RED GUNDAM: MANGA BOOKS ARE HEAVY

 

Katharine: what's the highlight of any con?

Lux: the comic-book shop of course. here's where you get RARE manga of your favorite mech anime for like 3 times the price you would in America. but it's here in Japan.

Katharine: i guess i'm not patient enough to wait the 117 weeks of shipping and handling. how much did i pay for this plane ticket again? anything good this week? the week i happen to be here?

Lux: here, a thousand-page steelbook on how the Aztec symbol in Sailor Moon Super is the same symbol of that village in Zelda.

Katharine: that book is giving me the thousand-year processed stare.

Katharine Hepburn: saddle up, you dozy dingbat. 

Katharine gets inside the cockpit of the Red Gundam and is transfixed forever.

Katharine: i'm never leaving. it's like my butt is glued to the seat, but the superglue is wonder. why are all the computers aboard this Gundam wood?

Four: they finally got around to upgrading the computers!!!

Katharine: finally a woman.

Four: Katharine is a male name? oh i get it, you're named after that painter. that painter that urinated in a French cafe and was kicked out of the culture circle in 1920s Paris.

Sartre: that was the only time in my life i ever got mad.

Four: yeah well how do you think I feel when it comes to forced romantic pairings around here? why are you always so spastic? you fly off the handle when someone says hello.

Katharine: that's part of my charm. i'm peevish at weird words. or if you're acting too much like an adult with secrets. the word PETULANCE best describes me. i can get away with it because i'm a young stupid boy.

Four: no it's because you're your planet's war machine. you do all their dirty work for a couple chocolate bars and a mindmeld with a pretty girl with Vaporwave punk hair.  

Katharine: Vaporwave punk music is the next frontier...

Four: did you vote for Biden?

Katharine: yeah. so? hey that whole thing wasn't my fault.

Suzy Lu: i could play Mel in the Kiss Me Kate reboot.

Steejo: that Craig is good stock, give it up for the wee lad, only a fine bloke would have a Voltron poster in his flat.

Heavy Traffic.

Michael: i do not want to see my mother's pussy, Ralph Bakshi!!!

ma: look at these old black & whites!!! there's the first photo of the Marx Brothers in 1901. yeah Rosella the weirdo married the ice man who was not nice man, he melted her.

Carole: why am i still with this white boy after he hit me?!!! fool. the world won't drop its drawers for you, unless you're Robert Crumb...

Nighthawks: only works if you don't see eye-to-eye...

Carole: i have a psychological problem with you. why would you pay for sex? love is supposed to be free...

Robert Crumb: why would the father kill the son? that's dark even for me.

bullet: not a bullet, a pinball. symbolism.

JFK: oh come on, let's not retraumatize America with this scene, the country will never reach the heights of me again...

me: replace the real guns with laser guns in the cowboy noon-duel game!!!

Jen R: and make it harder to drop your pants in the photo booth. at least they provide a curtain...

pinball and life: like a dream...

Mamdani: when the grit left NYC in the '70s, so did the will, so did people's desire to live.

Ralph Bakshi: see the other animators were JEALOUS of me because i could be hardcore and they couldn't. people still think i'm lying when i tell them i'm friends with Steven Spielberg...

Katharine: i feel stuck to this cockpit.

Four: you men are all alike.

Katharine: can i confess some soft feelings to you? i'm scared.

Four: i get it, we had a pilot who was 114 years old from India. a beautiful man with a Punjab triangular white beard and royal turban under this helmet. he didn't die of old age!!! he died getting into a Gundam accident!!!

Emma Watson in Normal Suit: i've been forbidden to drive a Gundam. not allowed to drive a Gundam ever again, one too many tickets to ride. ride in space. don't care, and i am NOT going back to that broom they tried to make me fly on...

Katharine: it needs to be real. you know? it can't just be pages in a shelved book, faded-color scenes in a television show. i need to see the poverty in the future streets outside this convention hall, the space slums, the homeless neighborhoods in the bubbles which forced humanity to seek its fortune on other planets. 

Monica Pro: call me Monica Fa, it's more Hungarian. i've always sought my fortune in the stars, in a sappy way, pinned my hopes to the black skies of outer space. outside the arena of Safeway. i live in a rowhouse in one of those space bubbles in Watsonville...

Matt: Safeway in space? Space Safeway? but what about my truck? there's no space in those bubbles, those bubbles are smaller than people think.

Jackie Fitzgerald: when i'm not computer-programming like your dad i'm feeding homeless men at our local corner church. i cook my dead husband's favorite recipes of mine and add a little of that Fitzgerald flavor to make my dishes secretly delicious.

Blond Rambo: the secret ingredient is her flavored oil.

me: okay now i REALLY feel bad. you've earned your new fuck, Jackie Fitzgerald, can you ever forgive me?

Blond Rambo: that's how we met, Jackie fed me a meal at the homeless shelter. for homeless Catholic men. yes i look like Kurt Cobain but i also look like a homeless man with dirty-blond hair wearing a plaid shirt and jeans...

Father Navin: i didn't want to say anything but all Catholic men have long dirty-blond hair...

Rick Springfield: don't yawn. what's the number? what's the famous phone number? 867-5309.

Craig Melvin: but that was Lindsay's number!!!

Lindsay Czarniak: we had to move...

new Gumball show: why? what's the point? just to please that ONE GUY on YouTube?!!!

Raul De Molina: they took my dick!!!.........oh no it's there...

Gelman: do you know what it's like to run a marathon? it brings tears to my beady little eyes. it makes a grown man cry.

Mark Consuelos: i'm crying right now thinking about how my marriage to Kelly Ripa has been a marathon...

'80s VHS language-course: a language-course soap opera is a marathon. binge it in one day and graduate from college at age 11...

Kirk Fogg: by Season 3 i had nothing to say, Olmec stole all my lines...

Chibiusa: why did i become the main character in Sailor Moon?...

Euell Gibbons: eat a pinecone? nut dirt? can i show you my nuts? they look shriveled. but eating wild foods is quite rational, how do you think the cavemen survived? i mean i promoted natural food, a bowl of Grape Nuts each morning, and i die of an early heart attack in my 60s?

Grape Nuts: the grapes are stuffed with olives. and the nuts are dipped in saturated fat.

Jackie Fitzgerald: are you one of my homeless men? or do you just prefer to stay in nature?...

Wyndham Clark: just locker-room talk.........i couldn't remember my high-school locker combination, remember those black locks?...

Seal in a sealed spacesuit sipping through a straw from the side of his Turquoise Gundam: the Baja Blast secret ingredient: lime.

Four: come on, each of us has to do it.

Katharine: BUT I DON'T WANNA!!! i do not stink!!! why do i have to take a shower? i don't have tits, i have a chest!!! i don't want to show my naked butt to the camera. 

Jared Leto: wait, there are bubbles in a shower?...

Four: and then you gotta get in a leotard and do some Jane Fonda jazzercise aerobics in a studio with large open windows as the four walls and a bare floor of ballet wood planks. every Gundam character has to get in the leotard.

Jane Fonda: come on, these elbow and knee movements are jerky, i blame the '80s animators.