MY MATTRESS: COTTON-CANDY GRAPES

 

Georgia Kernell: your bed saved me from those godawful frat beds. this mattress was my mattress sanctuary from that oily mattress at the far-end corner of the last frat on the block!!! i know when i'm not welcome at a place, i can sense it. the wine over there didn't smell right.

me: was it any better than, say, a Palm Springs bungalow? the Marilyn Monroe bungalow? the Marilyn bungalow at Palm Springs?!!!

Georgia: you'd think but the wine in Palm Springs never smells right either.

me: omg i mailed a letter for the first time as an adult. you know? from my apartment i took an envelope, licked the Cat Stevens stamp myself, and put it in the blue mailbox next to the Berkeley suburban 7-Eleven, i felt so alive!!! i felt like a man who pays bills!!!

Majin Buu: i'm Curly from The Three Stooges...

Curly: i love bubblegum, too. i eat it, i don't chew it. during The Depression gum only came in pink...

The Fisher King.

Ethel Merman: think of me as Ethel Mermaid...

Amanda Plummer: what a gyp. i can say that because i'm half-gypsy. it's like when you can't find Cinnamon Coke at BevMo...

Jen R: everyone had that white ceramic casserole dish.

mom: ...bot not the one with the grapes.

Amanda: $40? okay, i'll begrudgingly sell my beret.

Robin Williams: i'm the first man in history to do a mudmask.

Jen R: see? I'M HEXED, TOO!!! next time i'll just be a lesbian in a past life...

Muriel: it's the Chinese restaurant from Muriel's Wedding...

Martin Yan: this was the very FIRST dim sum...

Robin: i drink breakfast coffee.

Robin: i have a hard-on for you the size of Florida.

Amanda: we're going to Disney World!!!

doctor: i hang around catatonic patients all day, you'll excuse me if i snort the occasional snuff.

Q: Home Free, a show about three wacky wise homeless guys who love being free, starring Ben Stiller, Robin Williams, and Robert De Niro, Thursday nights on UPN.

Robin: let Yanni without the mustache take over as conductor.

Jack: i realize i love you. and i hate this earring.

Robin Williams: i was a Ronin roaming the streets.........a Robin Ronin. 

Jack: name one person who survived a suicide attempt then went on to be Bill Gates...

Robin Williams: you were given 30 years of bonus time, enjoy it.

Steve Irwin: i was a helper on Legends of the Hidden Temple...

The Big Amish: baseball distracted me from the nervous jitters of Amish prom sex in the back of a covered wagon.

It's a Living.

Earl Boen: i'm Larry from The Three Stooges in your favorite '80s sitcom...

Louise Lasser: it's strange me being on this show, you know? in the tits-out sky-high waitress uniform. i smoke too many cigarettes to be a waitress. 

Z Sword: i mean it's just a regular Zelda white sword...

death in the '80s: a kindly old man with a cigar...

Sonic the Hedgehog speedrun: get it?

beanbag chair: if Shel Silverstein was a chair.

Janis Joplin: i'm in the audience in every Match Game '74 episode...

Friday: Happy New Week!!!

ngon ngon: not that hot dog...

tetrazzini: eating chicken whilst playing Tetris.

Leigh Ann Caldwell: if Joyce Bulifant was a reporter...

Justin Trudeau: but i already look like a Tolkien elf.

Katy Perry: let's go away for the weekend to Orlando, Florida.

Justin: do we have to fuck?

Katy: no, but maple-bacon room service the next morning is a must. 

mom: Deion Sanders and i shop Costco together in the WIDE-ass aisles for 2 green boxes of Depends.

Liam Neeson: Pamela Anderson, i'm dating you because you said you'd help me get Natasha Richardson back...

Los Angeles Clippers: we're the oldest team in NBA history.........we started in 1809...

Frog & Toad: we're an old married couple, now THAT's friends...

Doctor Who dies: it's about bloody time...

Sparky Anderson: when you switched from lion to tiger as your favorite animal, Age 8.

Olmec: dance to the '90s Legends of the Hidden Temple theme song by shaking yo hips then shaking yo ass like that bassist in the Flock of Seagulls "Space Age Love Song" music video...

President Trump: i can never make up my mind because i was a bad actor...

Michael Weiss: approach each day on Instagram as if it were a new day, a brand new day, meet your followers for the first time...

Charles Nelson Reilly: bra.

Richard Dawson: you know what that is?

cheeseboard: chessboard.

Allyn Ann McLerie: i'm the mother of Laverne & Shirley...

Monica Pro: wanna go to San Diego Comic-Con with me? seeing as we suddenly have a lot of free time now with the strike. an indefinite amount of free time...

Leslie Sbrocco: don't have to ask me twice.

Monica: i'm dressing as Android 18. you should dress as Android 18, too.

Leslie: i see it now!!! 

i take Georgia to Star Wars at the Berkeley theater on the corner near the shoebox apartment. matinee showing, there's no one in the crowd, a scant audience.

me: i might as well show you my world. you showed me yours.

Georgia: this is weird. there's no one here. where are all the college students?!!! the point of going to college is to finally watch Star Wars alone!!! well it is the modern flat watered-down turn-of-the-century Star Wars movies that are here just to be cash-grabs, right? here's how you know i'm comfortable in your presence: i'm eating a plate of spaghetti in front of you in a darkened theater.

me: what's that smell?

Georgia: AH!!! THAT's the smell!!! the burning of wine!!! it's my Cabernet Marinara sauce!!!

me: let's get drunk off sauce. yeah i'm with you, that sauce over Four Cheese spaghetti sauce, that stuff is too much cheese, spaghetti already comes with Parmesan cheese, it's too much cheese.

Georgia: i'd swirl some orange vodka spaghetti sauce into my pasta before i'd use Four Cheese.

me: what's the classic use of eggs sauce?

Georgia: sauce on eggs? salt, no pepper.

me: salt AND pepper in the '80s.

Georgia: Tabasco sauce came in the '90s.

me: don't mind me, continue studying this Star Wars film we're watching, i'm just opening my mail from my desk this morning. 

Georgia: don't make noise opening mail, people are trying to concentrate on this Star Wars.

me: that's not fair, the envelope was caught INBETWEEN the middle of the grocery-store coupon-flyer magazine everyone tosses.