Mr. Diamond: think of the most perfect room you've ever been in. i won't mark you down if you don't say my classroom with the orange shag rug up on the 3rd floor with no ventanas, no windows, no circulation. just a beautiful sunset every afternoon at 4.
me: my bedroom. my bed is my table.
Avo: my bedroom. in my homeland.
Michaela From Safeway: i love when Lucio's not around, i get the mansion in the Sherman Oaks Hills all to myself. i put the BIG-SCREEN TV ON MY BED!!! oh who am i kidding? we ALL miss Lucio DEARLY!!! like a devastated beaver.
Paul Newman: all of you gathered here feeling terribly, follow me.
Tatjana Patitz: i wish i had had GREEN HAIR throughout my career!!! i mean what's the point of having a pretty face if you don't use that face to SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT. all that matters is Nature. my perfect face is a very very small infinitesimally tiny part of Nature. i always begged my photographers to shoot me in a woodland clearing but they all wanted me to hang from the Eiffel Tower. i was BEGGING the fashion press to call me Mother Nature but they insisted on dubbing me Pretty Patitz.
George Michael: you're finally experiencing freedom now, with me...
Rosso Furniture: in Gilroy and Morgan Hill. after the iconic mother with the boxing gloves died i was sure it would get liquidated, but the daughter took over and got herself a tall spicy blonde sidekick who was not her mother...
Red Bull parrots commercial: individualism vs. the collective good, this is a sharp dialectic on the impossibility of this debate set in a saved Amazon Rain Forest...
colored frosting: for hair not cake.
beautiful shiner: not a black eye, an endangered species of fish.
The Far Pavilions: the Hindu The Thorn Birds
Suzy Lu: that's why i love Kakashi so much, cos he has that sexy Sharingan eye and i'm blind in one eye..
Dasha Navalnaya: i'm Jamie Lynn Spears if she were a tall Russian basketball player.
Jamie Lynn Spears: make that an army brat falling out of a helicopter...
Big Time Rush: is there a Glee curse? of course there is. shoulda stayed with us in the shallow waters...
Boc: exercise is useless.
Adam Rich: you gotta admit, faking your own death is kinda funny the more you think about it 30 years later. death, that's rich. ah, Might Magazine in San Franciso, the innocent days of zines and street interviews. NOW you'll look up and watch that lost episode of Dungeons & Dragons, huh.
Suzanne Ciani: Bolinas is where i hide. California is a great great big place to hide from the world so i can really do the music i want to do...
Norah Jones: the thing is tho, drums aren't empty...
the best part of Bleach: Thousand -Year Blood War may be.........
the
haiku
at
the
end
of
each
episode
Del Monte Forest: we need a forest to build a new mall...
TMIT: if you want to heal, don't go to a spa, go to TMIT. don't illegally bring a bath bomb into a spa, soak your soul at Too Much Information Tuesday on BlogSpot, a place so special and kind it's like Uzumaki for unicorns.
John Larroquette: it's like Golden Girls in my head, i'm the last of the original Night Court crew, everyone else is dead, Dan Fielding is Betty White!!! i'm not fielding questions for compliments, i can't play the Dan of old, i'm fucking 70 years old now!!! i can't have sex with the guest star or the random court hooker or the bailiff or Harry Stone's daughter anymore, okay?!!!
Doryce: witch's ladder is my vagina.
Bender from Futurama: don't worry, i'll tell you where the floods are.
Sega Activator: for Jheri curls
New York City: the only place on Earth that still has bookstores...
Laertus: is there anything better than Nada Tawfik on location standing in a NYC bookstore?
Eye Luggage: ...
Jerrod Carmichael: you had no idea what people in Hollywood actually made before i spilled the tea, huh. $500,000.00 for a hosting gig?!!! YOWZERS!!! ONE HOSTING GIG creates generational wealth for an entire neighborhood block!!!
Tom Cruise: Shelly is at my house. she's sipping tea as we speak. she's on a cruise ship, the cruise went long cos of covid. she took over duties at the Cheers bar after Kirstie Alley died...
Shelley Long: extra e. not Extasy spelled with an x. you know when i was on that set my title was bartendress but everyone kept calling me a wet wench...
Reese's Puffs Ambush Universe: AI for kids.
Reese's Puffs cereal: don't you love how Reese's Puffs has an entry in Wikipedia?
Eye Luggage: The Disaster Artist and go.
Tommy Wiseau: i'm 69 years old. i'm from Poland. and my wealth is from the lumber industry. i used to be an angry young man but i've cooled in my old age, i toss the football around with the fans at those Rocky Horror-esque Midnight Mass showings of The Room. i'm chill about my career. i was wizened but now i am wise. oh, and never go to France.
James Franco: i didn't just read the CliffsNotes, i actually interviewed Tommy Wiseau before...
Laertus: can i just say, THIS MOVIE WAS A DELIGHT!!! it was A PLEASURE TO WATCH this, i needed this, i needed to laugh again.
Tommy Wiseau: i never trusted the people i worked with, look at the cameraman and his producers, they behind my back went up north and made documentary exposing i'm from Poland. i hate that, i hate when friends stab. never trust anyone from Canada.
Laertus: see this is what i mean, WITHIN FIVE MINUTES you're laughing your ass off!!! the performance by James Franco of Tommy Wiseau is SO FUCKING FUNNY.
Tommy Wiseau: and exact. this is exactly how i act. in real life.
James Franco sipping a water bottle: I DID NOT. OH HAI MARK. is it just me or is the entire language track on The Room one minute behind? it's like the dubbing got mixed just a tad slow. i mean even the SYNOPSIS IS FUCKING HILARIOUS: Tommy Wiseau, whose movements are at once frightening and strange, whose herky-jerky speech patterns make him talk like he's on something, known as The Dracula Rapist, Eddie Munster's Weird Uncle, he scares his coworkers on set...
Laertus: this was actually my very first James Franco/Seth Rogen buddy road comedy i've ever watched, it will probably be the last but it was worth it!!!
Dave Franco: look at my smile!!! i have THE MOST HANDOSME BIG GRIN of all time!!! i didn't want the part to just ride my brother's coattails and just be a nepo baby.........but.........i mean if it means i get to marry Alison Brie with French cheese in Paris i'm blessed and frankly i don't care what people call me behind my back. i mean those Superbad dorks and dweebs except McLovin can't bully me so who cares?
Seth Rogen: so what were you laughing at in that scene? that scene was sad and tragic and denoted devastating loss about breast cancer.
James Franco: don't you love how i imitate Tommy Wiseau's famous AIRY SCOFF laugh he does instead of actually laughing?
Ari Graynor: I'M BUILT LIKE A BRICK HOUSE.
Dirg: yep.
Frankie Muniz: this is an Adult Swim reunion!!!
Janet Wood the florist: hi doggie. don't you wish sports radio was kinder? why isn't there healthy dog food yet? Paul Newman's eyes aren't blue, they're made of water. Jack Tripper once barked like a dog on my bed.
acting coach: what the fucking hell was that?!!!
Tommy: I'M FUCKING FREE ON THAT STAGE, LADY!!! I'M FREE WHEN I ACT!!! my onstage performance is NOT my onstage persona!!! i do what i want, i thrust my jeans penis in the air lying down on my back in the spotlight doing the Stella monologue, I RAINBOW-CURVE MY THRUSTS. there's no wrong way to do a scene, it's how you FEEL.
acting coach: yeah whatever, i'm just here cos my husband Antonio Banderas looks like Marlon Brando, he's gonna ace the audition here in San Francisco and fly either to Los Angeles or probably New York.
Greg Sestero: i love how unshackled you are when you act, you are so loose and unencumbered up there on stage. i can't pay for acting class anymore, it's too expensive. i do NOT want to be a model.
Tommy: i'm just me, you know? wanna move down to L.A. and become actor? it's easy. i gotta place down there, the Full House house.
Greg: yeah let me just tell my mom i'm leaving with you.
Greg's mom: honey, it's not easy becoming an actor, it's for the 1%, you know? you have to have CONNECTIONS, NOT TALENT. i mean look at me, i had to walk with a cane for 8 fucking seasons!!!
Greg: why are we out here at James Dean's crash site in the middle of the night?
Tommy: because everyone says i look like James Dean...
Greg: you are very protracted and bizarre, that's why you're my best friend. how do you afford so many mansions all over the country? are you independently rich? why does your Mercedes look like a dirty 1980 Nissan Sentra? do you have a lot of untaxed money stashed away in the basement of this Crookedest Street condo with the 90210 address?
Tommy: don't worry about it, man, i'm good for it. i make a lot of gumbo in New Orleans.........you know that's not far off from the truth. did you know Red Bull is only made in San Francisco? i prefer these slender silver cans to those fat Arizona cans, i like dainty things. i like dainty tea.
Greg Sestero: that's me as the talent-agent bookie!!! i'm evaluating myself!!! very existential.
talent agent: i want this one for myself. in the back room. spread your legs for me.
Dave Franco Greg: but i'm not wearing a skirt, i'm wearing pants.
Judd Apatow: i'm really that brutal when i get accosted by randos trying to slip me scripts when i'm at Chez A.C. Slater for restaurant dinner with my family. tow his car away. next time, come at me at an In N Out Burger, okay young scriptwriter?
Tommy: screenplayist?
Ernie's Mexican Restaurant: we make authentic Mexican food from Hollywood, by a young chico cook who will also fix your car at the garage, just don't tell The Man, he's sleeping.
Tommy: whatever, i'll just do my own movie. i'll write the script myself, i'll type all 1000 pages. why does SpellCheck keep offering me nonsense words?...
Laertus: now see, i hadn't known that before me viewing this, now i know how the industry works. people RENT the big cameras, it's very rare to buy the cameras outright. especially student filmmakers and the first-timers. making notes. so that's how they do it, that's how they can afford it. you know you never think about just renting a bike, right? you always want that bicycle for yourself.
camera-shop dude: yeah don't worry, just return the equipment by tonight, i'm filming Bill Cosby's first standup special...
Zac Efron as the thug in the beanie: i'll fucking kill you.
Tommy: omg Zac Efron i'm worried about you after that, that was REAL, folks, that wasn't acting, this guy's a MONSTER, are you okay, Zac Efron? Zac Efron you wanna talk about your life of basketball as i get the football?
Tommy Wiseau: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!!! you know what that was? my Ian Curtis impression.
1999: unfortunately, 1999 will always be known forever in time as the Shakespeare in Love year...
Jacki Weaver: why do we do what we do? why do i drive from my hovel in Mexico to the set in L.A. 500,000 miles away? well for one Mexico is a very dangerous country. we're ACTORS, MAN. our jobs are fun as fuck!! it's not like we're streetsweepers or bus drivers, you know? so what we take lunch at a St. Cyril's playground table. don't worry, i fainted but i just don't like drinking water.
Laertus: okay this is the FUNNIEST SCENE OF ALL TIME. i know i know but there's just something when James Franco struts down the set in his bare butt like he owns the place, i mean that is RISIBLE.
James: not to mention the wood clothespin holding my junk in a sock.
Gladyce: ...
James: no penis double that was all me.
Mardith: so we're just gonna ignore all of James Franco's real-life sexual-harassment complaints against him on set?.........i know i know it was funny it was funny.
Eye: for the record what gets me in the mood is The Cure. not Depeche Mode, unpopular opinion.
Laertus: making notes.
Seth Rogen: does he know where the vagina is? he's thrusting her bellybutton. i know where the vagina is, i've worked with Barbra Streisand. you want sexy rain at the Titanic? i'm outta here, i got an audition for Donkey Kong...
Tommy: no movie has ever been successful without a naked butt. look at Hitchcock and Kubrick, both men had all their movies with naked butts. naked MALE butts i might add.
Dave Franco: you can't treat people this way, Tommy!!! hey, you tell me the MOMENT you feel uncomfortable with the sex scene, okay? DO NOT HESITATE!!! there is no pimple cream on set!!!
Ari Graynor: i've felt uncomfortable since day one of starting this project...
Bryan Cranston at the donut shop: why am i so gruff in my appearance here? i'm not like that, i'm loose and jolly and jovial and joking, the producers thought i couldn't slough off my Breaking Bad persona. take a break from being serious. so you haven't gotten your big break yet?
Greg: no.
Bryan: keep plugging away, it'll come. keep plugging. keep plugging Alison Brie. i'm the boss of you now. you want a part in my TV show Little Malcolm?
Greg: and how!!! lumberjack, right? it's my beard.
Bryan: you've watched the Monty Python lumberjack skit to prepare, right?
Greg: i don't know Monty Python.
Bryan: oooooh you don't want to be admitting that at your audition.
Greg: you know what, i'm gonna keep the beard and try for The Virgin Suicides...
Greg: my Dodgers tryout did not work out. like all actors, my fallback is i'm doing Death of a Salesman...
Greg: i'm doing theatre now. you wanna try theatre again?
Tommy: remember when we met on a stage? at Berkeley? in that pirate play with Jennifer Pizarro?...
James Franco: Greg, thanks for saving me when i stormed out. this isn't Tommy Wiseau and Greg Sestero embracing on stage and waiting for the zesty interview and audience Q&A after the movie, this is James and Dave Franco fist-bumping cos the Franco Brothers did a project together.
Dave Franco: it brought us closer together, i'm not jealous of you anymore, Jimmy.
Tommy Wiseau at the premiere theater: ACTING IS TRUTH. this is MY MOVIE. see this isn't supposed to be a joke, The Room was my serious examination of my life and what led me to suicide-shoot me with a gun. it's not supposed to be funny, it's supposed to be a drama. i did my best writing the script and i acted the best i could without any lessons either way.
Mark Borchardt puts his arm around Tommy Wiseau and hugs him in the aisle.
Mark Borchardt: i feel you, brother. MAKING A MOVIE IS A MIRACLE. you went after your dream. you should be ETERNALLY PROUD OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT, my man. i love you. my movie was my life, too, it was ABOUT my life.........except mine was splatter horror.
James Franco: my movie ended up being surprisingly heartfelt, huh. for being completely ridiculous from minute one till the end. g'night folks.
Lucio Rossi: this is a movie about friendship. about a friendship that survives Hollywood, a friendship that survives being apart for years. so much so that the two are still doing presentations together years later. it's never too late to reconnect...
Paul Newman leads them to his Newman's Own headquarters in Westport, Connecticut.
Paul: remember Cheetos? not the Flamin' Hot ones, the Original Crunchy ones.
Michaela From Safeway: yes, in those cute little tiny bags.
Avo: yes, they are a Crespi memory.
me: no, they are a ST. CYRIL'S hot-lunch memory!!!
Paul: can you help me out over here with this baling wire?
Madame Pons with her starry- and heart-shaped eyes: it would be my pleasure, Paul Newman.
Paul Newman: i gotta go to Montecito and help Ellen's river overflow if you know what i mean.
Ellen DeGeneres: i now dance for two forever.
Paul Newman: floodwaters are scary but not as scary as the gushing. LOOK AT THIS PLACE!!! look at the Newman's Own headquarters!!! it's so intimate and warm. the brick walls are evocative of a small liberal-arts campus nestled in the woods of a New England mining town. this is the college of cottage cheese. THIS is the best room on Planet Earth, that same planet i am single-handedly saving with my eco-friendly products. we all must be caretakers of this world, tend to it like a mother mad as hell. g'night folks.
Greykid Mlem and Blep: all we see is the dog food. where's the Newman's Own Cat Food? and we don't like your salsa, we like that Ortega Salsa in that hot-water-bottle-shaped glass bottle with the tubular tube top and Aztec hieroglyph markings on the scratched glass at the tip that reminds us of St. Cyril's in the 1980s.
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