Drew Barrymore takes a crosscountry trip through the country---the island of Monte Carlo that is---using only one tank of natural bee-honey as gas. she is trying to discover the meaning of life when she runs over an old man on the one street:
Drew: sorry, dude, i honor you...
Plato: please, miss, dress me vintage for my upcoming prom reunion...
Drew: okay but this doesn't mean we're dating...
Plato: step into my Closet...
Dirg: you know i just discovered this now, you know how Jesse can attract a 10 and French 10 like Celine? he ACTS like a serial killer. see he ISN'T a serial killer but he ACTS like one, women love mysterious danger...
Celine: no i'd sleep with you forever if you DIDN'T leave the Paris Climate Accord...
Mardith: what's your skincare routine, babe?
Madame Pons: LUSH soaps...on my face and butt...
Cotard: imagine a world where you were able to democratically vote a dictator out of office...
President Bump: IT'S RIGGED! IT'S CHEATING! STOP THE COUNT! IT'S NOT THE FIRST TO 270, IT'S THE LAST TO 270! STOLEN ELECTION! STOLEN CHILDHOODS, GET THE COUNT FROM SESAME STREET! DO THE ELECTION OVER! SECOND ELECTION! was that okay, boss?
Codrus: okay you held your end, now i guess i gotta make sure YOUR name appears FIRST every time ANYONE in the world googles your name on Instagram...
Takahashi: i'm not shaving my head like i usually do every two months. i'm keeping my rally beard going...
Cotard: that scraggly old thing? beautiful. monk-worthy, either side of the sun...
Dirg: i mean i never knew Japanese could grow a man's beard like that...
Laertus: for my part i'm typing in Biden Wins in the google search square whenever i can, keep putting that out there in the universe. which will become the digital universe before long...
Cotard: soon enough. eventually. already.
Boc: see i normally don't water when it's cold and grey out cos usually those days are when it's raining...
Dave Chappelle gets ready to get out on that SNL stage. he spits in a tin cup and does one more golf swing in the eaves...
Chappelle: better than Kendrick all day.
he stomps his lit cigarette out under his boot right there on the stage as the clapping audience wafts the smoke everywhere in the studio. Lorne is worried when Dave walks out there alone...
Chappelle: it's okay, Lorne, i don't need bodyguards...Biden won...
Rubikon backstage: no that's why you DO need bodyguards. and i am one of those bodyguards. the reason i was sleeping at my station by the tv front desk wasn't my fault. nothing to do with my skin, it's not MY fault the election is taking so long. too long. come on, guys. are you kidding me? they sell Melanin in white-pill-form at that quaint froufrou corner health market in the Obec Flats. what's going on with all that? why do little old white ladies need to have Melanin in their stomachs? that's the recipe for a stomach tap, either the pump or the porn...
Laertus's pile collection in his love loft with Eye Luggage consists of Silver Screen magazine, the one with Greta Garbo on the cover. and Screenland magazine...
Eye Luggage: i fell for a dirty old man who keeps dirty magazines under the bed. dirty as in they have a film layer of heavy dust on the cover...
Madame Pons goes on a date with Takahashi at the McDonald's Tea Garden in Singapore...
MEANWHILE Dirg is at the Poke House:
Poke House: don't poke fun at us. your order is fresh and safe...
Dirg, alone without Takahashi: that's sir to you. yeah we'll see about that!!!.........it's not that it's not safe in this stickered brown bag, it's that your fish isn't safe cos it tastes like sewer...
Doryce went to The Store for some muddy buddies......she was greatly disappointed...
right there in the aisle Doryce forces Dirg to drink Java-Monster Oat Milk:
Doryce: down the hatch, deary! want me to use the crowbar? i've got the crowbar at the tip of my little finger here...
Dirg: why you gotta be all witch on Halloween. okay, okay...
Doryce: sowing your wild oats?
Dirg: nah it just tastes vegan...
Rebecca Wragge Sykes flies up into the clouds in her ragged jeans, votes-by-mail in space to join the Orchid Girls, then teleports to Cardiff to begin filming the Clan of the Cave Bear reboot...
Pons stocks an empty shelf at LUSH with sunbutter.
Pons: gotta save a tin for Drew Barrymore...
the crones form a Firewall when they visit Central Grocery in Nawlins...
Doryce: muffuletta, i was CERTAIN that meant eating-your-cunt-out in the Deep South.
Gladyce: i love the rich-brown atmosphere in those shelves...
Takahashi: the counties of Los Angeles are like the parishes in the UK or New Orleans, you know the name of every square block...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?...
Tyzik: Raising Miranda was the influencer of Say Anything...
Eye Luggage: Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" sounds like "Sailing" by Christopher Cross...
Dirg: "In Your Eyes" sounds like Toto's "Africa" tho...
Abraham Rodriguez: wow. that was a great episode last there! had my parents finally in it and everything! great way they weaved that script, was not expecting something novel from Power Rangers to wrap up the symmetry of why Nate's parents are always away Hey Arnold-style (to help others) and why Nate could never leave his Ranger family (to help others, save the city). but for FUCK sake i can't even KISS Zoey?!! just hugs? fuck hugs...
Nate Silva: don't blame ME if all the votes don't get counted...
Dirg: yeah i dunno, Nickelodeon allows kissing and calling each other "baby" at NIGHT, just not during the DAY. kids shows vs. iCarly, the battle continues...
Melissa Villasenor: what the FUCK am i doing being alone for 9 months by myself in my studio apartment!!! i'm hot, i'm on SNL, i have the Meg-Ryan squiggly cute nose and face, after all that i'm still just another lonely gamer? are you kidding me!!?
Takahashi: welcome to the club......and "bless you"...
Dirg: covid's a bitch...
Nina Gordon: the year 2000 is when everything fell apart. all the great '90s bands broke up, i started to do my solo albums full of Whitney Houston music. and Veruca Salt for their part continued putting out their grunge albums without me, which was weird. they got a new girl who looked like Fairuza Balk...
Mardith: did a reading on Halloween!! swam in freezing cold temperatures off the coast of the island.
Dirg: were you naked?
Mardith: yes, to stem dementia.
Dirg: call me when you do this next time...
Mardith: i swam INSIDE the Halloween Blue Moon!!...
Takahashi: Malaysia is such a regal country. the people speak with such regal accents.
Dirg: at least the waterfalls are bougie...
Gladyce: never eat the meatballs off the spaghetti. save yourself from stomach sick...
President Bump visits Raniere in prison:
Raniere: i'll keep my seat warm for you.
Bump: what?
Raniere: i learned how to cult from you...
Doryce: Cheektowaga.
Dirg: evil place. witches dwell there. not for cheesecake.
Gladyce: not ass cheeks, face cheeks...
Doryce: no it IS ass cheeks! those ass cheeks that hang droopy in the jeans trousers of the towing man...
Dirg: Coco Rocha joins the Orchid Girls, but you can't. you can't be a Christian and a model, once you have a kid you're damaged goods...
Nina Gordon: i sang "the Earth looked black", not "the Earth looked flat..."
Lizzy Gulino and Sophie Koko Gate join the Orchid Girls...
Sophie: no i don't work with the zoo gorillas...
Dirg: you feed them bacon slime tho, right?...
Scarjo joins her husband at the SNL Weekend Update newsdesk...
Lorne: not to do a bit, just to be there for moral support...
Boc: on my rounds today i found a piece of the hose but it turned out to be Miss Scarlet from Clue's cigarette holder. a crushed ladybug but thank goddess it turned out to be a stomped jolly-rancher jellybean...
Dirg: why you crying?!! if your father is dead he deserved it...
Boc: running my hose back i snagged the hose on a precious flower and snapped it dead! i've been crying all day...
Dirg: pink flower tho...
Rubikon: black boxes...
Dirg: you're becoming a pilot like Quagmire?...
Rubikon: no, jail bail...
Laertus: Sonic espresso commercial is racist.
Rubikon: yep, goes back to the whole ask/ax thing.
Dirg: Cobain had a powder-blue ax...
Jim Cantore: boarding up storefronts...not for a hurricane, for post-election violence...
Takahashi: Cafe Lumiere...
Dirg: we gotta save it! if only for the anime! if only to get you off my back!
Takahashi: it's closing.
Dirg: wait it's not a Disney Store?
Takahashi: you don't mind that it's women-led?...
Laertus to Dirg: you especially need to wear a mask, you have the biggest mouth...
Gladyce: you know it'd be nice if there was a recycling bin in the grocery store...
Gladyce at The Store: if i could take 2 Vanquish pills a day, i would have a more sanguine rest of my life...
Doryce at The Store: whenever i enter The Store, it's never cold in here, it's just tepid and lukewarm, musty air...
Mardith: want me to take off my T-shirt?...
Takahashi's next ride: an orange Leyland P76...
Dirg: aw i thought it was a Bell P76...
Gladyce: spare a thought for those people who did their grocery-shopping on Election Day...
Mariah Davis joins the Orchid Girls, helping out at the phonebank...
Mariah: remember, Christmas begins November 1st...
Eye: Almost Famous and go...
Tyzik: better title than Untitled...
Dirg: i would have gone with Hey Lady...
Laertus: Patrick Fugit, i like his acting in this. he comes across very believably as a naive awkward 15-year-old kid who doesn't know what the world is yet, who kinda talks funny...
Dirg: ...yet he's supposed to be a genius. Patrick is constantly in the fugue state, but not in the good way...
Eye: i mean those scenes! couldn't be done now. the Quaalude Kiss, that's just date-rape now...
Dirg: yes and i'd appreciate you to address the 15-year-old boy being raped by three older wiser more demony women of the night-in-the-hotel. witch coven. sorry, crone coven. lurid lurers of our young proud boys, defiling them. man, women get away with so much...
Eye: they were temptress tarts that's for sure. not that that's a bad thing. it's Fairuza Balk, man, what more do you want?
Dirg: i mean Patrick just wanted to talk to Penny Lane while she was on the toilet...
Laertus: don't sleep on Billy Crudup, he's not crud. he's not another pretty face! he's not the golden boy! this man can ACT!!! you can see it when he does scenes, when he interacts with others, he's miles ahead of any of his partners. he's better. he displays the crispness of a theatre actor, he honed his skills on the plywood planks of the stage!
Eye: better-looking than you, dear, but i don't care about that stuff. when he jumped off that house during the teen party into the pool that's what that Allman brother did...the blond one...
Dirg: the one who accidentally Cobained himself?...
Dirg: the film starts off with the infamous Chipmunk Song everyone accidentally memorized at Christmas. ironically, Jason Lee would go on to star in that flaccid film version of Alvin + The Chipmunks...
Laertus: yeah what's with Jason Lee and jealousy? he plays all the parts where he's the best friend, or the other guy, to the main guy, Jason Lee is the dude who's always jealous of the star...
Dirg: he talks a good game about music being about freedom. about not caring. but music is the avenue to babes, that's all it's about. if you actually didn't care, you wouldn't practice. compare the trim Pink Floyd gets to the guy in the pink onesie bodysuit who practices reggae garage in his car...
Eye: next time wear a lime-green onesie bodysuit and play the flute...
Dirg: oh come on, they have to have the Asian be "cool" with the '70s paisley silk shirt as the head of Rolling Stone? really?
Laertus: um, he's a real dude, dude...
Dirg: it doesn't make sense tho. Frances McDormand is this supposed strict God-fearing Christian mother who bans rock n roll and drugs, but she's a college professor? huh? how's that work?...
Eye: love Zooey Deschanel. "listen to Tommy with a candle on...it will change your life..."
Dirg: good thing the lad didn't turn to Candle In The Wind...
Laertus: hey man, Elton John is cool. as evidenced by the "Tiny Dancer" singalong on the bus...
Dirg: she wants to become a stewardess....to join the Mile High Club...
Dirg: now see there's your problem. the front school bulletin sign should never be used for lewd acts. it says FUK instead of the very vital information of when recess is so you can plan your club dates. one day it's the school pole, the next it's billboards. ask Frances McDormand, she knows about billboards...
Dirg: even if you're a roadie, if you're a ginger you ain't cool. you're just weird...
Laertus: PSF, the man, the myth, the legend, the tragedy. Philip Seymour Hoffman. i ADORE his relationship with the boy Fugit. cos there's no scandal here, not a hint of it, not a sniff of it, this is a genuine mentor/mentee dynamic between these two depicted on screen not sexual in any way. just kindness. the phone scene is heartrending: two dudes realizing they ain't cool. they'll always be at home and at the mercy while the Crudups get the chicks. commiserating. bonding. genuine. a man and a boy...
Dirg: the only revenge for nerds is to be brutal in your reviews of the chads' music...
Tyzik: btw, The Guess Who really aren't that great...
Pat: i brought the burgers for the apocalypse for everybody...
Laertus: the decision to go with a fictional band---who are really just Creedence Clearwater Revival---is an interesting choice, i wonder how the film would have fared if they depicted a real band instead, like if this band were Zeppelin, Eagles, or Sabbath. and you know Cameron Crowe wanted Jerry Cantrell in the lead, just make it a '70s Alice In Chains and get it over with...
Eye: that would have been an interesting choice to have Jerry! Jerry can act! but that would have necessitated the breakup of Alice In Chains and Layne's health and all...
Dirg: cold. shots fired. dude sells his band-aid girl for a pack of beer at a cardgame. it was Zima so it was cool, collector's item later on...
Dirg: how do you electrocute yourself on your own mic? see, kids, DON'T HYDRATE. don't drink water...drink beer...drink Zima...
Eye: they need a mind as convoluted and sheepish as Mitch Hedberg to figure out the permutations of how Stevie Nicks could have still been a mother and in Fleetwood Mac at the same time...
Dirg: Marc Maron is an asshole. no wonder Robin Williams killed himself...
Dirg: Jay Baruchel took one look at Billy Crudup and realized, "fuck it, i won't make it in this business. i'm sticking to voice-acting." but we all gotta now talk about Fallon...
Laertus: yeah, you can tell, Jimmy Fallon FELL HARD for Kate Hudson during the filming of this, i mean he wanted her to be his WIFE after this! but Kate was having none of it, this was Kate's signature breakout role, she had blinders on making sure she cashed in and secured herself by separating herself from her parents. poor Jimmy...
Dirg: how it should have gone down:
Anna Paquin to Patrick: remember, there's only one instrument that's the future of rock: the Piano...
and Bijou Phillips:
Bijou: no relation to Phil. i got involved with the wrong music, i should have gone with more of an avant-garde experimental style. The Mars Volta or something...
and Patrick:
Patrick: i avoided all the pitfalls of rock: the drugs, the sex, Kate hogged all the quaaludes for herself and i don't remember the sex i had, blacked out or something. and i promise, i WLL avoid killing myself, my suicide comes in another film a couple of years later...
Dirg: nobody confesses their sins when the plane's about to go down and crash in the sky, their gay sins, they steer the plane to Malaysia...
Dirg: btw i KNOW that pilot was Cameron Crowe himself...
Dirg: oh wow actual fact-checkers!!! journalism could learn a thing or two from music journalism...
Laertus: Keith Richards started our fair flighty wondrous angel Cassie-from-Skins Kate Hudson Penny Lane on her journey to be the ultimate independent groupie. to do it for the music. see, Keith Richards gave her a lemon in her Coke. and the Lemon Spezi was born!
Dirg: yeah i dunno, it's weird, i mean her real name is Lady...but that seems made-up, too...
Eye: FAVORITE part of this film: when William Miller says "Hey Lady" and all the women in the terminal turn around, i laughed out loud spontaneously...
Laertus: it only needed Jerry Lewis to turn around and say, "what?"
Dirg: music is that thing...you know, that ineffable thing...like...
Michael Stipe: like what's left out. like James Brown, as long as the song feels good. like what i did in the middle of "The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonite"...
Laertus: the real growth of the character here is subtle and it's not Patrick. it's Frances McDormand and Billy Crudup. Billy is surprised that the mother affects him so much, this big burly rockman who needs no one, he thought he had outgrown life advice, that he had things all figured out with his music. he is dumbfounded and stoned that this housewife can alter him with advice in this way to such a degree.
Eye: he wants her. as a mother. he missed his mom growing up...
Dirg: and of course we all know the truth: EVERY younger brother is DESPERATE to find out the details of his older sister's sex life. he wants to know EVERY GORY DETAIL of how she gets jackknifed like a ragdoll. splattered on the walls. her clothes that is. riding a ceiling fan does not count as Mile High Club, besides, severed-head ceiling fan is how Good Will Hunting Robin Williams got taken out. g'night, folks...
Galivant: we need to discuss this, Pat. we need to take advantage of this moment NOW, it will never come again. when are we gonna have spaces inbetween lockdowns? like spaces inbetween ice ages, it comes but once. we need to go on a road trip. a road trip that never ends, forever.
Pat: like in a bus?
Galivant: yes it's very much like a '70s band always on their way to their next gig...
Pat: i know what i want to do. but what do you want to do?
Galivant: i have the resources. still. you do not. don't know if you will EVER make the money for this. we travel the world, we gallivant the globe, we stay at a place. but only for two weeks. then we pack up and fly to another location, another locale for two weeks. see it never ends, we never drive a stake in it and make roots anywhere, we're always onto the next plane, the next place. growth, not planting roots. we live like this for the rest of our lives. never having a permanent residence, never having a place to call home, a place to get our mail, a place to vote. like Hart to Hart but without the snazzy car...
Pat: but why?
Galivant: this is what it means to be a professional tennis player, this is the only way to escape the madness of the world. our mad times are just going to get madder...
