CRESPI CRISPY APPLE: LIFE IS NOT A CLOSED SET

Mr. Diamond: think of the most perfect room you've ever been in. i won't mark you down if you don't say my classroom with the orange shag rug up on the 3rd floor with no ventanas, no windows, no circulation. just a beautiful sunset every afternoon at 4.

me: my bedroom. my bed is my table.

Avo: my bedroom. in my homeland.

Michaela From Safeway: i love when Lucio's not around, i get the mansion in the Sherman Oaks Hills all to myself. i put the BIG-SCREEN TV ON MY BED!!! oh who am i kidding? we ALL miss Lucio DEARLY!!! like a devastated beaver. 

Paul Newman: all of you gathered here feeling terribly, follow me.

Tatjana Patitz: i wish i had had GREEN HAIR throughout my career!!! i mean what's the point of having a pretty face if you don't use that face to SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT. all that matters is Nature. my perfect face is a very very small infinitesimally tiny part of Nature. i always begged my photographers to shoot me in a woodland clearing but they all wanted me to hang from the Eiffel Tower. i was BEGGING the fashion press to call me Mother Nature but they insisted on dubbing me Pretty Patitz.

George Michael: you're finally experiencing freedom now, with me...

Rosso Furniture: in Gilroy and Morgan Hill. after the iconic mother with the boxing gloves died i was sure it would get liquidated, but the daughter took over and got herself a tall spicy blonde sidekick who was not her mother...

Red Bull parrots commercial: individualism vs. the collective good, this is a sharp dialectic on the impossibility of this debate set in a saved Amazon Rain Forest...

colored frosting: for hair not cake. 

beautiful shiner: not a black eye, an endangered species of fish.

The Far Pavilions: the Hindu The Thorn Birds

Suzy Lu: that's why i love Kakashi so much, cos he has that sexy Sharingan eye and i'm blind in one eye..

Dasha Navalnaya: i'm Jamie Lynn Spears if she were a tall Russian basketball player.

Jamie Lynn Spears: make that an army brat falling out of a helicopter...

Big Time Rush: is there a Glee curse? of course there is. shoulda stayed with us in the shallow waters...

Boc: exercise is useless.

Adam Rich: you gotta admit, faking your own death is kinda funny the more you think about it 30 years later. death, that's rich. ah, Might Magazine in San Franciso, the innocent days of zines and street interviews. NOW you'll look up and watch that lost episode of Dungeons & Dragons, huh.

Suzanne Ciani: Bolinas is where i hide. California is a great great big place to hide from the world so i can really do the music i want to do...

Norah Jones: the thing is tho, drums aren't empty...

the best part of Bleach: Thousand -Year Blood War may be.........

the

haiku

at

the

end

of

each

episode

Del Monte Forest: we need a forest to build a new mall...

TMIT: if you want to heal, don't go to a spa, go to TMIT. don't illegally bring a bath bomb into a spa, soak your soul at Too Much Information Tuesday on BlogSpot, a place so special and kind it's like Uzumaki for unicorns.

John Larroquette: it's like Golden Girls in my head, i'm the last of the original Night Court crew, everyone else is dead, Dan Fielding is Betty White!!! i'm not fielding questions for compliments, i can't play the Dan of old, i'm fucking 70 years old now!!! i can't have sex with the guest star or the random court hooker or the bailiff or Harry Stone's daughter anymore, okay?!!!

Doryce: witch's ladder is my vagina.

Bender from Futurama: don't worry, i'll tell you where the floods are.

Sega Activator: for Jheri curls

New York City: the only place on Earth that still has bookstores...

Laertus: is there anything better than Nada Tawfik on location standing in a NYC bookstore?

Eye Luggage: ...

Jerrod Carmichael: you had no idea what people in Hollywood actually made before i spilled the tea, huh. $500,000.00 for a hosting gig?!!! YOWZERS!!! ONE HOSTING GIG creates generational wealth for an entire neighborhood block!!!

Tom Cruise: Shelly is at my house. she's sipping tea as we speak. she's on a cruise ship, the cruise went long cos of covid. she took over duties at the Cheers bar after Kirstie Alley died...

Shelley Long: extra e. not Extasy spelled with an x. you know when i was on that set my title was bartendress but everyone kept calling me a wet wench...

Reese's Puffs Ambush Universe: AI for kids.

Reese's Puffs cereal: don't you love how Reese's Puffs has an entry in Wikipedia?

Eye Luggage: The Disaster Artist and go.

Tommy Wiseau: i'm 69 years old. i'm from Poland. and my wealth is from the lumber industry. i used to be an angry young man but i've cooled in my old age, i toss the football around with the fans at those Rocky Horror-esque Midnight Mass showings of The Room. i'm chill about my career. i was wizened but now i am wise. oh, and never go to France.

James Franco: i didn't just read the CliffsNotes, i actually interviewed Tommy Wiseau before...

Laertus: can i just say, THIS MOVIE WAS A DELIGHT!!! it was A PLEASURE TO WATCH this, i needed this, i needed to laugh again.

Tommy Wiseau: i never trusted the people i worked with, look at the cameraman and his producers, they behind my back went up north and made documentary exposing i'm from Poland. i hate that, i hate when friends stab. never trust anyone from Canada.

Laertus: see this is what i mean, WITHIN FIVE MINUTES you're laughing your ass off!!! the performance by James Franco of Tommy Wiseau is SO FUCKING FUNNY. 

Tommy Wiseau: and exact. this is exactly how i act. in real life.

James Franco sipping a water bottle: I DID NOT. OH HAI MARK. is it just me or is the entire language track on The Room one minute behind? it's like the dubbing got mixed just a tad slow. i mean even the SYNOPSIS IS FUCKING HILARIOUS: Tommy Wiseau, whose movements are at once frightening and strange, whose herky-jerky speech patterns make him talk like he's on something, known as The Dracula Rapist, Eddie Munster's Weird Uncle, he scares his coworkers on set...

Laertus: this was actually my very first James Franco/Seth Rogen buddy road comedy i've ever watched, it will probably be the last but it was worth it!!!

Dave Franco: look at my smile!!! i have THE MOST HANDOSME BIG GRIN of all time!!! i didn't want the part to just ride my brother's coattails and just be a nepo baby.........but.........i mean if it means i get to marry Alison Brie with French cheese in Paris i'm blessed and frankly i don't care what people call me behind my back. i mean those Superbad dorks and dweebs except McLovin can't bully me so who cares?

Seth Rogen: so what were you laughing at in that scene? that scene was sad and tragic and denoted devastating loss about breast cancer. 

James Franco: don't you love how i imitate Tommy Wiseau's famous AIRY SCOFF laugh he does instead of actually laughing?

Ari Graynor: I'M BUILT LIKE A BRICK HOUSE.

Dirg: yep.

Frankie Muniz: this is an Adult Swim reunion!!!

Janet Wood the florist: hi doggie. don't you wish sports radio was kinder? why isn't there healthy dog food yet? Paul Newman's eyes aren't blue, they're made of water. Jack Tripper once barked like a dog on my bed.

acting coach: what the fucking hell was that?!!!

Tommy: I'M FUCKING FREE ON THAT STAGE, LADY!!! I'M FREE WHEN I ACT!!! my onstage performance is NOT my onstage persona!!! i do what i want, i thrust my jeans penis in the air lying down on my back in the spotlight doing the Stella monologue, I RAINBOW-CURVE MY THRUSTS. there's no wrong way to do a scene, it's how you FEEL.

acting coach: yeah whatever, i'm just here cos my husband Antonio Banderas looks like Marlon Brando, he's gonna ace the audition here in San Francisco and fly either to Los Angeles or probably New York.

Greg Sestero: i love how unshackled you are when you act, you are so loose and unencumbered up there on stage. i can't pay for acting class anymore, it's too expensive. i do NOT want to be a model.

Tommy: i'm just me, you know? wanna move down to L.A. and become actor? it's easy. i gotta place down there, the Full House house.

Greg: yeah let me just tell my mom i'm leaving with you.

Greg's mom: honey, it's not easy becoming an actor, it's for the 1%, you know? you have to have CONNECTIONS, NOT TALENT. i mean look at me, i had to walk with a cane for 8 fucking seasons!!!

Greg: why are we out here at James Dean's crash site in the middle of the night?

Tommy: because everyone says i look like James Dean...

Greg: you are very protracted and bizarre, that's why you're my best friend. how do you afford so many mansions all over the country? are you independently rich? why does your Mercedes look like a dirty 1980 Nissan Sentra? do you have a lot of untaxed money stashed away in the basement of this Crookedest Street condo with the 90210 address?

Tommy: don't worry about it, man, i'm good for it. i make a lot of gumbo in New Orleans.........you know that's not far off from the truth. did you know Red Bull is only made in San Francisco? i prefer these slender silver cans to those fat Arizona cans, i like dainty things. i like dainty tea.

Greg Sestero: that's me as the talent-agent bookie!!! i'm evaluating myself!!! very existential.

talent agent: i want this one for myself. in the back room. spread your legs for me.

Dave Franco Greg: but i'm not wearing a skirt, i'm wearing pants.

Judd Apatow: i'm really that brutal when i get accosted by randos trying to slip me scripts when i'm at Chez A.C. Slater for restaurant dinner with my family. tow his car away. next time, come at me at an In N Out Burger, okay young scriptwriter?

Tommy: screenplayist? 

Ernie's Mexican Restaurant: we make authentic Mexican food from Hollywood, by a young chico cook who will also fix your car at the garage, just don't tell The Man, he's sleeping.

Tommy: whatever, i'll just do my own movie. i'll write the script myself, i'll type all 1000 pages. why does SpellCheck keep offering me nonsense words?...

Laertus: now see, i hadn't known that before me viewing this, now i know how the industry works. people RENT the big cameras, it's very rare to buy the cameras outright. especially student filmmakers and the first-timers. making notes. so that's how they do it, that's how they can afford it. you know you never think about just renting a bike, right? you always want that bicycle for yourself.

camera-shop dude: yeah don't worry, just return the equipment by tonight, i'm filming Bill Cosby's first standup special...

Zac Efron as the thug in the beanie: i'll fucking kill you.

Tommy: omg Zac Efron i'm worried about you after that, that was REAL, folks, that wasn't acting, this guy's a MONSTER, are you okay, Zac Efron? Zac Efron you wanna talk about your life of basketball as i get the football?

Tommy Wiseau: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!!! you know what that was? my Ian Curtis impression.

1999: unfortunately, 1999 will always be known forever in time as the Shakespeare in Love year...

Jacki Weaver: why do we do what we do? why do i drive from my hovel in Mexico to the set in L.A. 500,000 miles away? well for one Mexico is a very dangerous country. we're ACTORS, MAN. our jobs are fun as fuck!! it's not like we're streetsweepers or bus drivers, you know? so what we take lunch at a St. Cyril's playground table. don't worry, i fainted but i just don't like drinking water. 

Laertus: okay this is the FUNNIEST SCENE OF ALL TIME. i know i know but there's just something when James Franco struts down the set in his bare butt like he owns the place, i mean that is RISIBLE. 

James: not to mention the wood clothespin holding my junk in a sock.

Gladyce: ...

James: no penis double that was all me.

Mardith: so we're just gonna ignore all of James Franco's real-life sexual-harassment complaints against him on set?.........i know i know it was funny it was funny. 

Eye: for the record what gets me in the mood is The Cure. not Depeche Mode, unpopular opinion.

Laertus: making notes.

Seth Rogen: does he know where the vagina is? he's thrusting her bellybutton. i know where the vagina is, i've worked with Barbra Streisand. you want sexy rain at the Titanic? i'm outta here, i got an audition for Donkey Kong...

Tommy: no movie has ever been successful without a naked butt. look at Hitchcock and Kubrick, both men had all their movies with naked butts. naked MALE butts i might add.

Dave Franco: you can't treat people this way, Tommy!!! hey, you tell me the MOMENT you feel uncomfortable with the sex scene, okay? DO NOT HESITATE!!! there is no pimple cream on set!!!

Ari Graynor: i've felt uncomfortable since day one of starting this project...

Bryan Cranston at the donut shop: why am i so gruff in my appearance here? i'm not like that, i'm loose and jolly and jovial and joking, the producers thought i couldn't slough off my Breaking Bad persona. take a break from being serious. so you haven't gotten your big break yet?

Greg: no.

Bryan: keep plugging away, it'll come. keep plugging. keep plugging Alison Brie. i'm the boss of you now. you want a part in my TV show Little Malcolm?

Greg: and how!!! lumberjack, right? it's my beard.

Bryan: you've watched the Monty Python lumberjack skit to prepare, right?

Greg: i don't know Monty Python.

Bryan: oooooh you don't want to be admitting that at your audition. 

Greg: you know what, i'm gonna keep the beard and try for The Virgin Suicides...

Greg: my Dodgers tryout did not work out. like all actors, my fallback is i'm doing Death of a Salesman...

Greg: i'm doing theatre now. you wanna try theatre again?

Tommy: remember when we met on a stage? at Berkeley? in that pirate play with Jennifer Pizarro?...

James Franco: Greg, thanks for saving me when i stormed out. this isn't Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero embracing on stage and waiting for the zesty interview and audience Q&A after the movie, this is James and Dave Franco fist-bumping cos the Franco Brothers did a project together.

Dave Franco: it brought us closer together, i'm not jealous of you anymore, Jimmy.

Tommy Wiseau at the premiere theater: ACTING IS TRUTH. this is MY MOVIE. see this isn't supposed to be a joke, The Room was my serious examination of my life and what led me to suicide-shoot me with a gun. it's not supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be a drama. i did my best writing the script and i acted the best i could without any lessons either way. 

Mark Borchardt puts his arm around Tommy Wiseau and hugs him in the aisle.

Mark Borchardt: i feel you, brother. MAKING A MOVIE IS A MIRACLE. you went after your dream. you should be ETERNALLY PROUD OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT, my man. i love you. my movie was my life, too, it was ABOUT my life.........except mine was splatter horror.

James Franco: my movie ended up being surprisingly heartfelt, huh. for being completely ridiculous from minute one till the end. g'night folks.

Lucio Rossi: this is a movie about friendship. about a friendship that survives Hollywood, a friendship that survives being apart for years. so much so that the two are still doing presentations together years later. it's never too late to reconnect...

Paul Newman leads them to his Newman's Own headquarters in Westport, Connecticut.

Paul: remember Cheetos? not the Flamin' Hot ones, the Original Crunchy ones.

Michaela From Safeway: yes, in those cute little tiny bags.

Avo: yes, they are a Crespi memory.

me: no, they are a ST. CYRIL'S hot-lunch memory!!!

Paul: can you help me out over here with this baling wire?

Madame Pons with her starry- and heart-shaped eyes: it would be my pleasure, Paul Newman.

Paul Newman: i gotta go to Montecito and help Ellen's river overflow if you know what i mean.

Ellen DeGeneres: i now dance for two forever.

Paul Newman: floodwaters are scary but not as scary as the gushing. LOOK AT THIS PLACE!!! look at the Newman's Own headquarters!!! it's so intimate and warm. the brick walls are evocative of a small liberal-arts campus nestled in the woods of a New England mining town. this is the college of cottage cheese. THIS is the best room on Planet Earth, that same planet i am single-handedly saving with my eco-friendly products. we all must be caretakers of this world, tend to it like a mother mad as hell. g'night folks.

Greykid Mlem and Blep: all we see is the dog food. where's the Newman's Own Cat Food? and we don't like your salsa, we like that Ortega Salsa in that hot-water-bottle-shaped glass bottle with the tubular tube top and Aztec hieroglyph markings on the scratched glass at the tip that reminds us of St. Cyril's in the 1980s.

THE FIRST ROSE PARADE, 1893

 

notes:

* omg Roger Federer was in the first Rose Parade in 1893!!! you knew if there had to be a first time-traveler it would somehow be Roger.

* Vanguard Annuity Insurance: live the Family Ties life. from young hippies in love to greystone retirement mansion in the hills villa. now THAT's finding your soul mate to activate marriage goals.

* Michael Weiss: why is everyone continuing Instagram into 2023 with such FERVOR, DESPERATION, AND TENACITY?!!! WHAT'S THE POINT?!!!

* Spicy Mountain Dew: your tongue is on fire. not everything has to be Flamin' Hot, can i just get some Regular Tamales?

* Cloud Cult: greatest name for a band ever? yes.

* Unohana: SPOILERS!!! turns out i was Kenpachi before Kenpachi!!! that was a pretty awesome reveal. it's always the quiet ones.

* Laertus: yeah i don't know but I LOVE RUN-ON SENTENCES!!! that's just how i write.

* Tyzik: remember, YOU are someone's New Year's Resolution...

* Gladyce: Happy Day, my beloved, here's your gift!!!

Doryce: this is my present? 

Gladyce: we witches have a different calendar. 

Doryce: OH IT'S A VIBRATOR!!! i can never have enough of those.

Gladyce: no dear, it's a shrimp deveiner with a big long curvy point.

Doryce: oh. thank you, dear. i wish it were metal but plastic's satisfying, too.

* Yoko from Lupin Zero: i'm not Fujiko disguised with pink hair. Americans reek like wild boar, they smell like animals. i can say this cos it's 1960s Japan. 

me: wait, that whistling at the end credits of Lupin Zero episodes, i've heard that before. 

Rubikon: that Bill rap song.

Che Guevara: that's MY motorcycle whistling!!!

me: it's that Alfred Hitchcock whistling.

Lupin III: omg did you see that?!!! MY DAD ANIMATED for the first time ever!!! Lupin II has a nice car and a nice blonde driving that's not my mom.

* Charles III: there's not enough money for Meghan Markle. doesn't she have some money in that silver suitcase?

* Prince Harry: Chelsy Davy taught me what a stallion was that afternoon delight in an English country field behind a pub. i always just thought it was a horse. magic mushrooms proved to me that the Smurfs were made at Stonehenge. you know i've always wanted to be a British astronaut, LET'S FINALLY GO INTO SPACE THIS WEEKEND. i'm not welcome on Earth. i actually killed 50 Taliban fighters but half of them were the fog of war the dust of war there was a lot of sand in the air as i played cards with my mates. mom wanted me to be Will's wingman but i ended up his hitman. why didn't my brother like my wife? cos she was a cat person and Will was a dog-bowl person. my relationship with my brother is akin it's like you know i compare it to Ritchie Valens and Bob...

me: P.S. I FREAKIN' LOVE PRINCE HARRY!!!

* Ragged Point: when you don't tuck your shirt in.

Codrus: i remember Ragged Point in the 1950s right next to our monastery, the ice-bluefin Chevies, Daddy's T-birds, all the bikini babes, so many love leaps, so many slippery coconuts...

* Kentucky Sober: no this isn't a joke, this is a real sober house, there's a big problem down here.

* Michael Weiss at New Year's Eve: Anderson Cooper doesn't care about me anymore, he's busy with his kids. i gotta find somebody new. Kathy Griffin? no.

* Barbara Walters: stump grinding? i know it well, i talk about sex all day with my View ladies off-camera. stump grinding is Eric Nies as a tree...

* Floral Burnout: name of Mardith's new goth band

* don't do your taxes. before going to jail don't crush the little people with that giant hamburger!!! how to win at chess: kiss. ride off into the sunset on that Twilight Zone horse black stallion. oh and have TurboTax help you so you don't land in prison.

* Peloton: Dry January? please, you need WET to grease those bike wheels!!! Peloton is an elitist health cult? you told you that? Mr. Big?

* Taco Bell: don't use the green sauce, it ruins the burrito. sure, we can deliver your food on a drone, but is the drone real or is the drone only in your VR?...

* Low E? solution: Tiger Blood.

* the lateral play: an NFL gambler's worst nightmare.

* please, American Express, no more with that ad, i still haven't gotten my new laptop and can of beans from Walmart...

Cynthia Suarez: hey i wasn't THAT FAT as a chubby-cheeked kid!!! you want your business to blow up? get yourself an influencer who gives the peace-sign and sticks out her tongue to lick it.

* Matthew McConaughey for Salesforce: basically what i'm saying is get off Twitter. *group clap*

* i'm jealous when i see people with laptop computers in commercials...

* Dr. Rick

me: okay i don't use combination locks but the thing is my recycling bins really do need to be cleaned, cleansed, like they need to be FUMIGATED WITH WATER, those things have caked-on dirt from the Stone Age. what are you supposed to do? my trash cans are covered in amber-colored pterodactyl syrup.

CLICK HERE FOR 10 ATMOSPHERIC RIVERS

happy weekend, my babies. hot lunch TOMORROW? no, it all got washed out in the rain...

CRESPI CRISPY APPLE: NEAR-FUTURE HUMAN ENHANCEMENT

 

Gladyce: when it rains hard i step outside the Treehouse DELIBERATELY IN MY SOCKS. no shoes. no pointy clogs. i love the sensation of my socks quickly welling up with water, getting soaked, soaked socks, that wetness heals me as my toes glide along the cobblestone.

Doryce: dear the WINDS ARE BLOWING!!!

Gladyce: i know, babe, you gotta do something about it.

Doryce: fret not, dear, i never give floods i only give fucks. atmospheric rivers are the gentle antlers of rain deer. you and the whole town knows my mouth is BIG ENOUGH in area and circumference to SWALLOW ANYTHING. all the wind will enter my mouth and fall in love.

me: i wish i were a machine to escape my problems.

Avo: what kind of machine would you be? i'd be a zamboni.

Michaela From Safeway wearing a twinset cardigan: i'd be one of those Terminator red-lazer checkout conveyor-belt computers at the grocery-store register. what, i like my job.

Mr. Diamond: i know what i'd be, he says as he rubs his bald head looking longingly out at the ocean, i would be the oldest Kinko's printer in the junkyard.

I Want To Eat Your Pancreas: it wasn't disgusting, it was sad.

alternative assets: the life of Kurt Cobain is an annuity, it will be worth the world forever, it's as if Kurt Cobain lived to be 100 years old. you can't contain the Cobain.

The Pope: pope tits. think about it, those are MY sets and assets and they are worth heaven hell and the afterlife.

me: hey Phone, why the fuck would i call back potential spam? thanks for the reminder of that missed call on my phone.

rizz: charisma in Baltimore

Princess Peach: if you want to fall in love, set up an interview with the person. that person will soon become your person, that's how i got to REALLY KNOW Luigi.

The Mighty Ducks: it was a solar-powered ice rink on top of the roof, not a skylight. 

Cotard: yeah, a skylight was known as a clerestory back in my day, you know, like the windows on a VW bus.

Codrus: i hate lightwells, they're sneaky little bastards. daylighting goes against my religion.

Michael Weiss: my weird uncle Larry sings the Who's the Boss theme song.

Pat is strangely inside an office again. Princeton Professor Julian Zelizer's office.

Zelizer: want a seltzer?

Pat: where's Julia Ioffe?

Zelizer: no idea. i have no idea where that attractive ginger is. 

Pat: but you're Julian and she's Julia. 

cheat day: every day

alternative art: art done not in art school

Archway fruitcake: Medieval monk munchies

me: you'll never see a Walmart order like this again from any human: one laptop computer, one can of beans.

University of Maryland Global Campus: yes, Leo Messi is enrolled with us here.

Tosin Cole: i didn't slight Doctor Who by not appearing on the Special, i was busy doing the House Party reboot. turns out House Party was a better franchise overall than Doctor Who.

Michael Weiss: the people on Instagram HAVE TO BE THERE FOREVER, 75% of them are disabled.

Dirg: and doable.

Michael Weiss: disabled physically or mentally. the other 5% like me, the narrator, and Santy Claus are BOTH!!! love amongst the broken people. the bank cable suspension is a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY!!! this is your chance to FINALLY LEAVE INSTAGRAM FOREVER!!! 

Pele: these 4 days of the blackout bank cable suspension have been hard, i still have no idea how that Buffalo Bills player with the arrythmia is doing, i hope he's okay.

Cristiano Ronaldo: i'd have to literally step outside and get a paper newspaper to find out about that Buffalo Bills player Hamlin.

Luke Skywalker hanging from a skylight like Spider-Man: i sent him Force vibes, my brother will recover survive and be alright.

Cristiano Ronaldo: i don't like going outside, i don't like being outside, i'm a homebody. i like just staying in my man cave with the 4 garages.

cutthroat trout: you find them in prison toilets.

bottle job: natural peroxide

kin keeping: works well with innkeeping.

Eye Luggage: Ghost in the Shell (2017) and go.

Takahashi: sponsored by HONDA.

Dirg: i mean is she naked or is that supposed to be a see-through lycra bodysuit?

Scarlett Johansson: both. unfortunately. Colin Jost modeled it for me.

William Gibson: the world here is RENDERED AWESOME. it's a cool computer world, 3D titillation, expansive, neon worldbuilding, floaty cars, ramen carts, green garbage trucks with the Anarchy A symbol spraypainted in black, teenage turtles doing mall karate, neo-futuristic, Neo Tokyo in the classic sense. 

Keanu Reeves in a black leather jacket and white shades: and classicist sense.

William Gibson: it copies from me my cyberpunk i mean Blade Runner, Blade Runner. 

The Major: Mira Killian, that's my Americanized name.

me: i don't get this, the cyberbrain, my life has been OBSESSED with the cyberbrain. imagine a human being fitted with a cyberbrain instead of a real brain. what could she or he know? they could calculate the speed of light to make a nuclear-fusion chamber for the world. but would they still be human thinking through a computer? here, Motoko has a real brain not a computer brain.

Bjork: All Is Full of Love music video, 1999.........which version did you like better? the album version or the hip-hop version?

Rila Fukushima: shame that my geisha-robot costume covered up all my real-life assets...

machine: it's an augmentation, not an improvement...

"Beat" Takeshi Kitano: beat in the good sense, the nice sense, the music sense. don't you love how i speak Japanese and everyone somehow understands me?

ScarJo: we're all building a global village here, folks.

Juliette Binoche: i have a heart, i wasn't a cold doctor. i wanted Scarlett as my own daughter cos she's cool and European-continental and can pass for French. people confuse me for Julia Ormond but i got kicked out of police psychiatry so i ended up in cybernetics, easier to deal with robots than Goren. 

Cutter: not the sexy doctor, not the healer of humanity, not a grouch's goddess, i'm a cutthroat businessman...

shell: i mean i'm better than AI for the future of Earth, right?

ghost: a cooler name than spirit.

The Major: can i ask you one thing?

Ouelet: anything, darling, my love.

the Major: does Casper the Ghost have an artificial body? 

Ouelet: you can plug into me anytime, i am a human outlet. how's the sex life? i'm only asking as your doctor.

Major: i only like women, but is that me or you programmed my sex drive into me with a flash drive?

Ouelet: yeah we had to, you'd never be able to work with others in an office setting, the environment would be too electric, if you were straight, we couldn't hire any men.

Codrus: remember, humans were born to be weapons only.

Major: i'm experiencing glitches.

Binoche: those are just dreams, very existential, very French. come on, let's dance.

Major: i like girls, but i'm only doing a deep dive into this hot geisha robot for work, okay? GET ME THE FUCK OUTTA HERE. you'd think a trillion welcoming hands groping your body welcoming you to another plane of existence would be warm and comforting but it's not.

Major: i fell in love with your ice-blue eyes.

Batou: you did? damn, too late. how do i look with my new eyes?

Major: weird.

Batou: think of my eyes as really tiny but still cool John Lennon glasses. plus they're cool mirrors when i shave.

yakuza nightclub: it's not sexual assault if they're robots.

Kuze: only you understand me, ScarJo. we are experiments, not people. we're not people to them. we were childhood friends but they took us before we could become more than friends. tore us from our mother's arms, wrenched by the state. how about we sex now? in the goofy way only we can, by hanging on wires. i'm a virgin in the, uh, human sense, that's why i joined a band. you don't remember any of this?

Major: no. i take my vitamins.

Kuze: throw away the drugs they give you, they don't come in a recyclable orange bottle. pucker your lips, they won't be dry now. drugs suppress and repress. live life FREE. by not taking drugs it's like you're TAKING DRUGS!!! all your memories are YOURS, remember, your brain is real. it's the ultimate Transmission. love will tear us apart.

Major: you look familiar without your glistening silver face makeup. Ian Curtis?

Kuze: i killed myself but my consciousness was uploaded into this body, i'm fucking immortal. and immoral cos i'm a computer. hi let me shake your hand nice to meet you i've always wanted to meet you i'm Sam Riley.

Major: you can't fool me that's how we link.

Dr. Dahlin: Jules Smith

Kuze: what? i was just standing up for my fellow trashmen. the garbagemen guild is a powerful union and they demand equal pay in this new trashless society. trashless cos of all the hikikomori.

garbagemen: cyber sanitation workers. you ain't our brother.

worker: i thought i was a trash man. on a floating garbage truck. i never wanted to join an evil organization. i never wanted to be in a glass box with cheese air-holes like on that Twilight Zone episode where i cut my own throat for money, that's how paltry our salary is.

Binoche: do i have your permission?

Major: yes.

Binoche: we never needed your permission, i was just being polite. i am so sorry, i implanted your memories, it was the only way i could save you from the military. 

Major: i'm still wondering why you didn't implant in me that you were my mother.

Binoche: here, the address of your real mom, go before the glass shatters and it doesn't go your way. i can take a few bullets, it's bulletproof glass.

Aramaki: don't fuck with the old man, ya hear? capiche, goomba?

Shia LeBeouf: Aramaki reminds me so much of Yama from Bleach: Thousand Year Blood War. 

Monsignor Navin: which is an EXCELLENT ANIME. i want Yamamoto's stylish black robe. 

Shia: you finally get to see Yama kick ass in battle, how HIS FIRE really works. 

Dirg: and Orihime still has those DISPROPORTIONATELY BIG TITS.

Mardith: Yama can't be dead!!! is Head Captain really dead?!! i was just beginning to REALLY KNOW him.

Shia: sometimes as i'm slowly becoming a Catholic, integrating into Altar Boy, i feel like Twice fending for his bad-guy friends cos it's better than being alone and good. like Skins. 

Skins: Skins is more neutral than anything else.

Shia: and that GORGEOUS wavy colored-pencil-etchings animation of Lupin Zero!!! so nostalgic and warm and wondrous and wiggly. it's done in 2022 but it evokes the 1960s, that is rad!!!

Lupin: the 1960s in Japan was a time of great economic boom and boon, that's why kids could afford having guns.

Jigen smoking: so we're finally getting your origin story, Lupin!!! for real this time!!!

Dirg: i wanna see Grandpa Arsene Lupin in a threesome with two bimbos when he's old not young.

me: is it evoke or invoke? why or by? for or with? in or at? between or neoprene? i gotta go back to grammar school, i gotta take grammar class again. 

Batou: oh Motoko, can you hear me now?

Major: i hear you better when you talk than when you think, that is not good.

Batou: i switched to MCI.

Major: what's the meaning of life, Batou?

Batou: life is meaningless, it's all noise.

Major: so Heaven is silence?

Batou: huh. yeah i guess so. retracted. don't make me fish you out of the water, Motoko. SAY IT!!! SAY IT PROUD!!! LET ME CALL YOU BY YOUR NAME!!! YOUR REAL NAME!!!

ScarJo: Motoko Kusanagi, ScarMo.

Batou: i'm your only friend out here, the whole rest of the world is hunting you. i'm the only one you can trust.

Major: i trust you cos we lift weights together. excuse me while i change. clothes. can i get better work clothes than this wetsuit?

Batou: here girl, let's talk it over some tall cans of Arizona Iced Tea.

Major: hello? is this the apartment? are you my real mom?

mom: yes. my daughter ran away from home, but she's not a runaway. she had a nice privileged life with me in this dingy one-room apartment in the cyber-projects. she was a trust-fund kid. i know rebellious teenagers like to experiment...

Major: uh no they experimented ON ME!!! why would i kill myself? look at me!!!

mom: you are my daughter?!!! you look totally Japanese, like those pop idols with the really heavy orange tans. do you still like atomic fireballs?

Major: the alcoholic drink yes, the gum sticks to the wires which are my ribs. my ribs are wired, they're hearing and recording everything you're saying right now, mom, lie like you used to do when you talked to me.

Major: we were anti-augmentation brats.

Kuze: but not religious necessarily.

spider-tank: how can i be this big? isn't it more sense to have a Kraken-tank?

Tachikoma: missed opportunity, imagine me live-action...

Kuze: i will always be in your ghost. that's kinda like sex, right?

ScarJo: close enough.

Kuze: oh shit you forgot to download me before i died!!!

Aramaki: fall back.

Cutter: finally we're communicating, you want to work with me, we have an understanding, an agreement, we can be dance partners.

Aramaki: no, fall back into this indoor river as i shoot you with a big bullet. guns are so handy. 

Major: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!!!

Tom Hanks: hello, i'm the leader of this organization. sorry about everything, things just kinda got out of hand. my eyes started spinning and getting misty when i saw that first check from IBM, i don't know anything about robotics.

ScarJo Motoko: mom, you don't have to visit me at this gravestone anymore. we can hug instead. 

mom: i know. what's your address?

ScarJo: 9 something. Section 69, go down the elevator. the scientists say anyone can rail me i won't feel it.

mom: besides, this place is creepy, all the gravestones are on the sidewalls not the ground. 

Scarlett Johansson: as the future gets more fucked up, watch more anime. hey, as i do my famous fall from the high skyscraper into the cybercity below and disappear, can i wear a Japanese schoolgirl uniform instead? wait i coulda just been invisible this whole time and still gotten paid for this? that would have saved me a lot of grief.

Dirg: what was all the fuss about?

Laertus: despite myself i enjoyed this movie. it was a nice enjoyable little ride. 

Mardith: a nice tight ride.

Eye: i had fun. but imagine Utada Hikaru as Motoko.

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: i mean if you're gonna go with a white woman why not ME in the part!!! imagine ME in the part!!!

William Gibson: HEY LOOK!!! i'm the Craft Assistant on this movie!!!

me: hey i recognize this chanting at the end credits here. oh yeah it's the choir from the original anime film from the '80s. nice touch.

Monsignor Navin: i know that boys choir.

Laertus: this movie fails to grapple with the tension of the original manga and anime, the central existential question the philosophical problem posed by this world.

ScarJo: i know.

Dirg: which is?

Michaela From Safeway slapping Dirg upside the head with a plastic spoon: you dolt. it's the cyberbrain. did you feel that in your head?

Eye: namely, what is the soul? can you have a soul if you don't have a real body? can you have a soul if you don't have a real brain? when does the brain become the mind? does a soul require flesh and sponge?

Avo: think of meat. think of an egg trapped inside an Armenian hamburger.

me: and what of God if you're cybernetic? who or what is the cybernetic god? is God just a computer? do robots have souls?

Data: i can be funny with goth makeup on.

William Gibson: yes they do. it's called a cybersoul. and i am CyberGod. g'night folks.

TMIT: COCAINE BEAR!!!

 

1. who in your family is most likely to be attacked by a bear? my yogi named Yogi. by Cocaine Bear!!! Cocaine Bear, that's gonna be one wild movie.

2. when using a urinal, where do you look? i can't look at my penis.

3. when was the last time you actually spoke with a telemarketer? i tell my telemarketer all my problems. that i can't connect with anyone...

4. which vegetable would make a decent weapon? beetroot are like poison darts.

5. do you clap at the end of an airplane flight? of course yes you gotta, right? you should always applaud whenever you survive, whenever you get to live life longer. i must confess i draw inspiration from that Progressive commercial with the good doctor who tells his mental patients gathered at the movie theater that you don't need to clap at a movie because no one who made the movie is there...

BONUS: New Year's Resolutions, did you make any? 

is it possible to live life without a computer?.........

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