notes:
* omg Roger Federer was in the first Rose Parade in 1893!!! you knew if there had to be a first time-traveler it would somehow be Roger.
* Vanguard Annuity Insurance: live the Family Ties life. from young hippies in love to greystone retirement mansion in the hills villa. now THAT's finding your soul mate to activate marriage goals.
* Michael Weiss: why is everyone continuing Instagram into 2023 with such FERVOR, DESPERATION, AND TENACITY?!!! WHAT'S THE POINT?!!!
* Spicy Mountain Dew: your tongue is on fire. not everything has to be Flamin' Hot, can i just get some Regular Tamales?
* Cloud Cult: greatest name for a band ever? yes.
* Unohana: SPOILERS!!! turns out i was Kenpachi before Kenpachi!!! that was a pretty awesome reveal. it's always the quiet ones.
* Laertus: yeah i don't know but I LOVE RUN-ON SENTENCES!!! that's just how i write.
* Tyzik: remember, YOU are someone's New Year's Resolution...
* Gladyce: Happy Day, my beloved, here's your gift!!!
Doryce: this is my present?
Gladyce: we witches have a different calendar.
Doryce: OH IT'S A VIBRATOR!!! i can never have enough of those.
Gladyce: no dear, it's a shrimp deveiner with a big long curvy point.
Doryce: oh. thank you, dear. i wish it were metal but plastic's satisfying, too.
* Yoko from Lupin Zero: i'm not Fujiko disguised with pink hair. Americans reek like wild boar, they smell like animals. i can say this cos it's 1960s Japan.
me: wait, that whistling at the end credits of Lupin Zero episodes, i've heard that before.
Rubikon: that Bill rap song.
Che Guevara: that's MY motorcycle whistling!!!
me: it's that Alfred Hitchcock whistling.
Lupin III: omg did you see that?!!! MY DAD ANIMATED for the first time ever!!! Lupin II has a nice car and a nice blonde driving that's not my mom.
* Charles III: there's not enough money for Meghan Markle. doesn't she have some money in that silver suitcase?
* Prince Harry: Chelsy Davy taught me what a stallion was that afternoon delight in an English country field behind a pub. i always just thought it was a horse. magic mushrooms proved to me that the Smurfs were made at Stonehenge. you know i've always wanted to be a British astronaut, LET'S FINALLY GO INTO SPACE THIS WEEKEND. i'm not welcome on Earth. i actually killed 50 Taliban fighters but half of them were the fog of war the dust of war there was a lot of sand in the air as i played cards with my mates. mom wanted me to be Will's wingman but i ended up his hitman. why didn't my brother like my wife? cos she was a cat person and Will was a dog-bowl person. my relationship with my brother is akin it's like you know i compare it to Ritchie Valens and Bob...
me: P.S. I FREAKIN' LOVE PRINCE HARRY!!!
* Ragged Point: when you don't tuck your shirt in.
Codrus: i remember Ragged Point in the 1950s right next to our monastery, the ice-bluefin Chevies, Daddy's T-birds, all the bikini babes, so many love leaps, so many slippery coconuts...
* Kentucky Sober: no this isn't a joke, this is a real sober house, there's a big problem down here.
* Michael Weiss at New Year's Eve: Anderson Cooper doesn't care about me anymore, he's busy with his kids. i gotta find somebody new. Kathy Griffin? no.
* Barbara Walters: stump grinding? i know it well, i talk about sex all day with my View ladies off-camera. stump grinding is Eric Nies as a tree...
* Floral Burnout: name of Mardith's new goth band
* don't do your taxes. before going to jail don't crush the little people with that giant hamburger!!! how to win at chess: kiss. ride off into the sunset on that Twilight Zone horse black stallion. oh and have TurboTax help you so you don't land in prison.
* Peloton: Dry January? please, you need WET to grease those bike wheels!!! Peloton is an elitist health cult? you told you that? Mr. Big?
* Taco Bell: don't use the green sauce, it ruins the burrito. sure, we can deliver your food on a drone, but is the drone real or is the drone only in your VR?...
* Low E? solution: Tiger Blood.
* the lateral play: an NFL gambler's worst nightmare.
* please, American Express, no more with that ad, i still haven't gotten my new laptop and can of beans from Walmart...
Cynthia Suarez: hey i wasn't THAT FAT as a chubby-cheeked kid!!! you want your business to blow up? get yourself an influencer who gives the peace-sign and sticks out her tongue to lick it.
* Matthew McConaughey for Salesforce: basically what i'm saying is get off Twitter. *group clap*
* i'm jealous when i see people with laptop computers in commercials...
* Dr. Rick
me: okay i don't use combination locks but the thing is my recycling bins really do need to be cleaned, cleansed, like they need to be FUMIGATED WITH WATER, those things have caked-on dirt from the Stone Age. what are you supposed to do? my trash cans are covered in amber-colored pterodactyl syrup.
happy weekend, my babies. hot lunch TOMORROW? no, it all got washed out in the rain...
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