn: see this pink 6:30AM November sky? it's a very The Wraith sky. i looked WEIRD in The Wraith, like i was a different person...

man in black top hat: don't just say Nov 27, say the day of the week.

Jen R: to curate which specific Instagram post gets DM'd to this friend and which to that friend, based on each person's NUANCED personality, is an art form.

me: not a job.

Jen R: just because she likes E.T. doesn't mean she's gonna like Alex P. Keaton...

Michelle Mermaid: why are all college and NFL kickers Australian? because they practice on boomerangs...

Obama: after the presidency i did some modeling for Navage...

Chicken in a Biskit: who wants crackers to taste like chicken?!!!...

fuck: what did people say BEFORE 1475?...

Fritz Haeg: i'm a monk who fucks...

Monster Squad: the Animorphs prequel...

at the top floor of the Capitol Records circular tower, Brian Vander Ark is chatting up Robyn but Robyn sees through to Brian's soul.

Brian Vander Ark: this is a wild week for the both of us!!!

the two stand still clutching each other's fingers as they pose for the official photograph against an army-green backdrop.

Robyn: *in a Swedish accent* to labelmates!!!

the rest of The Verve Pipe mill in the background gaining a fear of heights from looking out the circular window. executives in suits crouch under the long oak boardroom table.

Brian: that was a raw deal you got. both of our hit songs are about abortion but you were forced to drop yours because the music industry, despite this being the cool '90s, is still owned by men. 

Robyn: when will the suppression end? plus i'm European where we're lax, i'm not used to over here.

Brian: i would call Madonna to help you out but i don't have her number, my song hasn't actually hit platinum yet...

Robyn: don't people understand about lived experience? my abortion was painful for me. 

Brian: no, most men are politicians.

Brian: you should have seen me in college.

Robyn: you had Noah's beard?

Brian: i hit the books my freshman year, i was a nerd who missed the whole rave scene. i didn't want to be one of those foolishly-wise sophomores.

Robyn: arks are making a comeback, in Europe there are more arks than cars. 

Brian: my first girlfriend was Swedish, but her hair was black. we're blondmates.

Robyn: blondemates.

Brian: what's your last name?

Robyn: Batman.