MY MATTRESS: THE ONLY TIME I WAS AN ADULT

 

Georgia Kernell: so who were the other women?

me: what?

Georgia: when you think how Junior Year at Berkeley was your best year as an alive person, who were the freedoms you enjoyed?

me: oh you mean THAT woman. yeah, she was a Persian princess, had that Garine Babian look, beautiful in that exotic way only the Middle East affords. she let me tag along as she returned her graduation gown. looking back, she was rubbing it in my face that i was a doomed student. that shade of deep blue was so beautiful tho, i wish i would have worn that gown at least once.

Garine Babian: the shade was beautiful.

me: and then of course there was THAT woman. the one who looked like Ally Sheedy. 

Ally Sheedy: if Molly Ringwald turned goth.

me: when i told her Tori Amos makes love to the piano i was talking about sex but she thought i meant Tori Amos was a good piano-player.

Tori Amos: like i actually really make love to my piano. i fuck the piano, the physical object of the piano, in real time. i don't just splay out spreadeagle on the piano's lid like Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys, i'm thrusting, i'm thrusting against the set of keys.

Georgia: see? note how i'm not jealous listening to you reminiscing on your other women, THAT is what it means to be a free adult...

Palm Springs: shoulda been called Palm Fronds.

me: i can get by with holes in my socks.

Jen R: as long as the hole isn't the big toe. a hole in the heel is fine.

Rage Against the Machine "Renegades of Funk": the official Oprah 2028 campaign song.

Katy Perry: does Canada have a Secret Service?

Justin Trudeau: yes, we use Wheels from Degrassi.

Beastie Boys: we're brothers.

Tony Hawk: AND i'm neighbors with Trent Reznor.

Leslie Sbrocco: THE STRIKE WAS SUCCESSFUL!!! we did it!!!

Monica Pro wearing cute black Smiths glasses without the lenses, just the black frames: yeah that just means i have to go back to work at a grocery store.

Leslie: come here, give me a hug, fall into my arms. i was on strike with you guys, too. i suffered along with you. i REFUSED to eat a sugar donut from Lucky, Safeway sugar donuts only. i was on a DONUT STRIKE!!!

Head of the Class "Mission to Moscow": not so much a TV-movie as as series of 99 short clips.

Robin Williams: you're on borrowed time.

me: can we switch? i was never one to be patient enough to be a teacher.

me: Match Game '74 is over before my morning alarm-clock sounds.

Jen R: my alarm clock is the Match Game '74 porno thinking music.

Olmec: on the island Match Game '74 comes on at 4PM. the show is my 5-Hour Energy. my joints are fucked, i can't get out to exercise...

Monica Pro: garbagemen need donut breaks, too.

Super Mario: yes, ma'am. i park my BIG-ASS green recycle truck in the middle of the Safeway parking lot and get a sugar donut. nobody else in the cab. we're like the trash cops.

Jillian Clare: i'm dating someone who is you as a black man.

me: you have no idea how painfully ironic that is for me...

NoizeBoy: so i guess i was gay.

Jillian Clare: yeah man, i mean these are DOOL tits to drool over!!! and to root for.

Choco Taco: long enough?...

It's a Living: the Salad UFO is lifting off.

Patti Deutsch: i was the Alien Queen...

E.T.: the Deutsch Voice. Patti Deutsch's voice emits a LOW frequency only my species of plant people can hear.

Marian Mercer: i play Ms. Krause in the Lifetime Movie.

Kansas: carry on my wayward son

don't you come back home

Molly Qerim: why do you walk that way?

Stephen A. Smith: i STRUT like George Jefferson. i was conceived during the first episode of The Jeffersons. that's gonna be the Presidential Strut one day.

George Jefferson: i went up the hill before that crazy British white chick Kate Bush and before Michael Jackson in The Fisher King.

Michael Jackson: i'm colorless.

Jen R: so i'm at the Hallmark Channel Experience in Calgary workshopping some ideas for movies. i got one: a divorced father who hires a plumber named Mario to be the babysitter. the movie can NOT star Sydney Sweeney.........she's too big for Hallmark Channel...

Mary Blair: i made Disney Disney.

Walt Disney: turns out i'm just another of the bungled and the botched.

Billy Corgan: Smashing Pumpkins "That's the Way My Love Is" is my poppy version of Depeche Mode "Strangelove."

Fletch from Depeche Mode: "Strangelove" is about that Kubrick movie.

Match Game '74 lower tier: it sucked for us. we were always craning our necks to talk to the celebrities on the upper tier, we needed permanent neckbraces after we retired.

In-N-Out Burger: you're gonna need a car to eat me...

Melissa Maker: it's time to take this marriage to the next level.

me: what do you mean?

Melissa: it's time for US to go to Towson Hot Bagels!!! i've never been to Baltimore. remember, if you're having a bad life, pickle chips. Pickle Doritos go with any sandwich.

me: but how do you know?

Melissa: i trust the Red String of Fate. there was a red string stuck to my dryer ball this morning.